Rachel Berry St. James hummed to herself as she put the finishing touches on dinner. She was making salad, spaghetti (without the meatballs), and garlic bread.
Rachel was a vegan - her husband Jesse, however, was not. The couple had been married a little over six months and Jesse actually really enjoyed a lot of the vegan dishes his wife made - he had even found some vegan recipes to make for Rachel that she liked. He no longer really ate meat around her although he certainly didn't refrain from stopping for the occasional burger or taco after rehearsal or any time she wasn't present.
The one thing Jesse couldn't give up having in the house however was eggs. He loved eggs in just about every form: scrambled, over easy, omelets - you name it. While Rachel wasn't thrilled about it, she respected the couple's dietary differences and appreciated Jesse's support of her own choices, as well as his willingness to try new things.
Eggs. Rachel thought back to the day Jesse urged her to meet him in the parking lot, where she promptly found him and the members of his show choir, Vocal Adrenaline. The choir proceeded to pelt her with eggs; with Jesse delivering the final blow. It had been positively humiliating. She had trusted him and he really hurt her.
Years later, when the pair reconnected and eventually started going out again, Jesse apologized numerous times for the incident. And Rachel could tell he genuinely felt bad. She truly had forgiven him and actually, for the most part, had forgotten it. She loved Jesse, knew that he loved her - and ultimately that was all that really mattered.
But truly, he had gotten off pretty easily. She hadn't told anybody, like Mr. Shue, her own glee club director, about it. If she had, he surely would've gotten in touch with Jesse's coach, Ms. Corcoran, and Vocal Adrenaline would've faced disciplinary action. Because she hadn't said anything though, he got away with no repercussions.
That was many years ago, and Rachel truly wasn't bitter. But she couldn't help but smirk as she fantasized about what she thought an appropriate punishment for her husband would be.
Rachel's eyes wandered over to the utensil drawer where the couple kept the spatulas, scissors, pizza cutter, etc. She opened the drawer and rummaged around a bit. Aha! There it was.
Rachel reached in the drawer and pulled out the giant wooden spoon. "Rachel Loves Jesse" it said on it, along with the couple's wedding date. Kurt and Blaine had given it to them - simply intending for it to be a stupid gag gift. Which, in all fairness, it totally was. Plain wooden spoons were useful enough. What was the point in personalizing them?
Rachel stuck the spoon behind the flour jar and couldn't help but chuckle. Jesse would be home soon and boy was he in for a surprise.
About ten minutes later, Rachel heard the garage door open. Jesse opened the door and greeted his wife with a kiss and hug.
"Hey, Rach - how was your day?" Jesse asked, putting an arm around his wife and planting another kiss on the top of her head.
"It was fine. I spent some time getting ready for my audition on Friday," she said, cuddling up to him. "How was rehearsal?"
"Great! Everything is going swimmingly!" Jesse said, a bit over the top, per usual. Rachel giggled.
"Umm…babe?" Rachel said suddenly.
"Yes?" Jesse asked as Rachel helped him take off his jacket.
"I was just thinking today about…that day in the parking lot…with you and Vocal Adrenaline and the -" Rachel started.
Jesse put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "You're still upset about that, aren't you? God, Rachel. I can't tell you enough how sorry I am about that. Even after all these years-" Rachel put a finger to his lips. Jesse stopped talking and looked quizzically at his wife's finger.
"I appreciate your apology - and I know you really are sorry," Rachel acknowledged.
"Good - because I really am," Jesse reiterated.
"But I got to thinking today about how easily you got off, young man," Rachel feigned a scolding tone.
Jesse was taken aback. Was he supposed to be feeling turned on right now?
"Smashing eggs on people's heads is very naughty, Jesse St. James," Rachel was trying to fight the smirk creeping out of the corners of her mouth. Seriously - she was supposed to be an actress.
"You're right," Jesse looked down at his feet, fighting laughter. He was also supposed to be an actor, and there was no way in hell he'd be winning a Tony for the role of chastised husband.
"There's only one way to punish naughty boys," Rachel said firmly.
"Oh really, what's that?" Jesse asked. Surely she wasn't getting at what he thought she was getting at.
With one swift motion, Rachel reached out and swatted Jesse's ass. Jesse jumped a little in surprise. It did sting (turns out his wife had quite an arm!) but he was more surprised that Rachel did it in the first place. Rachel Berry St. James was a woman who wouldn't even swat a fly.
"Ouch!" Jesse feigned greater pain than he was actually experiencing, complete with dramatically grabbing his backside. Jesse turned to Rachel and pouted.
"It's what you deserve," Rachel said matter-of-factly, delivering another firm swat to her husband's ass. "Are you going to behave yourself?" she asked.
"I…don't think I've learned my lesson yet," Jesse said, rubbing his backside and shaking his head.
"I see," Rachel said. "Okay, then, we need to fix that, don't we?" Rachel walked over to the counter where she had hidden the spoon and pulled it out. Then she walked over to the kitchen table, pulled out a chair, and sat down.
"Well, Mr. St. James," Rachel said. "You made eggs over Rachel and now I'm going to make Jesse over Rachel," Rachel patted her knees.
"Is that a vegan recipe?" Jesse couldn't help but ask with a grin.
Rachel had to fight her own laughter. "1…2…" Jesse quickly went over to his wife and laid over her lap. "You're getting five swats. Count aloud," she instructed, raising the spoon in the air.
"Yes, ma'am," Jesse tried to sound contrite but it wasn't easy. He loved this side of Rachel.
Rachel brought the spoon down.
"1!" Jesse yelped. The spoon packed a bigger punch than he anticipated. Then he smirked at the floor. Who knew Rachel could be such a -
WHACK the spoon came down again.
"2!" Jesse counted. This was way hotter than he anticipated.
Rachel was about to bring the spoon down a third time when both she and Jesse paused and sniffed.
"Is something burning?" Jesse asked.
"Oh my God - the garlic bread!" Rachel cried.
Jesse practically leapt off her lap and ran to the oven. He turned it off.
"Quick, open the windows, Rach!" Jesse cried. Rachel ran to open each of the two windows in the St. James kitchen, as Jesse opened the oven door slowly. Meanwhile, the fire alarm was going off. Rachel was swearing and fumbling with the very same chair she had spanked Jesse on - trying to bring it over to the alarm to turn the damn thing off. She was having difficulty but it stopped on its own as Jesse got the smoke under control.
Exhausted, the pair looked at each other and suddenly burst out laughing.
"I completely forgot about dinner!" Rachel exclaimed. "Are you hungry, honey?"
"Nearly dying of smoke inhalation has left me with quite an appetite," Jesse chuckled, going over to the cupboard and getting out two plates.
Soon the pair was seated to a delightful meal of spaghetti, salad, and burnt garlic bread. After the couple had finished their meal, Jesse stood up and began to collect the dishes.
"You cooked - I can clean up," he said. Rachel smiled and put a hand on her husband's arm.
"The dishes can wait. But now, we've got bigger fish to fry, St. James," Rachel picked up the spoon off the floor where she had thrown it during all the commotion.
Jesse smiled.
"You're right," he said.
