I want to believe Japan I was thinking about it for any times but I also was Susan world leaving karate and the world of martial arts because it has nothing been distractive to me. It started when call Cheryl found me in the bathtub with my wristlet and it was actually self-inflicted. I didn't like what I had to do but I thought I was in the screens as well like Maza I want to be with my son so badly that I was going to Friday on my own life when I ended up in the hospital. Both for psychiatric and physical health Canada destroying I was going to move back to the states and not back to Texas where my father was brought back to where I could at least have a good life and I was going to be with nature and stuff and not have to worry about other people or karate or martial arts or anything that's distractive. The only yard so I was going to do was painting and drawing that's what I was going to do I didn't even wanna think about having to go on our plane ride knowing that I was a suicide risk at the time when I had away for a long time before I was able to go back to the US I did not go back to Texas because my father will not take me back so I went to LA live in the Reseda Boulevard and end up finding a place near nature actually where I can have a quick access generator and I made a shack without electricity or anything and I was able to just do my art visual arts drawing painting sculpting and then just leave it at that. I was very saddened and that showed up in my artwork as well the sadness of the people who are in my paintings on the sculpture that were being sculpted or the drawing is just the way the drawings of a drawn so that I have a sad Outlook on life. The phone was the worst time of year as that was masa's favourite time of year.

Many times I have painted fall scenery with the beautiful leaves and it would just break my heart and you would see it in my painting my drawings as I would draw leave or draw a C uni pain a scenery or whatever and you to see the pain that I was in just by the brush strokes and everything else it was very liberating Baila sad to do what I have to do. I have drawn everything from people to martial arts and even though I could not go back into that particular world and I always show them crying as if they were missing out on someone or that they lost somebody or some thing that was important to them. I ended up as far as writing a book about my life this is my book that I written in my own hometown on Reseda Boulevard near LA where I would come down to take a break from artwork. There I wrote my book and sang actually what was happening in my life when I was a young girl I am now 30 years old 33 actually and now I have written a memoir about my life that has been tumultuous let's say because of a Japanese mafia. Auriac who's there is it called. I ended up deciding to write a book and I read willing student force love it was kind of like a love story but it was kind of a brutal life of my life right down in the inspiration of my artwork which is my sad emotions and my sadness to begin with. I don't know if I would be living with the sadness I had to live with in Japan but I know that every fall or autumn I was afraid of crying in my sleeve it never got easier after that it still was painful for me to deal with this loss this was a major loss for me and even the fact that my children were right next-door they didn't want anything to do with me I try to tell the Flanagan's that is Then I was a different woman now but and even gave my children some artwork to show that I have changed one day they ended up walking up to my front step and actually era for mommy and I said yes I'm right here they told me that they were thankful for their artwork that they were given though it was sad they were probably about nine years old at the time they were probably learning about the big dipper and stuff. Stuff that nine-year-olds learn about anyway I was very shocked that they did not look like Martha in the lease or anyone else for that matter that I knew of in Japan they look like their own people had I known this I would've kept them I said I was sorry for giving them off in the first place but had to do so to protect my own mental health. They are mature for 9 euro girls they actually understood because their school was actually teaching them about mental health and bullying and they said that they understood what I was going through right at the bat when they saw the artwork that they were given and that they were going to try to help me survive my life even though like couldn't imagine the morning to help me.

Then the painful question came up what was dad like who was he and why did he disappear and I told him that he died because someone attacked him. And I told them that it was a very personal attack and that he kind of hurt him self after being attacked personally there for the children registered that is so suicide and they ended up saying " Was he bullied"

"Yes," I said. I didn't go on a great detail about what was happening to him at his last time days of is life.

As my children's friend I only told them that like anger sadness and depression can be used for either good or bad depending on how you decided channel it you can use it to create artwork or you can choose to hurt yourself's either way but you choose the way you want to go and I told them that I suggested that they take art classes in case something happens name of them that they have an outlet some thing that Masa never had.

I knew you was never going to be in heaven not that I was a Christian or a religious person in the first place of the three great religions but I was actually wondering if he was suffering for what he had done to him self and to other people why do you hurt yourself or try to kill yourself you end up affecting the address yourself with many other people at least 20 other people wanna do so this is why I decided to go in the iron in the first place instead of going back to martial arts. I thought that martial arts would lead me down another destructive path where I always want to be a horrible person and give up kids for adoption and be more less a whore. Going from one lover to another.

I never got my fingers tattooed but I ended up getting the tattoos of the semicolons on my middle fingers and on my wrist just a show that I've been through that shit with mental health and suicide I didn't wanna have to do that but I want to educate people on my experiences and then I was anti-karate from now on. I mention to my children after telling them about what happened to their father Massa that if they did martial arts that they were going to have to hear from me and that they were going to be suggested to be grounded or punished in someway that they would know that that's not allowed in their life because of the destructive Ness it causes.

As for my cell phone I'm alone I couldn't even listen to the Japanese language of the Japanese music let alone watch anything Japanese because I was afraid it would bring me right back to finding masa dad in the actual garden.

Masa I wonder how your doing?