Welcome to my first fic!

This is just a one shot, set 12 months after Jo and Ellen died.

I have got some other one shots and multi chapter fics in the work, so make sure to keep an eye out.


It's been a whole year since Jo and Ellen died, a whole 12 months has gone past without them here and it's been the worst 12 months of my life. Being a hunter you deal with death a lot but the deaths of Jo and Ellen are something I can't ever get over, I can't ever right that wrong. It was my fault they were dead, I never should've let them call with us, especially Jo.

She never should've been out there to fight the devil. She wasn't trained enough, she was strong and could hold her own but she was a new hunter. She had only worked a few cases and she wasn't ready. Ellen should've put her foot down and told Jo that she wasn't going. I should've locked Jo up in that damn bunker in Bobby's basement and kept her there until it was done.

No amount of Whiskey was going to heal this pain. I've already had half a bottle and I don't feel any better or less guilty or less shit about it. I thought alcohol is supposed to numb pain? Isn't that what alcoholics tell people when they get asked why they drink? They've suffered some kind of pain and the drink dulls it, why isn't that helping me?

I poured another drink, Sam sighed and shook his head softly as he watched me, and I ignored him as took another swig. I don't care what Sam thinks of me right now. He can think whatever he wants right now because I don't actually care about anything but Jo and Ellen right now.

"You can't climb into the bottle forever" Sam commented.

"Screw you Sammy" I replied and took a swig.

"Jo and Ellen wouldn't have wanted this Dean, especially Jo-"

"Stop it" I ordered and slapped my hand down on the table "We failed them Sam, I don't know why you're not upset, pissed or wanting to rip the universe apart to get them back" I took another swig.

"They went down fighting" Sam commented.

"And that makes it ok?" I asked angrily.

"No! Dean that is not what I meant" He sighed and closed the book he was reading.

"Then what did you mean Sam?"

"Jo and Ellen knew what we were going up against and they fought hard. We didn't fail them, fate failed them" He said.

"Screw fate!" I shouted and scoffed "We should have got them out of there alive. They died for us" I refilled the glass.

Sam went quiet and went back to reading his book. Good. I don't need to hear his shit right now. I don't get it. He cared about Ellen and Jo so why isn't he upset about this? Why isn't he so angry that he wants to kill anyone and bring them back? Right now, if someone came to me and said I had to jump to bring them back, I would ask them how damn high! Sam just seems to be acting like; well they're dead now so we need to get over it. How am I supposed to get over it when it's my fault that they are dead?

Jo got attacked by that hellhound saving me! I don't know why she took the hit for me; she should've carried on running with Sam and Ellen. Jo literally died for me and then she and Ellen blew themselves up to give me and Sam a chance, a chance that we didn't deserve. Lucifer wouldn't have been out of his cage if it wasn't for me and Sam and then Jo and Ellen died helping us put him back, no matter how you look at it, it's our fault.

We should've stayed away from them. They were living their own lives, they were hunters but it was pretty quiet life, then we turned up and everything went wrong for them. It's the same for everyone who knows us; no one around us tends to live that long. We can't always blame it on the 'hunter life' because there has to come a time when we got to take the blame.

"You know" I stopped drinking and looked up at Sam as he spoke "I remember your face, when you kissed Jo, when you were saying goodbye to her" He said.

"Sammy" I warned.

"Even now, you can't admit it"

"What do you want me to say?" I asked.

I know exactly what he wanted me to say, he's mentioned it a few times in the past year but I've always shut the conversation down. I don't like talking about it or thinking about it.

"I want you to be honest; you miss Jo, you're heartbroken, you love her..." He trailed off and sighed.

"I love her Sam" I stated and he looked surprised "There you go, I've told you, I love Jo, I loved her then and I still do" I finished the glass "Are you happy now?" I asked.

"Stop bottling this up" He pleaded.

"If I admit it, will it bring her back?"

"Of course not"

"Then why do I need to say it out loud?" I questioned as I refilled the glass.

Sam just shook his head; he grabbed the bottle of Whiskey in front of me and poured himself a large glass. This isn't going to end well. I'm not in the best of moods right now and the two of us getting drunk together to talk about this is only going to end in one way, someone is going to get punched in the face.

I watched as Sam took a few sips and I could tell he wanted to say something or ask something but he was worried about saying it. If he's worried about it then maybe he shouldn't be saying it.

"Why did you never tell her?" He asked carefully "I mean, you know how she felt about you and you and I both know how you felt about her. I just don't understand why you didn't tell her" He sipped.

"I knew nothing good would've come of it" I shrugged.

"What are you talking about? You and Jo could've had a good life together" He argued.

"How many happy ever afters do we know of?" I questioned "Me and Jo getting together never would've ended up well... and look what happened. If we were together when that happened, in love and in a relationship when she died... it would've felt 100 times worse than it does now and it hurts pretty damn bad right now" I explained.

"Do you regret not telling her?"

"I regret her dying not knowing how loved and cared for she was... I thought about telling her when I kissed her, when she was dying and bleeding everywhere, I thought about tell her I loved but it wasn't the right place or right time"

"Did you think about telling her?"

"God Sam, what is this, Dr Phil?"

"You don't talk about her, ever, you avoid it at all costs and I know how broken up you are about this and I want you to talk to me. I'm your brother. Tell me about her" He argued.

"I don't wanna talk about this anymore" I stated and stood from the table.

"Dean-"

"Leave it be Sam"

Sam has never been good at getting the hint but c'mon, surely he can see I don't wanna talk about Jo and my feelings for her. Yes, I loved her... I still love her and I probably always will, but what good could've come from me telling her? She still would've died and it would've just hurt more. Who knows? Being in a relationship with me could've shortened her life even further.

If Jo and I were together, she probably would've joined me and Sam on hunts or we would've joined her and that would've put her in more dangerous situations. She might have died before Carthage. Like I said, people that know me and Sam tend to have a low life expectancy.

It's why I tried to stay away from Jo. I knew that I would've got her killed eventually or I would've done something to mess it all up. I'm not good at relationships; my longest relationship was 3 months! Jo deserved more than that, she deserved a man who could give her more, I never told Jo to protect her from me. I would have messed her up and I loved her too much to do that to her.

Of course there were times when I just wanted to tell her and kiss and make love to her but I knew I couldn't. I knew about her crush on me but I always played it off to her, we joked about it and flirted but I knew it could never be anymore than that.

SUPERNATURAL

My brother is hurting and I don't know what to do to help him. It took him a year to finally admit to me that he loved Jo, a fact I already knew but to have him finally admit it is a big step for him. He's been bottling everything up and he hasn't been dealing with any of it well. I've heard him a few times at night, crying out for her, begging her not to die and it broke my heart to see him like that.

I know he blames himself for Jo and Ellen's death but he shouldn't. Jo took the hellhound hit for Dean because she loved him; she sacrificed herself for the man she loved. Yes, it shouldn't have happened and it is a tragedy that she died but she's dead so Dean could live. I know she wouldn't have wanted him to live like this; drinking himself stupid every night and burying himself in hunts and not caring about his own safety.

Part of me is thinking that maybe he wants to die so he can finally go be with her, or maybe he has just given up and doesn't want to fight and lose people anymore. Whatever the reason I need him to snap out of it. I thought getting him to confess his feelings and get him to open up might have helped matters but obviously not. I think I've just pushed him further into the bottle.

What do I do?

A year is a long time and he is no better now than he was the night it happened. I thought something might have been different by now but it's like it just happened, he's still going through it all.

The door opened and Dean pretty much fell through it, I got up from my seat to help him but he managed to get the door closed and he fell onto his bed.

"You ok Dean?" I asked.

"You still want to talk about Jo?"

"Sure, if you want"

Dean rolled over onto his back and just looked up at the ceiling "She was too good for me" He said "She would've realised sooner or later" He added.

"She loved you Dean, probably more than you know"

"I would do anything to have her back Sam, anything to have her shout at me again" He chuckled "I don't care what deal I would have to make, I'd do it for her" He stopped chuckling and was sad.

"Death isn't always the end in our line of work. You might get to see her again"

"I hope she's at peace"

"I'm sure she is" I agreed.

He sat up on his bed "Ok, I've talked about her so I don't want you to bring it up again" He warned and I nodded in agreement.