Thursday, September 24 1998
Hermione woke up screaming. Her nightmare was one of those of a parallel universe. Starting with the moment in the final battle when they all thought Harry had died. In that moment her subconscious had realized the devastation of what losing meant for someone like her. And her dreams often haunted her with these outcomes. These types of nightmares had been experienced by Hermione during the last year hunting for horcruxes, when they didn't know if they could get them all in time. But it wasn't until that moment that she really thought Harry was dead that all those possibilities felt very real. It was not an easy thing to shake from your mind.
She was drenched in sweat. She would need to shower before doing anything. She summoned her wand and checked the time: 11:00 am. She headed to her ensuite washroom. She turned on the water and removed her pajamas with a flick of her wand. She sighed as she stepped into the shower, the hot water releasing the tension in her muscles.
This was the most sleep she had gotten in a while and the latest she had slept in. It made sense since she was up so late the last few nights trying to prep for the proposal and then last night reading through the materials Malfoy had provided.
There had been lots of good information in the books he had lent her. New information she hadn't seen in her previous memory charms research. Very old books with early magical properties mentioned in them, almost pure magic. Some of them were dark arts but they had some relevant information about retrieving memories in various ways. Some were painful but it gave her more information about methodology. She had been taking notes on them for at least 5 hours and then had spent another 2 hours summarizing some of the information yesterday evening.
She felt quite prepared to start trialing the potion today with Malfoy based on her proposed ingredients. Well, as prepared as she could be for the potion aspect of the project. She was still trying to figure out the Malfoy part. Every encounter she had with him confused her. He was obviously trying to change, and in a lot of ways he seemed foreign to her. But every so often he would come back at her with a classic Malfoy quip that gave her some semblance of relief. It was odd to her that she found it relieving, but so much had changed that it felt kind of nice to see the old him come through. She just hoped they would be able to work together without the past getting in the way.
Hermione got out of the shower and wandlessly summoned her towel. It was, at times, hard to interact with Malfoy without their past coming up. Like yesterday, when all he had to do was mention the Manor and she was close to a full blown panic attack. She was desperately trying to move forward from the war and she wondered if maybe with time it would get easier with him. Maybe if she could solve her parent's condition and become acquaintances, or even friends, with Malfoy - things in her life would feel tolerable. She was getting tired of the constant struggle of it all.
She looked in the mirror and dried her hair using her wand. Her reflection in the mirror was as haunting as ever. The purple bags under her eyes looked like bruises, and her cheeks were still quite hollow. She was skinny and still hadn't recovered to an ideal weight after a year on the run. It was hard to adjust to eating normal, regular meals, especially when she was so focused lately on the potions research. Her brown eyes looked dull and her hair had dried into a curly mess haloing her head. She sighed at her reflection, barely recognizing herself. I miss seeing the bright girl that always had her hand up in class. Professor Vector's words seemed to mock her reflection. She didn't feel like that person anymore and she certainly didn't look it.
Hermione went back to her room to get dressed quickly, trying to shake herself out of her melancholy. She had just enough time to go collect the potion ingredients from the storage room in the dungeon and get set up for the first potion trial with Malfoy. She headed down the stairs to the common room and grabbed a coffee and a pastry from the bistro table. The coffee was really the only thing keeping her running lately and she gulped it down on the way out of the common room.
Once she got to the Potions classroom, she stopped just short of the door when she realized there was a class in session. She was about to leave and come back when the door opened and a bunch of first years filed out. Whispers began as soon as they noticed her.
A young Gryffindor with blonde braids came up to her, eyes shining and asked, "You're Hermione Granger. Can I have your autograph?"
"Erm… Sorry, but I don't have a quill on me…. And I don't particularly think that's necessary…." Hermione stuttered in response, not expecting the first year to be so bold.
The blonde girl's eyes watered in disappointment. Hermione tried to swallow her pride and anxiety. Looking at the innocence in the girl made her remember that once, she was also young and eager and bold. A younger her would have also likely asked for such a thing.
"What's your name? Instead of an autograph, maybe we can have lunch?" Hermione was going out on a limb, but she realized she was closing herself off from the opportunities to learn from this young generation by avoiding the attention of her celebrity.
The first-year Gryffidor's eyes widened with shock. "My name is Clare Hartley. I'm a big fan of yours! I'm also a muggle-born and you've really inspired me as a new witch. I would love to have lunch with you!" She gushed.
Hermione's heart warmed. This young girl seemed to remind her of why she had fought so hard in the first place. Maybe this would be good for her.
"Well it is nice to meet you Clare. Are you free tomorrow? I can meet you in the Great Hall at lunch." Hermione smiled at her.
"I can't believe this! Yes yes! Thank you! See you tomorrow." The young girl was giddy as she waved goodbye.
Hermione smiled to herself. She actually smiled. It had been a while since she had felt so genuinely touched by an interaction. Sure, maybe she couldn't answer all the detailed questions of the war that an older student may want, but she could certainly meet with a young muggle-born witch and share some advice. This felt like her, not just the her that everyone expected now.
Hermione headed for the ingredients closet. She thought through her mental list and began collecting: jobberknoll feathers, stewed mandrake, galanthus nivalis….
After 30 minutes, she had grabbed a good amount of each ingredient and even a few potential extras. She also grabbed a cauldron and other supplies, figuring that it would make the most sense to brew the potion in the shared common room.
She headed back up to the common room to set up.
Draco waved his wand to check the time- 12:55pm. He sighed as he got up from the desk in his room and stretched. It was time to head upstairs to meet with Granger for the first session of their project. He had been working on Ancient Runes all morning and the time had flown by. He was kind of nervous if he was being honest with himself. He took a deep breath and focused his occlumency walls. He headed up the stairs to the common room.
Granger was setting up the cauldron and ingredients on the large table in the common room. She had books and papers scattered all the way down the table along with ingredients. She looked a bit disheveled but had a contented look on her face that she got when she was focused on a task. She really did light up with purpose in a way he had never seen on anyone else before. He couldn't help but stare at her.
She looked over at Draco and met his eyes with a blush. "Hey, perfect timing. I thought we could just brew the potion here since we have so much space and privacy. Plus I may need to monitor this one frequently." She smiled at him.
He nodded at her. "Makes sense, Granger. My only suggestion is that we put up some protective enchantments around the area so we don't have to smell the potion everywhere. I have a feeling this one won't smell particularly pleasant." He smirked at her.
She laughed. "Already ahead of you on that one. Good idea though."
He approached the table closer to examine everything. "So, did you get anything useful from the books? I didn't get much of a chance to read them so maybe I can look over them too if that helps."
"Yes, they were wonderful. Thank you. I've made lots of notes." She gestures to the stacks of parchment. Of course she was thorough, he couldn't help but smirk at the number of pages of parchment her notes consisted of. "But if you have time, I'm sure an extra set of eyes would help. There was a lot of methodology for memory extraction that was helpful in understanding the process of the magical components we may want to focus on."
"Great, I'll give them a read. So obviously this will be trial and error. Have you thought out which route you want to try first?" Draco inquired.
Granger nodded. "I'm thinking we'll start very simple with the most basic form of the antidote. Once we have it made, we can see about making it strong enough to work against a memory charm rather than just a forgetfulness potion. That's where we may have to start over if we decide to include properties of memory enhancement typical in a different potion."
"So the first trial should take a couple of weeks, I presume. How are you planning to actually test the usefulness of the potion once it's ready?" Draco inquired.
Granger responded, "I'm going to be the guinea pig. You'll have to give me the potion as an antidote first. Then we'll try using it against a memory charm. And then we'll go up in time lengths, as this needs to be able to restore events longer than 24 hours…"
"Granger! You want me to obliviate you? Did Slughorn approve that part of the project?" Draco demanded.
"Well he doesn't know that part of the project." Granger defended, " we're only going to tell him that we're making an antidote to a less powerful memory charm."
"I'm starting to realize now how you, Potter and Weasley we're always getting into trouble. What kind of mad idea is that? You do realize the risks right?"
"I do. But I need this to work and it's not ethical for me to test on anyone else." Granger responded grimly.
"Test on me then. Don't test on yourself." Draco spat angrily at Granger.
"I can't ask you to do that for me." Granger shook her head slowly at him.
"But you expect me to obliviate you? Potentially causing you brain damage if the reversal potion doesn't work and/or loss of memories." Draco was shocked. No wonder she's a Gryffindor, this was the complete opposite of self-preservation. What could be the reason for her to take such a risk? "Why?" Draco demanded.
Granger shifted and looked away. He could see tears slowly streaming down her face. He suddenly hoped he wasn't being too aggressive. He just hadn't expected the intensity of the project. Just when he was wondering whether to apologize, she responded.
"It's for my parents. I had to obliviate them and send them away during the war so they wouldn't be found and tortured because of me. I obliviated them to forget me. I knew they wouldn't leave me if I told them the truth." Granger's voice shook.
Draco was shocked but it all made sense now. With how exhausted she looked and the amount of hours spent on this project. He should have figured that the war would leave such a lasting mark on her too. He knew it had been hard on everyone, but he had deluded himself into thinking it must be better for the Golden Girl, her side had won after all. How naive it was of him to think she had made off better than he had.
"You made the right choice, Granger. I know they went looking for your parents." Draco responded bitterly. "I'll do everything in my power to help you get them back. It's the least I can do... But test on me- I don't have many memories worth remembering anyhow." He looked her in the eyes and his breath hitched at the intensity of her gaze back at him. She was silent for a moment.
"I never expected this you know - when I asked for your help. I didn't expect you to say yes" Granger looked away towards the window. She gave a bitter laugh, "I guess we really are more alike than we are different. We both know the pain that comes from the sacrifice of doing anything to protect our families."
Draco felt like he'd been plunged into cold water. He felt a shiver run down his spine. Her words echoed in his head in a way that was more true than anything he'd ever heard uttered about himself. She understood him in a way he never expected. He focused on the still lake out the window and refocused his occlumency walls.
"You're right… We'll make this happen." He promised her as he looked into her eyes with sincerity and composure. He took a deep breath. "With your brains and my good looks, we can conquer anything." He smirked at her, trying to lighten the mood.
Granger laughed and it sounded like music. Draco felt relief wash over him.
They spent the next two hours working in a comfortable silence with the occasional comment about the potion ingredients and technique. They cut up the ingredients ready to be added and followed the instructions for starting the potion.
Draco sprinkled the last ingredient into the cauldron and checked the notes. "Alright, all done for today's steps. So we leave it simmering for 48 hours and then stir counterclockwise and add a few more ingredients then."
Granger leaned over to look into the cauldron. "Yes, exactly. If you're busy, I can always do the next step and then we can meet again for the following step since it requires more complicated prep again." Granger smiled at him.
"Yeah, that works." He smirked back at her. "I'll still grab back those books and give them a look over."
"Sure, here you go. Thanks again for lending them to me."
"Don't mention it." Draco shrugged and accepted the stack of old books back from Granger. "See you later, then, Granger." He gave her a nod and headed down the stairs to his room.
He had been almost tempted to stay in the common room and study, since he had actually enjoyed the quiet company they had endured during the two hours of potion-making, but he didn't want to risk ruining a good thing. Two-hours of cooperation, no bickering and only half a break-down (each) was a new record for the two of them.
He wasn't sure how the rest of the project would go, but he felt like he understood Granger more now, and maybe she understood him a bit, too. Maybe they would even become friends, eventually. That seemed like hopeful thinking. Even if she was willing to work in silence regularly, it was comforting to not be so alone. It was also comforting not to be enemies with the Golden-Girl. Her ability to forgive was truly surprising.
Draco figured he would read through the materials from the Manor she had lent him. He wanted to be able to meet next time with some helpful notes on memory theory. So far, the entire project was on her shoulders and he knew she needed some of his expertise with Potions and dark magic.
5 hours later and Draco was going stir-crazy. He had spent most of his day sitting at the desk in his room and he hadn't eaten much. He figured he would go on a walk through the castle to the Kitchens and then maybe outside. He summoned his jacket and another philosophy book and headed out of his room.
It wasn't quite past curfew yet so there were some students in the hallways as he made his way down to the kitchens. The usual glares and whispers followed him around the castle. He was pretty much used to it by now, and sometimes it was actually better than being ignored. At least it kept things interesting.
He turned a corner to head to the Kitchens and collided with the Weasley girl.
"What the fuck, Malfoy! Watch where you are going!" She huffed as she got herself up off the floor. He could see her Head Girl badge shining on her shirt.
The look of distaste on her face irked him into responding more rudely than he probably should have, but it was second nature to him, "Watch yourself, Weasley. I'm minding my own damn business." He got up and peered down on her with annoyance.
"I'm Head Girl, you know. I wouldn't mess with me if I were you." Weasley challenged him.
"They only gave you Head Girl because I'm assuming Granger turned it down. Come off it-" He smirked at her.
She rolled her eyes at him. "You haven't changed, I - of course - knew it, but Hermione believes you have. If you dare betray her trust in you, just know that not only me, but all of us will come for you." She angrily spat the words at him. "Also as Head Girl, I'm sure it wouldn't take much for me to get you expelled. So don't cross any lines, Malfoy."
Fucking Weasley's. Why was there so damn many of them, and why were all of them insufferable?
"Point taken. You know, if I were you I would stop competing for 'Worst Weasley', especially since you're down one - the stakes are higher. Although Saint Potter's sidekick has been the winner for the last 6 years so you may be safe." He smirked at her.
She pulled out her wand and pointed it at Draco. "Don't you dare make a joke about Fred's death, you fucking ferret!" She hit him with a hex to the chest and he stumbled back.
She began to walk away, but yelled over her shoulder, "Stay away from Hermione."
He shouldn't have goated the Weaslette. But it was too hard to resist. And her expectations of him made him want to live up to them. He wasn't sure whether something like this would make Granger stop wanting anything to do with him. Probably- she was quite loyal. If that was the case, well then it was stupid of her to think that just because he no longer hated muggleborns and because he regretted his part in the war- that he was going to be all friendly to everyone on their side.
Fucking idiot. He couldn't have just left it alone and walked away. Well, it was nice well it lasted- back to being completely alone. He dug his hand into his jacket and was pleased to find his firewhisky bottle. He withdrew it and took a big chug.
Draco stopped by the Kitchens and grabbed a sandwich from the House Elves. He then headed outside to his spot beside the lake.
The sky was dark and cloudy, but he could make out a crescent moon. The lake was still but there was fog hovering above it, giving the illusion of the lake and the sky as one. It was a brisk evening for early fall. He lit a joint and blew out a puff of smoke, warm breath against cold air. He sat down against the tree.
He pulled out the muggle philosophy book, hoping to clear his head. He was on Nietzsche as per Granger's suggestion.
He really did wonder if she would ice him out. She did seem desperate for his help, which made it seem unlikely that this would do it. But those Gryffindor's could be proud when it came to their friendships and morals.
Only time would tell. And he was sure to screw it up at some point. He was trying to change, yes, but he knew he was still naturally an egotistical prat. He took another puff of his joint and opened the book.
