ONE

Dear Diary,

How dare my mom come into my place of work and accuse my dad of being abusive! She had no right to come and share her personal life with my colleagues in a place where I have worked so hard to earn my credibility as a woman. And, not only that, but to spread actual lies about my dad like that. There's something seriously wrong with her if she thinks he was abusive. He cared so much about us that he pushed us all to be the best we can. I would never have got to where I am now without him. And forget about the Olympics. I'd have quit track after high school and would have become a nobody if it wasn't for him. Sure, I did the training and I had the skill but he gave me the work ethic to get stuff done.

And now what? My mom is trying to break up our family because her feelings are hurt? No. I won't stand for it.

What's even worse is that now she's managed to get Carina on her side with all her lies. She's convinced I'm in denial but I'm not. Talk about projection! Just because she's had some big personal revelation about how hard it was to grow up looking after her dad it doesn't mean I have to go through the same thing. We are completely different people with completely different experiences. And our fathers are completely different too. Her dad was sick and couldn't look after himself. Mine just tried to help me. They have nothing in common.

I'm glad I slept with Jack. Sure, I know it was a dick move to throw it in Carina's face but can you really blame me? Being with Jack made me feel good and, besides, the sex was great. It always was with him. It's great with Carina too – amazing in fact. But I just can't be near her right now when all she wants to do is talk about feelings and the past and try and get in my head to convince me that my mom is right.

Screw this. I need a strong drink and my bed.

Maya

TWO

Dear Diary,

I hate the person who wrote that last entry. How could I be so blind? And so cruel? I was awful to my mom and Carina. And Jack. I used him for sex and hurt both him and Carina in the process. What kind of a person does that?

My dad showed his true colours today in front of everyone. And he wasn't just verbally hurtful, he actually attacked me. He pulled my hair and showed all my colleagues how much of a monster he could be.

What's even worse, at least to me, is that now everyone knows. They are all looking at me with pity. Who wants that? My whole life I've worked so hard to hide any sign of weakness, especially at work. I knew I had to work twice as hard to be taken seriously because I am a woman. And now that's all gone up in smoke. They see me as some pathetic victim who can't stand up to her daddy. But that's not me. I am stronger than that.

I suppose that's a big part of why I cut my hair. I had to take back some control and I wanted to separate myself from the woman they all saw me as after today. Plus, it was clearly a vulnerability to have my hair so easy to grab hold of. If I keep it short no one can do that to me again.

I owe Carina an apology. She saw what he was like when I couldn't and she was only trying to help me. I can't believe how I treated her. I'm just like my dad. I have to go and find her and plead with her to give me another chance. The last thing I want is to drive away the best person in my life.

I need to go and find her. Wish me luck.

Maya

THREE

Dear Diary,

It's been two weeks since the incident with my dad and, honestly, they've been two of the most draining weeks of my life. Every day I wake up and I have no idea how I'm going to feel. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I'm scared, and sometimes I'm just numb. It's an emotional rollercoaster and it's exhausting. I really hope one day soon I start to feel normal again because I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. It either feels like all these emotions are going to explode out of me or I become so disconnected from it all that I can't feel anything.

I still have to talk myself around to believing what my dad did was wrong every other day. I don't know that I can call what he did abuse. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. I mean, surely I'd have known if it was, right? We have training on how to recognise the signs of abuse at work and it doesn't tick any of those boxes. It wasn't like he laid a hand on me. He wasn't really hurtful with his words, just encouraging me to be the best I could. It's like I have all these doubts in my mind and to call it abuse would feel like it was belittling what people who were actually abused have gone through.

I know Carina would disagree with me though. She's always been certain it was abuse from the first time she spoke to my mom at the station. She keeps telling me that the way he spoke to us wasn't normal or caring. It was cruel. She says a parent's love, or any love for that matter, should not be contingent on success as my father's love was. I can see her point and I know now that maybe he wasn't the best dad. But to go so far as to calling it abuse? I'm still not sure.

But then maybe I'm wrong. Maybe all these feelings I have are telling me something. That's what Diane always tell us. Feelings are our mind and body's ways of communicating with us. We feel fear because we are in danger. We feel anger when someone wrongs us. When I look back over the last few weeks, I can definitely see I have a lot of anger. Why would I be feeling like that if there wasn't something wrong?

Normally I would bury my feelings. I don't like anything getting in the way of me doing my job or living my life. Carina is trying to get me to stop that and talk about what I'm feeling. I do my best but it's hard. She is so supportive. Almost too supportive. I don't deserve that after how awful I was to her. I'm getting some of the feelings out by writing about them. I've always found that more helpful than talking to someone because that way the only person whose time I'm taking up is my own. I don't have to feel guilty for putting it all on someone else. Carina would be there if I wanted to talk, I know that, I just don't know if I can let go of the control I have right now and rely on her to put me back together.

My emotions feel like they are bubbling up to explode but I can't let them out because I'm terrified of what would happen if I do.

I can't go there right now. I'm going for a run.

Maya

FOUR

Dear Diary,

Wow it's been a long time since I wrote in here! I've been reading back over my last few entries from last year and can't believe how much has changed. I did start talking to Carina more and it actually went a lot better than I thought it could. I even had a couple of sessions with Diane which helped me get to a point where I actually can see what my dad did was abusive. In some ways, I'm in a much better place than I was back then.

But then something happens and I feel like I'm being pulled right back to that place again. Today Beckett made us run laps of the station until someone confessed to reporting him for drinking on the job. It brought me right back to how my dad used to train me. All those feelings I thought I had dealt with and processed just hit me like a wave and knocked me off my feet. It's like a big part of me wanted to revert back to that teenage girl fighting for her dad's approval. But then there's this other part of me wanting to scream and shout and tell Beckett that what he did was wrong and that we didn't deserve to be treated like that. The anger is coming back in full force. Normally I would be able to ask Carina for help and talk it through with her – like I said, I've come a long way! But with everything that happened today I know I can't lean on her right now.

Andy. Oh my God, Andy! What she went through today – I can't even imagine! And after all we did to save that bastard he went and died on us anyway. What kind of a world do we live in where someone as good as Andy gets put in such an awful position?

And Carina. She was so strong but I know how hard these situations are for her. I have to be strong for her now, I can't let my own stuff get in the way. It was in the past. It's been dealt with. What Carina and Andy are going through right now has to take priority.

I have to go. I've got to be there for them.

Maya

FIVE

Dear Diary,

Two entries in one day. This really isn't like me.

So, I spoke to Carina. After everyone fell asleep at the station we snuck away to have some quiet time. I wanted to check in on her and it turns out she wanted to check in on me too. I know the rest of 19 could probably have figured out why I was having an off-day, on top of the obvious. But they don't know Carina's history and I wasn't about to put her in a position where she had to explain herself to them.

It turns out, I was wrong. No surprise there. I don't know if I'll ever get any better at this stuff but I'm trying. One of the things I love most about Carina is how she can be there for me and allow me to be there for her at the same time. We can support each other and no one's needs are more important than the other's. No one's pain takes priority. It's not measured on a yard stick and the person who wins gets to be upset while the other has to bury their feelings.

She spoke to Jack, of all people, when I couldn't be there for her earlier. I'm glad she had someone to open up to. He must have said something pretty good to give her the courage to go back into that room and perform the exam on Andy.

Once we were alone we talked and we cried and we hugged. It didn't take the pain away but it definitely helped. I don't know what I would do without her. I hope she feels the same. Actually, I know she does because she tells me all the time. I can't believe how I got so lucky.

Maya