NOTE: This work is intended as an exploration of suicide and what drives people to do it. I do not endorse suicide, and if anyone reading this is considering suicide, I beg of you not to go through with it. There are solutions, and there are people who want to help. Please do not use any information in this story as instructions or inspiration.
"I kind of figured you'd never come back."
Kousei knew why Kaori thought that. He had thought it himself for a while. After she asked the unthinkable.
"Wanna kill yourself with me?"
He couldn't respond then. He had left, even after she said it was a joke. It wasn't. Not really. Kousei is sure of it. And he still can't respond to it. He supposes they're just gonna pretend it never happened.
"I promised you canalés," he says, holding up the bag of sweets. She smiles, and it's so bright he can't look directly at her. He's not sure if it's her smile or her sickly pale skin he can't handle.
She asks questions. Normal ones this time. "Are you practicing?" "How's school?" "How is Tsubaki?" That sort of stuff. He can't respond beyond one-word answers. Can't think of anything but how he wants to ask his own question.
"Are you dying?"
He's too scared to ask it out loud. Scared he can't handle the answer.
As always, Kaori isn't scared to cut to the chase, though even she refuses to talk about the real elephant in the room.
"Those answers all suck! I bet you don't even want to be here in the first place!" she shouts, and just like that she draws him out of his shell again.
"I do want to be here! I just don't know what to say. I don't have answers for… this," he says, not daring to address it any more directly.
"Then leave, go back to how your life was before. All you have to do is forget about me. Just press the reset button in your mind. One tap and you're done," Kaori says, so painfully cheerful, like it's that simple. It's not. It's just a punch to the gut. For a second he considers just running out. Screw her, how dare she think that's something he could do! Does she think so little of him?
"Is that what you want? For me to walk out now and never come back?" he somehow asks instead. For the first time that day she seems truly taken aback. Eventually she giggles, a twisted perversion of an actual laugh. His mom used to make that sound too, near the end.
"What I want? What does that matter anymore?" she says heatedly, looking down at her hands. Her eyes are wet, Kousei suddenly notices.
"I'm gonna die, Kousei. I'm not gonna get better anymore. All that matters now is that I help the people around me while I can. And you're supposed to be a musician. You have to practice. If… If visiting me distracts you from that, then yes, you should walk out and never come back," she eventually whispers, so softly he has to lean in to hear it. His own eyes are getting blurry now.
Her words should be another punch to the gut. She is dying. And yet in some way it's a relief. To know for sure. To know this horrible truth.
"How am I supposed to care about some stupid music competition when you're dying?" Kousei chokes on the last word. "How can that not distract me, whether I visit you or not?" he manages to spit out through his tears, now flowing openly down his cheeks. Kaori sighs deeply.
"This is why I didn't want to tell you. You don't need this in your life. You need the piano-" she says and all of a sudden he sees his mother again, ready to hit him with her cane for wanting to play with Tsubaki instead of practicing.
"Fuck the piano!" he shouts. "Don't you understand? I never had some childhood dream to play the piano! I only played because people I love kept telling me they need to see me play. First my mom, and now you. I play for you! If you're just gonna die then what's the point? Why should I keep practicing if I'm gonna quit again when you're dead?"
The room was deadly silent after that. Kousei can't believe he just said all that. He can't believe he thought all that. And yet all of it is honest truth. It's only now that all his confused thoughts from the last few months are starting to make sense.
"Kaori… You said that what you want doesn't matter. Then I guess it's up to what I want. And what I want is… to spend as much time with you while I still can. Make sure you're as happy as possible in the time you have left. Without guilt or shame or obligations. Nothing else is more important right now. I don't want to live on knowing I could have spared you suffering. So I ask you again: what is it that you want?" he slowly said, stomach churning. He was more nervous now than he had ever been before a competition.
"If it were me that she needed right now, I would do anything. She could say the word, and I'd drink toilet water." He only now understood Watari's words. Whatever Kaori would ask right now, Kousei would do anything to make it happen.
Kaori's face was turned away from him, but he could see tears drip on her shirt. "What do I want? Honestly, I want to not be in pain anymore. I want to get out of this hospital. I try not to give up on life, but it's just so hard. I am tired, Kousei. Tired of this unresponsive body, tired of keeping up appearances, tired of knowing that I'm gonna die soon, but not knowing what day it'll happen," she whispered.
Kousei sat down on the bed, somehow feeling like he was dreaming, like it wasn't him moving, but someone else, someone in a movie or a fantasy. But it was still his mouth that opened and said the unthinkable this time.
"I know a way we can both get what we want. Wanna kill yourself with me?"
Even if it was a joke before, it's serious now. She knows that, and he knows she knows that.
They turned to look at each other at the exact same time, and smiled when their eyes met.
"Alright."
When they agreed to double suicide, Kousei had thought he'd spent the rest of his time only thinking about important things and making decisions about literal life and death. He'd thought everything would be dead (literally) serious.
And yet here he was, in the hospital gift shop wondering what gigantic stuffed animal Kaori would like the most.
He figured that, since he wouldn't need his savings for distant things like college or adult life, he'd spent it on gifts for Kaori. And since she seemed to like stuffed animals, he'd get her one of those. But the difficulty he was having choosing between the 5-feet long alligator, the misshapen fluffy dog, and the panda with heart-shaped spots around its eyes, reminded Kousei that he didn't know the girl he was killing himself for all that well.
He knew the important things: how much she loves music, her fears, her worries, and even how she had admired him since she was a little girl. Kaori had confessed it all after they made their secret pact. And he'd confessed in turn. How she'd brought the color back into his life from that first moment in the park. How jealous he'd been of Watari, thinking he was the one she liked. How his mother had trained him. Beaten him.
How terrified he was of watching Kaori wither away like his mother had.
Things he'd never told anyone. Not Tsubaki, not Hokori, not Watari. Things he thought he'd take to his grave.
That grave had simply become a plot for two. Kaori had made that joke, making him laugh after all the tears that day. It was freeing, being able to share all that trauma for once, and then being able to laugh about it.
Remembering that made him smile again. And yet knowing all about Kaori's previous hospital visits or her fear of paralysis was annoyingly unhelpful for guessing her favorite animal. After ten more minutes of agonizing indecision he bought all three giant plushies, drawing stares from guests and hospital staff alike as he struggled to carry the makeshift menagerie up the stairs to her room.
Kaori burst into laughter the moment he walked in and dumped the plushies on her bed, and the pure sound made all the anxiety from earlier worth it. "I wasn't sure which one you'd like best, so…" Kousei mumbled as she ran her fingers through the plushie dog's thick fur.
"Friend A, indecisive but supportive as always. What am I even supposed to do with these? They won't all fit on the bed!" she chided, gesturing at the alligator that had fallen on the floor. He quickly grabbed it, taking the opportunity to hide his blush as he bent down.
"They can take turns, to keep you company when I'm not here. Unfortunately I can't be here 24/7," he said, sitting down and placing the gigantic alligator in his lap so it hid his face. It was strange how just yesterday they had bared their darkest secrets to each other, and yet now he was embarrassed over a silly gift.
"Oh right, you have practice today with that girl. Nagi, was it?" she asked, a hint of annoyance in her voice.
"Are you mad about that?" he asked, wondering if he wasn't supposed to spend time with other girls now that they had basically admitted they like each other. Was he Kaori's boyfriend now? Kousei wasn't sure, and he didn't dare ask.
Kaori was quiet for a while, rocking the plushie panda in her arms and avoiding his gaze. Kousei let her collect her thoughts.
"I guess I am annoyed, but I also know it's selfish. Heck, I suppose this entire… plan is selfish of us, and yet I'm still angry that I don't get a hundred percent of your attention during it. We'll have so little time together, and I want to make the most of every second of that time. But… Nagi and the others also have so little time left with you. Though I suppose they don't know that yet. I'm not gonna tell you you shouldn't spend time with them. It's up to you what you do with your life, Kousei," she eventually said, hugging the panda tight.
"I've had so much time with Watari and Tsubaki already. My entire life. And… too little with you. I just have a… responsibility to Nagi. I can't just abandon her before her big performance. That's what my mom did to me. I know she didn't mean to, but… I can't inflict that pain on someone else. Nagi will be fine after that recital, once she has proven she can play. And then I'll be ready to spend the rest of my life with you," he said, unsure where these words came from. He'd never been one for big speeches or heartfelt confessions, and yet this girl just makes the words flow like music notes.
"I hate it, but it also makes me love you more. Your kindness, I mean. I may have fallen for you at first for your music, but in the end it's Friend A I want, not The Human Metronome," she told him, finally putting the bear aside and looking straight at him. Kousei's brain stopped working at the word 'love', so he almost missed the rest of her sentence. When he finally processed it, he just blushed harder, burying his face in the alligator. They hadn't said it that explicitly before, and now that she had he didn't know how to respond.
Watari would know, he's had tons of girls confess their love to him. But Kousei couldn't be all cool and casual about it like he'd seen his friend do. How could anyone? It's terrifying, awe-inspiring, world-changing to hear a girl say those things!
As always, Kaori refused to waste time on awkwardness, and he was rudely pulled from his thoughts when she tossed the plushie dog at his head.
"What was that for?" he shouted, dramatically rubbing his ear where it had hit him.
"Wanna stop moping and kiss now?" she simply replied. All casual, like she was just asking him to share some sweets. It made him a little angry how flippant she was about such an important thing.
But then he saw her thin hands, gripping the panda tightly, and he realized that she was just as scared as him. But she was more scared of dying. Especially dying without having even kissed someone.
"Yes!" he answered, instantly cringing at how overeager he sounded. But Kaori didn't mind, putting the plushie bear on her nightstand and patting the bed. He sat down next to her.
The next minute was a jumble of thoughts like "Where do I put my hands?" and "Does my breath smell bad?" and "Should I take off my glasses for this?", but then their lips finally met and he forgot all those worries. It was a simple kiss with no tongue, but it still made him smile widely when they pulled back. Hers was even brighter. It made him want to kiss her again immediately.
So he did. It wasn't until his phone started beeping, reminding him he needed to get to Nagi's lesson, that they separated.
No words were said. None were needed. Just a quick "see you tomorrow!" when he walked out the door. And for the first time in his life, Kousei Arima felt comfortable with not being able to put his feelings into words.
It wasn't until a few days later that the theoretical started to become real, as Kaori insisted they plan every last detail of their morbid agreement. It was just after dinnertime, after a nurse had escorted Kaori to the bathroom and hooked up an IV that they were left alone. Apparently the overworked staff wouldn't check up on them for hours. A movie played on the little tv screen in the corner, mostly to ensure they wouldn't be overheard.
Still, Kousei felt very nervous as he sat down on the bed, his face close to hers so they could whisper as quietly as possible.
'How?' was the first question. There were a number of options. Jumping, perhaps. Off the hospital roof, or in front of a train. They quickly rejected those. Too gruesome. Too public. It wasn't said out loud, but they didn't want to involve others. Kousei felt sick at the idea of a train driver or passerby being traumatized by their act.
Other ideas were whispered. Hanging. Too lonely. Too slow. Kaori didn't want to die in pain. Kousei didn't want to have a noose separate from hers.
Slitting their throats. Seppuku. Again, too painful. Too bloody. "I don't want to leave a mess behind," she whispered. What mess was he leaving behind? Who would clean it up?
Shooting themselves. Too difficult to find a gun. Plus, the image of their brains splattered across the wall made him feel sick. Maybe it made it too clear how messed up this plan of theirs really was. Kousei didn't want the reminder.
Pills. The moment Kaori whispered the word to him, Kousei knew she had already decided on that. She pulled one from the folds of her gown and showed him: a tiny round tablet. Morphine. Part of her daily cocktail of medications. She had pretended to take it, but instead hid it in the thick hospital blanket that was the same dried out shade of blue.
She had more, snatched whenever she could get away with it. Hidden deep in her school bag, beneath the textbooks where no one would look. "I didn't take them to kill myself with," she swore. It was a game at first. Seeing if she could without being noticed. Plus the morphine made her drowsy. Made it hard to hold her violin.
Made her feel dead inside.
The nurses didn't notice. She took a dozen pills with every meal, and they had so many other patients to get to.
Kousei was scared to touch the pill. It was suddenly too real, too close. Up to this point it had all been just talk. But this was real. It was a pill he could swallow right now. Would it be enough to kill him? How many did they need? What would it feel like?
He stayed quiet, too scared to ask. He didn't need to. She explained everything unprompted, with the experience from so many years of chronic illness. Morphines are painkillers. Take one or two with every meal, and it makes you numb. Take multiple doses at once, and you pass out.
Take too many, and you never wake up again. What "too many" is depends on how used you are to them. He'd be out with 3 or 4 of these little pills. Kaori might need five times that amount.
"Anyway, it's painless. No matter how much I hate morphine and how numb it makes me, it sure stops all the pain. Doesn't that… sound nice? We take these, lie down in bed, and we just slowly fall asleep together. No pain. No blood. No mess. Clean. Comfortable," she whispered to him. That did sound nice. No matter how wrong this all was, he couldn't deny that part.
"Where? Here in the hospital?" he asked. She chuckled like the very idea was silly. The sound was out of place, and yet it was so Kaori. "We're breaking a lot of rules. Why not break one more and sneak out? We'll get the privacy at your house that we don't have here. There are… things I want to do before we take those pills. No matter how busy the nurses are, there are limits to how far I want to go with you in this place," she said, making him blush brightly. Sure, he had thought about that a lot ever since she kissed him… and a lot before then too. But he hadn't dared to even consider bringing it up.
She laughed at his shocked expression before kissing him. That took some of the embarrassment away.
"Anything else you want? Since we seem to be planning our first date and all," he asked when they pulled apart. She slapped him playfully.
"Don't go thinking I'm easy, crawling into your bed on the first date." He laughed at that.
"If this whole plan is what it takes when you're easy, I'm scared to learn what you demand when you're playing hard-to-get!"
"Idiot. There is one other thing, but it's stupid. I want to play a duet with you. But I can't. I can't hold the bow anymore. My arms are too weak," she slowly said, the mood instantly turning sad again. He hated it. Why couldn't things be happy and romantic for one day?!
"Then I'll hold the bow for you. You just guide my hand," he said before even thinking about it. Kaori looked skeptical at first, but then she smiled again.
"Alrighty then, let's at least try it out. Can't go worse than the last time you were my accompanist," she said with a wink before pointing at the violin case in the corner.
While he carefully grabbed the instrument she paused the movie and sat on the edge of the bed, gesturing for him to kneel behind her. Kousei tried not to think about how close they were, his front pressed to her back as she took his hands.
"So what are we playing?" he asked, unsure if this could work. He knew how a violin was played, but he had no experience actually doing it.
"Let's start simple. Mary Had a Little Lamb," she said, resting her hands over his. Then she pushed his right arm, making him move the bow over the strings. A screechy tone rang out.
"Gotta press a note, remember? I thought you were a professional, Friend A," she chuckled, nudging the fingers of his left hand. It was unsure, hesitant as he figured out where to press for which note, but after a few minutes they were playing the lullaby. He'd move the bow, with her simply adjusting the angle, while she pressed the notes as he held the neck. But then she suddenly stopped, leaving his embrace to grab her bag.
"As nice as this is, I was hoping for something more interesting than little Mary," she answered before he could even ask. He experimented with the violin as she dug through piles of sheet music until she found what she was looking for.
He couldn't help but laugh uncontrollably when he saw the title: Danse Macabre by Camille Saint-Saëns.
The Dance of Death, a duet for violin and piano. How fitting. God, they're horrible, aren't they?
"I love it," he said when he finally got his laughter under control. But then his smile fell. "I can't play the piano and help you with the violin at the same time, though."
Kaori nodded, and he realized she had already considered every aspect of this. "I know, it won't be a real duet. But I was hoping we could record the parts, and then mix them together. I have a program on my laptop that does that. And then… on that day, we can listen to it while-"
A loud bang interrupted her mid-sentence, making them jump. Kousei turned his head to see Watari in the doorway, looking sheepish at how hard he had thrown the door into the wall. The sight made Kousei jerk away from Kaori. Why did he feel guilty all of a sudden? Would Watari notice what was up?
"Hey Watari!" Kaori said happily. In the corner of his eye Kousei saw her try to hide the sheet music under her blanket, but her hand shook and the pages fell to the floor. He jumped up to grab them, but Watari with his soccer reflexes was already there.
"Let me get that for you. Sorry for startling you. Did I interrupt something?" the boy asked, a teasing hint at the last part.
"No, we were just talking about music," Kaori said with a perfect poker face. The ease with which she lied scared him.
"Always music with you two, isn't it? So what is it this time? D-Dance Macuhble?" Watari tried, butchering the title. "Sorry, my German isn't that good."
"It's actually Fren-" Kaori kicked Kousei in the shin before he could finish correcting.
"Just a piece Kousei might try playing. Nothing special," she said, clearly hoping Watari would drop the topic. "So how are you? How's exam season?" she barrelled on, and Watari responded with his boundless energy, cracking jokes about the difficulties he was having with English. Kousei sat down in the chair, feeling like the awkward third wheel again.
"Now this guy, he's nailing biology even though he's spending all his time with you! Are you tutoring him or something? Why don't you give me some private lessons, eh Kaori?" Watari said, poking Kousei in the arm with a laugh. "Stop flirting with my girlfriend!" he wanted to shout.
"Eh, not much privacy here. You might be into nurses watching you study anatomy, but I'm very much not," Kaori said, shooting him down playfully, and Kousei remembered he was the one Kaori likes. Not Watari. Him!
"I kind of figured. You two have a thing going, don't you?" Watari asked with a chuckle, and Kousei ducked his head, blushing brightly. For a few seconds they were all dead silent, though Watari smiled slightly. He wasn't jealous or angry?
"Yes. Yes we do. Took forever to get this idiot to confess, let me tell you!" Kaori eventually admitted, lightly punching him in the arm to break the ice. Watari just laughed.
"I knew it! I knew she'd pick you! I'm really happy for you. It's about time my best friend has some romance in his life!" he shouted, before opening his bag. "This calls for celebration! I brought chocolate muffins, so that's perfect!"
It took a minute for Kousei to adjust, but then he was able to eat muffins and laugh with both of them. For a while he forgot all about the plan, forgot they were in a hospital, forgot Kaori was dying. Forgot that he'd be dying with her. Tonight, they were just a group of friends having fun together.
It wasn't until a nurse came in to get Kaori ready for bed that he remembered.
As they walked out the door Watari told him that if they needed any condoms he was happy to give them some. It was more than loud enough for both Kaori and the nurse to hear.
Burning with embarrassment, Kousei turned to Kaori, wanting to tell her that it wasn't like that, that he could prepare for that himself, that they could go at their own pace, but all the words died in his throat when he saw the strange expression on her face. She looked sick, guilty.
It all seemed to go over Watari's head. The boy just walked back to Kaori before whispering loud enough for Kousei to hear clearly. "Right, of course Kousei's too shy to ask for that. Don't worry Kaori, I'll sneak some condoms into his bag," before walking right out the door with not a hint of shame.
"Good friend you got there. Maybe a little vulgar, but a good heart," the nurse said with a giggle.
"Yes. Yes, he really is," Kaori agreed with a wistful tone in her voice.
Kousei really shouldn't be surprised anymore by baseballs crashing into the music room. Tsubaki managed the trickshot at least once a month, no matter how many fences the school placed. And yet the sound of shattering glass still made him fall off the bench with a loud yell. At least this time the ball didn't hit him in the face. Instead it struck the phone lying on top of the piano, making it bounce off the keys with a cheerful note that contrasted the somber tune he had been playing.
The fact that he could hear Kaori yelling at his "ridiculously stupid mistake" reassured him the phone still worked despite the cracked screen.
"Not my fault, it was one of Tsubaki's baseballs," he shouted back, scrambling back to his feet and grabbing his phone.
"Oh shit, Kousei! You're not hurt, are you?" Tsubaki ran up to the shattered window, looking worried.
"I'm fine," he said, bringing the phone up to his ear. He felt guilty for some reason, like Tsubaki shouldn't see him talk to Kaori. But she didn't care about that.
"You're bleeding! Your fingers! I'm taking you to the nurse's office now!" Tsubaki shouted, and it wasn't until then that he noticed the shards of glass on the piano keys and the blood flowing from his left hand. She wasted no time, vaulting over the windowsill with her gloved hand and grabbing his arm. He resisted, wanting to say bye to Kaori on the phone first when Tsubaki snatched the phone right from his bloody hand and put it in her own pocket. Before he could protest she pulled him along again, with so much force he couldn't help but follow.
Seconds later he was in the nurse's office, yelping at the sting from the disinfectant being applied.
"Will he be okay?" Tsubaki asked, looking like she was about to cry. He didn't understand why she was so worked up.
"What's up with you? It's just a couple little cuts. My phone got the worst of it!" he laughed, remembering his cracked screen and expecting her to laugh too. But instead she looked horrified.
"But Kousei… it's your fingers. Those can't get hurt! What if they're permanently damaged? You know I didn't mean to hit the window, right?"
Oh. Right. Pianist's fingers. He couldn't afford a big injury if he wanted to go pro. Which Tsubaki still assumed he was going to do.
How was he supposed to tell her that this duet will be the last thing he'll ever play?
Before he could answer, the nurse rushed to reassure her that they were very shallow cuts and no nerves or muscles were torn. It'd be healed in a day or so.
"I'm so sorry. I was so scared I ruined your entire life," Tsubaki said softly when they left the infirmary again. Kousei shook his head.
"It's no big deal, really. To be honest, I… uh… I'm thinking of quitting anyway," he told her, nervously scratching his hair with his bandaged hand. Her head shot up to stare at him with a bewildered expression.
"You're giving it up? But I thought… Since Kaori dragged you back into music, you've been much more cheerful. I figured it's good for you," she said quickly, barely stopping for breath.
"I think that's more to do with Kaori than with the piano," he said, blushing. Could he tell her that he and Kaori were dating? They told Watari, but for some reason he hesitated at telling Tsubaki.
"Oh. I see. Well… just let me know what you decide, okay? I guess you're not going to that conservatory anymore then either," she said before he could make up his mind, shaking her head like she was dizzy.
"I haven't really thought about schools yet. But… I guess not the conservatory, no," he said, as close to the truth as he could afford. Before he could elaborate, she suddenly reached into her pocket and took out his phone again. He had forgotten she still had it.
"Here, have this back. Sorry for taking it. I got too worked up, I suppose. Well, I should get back to practice! See ya later!" Tsubaki said, pushing the phone into his hands before running off.
He looked at her running down the hallway for a few seconds before turning to his phone, wanting to inspect the damage. To his surprise the call with Kaori was still going.
"Uhh, Kaori? Are you still there? Sorry, I meant to hang up earlier," he hesitantly said into the speaker, but got no response back. Figuring she had given up on the call, he hung up before walking back to the music room. There, through the broken window, he saw Tsubaki on the home plate, already hitting baseballs again.
She was too far away for him to see the tears streaming down her face.
It was an unremarkable Friday evening when they put their plan in motion. It had been cloudy all day with occasional rain. When Kousei looked out the window the sky was gloomy and grey above a gorgeous red sunset.
"Don't worry, I'll make sure she brushes her teeth!" It was easy to convince the nurse that there was no need to check on Kaori again that evening. She was tired and would go straight to bed the moment they finished the movie they were watching, they promised.
Once again Kousei felt a little disturbed by how good Kaori was at lying. He felt a little disturbed by their entire plan. But he was also strangely excited. Weeks of just talking, planning, imagining, but tonight they'd actually take the plunge.
True to their word, they did finish the movie. It was a comedy about a girl who turned into a cat. Despite the thoughts racing through his head, Kousei still laughed at the jokes as they cuddled. He wished the movie could last forever. But far too soon the credits rolled, and it was time.
Hidden in his backpack were the things they'd need. Their farewell letters. A flash drive with the duet music they mixed. Pictures of Kaori's parents that she wanted with her. And underneath everything else were dozens of morphine pills. Kaori had already separated them into two bags. One for him, and the much larger pack for her. He had let her handle that part. The pills still scared him, and he didn't want to look at them.
Then it was a matter of sneaking out. He led the way, gesturing to her when the coast was clear. A minute later they were outside. Kaori's legs shook under the effort, and he let her piggyback. She wore a coat over her pajamas, so they didn't stand out too much.
"Twinkle twinkle little star..." they sang together when the sun had set and the stars appeared overhead, barely visible through gaps in the clouds. All of a sudden it hit him that he'd never see the sun again.
"What's wrong?" Kaori asked when his voice trembled. He shook his head. No way was he going to show fear now. He was doing this for her. She was the one in pain, the one who had to do this now or die a slow painful death. And she couldn't do it alone.
"Nothing. Just… I wish we could have sung that song a lot more," he said, trying to keep his voice light. "Let's keep moving."
When they reached the railway crossing the warning lights were flashing bright red. In the distance they could see the headlight of the approaching train. They glanced at each other, knowing that they both had the same thought. They could do it right now. A few steps forward and it would all be over. But they shook their heads. They had a plan. No need to take this way out.
As the train barrelled past with a loud roar, Kousei wondered whether the train driver had noticed them. Had they worried the strange teenage couple were going to jump? Were they relieved they hadn't, ignorant of the fact they would be dead by morning anyway?
Before long they arrived at his house. The light was on in Tsubaki's room. He doubted she'd interfere, though. His windows were closed and the curtains drawn, so she shouldn't be able to notice anything amiss.
Knowing they would die in a few hours, Kousei and Kaori had their first date. He'd prepared everything. A candlelit dinner of all their favorite foods. Kaori ate strawberry cake as Kousei played the piano. Gluck's Orfeo, about a musician who journeys into the Underworld attempting (and failing) to bring his lover back to life by impressing Hades with his music. After his love is forced to return to the Underworld, the musician kills himself to be with her forevermore. Shockingly inappropriate for the occasion, and yet it felt right.
After he finished the last note, she insisted he taste the cake too. He reached for the plate, but instead she planted her mouth on his and shared the dessert directly. That led to a mix of making out and a food fight, and when they'd finally stopped laughing she wanted to take a bath.
Kousei carried her into the bathroom, gently lowering her into the tub. He turned around, planning to let her wash up in private, but she pulled him back.
"You won't let sick little me undress herself, right?" she said, blushing but determined. He blushed just as bright as he helped her out of her pajamas and turned on the hot water. She joked about how red his face was as she took off her underwear. For a brief moment he wanted to blame it on the steam, but then he remembered Kaori understood his inexperience, understood his nervousness, and that she chose to be with him despite all of that.
They kissed again as the tub filled up. When they separated she looked at him lovingly, before suddenly smirking. She grabbed his tie, and without another word pulled him right into the tub.
It's hard to take off a drenched uniform while sitting in a filled bathtub with a naked girl determined to distract you, but Kousei eventually managed. Suddenly the laughter stopped as they took their first look at each other's naked body. Everything was shy smiles and shaking fingers as they gently reached out to the other.
The water was cold and their skin wrinkled by the time they disentangled and climbed out. And yet Kousei had never felt so comfortable, so right, as he did then.
They only barely managed to make it to the bedroom before they intertwined again. Eventually they were sated, and Kousei wanted nothing more than to fall asleep right there with her in his arms. But he had to stay awake for a little bit longer. The plan had to be carried out. Otherwise they'd be found out, and Kaori would be taken back to the hospital. She'd have to die slowly and painfully, and he'd have to witness every second of it. This was their only chance.
Their rendition of the Danse Macabre played as they prepared. In the end the duet hadn't been perfect, the difficulty they had with the violin clearly audible on the faster parts. Kousei imagined the horrified expressions the contest judges would have if they heard it. But this song wasn't for others. It was theirs, and for them it was perfect.
Soon enough there was a sign on the door warning visitors of what they would find within. Their farewell letters were in clear view on the table. Kousei helped Kaori put her nightgown on, and he put on some pajamas. As much as he wanted to have her naked in his arms, he didn't want whoever would find them to see what should be for their eyes only.
And finally, they laid out the pills. Seeing them Kaori finally broke, asking him with tears in her eyes if she was cruel to her parents by doing this. He told her they'd understand, that they didn't want their daughter to suffer. He had no idea if he was lying or not.
He filled her glass with water, and after a final wipe of her eyes, Kaori swallowed dozens of pills with practiced ease. Then it was his turn. His hands shook as he lifted his glass, but then she put her hand over his, steadying him. He looked up, eager to look at her instead of the terrifying pills.
"It'll be alright. You'll be fine," she said, and he couldn't say no to those tired yet still gorgeous eyes. A deep breath, and he swallowed his set of pills. They weighed heavily in his stomach.
The Dance of Death was in its final stretch when they laid on the bed. The piano was frantic, a sharp contrast to how sluggish and tired he was becoming.
When planning today, he had imagined there'd be a poetic declaration of love at this point. Inspirational dying words. A gentle, perfect kiss, like in movies.
But now he understood they didn't need any of that. They simply looked into each other's eyes, expressing everything that way. Only when he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore did he hear Kaori whisper "Thank you. Goodbye, Kousei." Something felt off about that, but he was too tired to question it.
As promised, it was just like falling asleep. Kousei lost consciousness as the final note played.
Everything was blurry and white when Kousei opened his eyes. He immediately wished he hadn't. He was surrounded by bright light, making his head throb in pain.
"Is he waking up?"
Kousei's head was sluggish, and his eyes refused to focus. What was happening? He was lying on something soft, but his hands were too tingly to figure out the texture.
"Alright, stay with me. I know this is confusing, so just focus on me, okay?" a voice said. It took all his strength to turn his head to the right to see a white figure. Why was everything so bright and blurry? All he could make out was something yellow around their head.
"Kaori?" His throat ached, and the name came out more like a screechy gasp.
"Here, he needs this," another blurry figure said as they walked up to him. Cold plastic touched his head, and it took a few seconds for him to realize someone had put his glasses on. Before he could find his bearings more light shone into his eyes.
"Eyes aren't focusing yet… Don't worry, that's perfectly normal. Takes a minute to wake up after the nap he just had," the first voice said as the light vanished again. Kousei now saw that what he thought was a blonde person was actually a bald man wearing white, standing in front of a yellow door. Everything was still a little blurry, and it was so hard to think. He closed his eyes again, hoping it would ease his headache.
"Woah, don't fall asleep again. Can you tell me your name?" Why did they need to know that? What was happening?
"Kousei Arima," he managed to squeak out before coughing.
"Oh right, your throat's pretty dry. Here, have some water. Careful now, small sips only." Cold glass touched his lips, and without thinking he lapped at the drops of water on the rim, only now realizing he was parched.
As he drank, he started to remember. Kaori. The plan. The pills. He had taken them. They both had. And then they had fallen asleep. Like she had said they would.
"Alright Arima, can you tell me where you are? If you're not sure you're allowed to guess," the voice asked, taking away the water, and he frowned. Were there headaches in heaven? But he couldn't imagine getting water in hell. Neither made sense, but it had to be one of them, right?
"A-Afterlife?" he eventually tried, eyes still squeezed shut. The male voice chuckled softly at that, but the person who had given him his glasses gasped. A second later he heard a slam.
"Your friend didn't like that answer. Can't say I blame her. May I call you Kousei? I hate to be formal during this. Listen, Kousei… You are in the hospital. Nerima Hikarigaoka hospital. I am Doctor Nagama. You're here because you ingested a lot of benzodiazepines. An overdose. You were in a coma for the past three days, but you'll be alright. The headache and dizziness will last a while. Unfortunately we can't give you painkillers because of your current condition, but by tomorrow all of the benzodiazepines will have cleared your system and you should feel a lot better."
Kousei's first thought was that he was in the hospital Kaori had been in. Wait, he was alive? Did that mean that their plan failed? Something didn't add up, but he couldn't figure out what. Why was it so hard to think straight?
"What… What about Kaori?" he slowly asked. The doctor sighed.
"I'm very sorry. She… She was already dead when we found you two. Opioid overdose." At that last part, Kousei realized what was wrong. He had taken the same thing Kaori had.
Or did he? He had never heard her mention 'benzodiazepines'. He'd never even heard that word before.
"But I took the same pills she did," he eventually said, opening his eyes slightly to look at the doctor next to him. Very slowly the man came into focus. He looked surprised, before turning serious again.
"Look, Kousei. I know this wasn't some random accident, or experimentation with drugs, or any other excuse you might think of trying. These were deliberate overdoses. I won't judge, I'm just here to take care of your health. I don't need or want to know why you did it. But as a doctor, I can tell you that the pills you took, the benzodiazepines, were very different from the morphine that Miss Miyazono ingested. The pills might have looked the same to your eyes, but they would never have killed you since we found you so quickly. They just put you in that coma."
"I don't understand," Kousei said, mind completely blank.
"I don't know exactly what happened that evening, and it might be irresponsible of me to speculate, but I think that whoever gave you those pills didn't want you to actually die. Now, enough of that. I think it's best if you focus on more pleasant things. Your friend is outside. She has been watching over you pretty much the entire time you were here, in fact. I'll come back later," the doctor said, standing up and leaving the room.
Moments later Tsubaki walked in. There were tear marks on her cheeks, and her hair was greasy and unkempt. What was he supposed to say in this situation? She knew what he had done, and he had no excuse, no explanation that she would understand.
In the end he stayed silent as she stood by his bed, looking down at him with an expression filled with pain and confusion.
"You thought it was real, didn't you? You really thought the pills you took were the real deal," she asked when the silence became too much to bear.. He slowly nodded, not seeing the point in lying anymore. "The entire time you were in that coma I hoped… I prayed that you knew when you took them that you wouldn't die. That you hadn't done that. Hadn't… Hadn't tried to kill yourself." Her voice cracked at the last two words.
"You could have talked to me. I know you've had your depressive episodes these past years, but I didn't think… Why didn't I see the signs? Why didn't I… That goddamn song you've been playing these past few weeks! It drove me crazy, you know that? It made me so anxious! It's such a tense song. And that night… I heard it coming from your house. With violin. It was so weird. It made no sense. I should have come over. Checked if something was wrong! Then maybe they could have saved Kaori too!" Tsubaki cried.
Kousei only noticed he was crying too when he tried to talk. His throat was raw and tight, and he had to take deep breaths before he could respond.
"Kaori didn't want to be saved. She was dying already. She wanted to… go out on her terms," he said, knowing how hollow it sounded.
"But why you too? Why would you… No, I can't do this right now. Kousei… I still want to be your friend. I still care about you. I still lov-" She stopped herself before she could say more, taking deep breaths. He finished her sentence in his head anyway. On any other day hearing that from Tsubaki would have shocked him to his core. But right now he was too numb to process it.
"What I'm trying to say is… I want to help you. But right now, in this moment, I think you're the stupidest, most horrible person I've ever met, and I can't stand to be around you. So I'm gonna leave before I punch you or do something else I'll regret," she said coldly.
"I'm sorry," he said softly, looking down at the blanket with the color of morphine pills.
"Are you really? I'm not so sure. I just… Here, take this. Kaori asked me to give this to you. In her letter to me," she took an envelope from her sweater pocket and threw it on his bed. "I haven't opened it. There were moments while I was waiting for you to wake up that I wanted to read it. Thought it might help me understand why… But I figured it was private." With that she turned around and ran out the room, slamming the door on her way out. He reached out his arm in a pathetic attempt to stop her, only noticing now that there was an IV in his hand.
It took a few minutes for Kousei to gather the energy to sit up and examine the envelope. It was Kaori's stationary, addressed to him. Was this the last thing he had left of Kaori? The last thing she'd ever tell him. The last secret. After this it'd be over. Could he handle that? He wasn't sure.
But he didn't think he could handle not knowing either. With shaking hands, he opened the envelope and unfolded the letter within.
Hey You! I mean, Dear Kousei,
You're coming over here in just a bit to visit me for the last time, so I'm writing you a farewell letter. Feels kind of weird. At first I wanted to start with "By the time you're reading this, I will be dead" but I figured that would be too cliche. Even though there's one thing I've learned over these past few weeks with you, and that's that all the cliches are cliches because they actually work. Butterflies in your stomach, the world being more colorful, feeling incomplete when you're not there. All the things the books and poems and movies always say about love. I used to roll my eyes at those, thinking it was ridiculous over-the-top metaphor.
Right until we got together and they turned out to describe exactly what I was feeling. It didn't matter that you were so different from what I expected before I met you. You turned out to be meek, and neurotic, and a bit of a quitter. But maybe that just made me like you more. Thank you for giving me those feelings. Thank you for everything.
I suppose I should address the elephant in the room now, rather than just writing a love letter. You're reading this, so you survived and I did not."That wasn't the plan!" is probably what you're thinking. And you're right, it wasn't. Not at first.
I can't do it on my own. I've known that for a while now. I tried to kill myself once, not that long before we met. Right before the point of no return I hesitated. Couldn't go through with it. Couldn't die alone. And then you came into my life, and I stopped having those thoughts for a while.
They came back the day I couldn't hold the bow anymore, and never left.
I think you've been having those thoughts for a while too. And I suspect that you can't do it on your own either. I hope I was able to keep those thoughts at bay for you too. At least until a few weeks ago, I suppose.
At first it seemed like a perfect match. We were looking for the same exit. That's what I thought, that the plan was a perfect solution. Right until about a week ago, when Watari visited, and we told him we're a couple. He was so supportive, remember?! And then the next day, when I heard Tsubaki worry about your fingers and your future. I'm sorry for listening in on that over the phone.
The point is, I realized that they didn't want you to die. Their lives are better and brighter with you in it. You impacted so many people in your life, from your best friends to Nagi to that girl who couldn't stop crying at your first recital. And if you keep living, you'll impact so many more.
And then I realized I don't want you to die either. I can't let that happen. I can't give you pills that will kill you. I still think your music makes the world more beautiful, but even if you choose never to play again you being alive is infinitely better than you dying. You have the chance that I didn't get, the chance to choose a healthy and long life. And I can't let you reject the choice that I would give everything to be able to make.
But I know that you're in too deep now to give up on the plan, to just let me die alone. You're too stubborn, in your own weird way. And honestly, I don't know if I can go through alone if we abandon the plan now.
Do you know what the Danse Macabre is about? It's about how, no matter how powerful or rich or healthy we were in life, we will all be together in the same 'dance of death' in the end. Right now that scares me. I'm not ready to dance the Danse Macabre on my own. So dance with me tonight, lead me through the steps right until the last note, just as we planned. But then we'll need to switch partners. I'll have to dance with the Reaper for a while. But one day, when you make it to that place beyond, I'll dance with you as much as you want. There's just one condition: You must live your life to the fullest. No cutting in line. I'll practice my dancing with the dead, and you are going to dance the waltz of life with Tsubaki and Watari and Nagi and all the amazing people you are yet to meet.
I've already arranged everything. I got my hands on pills that'll just put you to sleep. There's a prerecorded message that will be sent to 911 when it's too late to revive me, informing them of our conditions and location. I wrote a letter listing my suspicions about your mental state, to help the doctors who will treat you. You'll be taken care of.
Of course, I won't be able to stop you from attempting suicide again in the future. All I can do is ask that you won't. Hope that going through it once will be enough for you. That even without me, you'll find something to live for. Maybe that'll be the piano. Maybe something completely different. Maybe it'll be a person. You and Tsubaki would be good together. Obviously you'll need time, but when you're ready, don't feel like you'll have to stay true to me. As long as you keep on living, I'm happy. Any family you're going to have is welcome to join our dance.
Just think of me every now and then, alright? Give your heart to others, but let me have a tiny little corner in the attic to live in. Because the truth is...
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I just realized you haven't said that back to me yet. Maybe you will tonight. But even if you won't, don't feel bad. I know you do, you don't need to say it out loud. Sorry that I beat you up so much, and sorry that I couldn't play with all the gifts you gave me. I'm sorry I'll have to lie to you tonight.
Thank you.
Until we dance again,
Kaori
"Hey there Kaori. It's been a while," Kousei told the grey stone in front of him. It was covered with a thick layer of white snow. He hardly felt the cold.
"It's funny. Remember back in the hospital, before we started our plan, how I never knew what to say when I visited you? Now all the words flow easily, even though you can't respond. Maybe that's why, though. You can't talk anymore, so I have to talk for you, you dang loud extravert!" No response, except for some rustling in the nearby bushes. His smile dropped a little.
"It's been twenty years, and every single year I wonder if it's morbid and wrong that I visit on your death day. I suppose our entire plan on that day was morbid and wrong, and you always liked weird humor, so I like to think it makes you laugh. Plus I visit on other days too," he said apologetically. Snow covered the writing on the stone, but he knew every character by heart. He brushed the snow off anyway.
"Sorry I couldn't make it this Christmas, Tsubaki's parents insisted we visit. Complained again that they don't see their granddaughter enough. It was a nice Christmas. Haru played Jingle Bells constantly, it drove Tsubaki crazy. But get this: every time she played it, she played it a little differently! A different note, different speed, different pauses. It reminds me a lot of you. You taught me to play like that. And I guess I passed that on to her. I didn't realize until all those variations of Jingle Bells that I actually managed to teach her differently than my mom taught me. You know better than anyone how scared I was of raising my kid that way." he told Kaori, kneeling in front of the stone.
As he spoke he pulled out some pictures from Christmas and placed them on the stone. One depicted Haru playing the piano, her feet barely reaching the pedals. Another showed dinner with the grandparents, with Haru stuffing her face with chocolate cake. Tsubaki tried to look stern, but the corner of her mouth still showed a smile. While Kousei was usually a fairly strict parent with regards to food, he could never deny his little girl cake.
"Maybe it helps that she doesn't really want to be perfect at the piano. No intent to go pro at all. Instead she wants to be a soccer player! She wants to go to Europe, but that's to play for Manchester United, not the Vienna Philharmonic. That's her Uncle Watari for you, still charming girls better than I ever could. We'll see what comes of that, puberty will probably change her priorities a bit," he chuckled, showing a photo of him and Haru playing soccer.
"I was thinking of bringing her along next time. She's old enough now that I can tell her about you. Tsubaki is a great mother, and Watari is a fun uncle, but I can't help but think you'd have made an amazing aunt as well. Or even an amazing mom. When I teach Haru piano I often think of that time we went to the cafe, a few days after I first met you. Do you remember that? There were some girls playing the piano, and you said it was such a happy piano. I was too sour to care, but you went right over there to talk to those kids. You sang and played with every kid you met, it seemed. You'd have had so much fun with Haru." Another picture of Haru at the piano joined the grave.
"Tsubaki might not like her coming here, though. She doesn't hate you or anything like that. I guess she just thinks it's a little weird that I still think so much about my first girlfriend from twenty years ago. She understands, even if she doesn't always like it. But she'll probably have her doubts about involving our kid in this. I love Tsubaki, just as much as I loved you back then. I still love you, but it's different. Hard to explain. We'll have to see what our relationship status will be if we do end up in the Danse Macabre together," Kousei said, taking out his phone and checking if there was anyone else in the graveyard. When he saw it was empty, he pressed play.
Their rendition of Danse Macabre filled the air that had been quiet moments before.
"I know you told me I had to wait patiently before dancing with you again. And I am. The suicidal thoughts never really left, I still have them now and then, but the therapy helps, and I can't deny your last request now, can I? If I did, you'd beat me up the moment you saw me enter the afterlife. But I do want to remember our last duet, those strangely happy weeks even though we were working towards something so… fatal."
"Tsubaki can't stand this piece, whenever she hears it she starts crying. To her it's the song that played when she almost lost me. I don't blame her, and I never play it at home. But when I hear it, I remember the good things about you, and despite that being a day of death, something good happened too. Because you saved me. For a while I was angry about that. You know that, I yelled at your grave plenty. But now I'm glad," he said with a sad smile, putting his hand on the cold stone.
"You were right, there are so many wonderful people I got to meet, so many amazing things I got to do. I guess that for a while I just felt guilty that I was enjoying life when you couldn't. 'Survivor's Guilt', my therapist called it. It makes sense now that I know that's a thing, but I could never work it out on my own." The song was entering its last part.
"Thanks for always listening to me ramble. You were good at listening, even though I didn't say much back then. I'll visit again soon, okay? And hopefully I can bring Haru along. Tell her about the incredible Kaori Miyazono, the crazy violinist who made me a crazy pianist," he said, standing up again on aching knees.
As he picked up the pictures a warm wind blew through the graveyard, making snow drop from the trees. It made him smile.
"Another spring without you is coming. But it's also a spring with Tsubaki and Watari and Haru and Nagi and Emi and Hokori and all the other friends I made, so I'm happy. And… I hope that wherever you are, that gives you an extra spring in your step as you dance without a care in the world. Bye for now, Kaori. I love you," he said, brushing the last snowflakes off the gravestone before walking home.
