A/N: This story has some discussion of the possibility of miscarriage/pregnancy loss. Nothing bad happens, I promise, but if that's a difficult subject for you, please be careful. Thank you for reading!
"Flora, are… are you alright?"
Clive's voice sounds out in the dark, tentative, concerned. It breaks through Flora's anxious half-dreams, half-thoughts. Slowly, she opens her eyes, returning fully to the real world, and turning towards him. "What?" she says, her voice slurring with tiredness.
She feels silly as the word leaves her mouth: he'd asked such a simple question, and yet her sleep-addled brain wasn't able to understand it until moments later.
Or maybe, she doesn't want to answer.
"Oh. I'm sorry to have woken you." Clive sits up in bed, looking towards her with regret in his eyes. Even in the dark, Flora can see how messy his hair is; she'd like to sit up and straighten it herself, but she's too tired to reach up towards him. "You've just been so quiet ever since you came home."
She'd thought that he wouldn't notice.
"I'm… I'm okay!" Flora forces her face into a smile, beaming up towards Clive. "Just tired. It… it was a long day at work today."
She's not lying. Not completely. Today really was one of the most exhausting days of work that she's had in a long time, and one of the most anxious. She hadn't had her lunch break, after all; she'd spent it somewhere else, learning something that she's… not sure how to talk about.
"If somebody bothered you, they'll regret having been born. I'll make sure of it." There's too much laughter in Clive's voice for him to be serious, and yet, Flora knows him well enough to know that he really would make anybody who bothered Flora completely regret their decision.
(But did he have to say it in exactly that way?)
"Nothing bad happened, I promise," she says with a tired chuckle. "I'm just… tired."
And so anxious.
"If you say so." Clive laughs a little, but there's a hesitancy in his voice. "I trust you. But please tell me if I can help at all." He chuckles wryly. "It feels like there's so little I can do for you. I hardly contribute at all."
"That's not true, Clive! I really don't mind!" Flora sits up a little taller, putting all of her energy into reassuring him. It helps to keep talking to him; it distracts her from her running thoughts. "I love my job at Gressenheller. And you do so much for the professor here at home. I think you're doing a great job!"
"You're far too kind. But I'm glad you think so." Clive's smile grows a little more sincere. "I only wish that there was more I could do. That's why I want to be here for you always." His smile grows into a smirk, and he gestures wildly, bravado colouring his expressions. "I'd move mountains for you. Just say the word."
"Move mountains for me." It's cheeky of her, but Flora can't help but giggle a little bit at Clive's sour expression, and the way he rolls his eyes before smirking once again.
(She's thankful that he can distract her).
"I'll do it in the morning," he says, in his half-joking, half-dead-serious way. Then, he yawns. "Well, you'd better get your sleep, love. Enough of me waking you up. Throw some cold water on me or something next time to make it even."
"I'll make you breakfast instead," Flora says eagerly. "Breakfast in bed."
"I'll eat anything you make me," Clive says, and Flora smiles, knowing that he means every word. "Goodnight, Flora."
"G'night Clive," Flora says with a smile. She's feeling far better already. She was worried over nothing. Maybe she'll know how to explain things in the morning after a good night's sleep. With a quiet sigh, she rolls onto her stomach—
Wait. She shouldn't be doing that.
She flips onto her back once more. But wait, is lying on her back the best position? Maybe she should be on her side.
She rolls onto her left side. But wait. Does it matter which side?
She's worrying far too much.
She's wanted this for a long time, and she knows that Clive has too. They've talked about it many times, even if they've never gone into it at length, too embarrassed to think about the possibility for too long. She knows that they're both on board with it, and that it was bound to happen sooner or later.
But that doesn't mean she was prepared for when it actually happened.
So many things could go wrong.
But being anxious might make things go even more wrong. She needs to relax more. But trying to force herself to relax doesn't work, and that just makes her even more anxious—
"Flora?"
She feels a hand on her shoulder; she startles, only just noticing the tears in her eyes. "Flora, love, if something's wrong, you can tell me." Clive's voice holds a pleading tone. "Are you alright?"
She wants to tell him.
But nothing's wrong… yet. But what if something does go wrong? What if she gets Clive's hopes up, only for something awful to happen? She doesn't want to hurt him. He's already lost so much in his life; he doesn't need to lose this dream too.
But even if nothing goes wrong in this stage, there's so much that could go wrong later.
Flora doesn't know how to be a mother.
She doesn't even know what it's like to have one. Her own mother passed away so long ago. The most of what she remembers of her is what she wasn't. Everything that Dahlia was, little Flora hated, because she was not Mama.
But now, Flora knows better. She knows how Dahlia tried to care for her, how she tried to be a mother to Flora, how she didn't ask to be created in Mama's image. But Flora had thought of her as being a bad mother for so long, and had avoided her for so many years. Now, she isn't even sure which qualities she possessed are good or bad, or what she should emulate.
Flora could take her cues from her father instead, but the more she thinks about her childhood, the more that she can recognize that what he did was damaging to her. Even her other father figure, the professor, had contributed to her anxieties despite doing what he thought was right.
What if she does the same?
What if she makes a mistake? What if she ruins her child's life? What if—
"We're… we're having a baby."
She shouldn't have said it. It's too early. But she couldn't help it; she couldn't keep it from him.
Her back is to Clive, but she can hear his quiet gasp, and feel his hand trembling where it rests against her shoulder. "R-really?" he asks; she can hear his voice shaking, and his desperate attempts to restrain it. "That's… that's wonderful."
"Mm-hm!" Flora nods, squeaking out the last "hm" of her monosyllable in affected joy. It is wonderful, and she is happy. But she's scared too, and she doesn't want Clive to know that.
"We've… we've been wanting this for so long, but I… I can't believe it's actually happening." Clive lets out a sharp little laugh, and his face falls into his hands. "I'm… I'm so glad. I… I really am, Flora."
He sounds like he's going to cry.
"I found out today," Flora says brightly. Once again, it's easier to keep talking about concrete things than to worry about the future. "I'd… I'd been kind of tired lately, so I went to the doctor during lunch break, and they told me there. I should've told you before but I didn't want to worry you. I knew there was nothing bad going on, but I just wanted to be safe. I'm… I'm sorry that I didn't tell you before."
She can't explain why she didn't tell him yet. She just can't.
"It's… it's alright," Clive says again, his face still in his hands. "I'm glad you're alright. A… a baby." He says the last word in awe, his voice almost breaking once again. "I… I hope they're more like you than they are like me." He laughs ruefully. "We don't need another me in this world."
That sentence…
Something shatters inside of her, and Flora breaks into tears.
"Flora!" Clive's voice breaks. He reaches down, wrapping his arms around her; slowly, Flora lets him pull her onto his lap, until he's holding her in his arms, her body resting against his chest. She's comforted by how tightly he holds her, by the feeling of his breathing, and of his heartbeat. "Flora, I'm so sorry," he whispers. "What did I say?"
"I'm being so ridiculous." Flora chokes back a sob, burying her face in Clive's shoulder. "But I wish you wouldn't say things like that. I'd be happy if they were another you; I love everything about you. I don't care what they're like, as long as they're okay."
"Flora…" He says the word in a quiet gasp, then pulls her closer. They are silent together for a long while, holding each other, Flora's head on Clive's shoulder, his hands cradling her head, his mouth gently pressing hesitant kisses to her forehead and temple at regular intervals.
"I really am happy, I promise," Flora murmurs finally, breaking the silence. "I've always wanted to be a mom. I'm just… I'm just scared at the same time. I don't want something bad to happen. What if I do something wrong?"
Clive holds her tighter. "I promise nothing bad will happen, Flora. I'll take care of you both. Nothing will happen. And even if it did, it wouldn't be your fault. It would be nobody's fault."
His words are desperate, but reassuring, and Flora only hopes that he's right. But even if he is right, there are so many other things to worry about.
"But what about after they're born?" Flora blinks back tears. "It… it hurts to admit that my parents messed up, but they… they did. But at the same time, they're all I know. What if I hurt the baby in the same way they hurt me? They were only doing what they thought was right, but it still hurt me."
Clive pauses for a long moment. Then, he continues, a calm assurance in his voice that Flora didn't know how badly she craved until now. "I think the fact that you're thinking so hard about it shows that you're not going to make those same mistakes. You're self-aware. You're not lost in delusion like I tend to be."
"But that might not be enough. I might try everything I can to be a good parent, and it might not be enough."
"But you'll be there for them. Won't you, Flora?"
There's a tremble in his voice once again.
Flora stops, slowly looking up into his eyes. His voice had been so calm, so it's almost frightening to see the tears in his eyes once again, despite the gentle smile on his face. "That's the most important thing. Being by their side whenever they need someone to lean on."
His voice is still calm, as it was before, but he sounds on the verge of tears. "You'll be there for them, and… and for me. I…" His voice cracks, and he laughs again, swiping carelessly at his eyes with his knuckles. "I know that I'm not going to be a good father. Not with my history. I… I don't even remember much of what my parents were like, as much as I hate myself for it. I barely know what a father is supposed to be like. But no matter what, I'll do everything I can to be there for you and for our baby. I won't leave them like… like my parents did."
Flora's heart aches for him. At least, with her father, she had been able to say goodbye before he passed away. Both of Clive's parents had died so suddenly, and Constance, too, had died before Clive could say goodbye: that, he's told her, had been the catalyst for the beginning of his madness so many years ago.
She knows the depths of despair that Clive can fall into better than anyone. To hear him say that he'll always be here, even if he thinks that he is less than a perfect father, means so much to her. But now, it's her turn to reassure him.
"You're going to be a good dad, though," she says quietly. "You're so good with Al and Kat. And you put your all into everything you do. And you know better than anyone how important family is. I don't know anything about what a mom is supposed to be like, but I'll do my best."
"You're far too kind." Clive laughs once more, smiling with teary eyes. "But thank you, Flora. And please don't worry. There's no way that anyone with a heart as kind as yours could be anything less than a wonderful mom."
Those last words are a murmur, a whisper in Flora's ear, sending a thrill through her body. She wants him even closer. She reaches towards him, cupping his cheek, and pulls him down towards her, slowly, until their mouths meet.
The warm pressure of Clive's mouth moving against hers takes Flora's breath away, she closes her eyes, losing herself in the beauty of the moment.
At last, reluctantly, they break apart, catching their breath, Flora putting her head on his shoulder once again, and Clive letting his cheek rest against the top of her head. They stay quietly like that together for what feels like hours, enjoying the warmth of each others' presence. At last, Clive breaks the silence. "Flora," he asks hesitantly, as if he's unsure of how she might respond. "Can I feel it?"
"Feel what?"
"The… the baby."
Flora lifts her head towards him once more; even in the dark, she can see the way that his cheeks are flushed red, and now, hers do as well. "It's too early to feel anything," she says with a half-nervous giggle. "At least I think so. I don't know exactly when… when this started. But you can try." Slowly, she takes his hand in her own, guiding it to rest against her stomach.
The look of concentration in Clive's eyes is almost adorable as he waits. It makes Flora almost sad that he'll be disappointed. It's far too early…
She feels something.
"C-Clive, did you… did you feel that?"
"What?" Clive startles, something like panic crossing his face.
"I… I felt something." Flora nearly squeaks out the words. "I mean, maybe it was just my imagination, but—"
It happens again.
Slowly, Flora looks up towards Clive's face. She takes in his wide eyes, the way his mouth is open in shock, and she knows that he felt it too.
"We're… we're really going to be parents," he says, his whisper filled with awe.
"They must be super energetic if I can feel them this early," Flora says, her voice and her hands shaking with excitement. "Another you, maybe."
"Or another you," Clive says with a grin. "Don't discount your own tenacity."
It feels like Flora's heart is about to burst. There's so much love inside it. For the baby, for Clive… for their whole family… all of the anxiety from before is still there, but transformed into excitement, into anticipation, into gratitude… "We'll love them no matter what they're like," she says again. "No matter who they look like, or act like, or what they want to do."
"Yes." Clive hesitates, then leans forward once more, his hand cupping Flora's face, his thumb tracing the outline of her cheekbone. "I just… Thank you. Thank you for everything, for… for building this family with me, for forgiving me…" He swallows. "I love you so much."
"I love you, Clive," Flora whispers, and once again, lets herself become lost within their kiss.
A/N: It feels like so long since I've been able to put out a fanfic; I feel so out of practice, but I had to put out something for Clora week! Today is day seven of the week, and I'm so happy to have seen so many people participating. It makes me so glad that I began writing Clora stories; they are such a special ship for me, and I'm really glad that others feel the same way.
Also, happy birthday, Slim. Thank you for encouraging me so much in my writing and for being my friend. I'm always going to love Clora for letting us meet.
Thank you for reading!
