AN: AKA "crack taken seriously".


They're in the middle of Quick Joke Time when there's a knock on the door. Eugene thinks about telling their listeners that they'll take a music break to attend to whoever showed up, aware that things are getting tense with New Canton and, even if Janine doesn't say, that something big is in the works – but Jack just says 'hold on', gets out of his seat, and opens the door.

Runner Five gives them a grin, a wave, a piece of paper, and leaves.

Eugene blinks in surprise. A message from Janine, maybe? An announcement?

"Well, this is interesting!" Jack exclaims as he reclaims his chair, pushing close to Eugene both to show him the paper and because there isn't that much space in the radio section of the comms shack. "Listeners, that was Runner Five giving us a little something for you all, so listen up!"

And he gives Eugene the paper, all folded up, and with 'read on air' scribbled on top.

Eugene blinks, makes a low 'huh' for a second, and finally decides that Jack's expectant grin is too cute to deny.

"Oh, alright, I'll read it," he acquiesces, rolling his eyes good-naturedly, and unfolds the paper. "Esteemed residents of Abel Township, it has recently come to my attention that there's a complaint regarding some of the supplies I bring into the Township alongside much needed food and electrical equipment," he reads calmly, brow furrowing for a moment because the formal style reminds him more of Janine than Five, who is obviously the one who wrote the letter.

But then again, there's only so much communicating that can be done via sign language when the speakers are still learning the language themselves, and other than Janine and a selected few residents, that includes most of the township.

"Hey, do you think this is about the, you know, the sports bras?" Jack whispers, though Eugene knows the mics will catch the words, and can't help but shrug with a grimace on his face.

"Let me read some more," he answers Jack, before turning his attention back to the letter and picking up where he left. "As mentioned, I do bring in sport bras regularly," he reads, and Jack whisper-exclaims a triumphant 'I knew it!' before Eugene can continue. "Which worries some of you, who believe I could be exchanging them for more vital supplies. Allow me to correct you. They are vital supplies," Eugene emphasizes, eyebrows rising at the severe underlining that, somehow, didn't rip the paper. "About half the population of Abel Township are women, all of which, like the male half, are working tirelessly to turn acres of farmland into a safe home in the middle of the zombie apocalypse. That means farming, construction, running. The better equipped they are to perform those jobs, the easier it will be, for all of us, to turn Abel into the safe haven we all wish it to be. And that includes good shoes, gloves, shovels, seeds, and sports bras. You wouldn't send a runner out in high heels. Don't make women work with finicky bras that will bother them more than aid them."

"Whoa," Jack interrupts, eyebrows to his hairline, before he frowns down at the letter. "I guess I never thought about bras like that…"

"Oh, no," Eugene breathes out, because Jack's interruption has given him the chance to read ahead, and at his co-host's prompting, he clears his throat and continues. "Having said that, I noticed no one mentioned the fact I bring in as many—or even more—packs of underwear as I do sports bras. Ergo, since you don't feel those are essential supplies, I will not be taking any more of those back to the Township. To all the bra-wearers out there, that means there is now enough space in my backpack to bring back one supply of your choice for each of you. They don't need to be necessities, but I do ask that you limit the size of your choice, as I am still restricted in what I can actually carry while running. There is a blank paper on the noticeboard in the quad, where you can write down your name and supply of choice. I will not be taking any more packs of man's underwear back until that list is completed. Dearly yours, Runner Five."

The radio shack is silent after that. Jack and Eugene exchange flabbergasted looks for a second, before Jack practically rips the paper out of his hands to make sure himself that Eugene did get that right. A moment later, Sam Yao bursts in through the door.

"Are you serious?! Is Five actually serious?!"

"It's here! It's all written down, look at it yourself!" Jack wails, waving the letter around, and by the time Sam manages to take a look at it, Simon Lauchlan appears at their door.

"I checked the noticeboard, the little weasel actually put up that list! Janine and Jody are queuing up to write on it, and Sara is standing guard. Does Five actually bring in that many packs of underwear?"

"I don't know! How many do you bring in?"

"None! Not unless I get asked to, and no one ever asks me!"

"That's because Five always brings in a lot of stuff…" Sam answers, and Eugene turns away with a distressed moan – and sees the 'on-air' light is still on.

"We'll be back after a music break!" he shouts into his mic before turning on the music.

The room is silent once more.

"What are we going to do?"

Outside, Five walks away from the chaos, whistling a cheery tune.

Mission complete.


AN: To anyone who has gone through the whole Season 1 Radio Abel clips, you probably know which was the turning point. It struck me as a very curious clip, so I did the math. Guess what my Five brought most of in the whole of Season 1.

It was Bottled Water, followed by Underwear and Tinned Food. So, yeah.

The point of this? No matter who you are, don't cross Runner 5.