After a few weeks of rest and recovery, the captain was more or less back to normal. So was the crew, and the ship, and their mission.
But not everything.
Parvati could not just pretend everything was normal after she'd nearly lost Danika forever. She tried to focus on her work in the engine room; tried to talk and laugh with her crewmates over dinner as if nothing had happened, but she couldn't settle. She was restless, her thoughts full of blood on her hands and unsaid words on her lips.
She knew it was time to say something.
Her certainty did not stop her heart from pounding as she tentatively climbed the stairs to the captain's cabin one night after everyone had retired to their bunks. Her hands were clammy and cold, and she could barely breathe through the nervous tightness of her chest. She had never been more irritated to have an anxiety issue. Just once, she wished that her body would let her carry herself with confidence and spit out the words she wanted to say. But, apparently, that wasn't in the cards.
Her heart physically stuttered in her chest as she reached the doorway and laid eyes on the captain. The taller woman stood at her terminal, her back to Parvati. She'd discarded her padded coat for the night in favor of a loose dark shirt with the sleeves half-rolled. She stood with all her weight on her left foot, and the engineer wondered if her wound was still bothering her.
At the sight of her, Parvati almost lost her nerve. Was she really about to jump into a deep, emotional conversation that might change things between them forever? What if the captain didn't reciprocate? What if Parvati had been imagining things, all those times she thought Danika was acting tender or flirty? What if she was about to stick her foot so far in her mouth that she choked to death?
She supposed it might be a kinder end than dying of embarrassment.
She was still hovering in the doorway, debating whether to move forward or back, when the captain turned and noticed her.
"Parvati," she greeted, eyes brightening instantly, and Parvati felt her stomach flutter. "What are you doing here? Is everything okay?"
"I—" Parvati's voice came out as a croak. She cleared her throat and tried again: "I wanted to, um, talk to you. About something. If that's all right." She realized she was wringing her hands and stuffed them in her pockets.
"Anything," Danika promised. She eyed the engineer's position in the doorway. "Did you…want to come in?"
Parvati took a few stiff steps into the room, but didn't dare get too close to the captain. She felt like passing out. Somehow her hands had escaped her pockets and started fidgeting again.
"Captain," she burst out once she couldn't take Danika's questioning stare any longer, "I mean, Dani. I—I wanted to talk to you about something Felix said."
"Felix?" Danika echoed in bewilderment.
Oh, Parvati wanted to run from the room. Was she really going to do this?
She took a deep breath and plowed on. "He has it in his head that you, uh—that you're—well—" She screwed her eyes shut tight. "He thinks you have a crush on me and I haven't been able to get the notion out my head since he said it and I wanted to ask you direct, just to, you know, lay the matter to rest." She opened one eye a crack. "But he was just yanking my chain, wasn't he?"
For a long moment after her outburst, Danika didn't answer; only stood there in silence, her expression grim as death.
"Wasn't he?" Parvati repeated weakly. Hope and fear tangled in her chest.
Finally Captain Danika let out a heavy sigh and pushed her fingers through her dulled-gold hair. Parvati couldn't tell if it was more of a crap, I've been found out sigh or a crap, how do I let this girl down gently? sigh.
"Captain?" she tried one last time.
"Parvati, I'm sorry," Danika said, and Parvati's heart plummeted. But the captain went on: "I'll drop you back at Edgewater next we pass that way, if you want. Or even Groundbreaker. I—"
"Wait. Why would you do a thing like that?" Parvati wondered, dumbstruck. Were they having the same conversation?
Danika looked at her from beneath furrowed brows and Parvati recognized her expression: guilt. And suddenly she understood. Captain Danika was sweet on her. But she thought Parvati was the one who didn't reciprocate.
What a pair they made, huh?
"I don't want you to think I only keep you around because of that," the captain was saying morosely, "or that I intend to take advantage of you, or—"
"All due respect, Cap'n," Parvati broke in gently, heart accelerating for all new reasons, now, "I'm a grown woman. I'm fully capable of leaving if I thought such a thing were true."
Danika's gaze shot up to meet hers. Part of Parvati felt like wilting under the scrutiny, but she was too far now to turn back. She watched as the captain's expression morphed from ashamed to confused to tentatively hopeful.
"But…wait," the taller woman said, shaking her head as if at a loss. "What about Junlei?"
"I like Junlei a lot," Parvati admitted. "She's handsome and smart and wrote me poetry, and she's one of the sweetest people I've ever met." She stepped closer, drawing the captain's gaze again from where it had sunk to the floor. "But you, Dani…you're so much more than that. You saved my life. My town. You care so much, even if you try to act tough. You're fixing this whole galaxy, a little piece at a time." Nervousness began to catch up with her in the wake of her heartfelt words, and she rushed on, "and you're handsome and smart and sweet and I love your smile and your eyes and your—"
"Parvati," interrupted the captain softly. She was looking down at Parvati with that same warm, heavy look that had first made her begin to wonder, way back when, and Parvati wondered when she'd stepped so close.
"Hm?" she questioned, feeling like she was about to vibrate apart at the seams.
The captain bent her neck to look her right in the eyes. The hazel of her irises was steady and raw. "How do you feel about kissing?" she asked at a whisper.
Parvati's next breath shook as it entered her lungs. They'd talked about this before; how Parvati wasn't a fan of all the rigamarole everybody else seemed to love. The few kisses she'd shared with hopeful suitors were awkward and quick, and the thought of anything further made her skin crawl. Danika had seemed to understand; seemed to respect her preferences, even if they weren't exactly conventional.
Facing her now from inches away, feeling hot and cold and a million other things, Parvati considered the question. She couldn't stand the thought of sex. Never had, never would. She didn't understand why everybody was so anxious to talk about it all the time. And she absolutely loathed the ones who told her that she was just a late bloomer or hadn't met the right person yet.
But a kiss? With Captain Danika? That felt like a completely different animal. Maybe it was because she trusted the captain so deeply, or maybe it was because she'd spent so long crushing down her feelings that now they were all surging back up, but she didn't feel a hint of disgust at the thought. On the contrary, she felt a little stirring in her chest.
Parvati could admit that she didn't have enough experience to know exactly where her boundaries lay. She could also admit that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to figure things out here, now, with Captain Danika.
Her answer of, "I don't know, Captain," was still tentative and small. She didn't want to get the captain's hopes up only to disappoint her later. It wouldn't be the first time.
But Danika looked anything but disappointed. She held her hands out to Parvati and waited until the engineer slipped her own carefully into her grasp. Then she asked, low and soft, "Do you think you'd be willing to find out? You can say no."
Parvati swallowed hard. Nobody had asked her permission like that before. They'd always just leaned in first and gotten offended later. But Danika…Danika was different.
The stirring in her chest was more like an itching, now. Her gaze caught on the captain's lips, hovering so close, and she wondered. Then she realized there was no reason to wonder anymore when the chance to find out was right in front of her.
"Okay," she finally conceded breathlessly. "If—as long as it's you. And you won't be mad if I—if it's not everything you hoped."
"Don't worry, Parvati," the captain said in the gentlest tone the engineer had ever heard, and it marked the very first time those words had actually made her worry less.
Parvati felt remarkably steady, in fact, as the captain reached up and brushed the backs of her knuckles over her cheek like she was something precious. Her chest loosened rather than tightened when one finger curled beneath her chin and tilted her head up a fraction. She felt like leaning in instead of pulling away when Danika regarded her through those familiar heavy-lidded eyes.
She closed her eyes and felt electricity crawl through her veins as their lips finally met, tender and light.
Parvati didn't register moving her hands to Danika's waist, but somehow they ended up there, fingers curling into the fabric of her shirt. She tightened her grip instinctively as Danika released her lips, tilted her head, and kissed her again, ever so slightly deeper. The warm, wet contact made her shiver.
Needless to say, touching somebody else had never felt this way before. Apparently it made all the difference when Parvati wanted it, too.
Her fingers found their way to Danika's short gold hair as they kissed again and again, slower and deeper every time. She combed through the swept-back locks the way she hadn't known she'd wanted, and the captain sighed gently. The breeze of air on Parvati's lips set heat unfurling in her rib cage. She realized with terrifying suddenness what she was feeling.
Love.
I'm in love with my captain.
The thought hit her like a blow, and a slight, strangled noise escaped her throat.
Instantly Danika pulled back to look at her with concern. "What's wrong?" she asked, voice a little hoarse.
It took Parvati a moment to force her eyes to flutter open. "Nothing," she breathed, and wasn't even embarrassed to find that she sounded just as wrecked. "I…it's just never been like that before." Her face was flushing only now, after the fact. After she'd kissed her captain and found out that affection didn't have to be stilted and uncomfortable. After it had finally occurred to her that she was in way deeper than a crush.
She leaned in to hide her face against Danika's shoulder with a helpless little laugh. At least she didn't have to wonder anymore.
Danika reached up to rub her upper arms carefully. "Are you all right?"
"The best," Parvati said, giggling again. She was—wow, she was happy. "I just—I've got a lot to think about, I guess. I never thought—well." She straightened up to meet her captain's gaze; that familiar look making her gut flutter even now. "This isn't exactly how I pictured this conversation going. The one in my head had a whole lot more yelling and a whole lot less, um…" She bit her lip to suppress her bashful smile.
Danika, on the other hand, didn't even try to hold back her grin in all its crooked glory. "I know exactly what you mean," she said, and she sounded pretty happy, too.
…
