Kushina wakes up gradually. Consciousness returns to her in bits and spurts.
She sleeps with blood in her teeth and fury in her eyes and a curse on her lips. She wakes to bright blue eyes and hair as red as her own and small hands twined in her own.
Kushina clings to that boy with his red hair and blue eyes and the what if's that will never come to pass. She remembers her mother, her first one, and her people. She remember the waves and sea and whirlpools and endless sky. She remembers the forest and the leaves and the promises spoke with the conviction of a child. She remembers soft words from a red haired woman and a creature of wrath and hatred. She remembers I love you and I didn't want to lose you and your hair is beautiful.
She has to protect Enji, protect that sweet little boy who thinks he has to protect her, because if she doesn't no one will. He is precious and he is new and she can't lose him, too. Not when she turns for her blackhairredeyessosweet or her blondeblueeyesiloveyou and finds them -gone- missing.
When she's four, she burns with blood red fire and gold chains tumble around her and she cries because she's lost so much (what has she lost what is she missing what is it) but she still has this and she has Enji, who stands so proud with his fire flickering around him.
(For a moment, Enji's red hair is black and his blue eyes are black and he's a she and she is so, so familiar then Enji is back and Kushina doesn't know if she's crying for her brother or that black-haired womangirlshinobikunoichi)
When she's seven, she wakes from a nightmare of fire and rage and anger and hatred and betrayal and the name Makoto a silent gasp on her lips. And it's not blondeblueeyesiloveyou or redhairredeyesoldlonelysweet or smallblondehersprotecthim that she remembers first but it's blackhairredeyessosweet, it's Uchiha Makoto, it's her teammate, her best friend.
She cries because she remembers Makoto and she lost Makoto and she think maybe it would be better if she didn't remember but she can't forget because then she'd lose her (all of them) again.
She remembers quickly, so quickly (too quickly, it hurts, make it stop), after that. She remembers Minato and Jiraiya and Tsunade and Orochimaru and Sarutobi-sama and her hopes and dreams and she remembers Naruto, just born but already hers in every way (already an orphan, she abandoned him, she need to go back).
She remembers all the good and all the bad and she mourns because all of it had been hers but now it's gone and she can't get it back.
(She still has blood-red fire and golden chains and Enji, Enji who she loves so much and so desperately that she thinks that if she lost him she would lose herself)
She looks at this world and thinks my home was scarier than you. She looks at these villains and thinks my friends were scarier than you. She looks at Enji and thinks my family was so much stronger than you.
She thinks all of this and she knows that it's not a good thing. It's not a good thing she had been trained since she could walk to fight (killseducebetraymanipulate) (-protect-).
She lets go.
She remembers in every step and heartbeat and breath but she lets go. Uzushio isn't hers. Konoha isn't hers. Makoto, Minato, Naruto, the sannin... they aren't hers.
(Always hers, only hers, but only in memories and wishes and dreams that are always just out of reach)
She learns to love again (she never forgot) because now Enji is hers. Rei is hers. Her parents, new but always there, are hers. She laughs and she cries and she mourns but she does it with them.
She sees brown hair and brown eyes and thinks of a child soldier with a senbon held delicately in his mouth. She sees her betrothed and thinks I can't love you. So she doesn't. She refuses.
(She refuses and finds blonde hair and blue eyes she refuses and finds black on black she refuses and finds home)
She finds angry blue eyes framed by red hair and surrounded by the smell of burning flesh and thinks of a man with a scalpel and a syringe and anger in his heart and a child taken apart and put back together in the name of science and power.
She rages. She cries and screams and hates because this wasn't supposed to be like before, when people killed and abused and hurt innocent children in the name of power.
She finds her purpose again, steadies her feet, and turns to her brother with anger and rage and hatred (she doesn't hate him, could never hate him but she tries. She tries for a small boy who flinches at too fast movements and at her red hair and at Minato's blue eyes and who has nightmares and who only knows how to fight and who feels like he has to hide who he is).
She takes her stand. She stands with friends and family and former enemies and she looks at this world and says be better.
Be so much better because you can.
