Harry: …and then Malfoy left the classroom, after saying he can handle it.
Ron: But Harry, if Malfoy could handle it, why would he leave the classroom? He should have been proving to Snape that he could handle his di…
Harry: Ron, not even close to what he meant by…
Ron: Also, are you sure you Snape said he made an Unbreakable Vow?
Harry: Wait, you actually pay attention to some of the things I say?
Ron: Of course I do Harry. Just because I ignore your silly requests to stop doesn't mean I don't hear them.
Harry: …a very concerning and horrifying statement to say the least. But anyway, what's an Unbreakable Vow?
Ron: It's a vow that's unbreakable.
Harry: I don't know why I expected a smarter answer than that.
Ron: Also, if you break it, you die.
Harry: Oh, you do know something about them then.
Ron: Yeah, Fred and George tried to make me do one when I was five.
Harry: But…they would have been only seven at that time. How would they have even known how to do something like that?
Fred: Because we believed in ourselves, and almost succeeded.
Harry: Have you two been sitting there long?
George: That's not important. What is important is: who the fuck is Lavender Brown, and how the hell did you land her?
Harry: Why were you looking at me when you said that?
Fred: Because we refuse to believe that Ron got with a girl.
Harry: Well, he did. Somehow.
George: Harry, I mean this in all seriousness: are you telling me that Ron, against all conceivable odds, has a girlfriend?
Harry: I'm as shocked as you are.
Fred: …no…no fucking way…
George: Harry, you have no idea how fucking rich you just made me.
Fred: I only bet that much because it seemed so damn impossible.
George: And now I'm richer than God. Pay up.
Fred: *sigh* Why don't I just give you my share of the company until I pay you back?
George: Oh, you assume you'll be alive to pay that off?
Molly: Please tell me you're not gambling in my house.
Fred: Of course not.
Molly: That's good…
George: We made the bet back at the shop.
Molly: God damn it…anyway, sleeping arrangements. Harry and Ron can share a room…
Ron: Yay.
Harry: Damn it.
Molly: Twins in a room…
Fred: How original.
Molly: Ginny and Fleur together…
Ginny: I don't care for this arrangement.
Molly: Bill can have his old room, and Remus can have Charlie's.
George: And what about Percy?
Molly: I remain hopeful that he realises the error of his ways.
Harry: You can't honestly think he'll stop being a jackass, can you?
Molly: I can try, damn it.
*Christmas Eve night*
Harry: Do we really have to listen to this?
Molly: It's a Christmas tradition.
Harry: You listen to the fucking Mariah Carey song that infamously tortures retail workers the world over for two straight hours every Christmas Eve?
Fred: It's her way of reminding us that we're all human and that we're not above anyone else, including those that have to serve us.
Harry: Huh, I guess that makes sense…
George: Of course she's wrong, and our workers are just dust beneath our feet…
Ginny: I would have said people in general, but sure.
Bill: If you don't mind, I'm going to excuse myself early. I've got stuff to do.
Fleur: I'm stuff.
Molly: There's a reason I put you two in separate rooms.
Harry: And how well do you think that worked out?
Molly: Damn it, why couldn't Tonks come?
Lupin: Because she doesn't believe in celebrating religious festivals.
Harry: Wait, why do we celebrate it? Aren't Christians the reason magic was hidden from muggles to begin with?
Arthur: Yep.
Harry: Then why…
Arthur: Do you want presents or not?
Harry: …I mean, I guess, but…
Arthur: Good. Then shut up.
Harry: Actually, there's something I…
Arthur: I said shut up.
Harry: Should have known I wasn't going to get anywhere there *turning to Lupin* So, I think Snape's evil, and trying to help Malfoy with something bad.
Lupin: I doubt it, but let's hear it anyway.
Harry: Well, Snape was trying to get Malfoy to tell him what he was doing.
Lupin: Probably so he could stop him from doing it.
Harry: And he said he made an Unbreakable Vow to help him.
Lupin: Likely a lie to trick Malfoy into tell Snape what he's doing.
Harry: Since when do you defend Snape?
Lupin: Harry, I don't like the man, but at this point, he's on the same side as me, or at least he's the enemy of my enemy.
Harry: But I'm trying to point out that he's not.
Lupin: Look, just…trust him, okay?
Harry: I literally have evidence suggesting that we shouldn't trust him, and I'm getting ignored? Why am I not surprised?
Arthur: Because children should be seen, not heard. Now shut up.
Lupin: Look, Snape is an asshole, but he's our asshole. Also, he made the Wolfsbane Potion that kept me from transforming…
Harry: Which you forgot to take.
Lupin: Hey, that only happened twice, and I only endangered people once.
Harry: I know. I was there.
Lupin: Oh, right…fuck you, Greyback.
Harry: Let me guess: werewolf who changed you?
Lupin: That obvious, huh?
Harry: His name screams wolf.
Lupin: And he's one of the worst. He positions himself near his victims, generally kids, then just lets himself change or kill them while he's on a rampage.
Harry: Voldemort *thundercrack* must be pretty jealous that one of his followers has a better track record of killing kids than he does.
Lupin: Oh, Greyback's not a Death Eater.
Harry: Say what?
Lupin: He just hates muggles, is supportive of You-Know-Who's rise to power, and is willing to do anything he says to help him take over.
Harry: He's a Death Eater.
Lupin: Technically he's just a supporter.
Harry: Uh huh, and Voldemort's *thundercrack* supporters are called…
Lupin: *sigh* Fine, he's a Death Eater.
Arthur: HEY! I told you both to shut up, now shut up.
*Christmas lunch*
Molly: Okay, is everyone comfortable?
Fleur: I don't have a lot of arm room here.
Molly: Noted and ignored. Anyone else?
Fred: Percy's here.
Molly: *hitting him* Don't make jokes like that.
George: Actually mum… *gets hit by Molly*
Molly: Don't you start.
Harry: But Mrs. Weasley… *gets hit*
Percy: Hello mother *gets hit*
Molly: Wait…HOLY SHIT! Percy? Is it really you?
Percy: Of course it is. Why wouldn't I want to see my family for Christmas?
Fred: You mean like last Christmas?
Harry: If anyone sings the words 'I gave you my heart' I will hex them.
Percy: Also, I brought someone.
Arthur: You've got a girlfriend?
Percy: Actually… *moves aside to let Rufus in*
Arthur: Oh, you're gay then? Congratulations. Though he does seem a bit old for you.
Rufus: Arthur, I'm your boss.
Arthur: Really? Percy, how dare you start banging my boss?
Rufus: …anyway, if I may have a word Mr. Potter?
Harry: You're not even going to pretend you're here for another reason?
Rufus: Would you believe any excuse I gave for why I'm here?
Harry: Fair enough *gets up from the table*
*in the garden*
Rufus: So, you're probably wondering why I dragged you out here.
Harry: I have a reasonably good idea.
Rufus: Well, you see, people hate politicians. They hate the government. And while I did everything I could as Head Auror to restore public faith in the Ministry, Fudge fucked up everything in an admittedly incredible fashion. Not condoning what he did by any means, but you have to admit that the extent to which he fucked up was kind of amazing.
Harry: Apparently the Oxford dictionary just has his picture under the definition of 'fuck up'.
Rufus: Yes, I commissioned that. Anyway, I'm hoping to restore people's faith in the Ministry, but fixing things after such a Fudge is not as easy as one would hope.
Harry: And you want me to help?
Rufus: Look, you don't have to do much. Just show up at the Ministry occasionally, be seen talking to high-ranking officials. It'll make the Ministry look good to be seen working with the Chosen One to defeat You-Know-Who.
Harry: Uh huh. And what do I get in return?
Rufus: Your ex-teacher Dolores Umbridge mentioned you wanted to become an Auror. Someone in my position can make that happen.
Harry: Dolly's still working for the Ministry, is she?
Rufus: Yeah, why?
Harry: Even after she did this? *shows Rufus the scar on the back of his hand*
Rufus: Well, misdemeanours like this happen sometimes.
Harry: Uh huh. Okay, here are my terms for doing this for you.
Rufus: Let's hear them.
Harry: First, I want you to get a cactus…
Rufus: *confused* Right…
Harry: Then, I want you to go fuck yourself with it *leaves*
Rufus: …I take it that's a no then?
