Chapter 21
Burgloth
Artemis was climbing as fast as she could, stabbing the bots as they activated next to her, when the building fell again, dropping a good number of feet, but this time, she felt her hand pop off of the line. Flailing futilely as she tried to grab anything, she realized in horror that the line was angling away from her, meaning there wouldn't be anything for her to grab, not for a long way even as she tipped backwards and fell.
She shut her eyes in anticipation for the end, but instead of feeling her head crumple, she felt her ankle wrench in pain.
Cracking one eye open, she found herself floating, suspended by thin air. Her mind whirled as she tried to figure out what the heck was happening, it wasn't like she'd suddenly developed super powers, nor were there any bizarre fields of energy in the factory, so she couldn't figure out what was going on. And then she started to rise at a rapid rate.
Hearing the soft sounds of robotics, combined with the smell of oil, machinery and something unique to him, she figured out what was going on and to confirm it she asked "Buddy? That you?"
"Urru" Came out of the space above her, followed by a slightly disappointed sounding "Urugur"
"Sorry, but you're still invisible, so it took me a moment. Thanks. For the save and all, whoops, hold that thought" She stopped smiling up at the invisible death-machine as they passed through the opening in the ceiling and the bots flying around started throwing themselves at her. This time, she brought her own SMG up and opened fire, tracing the caustic shots through the mass.
Gaige watched as her friend floated upward, one leg straight up, her other curled against it as she opened fire on the bots that were starting to attack. For a split-second she couldn't figure out what was happening, but she realized that Deathtrap was hard at work again.
"Well, you certainly took your sweet time." She called out, a little bitterness detectable underneath her tone, which she winced internally about.
"Next time, you climb up the machinery while the bots are activating and attacking and see how well you do." Came the snippish reply.
"Oh, so you were down there playing around like a Jabber while we were up here takin care of business?"
"Whatever, we can discuss all the ways I'm a disappointment later, for now, can we get going, I've made you two wait long enough."
Gaige winced at that, she hadn't meant it to sound like an attack, she'd hoped to lighten the mood and not show that she'd been concerned about the other girl, instead, she'd only given her more reason to retreat into her insecurity.
"That's not what I...forget it, you're right, we will discuss this later, right now, we've got to deal with this problem." She said, firing into the shrinking mass of bots, missing the other girl's face slack in dejection as she thought that Gaige was agreeing with her and that they were going to address all the ways she was a screw up, something that only Deathtrap caught.
He was getting tired of this cycle, Gaige would always say something that was fairly innocent or she would get a little cranky and snap, only for Artemis to take it seriously and wallow in her lack of self-esteem until Gaige actually did get mad and snap at her, usually with a threat of violence if she didn't snap out of her stupidity, only to then have to spend way more energy trying to convince Artemis that she was fine and that there was nothing wrong with her, which just wore Gaige out and made her want a drink, which she'd deny herself, but it would make her cranky again, so she'd snap and say something stupid to start the whole cycle over again.
He knew that he needed to do something to break the chain, but he couldn't figure out what. If he could, he would've done it a long time ago, but it didn't seem to sink into either of them that Artemis always took things wrong and Gaige didn't say what she meant. He knew they were both trying to get over it, but neither one really seemed to believe they could, so they didn't really try as hard as they needed to, while he was stuck watching them go around and around, wondering if one of them was going to get sick of it and shut the other one out.
He hoped not, for all of his grievances with them, he did like them both and thought they were good together. But he also knew that until things were figured out, they wouldn't be good for each other, and once they'd gotten to that point, he wondered where things would go.
But that was neither here nor there, so he put that off and continued firing at the bots that were attempting to swarm over them, when he heard a voice from below him.
"Uh, as much fun as this is, maybe we should be getting outta here." Artemis said, still hanging by her ankle "I mean, I don't think this place is gonna hold much longer."
Deathtrap realized what she was meaning, the room had shaken a bit and was now at a noticeable angle, with most of the trash having slid to one side of the room.
"You know, you might be right." Gaige said. She was still able to stand, but it was getting a little more challenging. "Babe, I think we're gonna need an extraction."
Deathtrap sighed again, he knew it was coming, but he still didn't like having to save everyone. It had nothing to do with his dignity, he had no problem carrying the girls and it certainly had nothing to do with their weight, even with all their gear, they weren't heavy. It had to do with the lack of planning that it seemed to entail, not that this time wasn't a special occasion, after all, who could've predicted that the entire building would be falling over? But it was a form of a bad habit that he wished they would break.
Still, this wasn't the time to worry about that, so he dove down, almost braining Artemis on the floor as he did, having forgotten that she was hanging upside down. Burbling an apology to her, he set her down and waited for her to right herself, before making sure the girls were ready and then scooping them up, one in each arm.
Once they were settled and firing away at the remaining bots, he took off, focusing on clearing the doors and leaving the defenses to them.
He half expected the entire place to finish falling into the abyss as they were making their escape, but real life wasn't like a movie, so nothing happened except the bots milling about outside started charging the girls as soon as they could be seen.
He flew them over to the village, and after making sure that the ground was stable, or at least not cracked, set them down and turned his attention to the bots that were giving chase.
It didn't take long between the three of them to clear them out.
In the shelter of one of the buildings, they took a moment to restock and go over what had happened, as well as what they'd learned.
"So that's what happened." Gaige said as Artemis finished her stilted and slightly off kilter storytelling of what she'd been though "Sorry that I wasn't more sympathetic back there, I should've realized that you were coming as fast as you could."
Artemis just shrugged as if to say 'You had no way of knowing', which bothered Gaige for some reason, but she clamped down on it and let it slide.
"So now what?" Artemis finally asked, before taking a bite out of a sandwich she'd dug out of her bag.
"What do you mean?"
"I mmn whu ohh wa ooh neft?" She said around a mouthful of food.
"What?"
Artemis swallowed and tried again "I said, what do we do next? I mean, after we get off the planet."
"Oh, well, we did find a new destination, didn't we?"
"You mean Apate 3?"
"Yeah, that's what it was, where Holloway sent the bots to be worked on."
"But considering that this was a trap, wouldn't that one be as well?"
"Maybe, or they could've left thinking we'd be killed."
"In that pathetic of an attack?"
"Hey, first off, you nearly died, didn't you? And second, if Deathtrap hadn't been outside and taken out some of the bots and the supports, neither of us might've survived, so it wasn't all that pathetic, now was it?"
"Its effectiveness isn't a measure of if it was pathetic or not. I mean, if you die of, oh I donno, a blood-clot created in a freak accident when you stub your toe or if you step on a scrap of metal and get a lethal infection or you choke on your burger, those would all be embarrassing ways to go, but you'd still be dead wouldn't you?"
"Well, yeah."
"My point is, does a trap like this really feel like Holloway was expecting it to kill us? Or was this some kind of, uh, ruse to get us to keep following his trail of traps until one of them succeeds?"
"Alright, point, but do you have a different plan? Cause I'd love to hear it."
"Well, no. Not right now."
"Right, so we don't have any other choice but to keep following the trail of traps. And for the record, I think you're right, this didn't feel like it was supposed to get us, more like, if it did, that would be great, but if not, it would send us to the next point."
"That's what I said."
"And I was agreeing with you."
"Oh, OK."
"Yeesh. Learn how to take a compliment, would you."
"Oh, sorry. I suppose now would be as good a time as any, not that I wanna, but I wanna get it outta the way, so say it."
"Say what?"
"What you were going to say before, about how much of a disappointment I am."
"What are you talking about?"
"Back in the, um, shipping area, you said we'd talk about it later and, well, I'd rather just get it over with."
"No, seriously, what are you talking about? I never said I wanted to talk about you being a disappointment. I never even thought it, so where's this coming from?"
"Urrugr"
"Oh that? I was gonna tell her off for going into that self-destructive crap again, that's all. Wait, you actually thought I was gonna have a list of ways you're a disappointment? Well, I've only got one, and here it is, it's that you're still spouting that crap. I mean seriously, you know that I like you, that I think highly of you, so why do you still act like I'm just playing with you?"
"Cause I know that I'm not, well, I don't deserve your kindness."
SMACK. Artemis staggered as Gaige slapped her. "Enough of that! Get. It. Through. Your. Head. You. Are. Not. Worthless. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be showered with kindness. What's it going to take to get that through your thick skull? I mean, at this rate, no matter what I choose down the road when I finally figure out what I really want, you're going to not believe me and undoubtedly take it the wrong way, or twist it into something that it's not. Do you have any idea of how frustrating that is?"
"Sorry."
"Stop being sorry! Start trying to accept it. I know it's not easy. I really, really do. Do you think there's a day that goes by that I don't think about some of the things I've said to you? That I don't feel worthless for them? Or the way I've been? The, well I guess I need to keep saying it, the addiction I have for booze? You think that I don't feel like crap knowing the hold that has over me? The way I let an inanimate object control my life and not just that, but nearly destroy it? So, I understand the disbelief that you have that anyone would see you as anything other than a tainted monster, but you're not, and if you can be something else, then maybe there's hope for me. And if there's hope for me, then there's hope for you, so get it through your head, I'm not disappointed in you, I don't dislike you, quite the opposite actually. Remember that. Think about how what you're saying makes me feel and I'll try and do the same. Oh, and don't just smoosh the feelings down and let them fester deep down either, when I say to get over them, I mean it. Got it?"
Artemis nodded, holding her cheek. But something made Gaige suspect that she hadn't gotten through. Turning to Deathtrap she got a look from him that said she'd done the right thing and that he'd help, but that he didn't think it had sunk in yet either.
"Anyway, let's finish up here and get going."
They finished their meal in silence and after checking to make sure the coast was clear, started out. They'd made it to the edge of town when a titanic crashing came from behind them and the ground bucked wildly underneath them, knocking them both to the ground.
Spinning around they were hit by a wave of ice particles thrown at them in a stinging white cloud. Both of them would've been blinded if not for the goggles they were still wearing, but the small shards stung and bit at any bit of flesh they could get at and both girls felt small cuts stinging across their skin.
As the cloud was dissipating, they continued to hear deep cracking noises that sent Artemis's skin crawling. She knew those sounds, she'd heard them before, they were the sounds of the ice giving way.
Soon enough the cloud cleared enough for them to make out what had happened, the factory was gone, it had finished falling into the abyss, taking a good chunk of the area around it with it, including the edge of the village.
"See, this is what happens when you talk about my...issues." Artemis grumbled, watching as one of the buildings tipped and vanished into the pit.
"Seriously?" Gaige asked, turning to her. She'd been hoping that the girl was joking, but the look on her face told her what she'd been afraid of, that she was being serious. "I thought you understood that that was just a superstition and nothing more."
"You have your beliefs and I have mine."
Gaige wanted to tear her hair out, after all the work she'd done, trying to convince her friend that these things weren't her fault, not to mention all the thought she'd put into figuring herself out, it all seemed to be for nothing if Artemis couldn't get it through her head that she was fine the way she was.
"So, let me get this straight." Gaige snapped at her "Your being gay and liking girls somehow caused that building to wait until we were out of it and then to collapse?"
"Don't say that, it'll just make things worse."
"Rrrggg." Gaige said, giving in and tugging her hair "You like girls. You're a lesbian." She paused and looked around. "And nothing happened because of it, other than you making yourself live a painfully lonely life."
Artemis had gone pale, nearly quaking in her boots as she looked around as if she was waiting for disaster to fall from the heavens and smite everyone around her, which Gaige realized was pretty much what she was doing.
"Nothing. Why? Because you don't have that kind of power, that's why. What do you think you are? Some kind of masochistic super hero?"
"Oh, but if I say it's too quiet, then I do have that power?"
"No, but I will concede that whenever someone says that it does seem to proceed a negative occurrence, but like you've pointed out, that's probably because I'm looking for it."
"And what? You're suggesting that all my misfortune is just a coincidence? That my condition has nothing to do with it?"
"Damn right that's what I'm sayin, after all, how many times have I mentioned it in passing, that I'm considering it, that I've mentioned something about it to you and nothing happened? You only think you're suffering from misfortune because you think there's a connection to you liking girls."
"Stop saying that!"
"No, not until you realize it's not a negative."
"Well it's never been a positive."
"That's cause it's not good or bad, it's just part of who you are. Maybe where you're from it's not considered a positive, but you left there, didn't you? And have you ever been back?"
"No."
"And after seeing the rest of the galaxies, do you think they were right? I mean, really think that? Or are you holding onto something because it hurts and that at least lets you know you're alive?"
"What the heck does that even mean?"
"It means that you think you have to suffer to feel alive, that you think that's all life is, that you think that pain is normal and that denying yourself makes you feel alive because if you can feel sorrow and pain, it means that you can still feel something, anything at all."
"And you really think that of me? That I'm that pathetic?"
"Sometimes."
"And why the heck would you think that?"
"Because you've never once complained about how bad I treat you."
"I have too."
"Only when I really hurt you emotionally."
"So I have too complained."
"But never about the pain, the broken bones and bruises, the cuts and crap I've put you through, I mean, how many times have you been on death's door thanks to me? How many times have I made you do something horrid and how many times have you complained about it? I've lost count of the times you've been hurt because of me, and now it's happening again. I mean, you nearly died back there."
Artemis's retort died in her throat as she realized what this was all about, or rather what it had shifted into. It was about Gaige feeling guilty. Feeling that it was all her fault for decisions that weren't hers to make. It was about her blaming herself for everything that happened around her.
Artemis didn't know how to say it, to tell her that things weren't her fault, that she was doing what she thought was right and that her being injured because of it was her choice, that it wasn't Gaige's fault, that this was alright, even if she was becoming as broken on the outside as she was within, it was her choice and she was happy to make it.
"Is that what you think?" She snapped out, knowing the instant she started two things were going to happen, one, she'd never word it right and two, she wasn't going to be able to stop once she'd gotten started "That I can't make my own choice? That I can't be responsible for what I do? Do you really think that I'm so pathetic that I can't even make up my own mind? And who cares if I get a few bumps and bruises? They heal. If it allows me to do something for you, I'm happy to do it. And if I become too ugly to stand, then you don't need to feel indebted to me because of it, I'm just gonna be reflecting what I really am on the outside."
Gaige held up her hand to slap her, a look of anger and supreme sadness etched into her face. Artemis was surprised to see tears in the other girls' eyes and the choking emotion in her voice as she managed to get out "Don't ever say that. That's not who you are inside. You might be a little broken and a little messed up, but I've never met anyone that isn't. We're all a bit damaged in this universe, you no more than me, but when I look at you, I don't see a scarred-up mess. I don't see this pathetic monster you pretend to be, I just see a beautiful girl who's lost."
Artemis looked at her, like she was talking to a crazy person. So Gaige continued "And you've suffered more than a few bumps and bruises traveling with me, I mean, you lost how many ribs? Not to mention getting skewered on an Outrunner part, shot, strangled, had your arm almost cut off, nearly got ate by an Orochi, plus who knows how many more things like that. So don't give me this 'It's all fine' crap, it's not fine, it's awful."
"And it's my choice. I don't care about any of that..."
"But I do, jeez, how do you think it makes me feel, seeing you get beaten up over and over? How do you think it makes me feel to have you say that it doesn't matter? I'll give you a clue, it makes me feel awful, like I'm the monster for making you do these things and letting you think that it's alright."
"It is alright, and you're not the monster here, I am."
"No, you're not. You're just confused."
"Why is it that when you say crap like that, I'm supposed to agree, but you get to argue with me when I say it?"
"Because I'm right."
"No, you're not, you just think you are."
Gaige paused, she knew in this case she was right, but how to prove it? And was Artemis right? Did she just think she was right because she thought so? No, in this case, Artemis was wrong, there really wasn't any other way to look at it, but she was also right, it wasn't fair for Gaige to force her views onto her, but she still knew that she needed to change the other girls' mindset.
"You're right, it is because I think I'm right. That doesn't mean that I'm wrong though, you aren't a monster any more than I am, no matter how we feel sometimes. But you need to learn to accept the fact that I like you as you are and if you think of yourself as a monster, then what's that say about me?"
"If you liked me as I am, you wouldn't be trying to convince me that I'm not a monster."
Gaige nearly screamed again, but suddenly she had a thought "It's alright to like someone the way they are and try and change them in certain cases, after all, you tried to change me, didn't you?"
"Wha?"
"When we met, you tried to help me out and change me, you remember, you tried to get me to remember who I was, to stop denying myself, to stop drinking. You tried to change me and succeeded, so now it's my turn to try and return the favor."
"I wasn't trying to change you, I was trying to help you realize where you'd went wrong."
"And that's all I'm trying to do with you, to make you realize that you're not happy, that until you accept yourself, and I mean really accept yourself, you will never be truly happy."
"But this is good enough."
"No, it's not, cause I can't be truly happy until you are."
"That's low."
"But true. So you need to figure out what you want, to keep languishing in your self-pity, or to try and make yourself truly happy."
"Urgurr"
They both looked over at him for a second before Gaige nodded and added "He's right, you can figure that out later, when we're not freezing our butts off."
