Tuesday, September 22, 1998

Hermione headed down to the Great Hall for breakfast. It had been another sleepless night but she found some relief in knowing that Malfoy would help her with the potion project. After they had spoken yesterday she had spent the rest of the evening in the library trying to pull together a proposal for Slughorn.

She was dreading updating Ginny with the news that she would not be partnering with her for the project. She knew Ginny would not understand why she would choose to work with Malfoy over her. Ginny was smart, but potions was not her strong suit. Hermione needed to make this potion happen, it was her last resort for a potential breakthrough with her parent's condition.

Hermione spotted Ginny at what used to be the Gryffindor table, though the flags above each table still resembled the Hogwarts crest. "Hey Gin!" Hermione tried to come off as casual as possible as she sat down beside her. Ginny stopped eating her porridge to glance over at Hermione.

"Welcome back to civilization" Ginny smiled at her.

"It hasn't been that long since I ate in the Great Hall." Hermione laughed.

"I disagree. I feel like I only see you in class anymore. I've been kind of worried about you." Ginny frowned. "But lucky for me, I get to force you to spend time with me more for Slughorn's potion project." Ginny teased.

"About that…. Please please don't be mad but I may have agreed to work with someone else as my partner on the project." Hermione could feel the anxiety brimming as she waited for Ginny's reaction.

"What? Who?! I thought you were mostly avoiding all the other students!" Ginny's eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"Uhm…..you're not going to like this, and I am seriously so sorry…..but…..Malfoy…. I know- I know- it sounds crazy but he did get an Outstanding in Potions before the war and you know how I've been spending all my time working on some way to recover my parent's memories…. I just think I need his skill level for this…." Hermione was nervously rambling on.

"Hermione Jean Granger…. Are you crazy? Do you really think he can help?" Ginny was looking at her like she had lost her mind.

Hermione nodded. "I do. You know I would love to work with you on this but I just don't think it's fair to you as this will likely take a lot of time outside of class and you have all your Head Girl duties and a social life, and well, you know Malfoy and I are both kind of outcasts here…"

"Hermione, you are outcasting yourself. Malfoy is an outcast, for obvious reasons. You are not. You are just choosing to avoid everyone and I don't understand."

"Okay, you're right….but I just don't have it in me to smile and pretend to be the golden-girl-war-herione for everyone. All these younger students treat me like some kind of celebrity and I really can't handle it. I don't mean to completely avoid everyone, I've honestly just been really busy with this research for my parents…" Hermione felt like she might cry. "It's just really stressful Gin, I want them back in my life. I feel like I can't start to move on from the war until I solve this."

Ginny's eyes softened and she hugged Hermione. "Look I'm sorry for giving you grief, I know it's been hard for you. I really do hope Malfoy is able to help you in some way… though I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. But let's have a pick-me-up night, we can invite Harry and Ron and we can get drinks in Hogsmeade! You need your friends."

"You're right… That sounds nice. Thank you Gin." Hermione squeezed Ginny back and swallowed the lump in her throat. "So how are Head Girl duties going?"

"Ugh Jackson is driving me a bit crazy but otherwise good. He can be a bit bossy so it's hard trying to divide up the workload. But I caught some naughty third-years playing spin the bottle in the Astronomy tour the other night! And it's only September!" Ginny giggled, rolling her eyes.

"I certainly don't envy you having to break that one up. It's funny how young they seem now. I felt so old at that age…" Hermione thought back to being in third year, juggling her work load and using the Time Turner to fit in all her classes.

"I know right? When did we get to be so old!" Ginny gushed. Just then Erol swooped down, dropping two letters on the table in front of Ginny and Hermione. "Oh these must be from Harry. I'll let him know to come with Ron this weekend for drinks in Hogsmeade. You'll definitely join, yeah?"

"Yes, I'll be there." Hermione's lips feigned a smile and she picked up her letter. "I'm going to finish my Arthmancy homework now though, I've been working non-stop on all this memory charms and potions's research and I'm super behind. Sorry again, and I hope you're able to find another partner before class tomorrow."

"Don't worry about it, Hermione. I'll see you later." Ginny waved.

Hermione felt a mixture of relief and annoyance. She was relieved that the conversation with Ginny had gone well. Ginny was too worried about her to give her grief about the situation with Malfoy. Hermione wasn't sure how she felt about that part. She didn't like others worrying about her - she was used to being the rock of the friend group. She supported Harry throughout the war searching for Horcruxes, and she had been the support system for Ron's emotional outbursts many times, too. And that's where the annoyance was stemming from - Ron. Of course Ginny would want to invite Ron out, too. Hermione had no reason to put up a fight about it, they were on good terms and they were still friends. But it felt like Ginny was too eager to push them back together. She still didn't feel fully ready to see Ron yet - it was like they were on pause. Neither of them could move on when they were both stuck on the war.

As Hermione exited the Great Hall, her eyes passed over the Slytherin table. No sign of Malfoy, though that was likely normal. Just as she had been avoiding the Great Hall for meals, she figured he was probably doing the same. It was worse for him than it was for her, she figured. But either way, they were both being judged for their actions in the war by their peers. Though the reactions she received were obviously preferable, she didn't like the attention or the assumptions of her character. None of these students knew exactly what she had been through or who she really was. None of these students could fully understand how it felt to be frozen; unable to move on and unable to reconcile with the consequences of their own actions. Not that she would change anything she chose to do. But it didn't stop the consequences from affecting her now.


Draco rolled out of bed with a splitting headache. The sun's rays were coming in through his window and blinding his eyes. He stumbled to his ensuite washroom as the nausea shook him to his core. He hadn't been this hungover in a while….He summoned his wand and cast a spell to check the time. 1:30 pm. He tried to remember what had made him so hungover. Though he usually drank Fireball before bed, he knew his limits and typically only used it to dull himself into sleep to avoid nightmares. But this was the kind of hangover you make a choice to endure at some point in the evening when you've decided you are not going to stop. Draco splashed cold water onto his face and looked in the mirror. His silver-blonde hair was sticking up in all directions and his face was frighteningly pale. His eyes flicked to disdain once it came back to him: Pansy. The fucking bitch had come by the Manor while he was there yesterday. He had gone by the Manor after looking over Granger's notes on the potion assignment to get some additional research materials from the Manor Library.

He was in the middle of dinner with his mother when the Malfoy house elf, Tiffy, announced Pansy's arrival.

Why Pansy had chosen to show up then and not earlier in the summer when he was released from Azkaban showed Draco her intentions. She must have heard that he was enrolled back in Hogwarts and had decided to come to win over his mother. She would have known that his mother would bring up how nice it was of Pansy to stop by to see her. She obviously knew that Draco was not willing to accept her back into his life which is why she hadn't approached him directly. Pansy was a master manipulator and knew the best way back into Draco's life was through the good graces of his mother.

Draco had no intentions of a relationship with Pansy again. Sure, she had stuck by his side in sixth year when he was at his breaking point trying to fix the vanishing cabinet. But it was only ever because she wanted the power he possessed. She wanted to be the perfect pure blood wife in Voldemort's inner circle. She had adored him and practically worshiped the ground he walked on because of his dark mark.

It was disgusting to him now. How easily devoted to him she was, and for the wrong reasons. There had been a time when they were real friends. But in sixth year she was nothing more than a clingy fuck buddy. He couldn't get rid of her and was resentful of her as time went on. The more he started to hate himself and what he had let himself become during Voldemort's rise to power, the more he hated her for wanting him. He was endlessly cruel to her too. Why the fuck did she keep coming back… must be the Malfoy fortune. Bile rose in his throat and he spit it into the sink. His mind tried to recall the interaction.

Pansy was obviously not expecting him when she walked into the dining room. "Hello Mrs. Malfoy!" She smiled obnoxiously sweetly until her eyes fell upon Draco with surprise and a flash of fear. "Draco…." She took a second to click into her pure-blood manners. "My apologies, I did not realize I was interrupting dinner." She curtsied.

"Pansy…. What a lovely surprise." Narcissa got up to kiss her on both cheeks as a welcome.

Draco sat there and just stared at her.

"Draco. Are you going to acknowledge our guest?" Narcissa eyed him suspiciously.

Draco cleared his throat and cast his eyes to the table, "Pansy."

"Please come sit down and join us Pansy. Tiffy, please get some food for our guest." Narcissa insisted.

Draco spent the rest of the meal throwing daggers with his eyes at Pansy across the table every so often and sipping more and more firewhisky as his mother and Pansy caught up. He tried to ignore their conversation but did catch that Pansy had started a job as a receptionist at a magical firm.

"Draco…. I heard you are back at Hogwarts, that's wonderful! How is it?" Pansy smiled at him slyly and it took everything in him not to pull out his wand and curse her asking such a stupid question.

Draco growled in response, "Sure, let's all partake in small talk and pretend like I didn't almost end up in Azkaban for life. Or that the last time I was at Hogwart's I wasn't doing the bidding of a deranged madman and you were fucking me for it.. Hogwarts is splendid, thanks for asking, I am of course lucky they've let me come back without handcuffs!" Draco's chair screeched against the marble floor like nails on a chalkboard as he abruptly got up. He saw Pansy wince.

"DRACO. That's enough." Narcissa clipped.

Pansy looked somewhat shocked, she obviously hadn't expected him to react that way in front of his mother. But he didn't give a fuck. It was so typical of her to waltz back in like nothing had happened, like they hadn't been on the wrong side of the war. As though Azkaban hadn't changed him. Even his mother, he knew, had changed as a result of Voldemort living in the Manor and his father being sentenced to life. She didn't seriously believe in any of the things Voldemort stood for anymore. But Pansy wouldn't understand. She had managed to move forward, untouched by everything. And she was going to move into this new world as though she hadn't glorified the horrors of Voldemort. The horrors Draco and Narcissa had to live with forever.

Draco stormed out of the room but could hear Pansy following him.

"Draco… Wait!" She huffed after him.

"Leave me the fuck alone, Pansy. When will you get it. I don't want you." He turned back towards her. "You're somehow even more pathetic than I am." He spat.

She looked at him with tears glistening in her eyes. He almost felt bad but he had seen her cry many times and knew better than to take it too seriously. He turned on his heels and headed for his bedroom.

He entered his bedroom and summoned a small bottle of Firewhisky. He drank the bottle back in 3 large gulps. He slumped down into his chair beside the door and started to shake. He summoned another bottle. He took another few gulps. He sat there until his body stopped shaking and his eyes blurred. His mother knocked on the door 30 minutes later but he didn't move. He sat there in stillness for quite a few hours until he decided he couldn't stand to be in the Manor any longer. Now that he hadn't been back in a few weeks it became obvious just how much this place took a toll on him. It was like the dark magic residue seeped into his veins and he lost all control. And he hated himself so much.

His mind snapped back to the present as he vomited again. He hadn't grabbed a hangover potion from the Manor, fuck.

He crawled back to bed hoping it would be a bit better in a few hours.

He woke the next morning to a note sliding under this door. He got out of bed and picked it up.

"Here is a copy of the proposal I have drafted for Slughorn. Let me know when you're available this week to start brewing it. We'll get time on Fridays to work on it in class but this may need some extra time for trial and error. If he doesn't approve it we can do a potion of your choice -H"

He checked the time: 7:45. What day was it again? Wednesday? Shit. Potions was in 15 minutes. He still felt like shit. He probably should have eaten something yesterday.

He used a scorgify to clean himself off quickly and change. He ran up the stairs to the common room. No sign of Granger, she must have already left. He looked over to the bistro tables and saw some pastries and coffee. He scarfed one down feeling far more alive and headed to the dungeons.

Being in the dungeons always felt like home to him. That was the one thing he missed about staying in the Slytherin common room. But it was obviously worth it to have his own space in their 8th year accommodations, even if it meant being higher up in the castle.

He got in right as class was starting and sat at the back. "Good Morning All. I want to go around and hear your group member and potion choices and then I'll collect your proposals. Miss Weasly can start us off." Slughorn insisted. Draco sighed, this meant it would be a dramatic reveal.

"Okay Professor. I'm working with Zacharias Smith. We chose a Blood Replenishing Potion."

"Okay, and your proposal paper please. On to the next, Miss Granger."

Draco held his breath.

"My partner is Draco Malfoy and we are working on a version of an antidote for a forgetfulness potion."

There were gasps. Quite a few students looked back to give Draco a dirty look. Slughorn had palled.

"And what by this do you mean?" Slughorn looked perplexed.

Draco couldn't tell if Slughorn meant regarding Granger choosing to work with him or about the potion. He waited for Granger's response.

"I've written it out in great detail in the proposal, Professor. It would include some properties of a memory potion meant to combat the adverse affects of memory charms. It's something we're hoping to create. Since we are both advanced levels I hoped you wouldn't have a problem with us experimenting a bit." Granger looked sheepish.

"Granger, can I speak with you after class? We will discuss this further. Onto you next Mr. Carter."

Draco swallowed. This wasn't looking to be good.

After class Draco decided to wait until Granger got out from speaking with Slughorn. He wanted to know exactly what happened regarding the project proposal.

Granger emerged from the classroom clearly pissed off, her cheeks flushed and brown eyes burning. She was fixing her bag and then she noticed Draco. "Oh. Hey, I didn't realize you were waiting." Granger sighed.

Draco nodded. "So? Did we get approved?" He inquired.

"Er yeah. Slughorn's a bit skeptical. About both aspects of the project but he gave us the go ahead." Granger smiled nervously.

"And one of those aspects is my involvement, I assume." Draco felt contempt. He wasn't surprised.

"Well yes. And I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to sound that way. Mostly just that it's not even an existing potion. I think he's concerned about our ability to collaborate for such a complex task." Hermione shrugged. "Since we, you know, never got along before." She looked into his eyes vulnerably.

"Granger, you don't need to apologize to me. I thought I made that clear." Draco was annoyed but felt in control. He sighed. "I'm available today or tomorrow to start the project. I picked up some additional books for research from the Manor."

Granger looked surprised and then got a far off look in her eyes. Shit. He realized just the name of the Manor was probably enough to trigger her memory of that particular day when she was tortured by his Aunt on his drawing room floor.

"If you're comfortable using those resources... I understand if you are not." Fuck why did he say that. Was he supposed to acknowledge that day? Weren't they trying to start over? Fucking Merlin.

Granger seemed to get pulled back to the present. Her warm brown eyes looked back over to him. She smirked. "As long as there are no blood purity bullshit restrictions on the books then I'm in. We'll need any resources we can get our hands on."

Draco did not know how to interact with this woman. How did she go from potentially traumatized to teasing in one second…. And somehow make it feel like the past was the past and they could make light of their choices. Like it wasn't his fault but a family error. Like he was worthy of any attention at all. He smirked and looked away.

"Nope. I already checked for that." He winked at her. "I can go get them now for you from my room. I haven't read much of them yet" He was going to try to play into this game of hers of not taking things so seriously. With their history it seemed like the only way they could approach this very odd situation.

They started walking back to the common room. "So…. How is your mother doing?" Granger asked.

Draco winced. So they were really trying for this normalcy thing. It's not like she really knew anything about his mother. But she was at their trials so why the hell not.

"She's fine. She's re-decorating the Manor." Draco responded. Once again he was struck with the image of Granger's blood on his floor and he instantly regretted everything he had said. He stopped walking. "Look, I don't know how to do this." He looked at her with terror in his eyes. "I—""

"Malfoy- it's fine. All we can do is try to work together. Don't worry about offending me and I'll try to do the same. We're never going to get anywhere if we keep walking on egg shells. We started over, remember?"

He nodded. They got to their common room door. "Educere" Granger spoke as she pushed open the door.

He felt like an idiot. He ran down to his room to grab the books and brought them up to her.

Draco handed them to Granger. She looked them over. "These are quite old. This one's by Merlin and it's a first edition. Are you sure you're okay with me using these?"

"Of course." He responded.

"Okay, great. These may have some information I haven't come across yet. Thanks Malfoy. Let's meet tomorrow at 1 to start with some basic ingredients and create a timeline."

"Sure."