Over the next week as James grew accustomed to his new bones, he started the day with a pair of potions with breakfast that Harry told him would assist in helping heal his mind. That was followed by an hour or two of physio exercises and stretches with Harry out by the lake, then he was free to do whatever he wanted for the rest of the day.
Initially, he had wandered a little awkwardly around the perimeter of their little village. However, he soon got roped in with some children tending to a flock of goats in silly games. Probably realizing his ample free time, the kids took to dragging him over to play with them and also help tend to the flock most days.
There were some pregnant does that he was introduced to and he often secretly indulged them in some fruits and vegetable treats that he nicked from breakfast. One in particular that he had named Anna would often come up and lay beside him, and allowed James to run a careful hand over her flank.
Sometime throughout the day, Harry would track him down and get him to sit as he pulled out a container filled with a kind of ointment that seemed to glimmer. He called it "Star Grass Salve" that was apparently meant to help heal and soothe injuries. Together, they would smear it over the various scars and injuries on his body.
He wasn't sure how it was supposed to help since many of these injuries were decades old, but he started noticing much of the scarring start to lighten and fade as the days flew by. Even the deep angry spider-web of scars crawling outward from his left shoulder stump began to look less raw and painful.
A little over a week later, Harry set down his two daily potions next to his breakfast and smiled, "ready to get started on our mind healing sessions?"
James sat on a chair in his home, Harry across from him, their knees almost touching. He breathed in deeply to calm the jitteriness in his limbs as Harry walked him through what they were doing again.
"Before anything, I'm going to take a look at your mindscape; to see what we're dealing with. I can bring you into it directly, which may feel a bit odd but will be helpful for you. If you prefer not to, or need to leave or stop at any time, feel free to say so."
"Because everyone's mindscape is different, getting a first look at it will help me figure out what are the greatest areas of concern and what approach I should take to… essentially "clean up" the space, if you will." Harry smiled encouragingly at James.
"Ye— yeah," James cleared his throat, rubbing his hand on his leg anxiously. "What will it… feel like?"
"It's not painful, don't worry," Harry reassured. "It will feel a bit like you're dreaming, appearing in a place you may have never been before. But you will be conscious, and while you may not be able to break out of it yourself, you can speak to me in there, or move your body out here if you want to leave." Harry reached over and took James' left hand in his own, laying them on their knees.
James squeezed Harry's hand, a little embarrassed that he couldn't completely stop the slight trembling in his body. He looked up when Harry squeezed back, calming a little at Harry's open and relaxed expression. "Okay," he exhaled loudly. "Okay, I can—I'm ready."
"Deep breaths," Harry instructed. "Three… two… one… legilimens."
Harry appeared in what looked like a tiny apartment. He glanced around and turned slowly, taking it in. It wasn't as chaotic as the worst-case scenario he had imagined, but there were definitely obvious signs of damage and most alarming of all were what seemed like large metal grappling hooks embedded deeply into random sections of the room.
There was a door, to one side, and Harry walked over and carefully opened it to reveal another room. This one looked bare-boned, not at all like a normal room in an apartment. Rather, it resembled something like an interrogation room or military conference rooms. There were tables lining the walls, with papers and maps of all kinds scattered about. Mounted on one wall, a large board that seemed like it was meant to be for displaying weapons, but said weapons were haphazardly hung with no order and some lay discarded on the floor.
Turning around and heading back to the first room, Harry closed his eyes and focused on summoning James' consciousness into being. With a slight distortion, James' form came into view.
James felt a little like he was sleeping, or underwater. He knew he was awake, but his mind felt a little fuzzy. After a few short moments, he felt his consciousness being pulled as if waking up, and in an instant, he was blinking as he found himself in a room.
Turning, he saw Harry beside him, greeting "welcome." He turned again and looked at where he was… his 'mindscape'. James' eyes widened as he recognized where he was. "This… this was my apartment," he said slowly in awe, "before the War". He carefully walked around, running his hands over the familiar bookcase and armchair.
"Makes sense," Harry nodded. "Some people's mindscapes take the shape of a familiar place they associate as home or comforting. Others' just a random place that matches their personality or mind."
Craning his head to take it in, James felt oddly… dismayed at the disarray and damage in the room. Books were torn apart and strewn over the floor, some things were missing or damaged, and there were these huge, menacing metal hook-like things embedded deeply into random sections of the room. They were linked together with strong-looking metal chains, and each of them linked back to a door that was left slightly ajar.
James carefully approached and reached out hesitantly, touching the metal of one chain just barely. He hissed and pulled back immediately when a sharp pain tugged at his mind. Harry was beside him in an instant, hand on his shoulder. "What the—what is this?"
"I have a suspicion," Harry sighed heavily. "Come, take a look at the other room first then we'll talk." He steered James over to the door, pushing it open again to the bleak, dark room once more. He heard James suck in a sharp breath, freezing just inside the door.
"This is…" his voice broke, and he was clenching his right hand so tightly that his entire body was shaking from the tension. "The soldier? How—Why is this…" He turned to Harry, "this is what HYDRA put in me?"
Smiling sadly, Harry gently shook his head. "Yes and no. Do you want to go in?"
Immediately, James was shaking his head. He didn't even want to turn back and look at the room, the thought of it making him nauseous. Like a coward, he fled back out the door without even waiting for Harry to finish.
But the other man was right behind him, and when James glanced over, Harry nodded and said, "let's talk outside." With a weightless feeling like slipping out of water, James blinked and suddenly they were back in Wakanda.
Harry conjured a glass of water and passed it over to James who took it gratefully and gulped it down. The man was still shaking, almost shivering, and Harry lightly waved his wand and cast a weak warming charm. James blinked up at him in surprise when warmth spread over his entire body, and he let out a shaky breath as he felt himself start to relax again.
"Do you feel up to hearing my observations on your mindscape?" asked Harry. "Don't feel like you have to push yourself. We can take a break if you need it."
Breathing deeply, James shook his head, "no, no… I think—I'm fine. Please," he nodded at Harry. He belatedly remembered their clasped hands when Harry squeezed it reassuringly and smiled in return.
"First, as you will have noticed, the rooms being in chaotic disarray is a common sign of a conflicted mind. In your case, it may also be exacerbated by your spotty memory. Given your mindscape is modeled after a place you are familiar with, you may have realized some things missing or damaged in certain places; particularly things like books. This likely represents the forced memory loss and damage to your neuro links.
"As for the large metal… hooks," Harry's expression turned distasteful, surprising James who had only ever seen Harry relatively calm and reassuring. "From what I read of your file; I suspect those must be the 'trigger words' HYDRA had implanted as part of your… conditioning."
James didn't know whether to sob at the words or laugh at the sour expression on Harry's face. He guessed his own face was probably a half-assed mix of both as Harry's icy look cleared into confusion when he turned back to James. "Can they…"
"They can definitely be removed," Harry said with such finality that James couldn't help the relief that flooded through him. "There was something I noticed that is a little… unexpected."
Frowning, "what is it?" James asked warily. He watched as Harry put a hand into the small drawstring pouch he always had tied through one of his belt hoops. The opening stretched impossibly wide, as did James' eyes, when he pulled a notebook through. James froze, recognizing that red star.
Harry casually opened the book to where it had been marked, "as far as I was told by Shuri and your files, your… 'programming' as the Winter Soldier is tied to a series of ten trigger words." He looked up to see James white as a sheet and Harry wasn't sure he was even breathing.
Reaching over, Harry grasped his hand, ignoring the violent flinch, and slid the closed book into the other man's grasp. "They're just words, James," he spoke slowly. "Nobody can control you with them, not while I'm with you, and certainly not when I'm done with you." James' eyes flitted upwards and Harry held his gaze confidently, until he heard James release a shaky breath and turn his attention to the faded red book.
"…What did you see that was unexpected?" He rasped quietly as he opened the book haphazardly with only one hand. There was silence for a moment, and James looked up quizzically at Harry.
"The chain of words you are familiar with are not the only set of triggers rooted in your mind."
"…What?" James whispered in shock, hand gripping the book so hard its shape begun to warp. Harry reached over and plucked the book from him carefully.
"I had a closer look at them while you were exploring, and it seems that there are likely three different sets of triggers. The ones you noticed likely make up the ten words you are familiar with. There is another – I believe a set of five words – a little more hidden and ingrained in the nooks and crannies. And I missed it the first time, but I noticed one overlayed into the entire second room. It wasn't a hook, but rather like some sort of lining in the foundation itself that threatens to bring the entire structure down."
Three… three sets of triggers, James thought. Guess the bastards didn't think it was enough to make him compliant, he should've realize they would put in some sort of fail safe… That last one sounded the worst. What did it mean? Did they somehow put something in there that could make him… kill himself? Self-destruct? He shuddered and felt nauseous again, bringing his arm up to grip at his hair in desperation. He tensed when suddenly he felt warm fingers curling around his own, coaxing him out of his death grip.
"There's good news too," Harry spoke softly. "You remember the other room?"
James nodded weakly, a bitter taste in his mouth. He couldn't see how that was good news. That room was clearly a representation of the weapon HYDRA had made him into. Even the interior was a mocking amalgamation of the various HYDRA labs he fuzzily recalled and the allies meeting rooms he and Steve often found themselves in during the war.
"You probably didn't notice, but while you were there, the door between the rooms was always slightly ajar. It was closed when I first took a look alone. This is a good sign, James," Harry patted the man on the shoulder. "A clear separation of rooms can represent a whole range of things including split or multiple personality issues, even bipolar disorders. However, the fact that the door is never completely shut with you there means that what you deem to be the 'soldier' is not some separate entity."
"With time and the treatments, we'll get a better grasp of what exactly this means for you, but remember what I said. You are neither 'Sergeant Barnes' nor the 'Winter Soldier', but you have the capacity to 'unlock' or tap into either personality. I'm optimistic that by the time I'm through with you, you'll be a stronger, better version of yourself that can take the best of each of your phases and turn them to your advantage."
James wasn't convinced, but looking at Harry's earnest, steadfast gaze, he couldn't help the tiny flicker of hope that bloomed in his chest. He reached out and grasped Harry's hand, resolutely holding the other's look. "I'll look forward to it, doc." He felt the warm hope blossom and spread as Harry's face crinkled in a smile and a chuckle escaped the other.
James didn't know what he was in for, but he could say in full surety that Harry had earned his trust and confidence by now. If the man thought he could be fixed, that he could be better, then by God would James do whatever it takes to make it happen.
In case you're curious, the two potions James has daily with his breakfast now is Baruffio's Brain Elixir and the Memory Potion. They both help boost brain cognition and enhance memory. We'll talk about why this is helpful probably next chapter.
Also on an unrelated note, When I was writing the "door ajar" part idk why the heck it suddenly reminded me of Teen Wolf's "when is a door not a door" riddle lmao.
As you probably can tell, I'm slowing down quite a bit now. Mostly have some work things to settle but also just running out of steam a little. I'd appreciate if you leave a review / comment as you read as they often give me a little pump in motivation to write hahaha. I used to have a thing when I was younger where I counted the number of sentences in reviews as a basis to the number of sentences I had to write; sort of like a deadline / word count thing to make me write lmao. I don't do that anymore but I was kinda reminded of it awhile back.
