A/N: I've only written a couple of stories before but never for scandal. I started rewatching the show last year and last week I got to 214 and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. This story comes from watching Olivia's pain in 213-215 and it's my attempt to understand better what she was feeling in those months after Fitz found out about Defiance. Any mistakes are my own. English isn't my first language so I hope you can understand any errors. Comments are deeply appreciated.
With the feel of the hot water against her skin she soared in the water. Her movements are fast and swift. She can feel her arms and legs starting to burn, but she ignores it. It had been years since she'd lost the habit of swimming, getting in the water had always had a special way of clearing her mind. The fire and throbbing in her limbs, her body demanding some rest right now none of it matters, she knows if she stops the heaviness of her thoughts and feelings would be crushing.
Not even the water surrounding her while she quickly completes her rounds is able to calm her. Memories of him keep running through her head and she struggles to find some peace by exhaustion, releasing everything she has in the water, as if she could flip a switch that would stop her mind from going to the same place it has been for the last ten months.
She releases some of her breath underwater and relives the taste of whiskey on his tongue in that closet, how she barely had room to respond as he explored her mouth. Olivia ached for him so, nothing else mattered at that moment. His aggressiveness left her sore for days, being able to still feel him close to her somehow, a small reprieve.
She picks up her pace. Anything to avoid the memory of her hand running through his hair, his tongue sucking on her ear lobe, his teeth sinking on her shoulder to hold back a scream, the feeling of him inside her, filling her up, their hands intertwining, even if for just a moment. The only choice she had was to allow him to use her, feel her body, maybe this way he'd see her once again for all she is, her limitless love. A first step towards forgiveness perhaps.
It doesn't mean anything to him so why can't she let it go. Why every second she has to breathe does he have to be on her mind, he doesn't love her anymore so what's the point. It would be so much easier if she could hate him, for all the lies he's told, for pretending what they had was ever real and they could someday have a future together.
Olivia begrudgingly stops swimming. Her body is about to give up on her. Still, she's thankful for the hour she spent here. These days, although she cannot quite stop the thought of him overwhelming her, at least when she swims her body's energyzed and for a little while she can pretend her life isn't a day to day effort to numb herself as to avoid the devastation of losing the only man she's ever loved.
It's 6 a.m. After losing sleep hours before, Olivia finally gathers the strength to get up. Her movements are slow as she prepares her bag to go to the pool. Although she isn't there yet, she's already moving as if through water. The anticipation to be in the water consumes her, however she's learned what happens if she doesn't take her time. When she leaves her shower, before leaving for work, sitting down is essential, the same happens when she gets home at the end of the day. A meticulous routine is what grounds her, in these last months it's what has allowed her to keep from breaking and to master how, for the most part, to hold back the tears before they fall.
Relief floods her as her body sinks down on the water. She doesn't start swimming immediately, enjoying the feeling of the water around her. Her peacefulness doesn't last for long. It's as if her mind doesn't care for the pain in her soul. In the midst of holding her breath underwater she recalls Fitz's words to her. At the time she was trying so hard to push him away only to have to face his scream and his furious admission of love for her.
"You own me! You control me. I belong to you. You think I don't want to be a better man? You think that I don't want to dedicate myself to my marriage? You don't think I want to be honorable, to be the man that you voted for? I love you. I'm in love with you. You're the love of my life. My every feeling is controlled by the look on your face. I can't breathe without you. I can't sleep without you. I wait for you. I watch for you. I exist for you."
Those days were long gone. She starts swimming.
He hates her. Every memory he has of her has been tainted by Defiance.
He wanted so badly to be president she could never deny him that. Still, not even in her worst moments she thought he would be able to stop loving her like the flip of a switch. Just like that, one mistake and he has allowed his love for her to fade. She always wondered if he meant every word he said, every touch.
Now the memory of his love haunts her. She would never feel his loving gaze again nor his eyes burning with desire. They would never make love again. Are they only allowed messy and angry fucks now? Or was that closet the last time she would ever feel his tongue ravishing her or his cock moving inside her.
When they were together she often felt worshiped. During work they were in sync, he listened to her so carefully, his admiration and awe of her were always so clear. She missed the way he looked at her, the love in his eyes, the sound of his laughter, even in public he refused to hide his adoration, how delighted he was to be in her presence. In the few moments they were allowed some resemblance of freedom to be together she felt like she could burst with joy. Now she questions his honesty and his caresses, it doesn't matter that at the time it felt like their souls were intrinsically connected. He didn't feel it the same way she did, what he felt for her didn't transform his entire being like it did for her.
Olivia forces herself to breathe and swim. What else could she do? The one time she decides to take a leap of faith and try to be with him, he belittles and leaves her as if she had been nothing more than a whore. Her muscles burn and so does her heart. I hate him, she thinks to herself. I hate him. She repeats again and again, attempting to shut down any other thought.
She moves through the water and she despises herself, what was she thinking… Painful, difficult, devastating, love. They had nothing. Only empty promises and lies, she sees that now. She had been so foolish to trust he'd be there to catch her when she jumped. If one mistake is enough to make him leave, to destroy his love for her then he never actually saw her. So she does what she can, maybe eventually she'll exorcize him from her mind and heart.
For now she can only swim.
