Chapter Three:

Several more of Izuku's friends stopped by over the next week, including a spikey-haired blond who said he was checking to see if Izuku had actually taken adoption leave from their workplace or fled the country after committing murder. Izuku laughed even though Katsuki Bakugo didn't look like he was joking. Tenya came by for dinner nearly every evening. Hisashi did not believe this was solely to protect them and suspected the policeman of being after Izuku's perfect chocolate chip cookies.

A parade of neighbors stopped by offering food. The locals all seemed to adore Izuku.

As Izuku chatted with middle-aged housewife, Yoichi whispered, "See? His neighbors would never get along with him so well if he was a yakuza. I told you that my perfectly heroic successor would never turn to a life of crime."

The woman said, "I must get your apple crisp recipe. My husband loved it."

Izuku nodded. "Let me get my recipe book." He took a white binder down from the bookshelf.

"I could snap a picture." The woman took out her phone.

"I write everything in a cipher. An old habit. I'll decrypt it and send it to you later—whoa there!" As the woman dropped her phone, Izuku's hand shot forward to grab it.

The woman laughed. "Thank you! You probably saved me from a cracked screen."

"My dad used to say that I could catch bullets in my hands, although of course it's smarter to dodge bullets," Izuku said.

"What a dad joke!" The woman laughed.

Hisashi raised an eyebrow. "Maybe the locals aren't too observant."

Yoichi sniffed. "Maybe the locals know that Izuku honed his catching skills from years of grabbing dropped tea cups. Tea ceremonies can get quite violent."

After saying farewell to his neighbor and closing the door, Izuku turned around. "Time for bed, you two."

"Can we have a bedtime story?" Yoichi asked.

Izuku said, "Sure. Do you want the story about how Nine-Fingered Sal lost his finger and learned a valuable lesson about snitching? Or if you'd rather have something with happy ending, how about the legend of Immortal Sasaki? That was a bedtime favorite of mine when I was your age."

Hisashi rolled his eyes and whispered, "Do you think a normal person would tell children those stories?"

Yoichi hissed, "Shhhh, don't tell him that. I want to hear about the immortal guy. I've spent entirely too long reading picture books about cute animals. I want some bloodshed in my storytelling."


Hisashi tapped his foot on the ground as he sat on the bench outside his classroom. Spending an entire day attending insipid elementary school classes had put him in a bad mood. Why would a supervillain need to learn long division? It did not help his bad mood that he'd actually forgotten how to divide large sums by hand after a century of using a calculator. Honestly he'd lost a fair bit of knowledge due to his hazy memories—but nothing important to his future conquest would be learned in this hellhole of noisy children. Now Izuku had the nerve to be late to pick him up.

After waiting exactly one minute down to the second, Hisashi dialed his guardian. Ochaco had become his favorite of his new aunts and uncles since giving him a phone.

As soon as Izuku picked up, Hisashi shouted, "You're late!"

In a strained voice, Izuku said, "I'm sorry, Hisashi. Some old family friends came by to visit me unexpectedly. I asked Tenya to pick up you and Yoichi and babysit you." Gunshots sounded in the background.

Hisashi sniffed at the notion of being babysat by a former hero student. "I'm quite capable of looking after myself and my little brother."

"I'm sure you are, but Tenya is bringing cookies. His mom made them."

"What kind of cookies?"

"Oatmeal raisin."

"Acceptable."

The gunfire grew louder. "I have to go." Izuku hung up.

Tenya pushed open the door. "Hisashi, I'm here to pick you up." He carried Yoichi in his arms.

Yoichi yanked on Tenya's hair. "Put me down! I hate all older brothers! Especially traitors who used to be younger brother and joined the older brother side."

Tenya winced. "Would you like a cookie?"

"I don't accept bribes from traitors!" Yoichi shoved Tenya's glasses.

Shifting the boy to his other arm, Tenya pulled out his phone. "Izuku, I need help."

A loud explosion came from the other end. "I'm a little busy," Izuku hissed.

Tenya cried, "Yoichi doesn't like me!"

"Oh, dear, that is a crisis. Did you try giving him cookies?"

"Yes, but it didn't work."

Izuku raised his voice. "Yoichi, I'll make Ahi Tuna Steaks for dinner if you behave for Mr. Iida."

"Oh, fine." Yoichi stopped gnawing on Tenya's ear.

A very loud explosion came from the phone. Both Yoichi and Tenya winced. Izuku shouted, "Take that, motherf—uh, funny people. Bye!"

As they walked home, Hisashi whispered, "Do you think ordinary salaryman get into gunfights?"

Yoichi hissed, "They could have been fireworks. I bet people like to watch fireworks while carrying out tea ceremonies." He did not look like he believed it. But clearly he was going to be as delusional and stubborn about Izuku not being yakuza as he had about his older brother becoming a hero in the past.


Tenya was an easily controlled babysitter. Hisashi successfully persuaded three cookies from him before Izuku returned home.

Hisashi scanned his guardian for any injuries, but Izuku only had a bit of dirt on his forehead. He dragged a massive lump wrapped in a tarp behind him.

Pointing, Hisashi said, "Little brother, it's a body."

Yoichi swallowed. "It could be a dummy?"

Hisashi toed the end of the tarp. "It's leaking blood."

"It's dinner!" Izuku said cheerfully. He placed the tarp on the counter, revealing a very large tuna. "Gang Orca gave it to me since I helped him with some, ahem, difficulties. Wait, I should call him Kugo Sakamata. He changed his name after he retired and became a fisherman."

"See!" Yoichi crowed. "There was a perfectly reasonable explanation."

Hisashi whispered, "Doesn't Gang Orca sound like a yakuza name?"

Yoichi put his nose up in the air. "It sounds like the name of an aquatic-themed tea ceremony master."

Izuku proceeded to chop the tuna into steaks with his usual efficiency using knives. Then he invited Tenya to stay for dinner, then sent him home with a Tupperware of leftovers for his family.


Hisashi lay on the couch, content with a full belly. Yoichi leaned against him, eyes closed and in a food coma. Hisashi didn't love tuna as much as his brother, but he could devour anything that Izuku had cooked. His past self had made a serious error by not sponsoring Izuku's cooking career. He could have both avoided the pesky heroism and obtained the most talented personal chef.

The doorbell rang. Izuku called, "Did you hear something?" Running water from Izuku cleaning the dishes must have partly masked the sound.

In a good mood due to the delicious meal, Hisashi said, "The doorbell rang. I'll get it." He forced himself to stand despite his stuffed condition and went to the door.

Izuku called, "Wait! Let me open the door!" The running water stopped.

Hisashi had been often accused of overprotectiveness by Yoichi in his last lifetime. He found he didn't enjoy being on the receiving end. As a former and future villain, he could take care of himself. He opened the door.

A one-eyed blond man stood holding a box from a local cookie company. He had their logo on his uniform and hat.

Turning, Hisashi called, "Little brother, did you order cookies? You're the one who wouldn't accept them from Tenya because of some nonsense about big brother cooties!"

"I didn't," Yoichi insisted, standing up from the couch.

A massive hand grabbed Hisashi by the back of his neck and lifted him in the air. "Got you," Muscular crooned. "Nothing personal, but I have a reputation as a family killer and my loyal fans will be disappointed if I don't finish off the children this time too—"

Hisashi kicked Muscular in the crotch. What kind of idiot left his vitals open while monologuing?

Screaming, Muscular drew a gun.

Izuku ran into the living room. He threw a kitchen knife, pinning Muscular's gun hand to the wall. Then he knocked out the serial killer with one punch.

Yoichi applauded frantically. "My successor is the coolest! No wonder the Ninth became the first to beat big brother!"

Izuku dropped to his knees and pulled Hisashi into a hug. "Are you hurt?"

"Not a scratch," Hisashi said, stepping on Muscular's balls. The lack of reaction convinced him the serial killer wasn't faking unconsciousness.

"Thank goodness." Izuku pulled out his phone. "I'll call the police. Also, no dessert for a week because you opened the door when I told you not to."

Over Hisashi's anguished screams, Yoichi asked, "Can I have all of big brother's cookies?"


Despite Hisashi's insistence that he was unharmed, he still got dragged to the hospital for a checkup. They were escorted by a group of scary-looking men lurking around the apartment building. The scarred and tattooed men fell all over themselves sobbing and apologizing to Izuku for failing to catch Muscular in time.

Predictably, the doctors could find no injury. Hisashi was free to go.

Hisashi and Yoichi sat in metal chairs as Izuku signed the hospital paperwork. Around them were a dozen men in suits who Hisashi remained convinced must be yakuza. Izuku glanced at his phone, then sighed. He walked over. "My dad heard that we were attacked. He sent me a text saying that he's coming over. I'd planned to delay your meeting because my family can be…a bit much. Please don't be scared. He's a very nice person."

"Yakuza," Hisashi whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

"You have no proof." Yoichi crossed his arms and pretended not to see the dragon and tiger tattoos on the man sitting next to him or how the other hospital patient shied away.

A skinny blond man wearing a navy blue yukata threw open the doors. "Izzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzuku! My beloved child! Are you hurt? How are my grandchildren?"

"Boss! We apologize for our failure!" The men dropped to their knees.

Yoichi slapped his forehead. "The yakuza stole my eighth successor too? This is not heroic!"

This comment allowed Hisashi to recognize the man despite his scrawny form. All Might was Izuku's father? Horror made Hisashi collapse back into his chair. He did not know why, but he had the strong feeling that his past life archnemesis had just stolen something important and pulled off the ultimate insult toward him. "Nooooooooooo!" Hisashi wailed. "I can't inherit a yakuza group with All Might cooties!"

"I'm the heir since Big Brother Izuku left, brat. But you can change to my class if you want. I'd rather become a professional gamer." Tomura Shigaraki strolled into the hospital, playing a game on his phone. The teenager held the hand of a preteen girl with ponytails. Upon seeing Hisashi, Tomura recoiled. "Sensei? Never mind, I'm not letting you anywhere near power."

Yoichi pointed. "Tomura?"

"Should I know you? My current name is Tenko Midoriya." Tomura/Tenko tucked away his phone. "This is my little sister, Hana." He glared at Hisashi. "Look at her wrong, and I'll show you who's stronger in this lifetime." Hana only looked confused.

"Even you reversed the order between older and younger siblings?" Yoichi shrieked. "Why is it only me, dammit? Am I truly fated to be a younger brother forever? I refuse to accept this sadistic destiny!"

"Who's All Might?" Toshinori asked out of the corner of his mouth.

"I think it's you," Izuku whispered. "Both the brothers have an imaginative game going where everyone is a hero or a villain. All Might is the number one hero in their fantasy world."

"Aw! What a nice nickname! You even let me be a hero. We're getting along already!" Toshinori swept Hisashi and Yoichi up into a hug. "You can call me Grandpa!"

Hisashi's eyes rolled back with horror and he frothed at the mouth. How dare his old nemesis become a villain? All Might didn't deserve to steal Hisashi's dream of being a highly successful criminal! Hisashi would never accept All Might as his grandfather! But no matter how he struggled, the giant man seemed to think he was attempting to cuddle.

To make matters worse, distant memories were flickering through Hisashi's mind at top speed. A door opened. Something deeply buried came back. A baby with curly green hair and waterfall tears. Izuku had been his son! All Might had stolen his son! This universe had everything all wrong!

Yoichi sobbed, "We should have both died at Muscular's hands so that I could become a big brother in my next lifetime. It's not too late! Hisashi, you can die and reincarnate as my younger brother." Yoichi lunged forward and attempted to strangle Hisashi.

"Let's all die together as a family so we can be reborn without any connection to All Might!" Hisashi attempted to strangle Yoichi back.

Toshinori said, "You're both such enthusiastic huggers. And you're so happy to be adopted into the family that you're crying." He held them so tightly that they couldn't move their arms. Both brothers wept.

Sighing, Izuku pulled out his phone and dialed. "Shouto? Did Tenya tell you what happened? Good. I need you to bring me some baking materials from your restaurant. It will take a lot of cookies to calm my kids down."


OMAKE TIME!

Omake: Murder Family

Yoichi: I'm going to kill my older brother.

Hisashi: I'm going to kill my grandfather.

Toshinori: They're both natural little yakuza! What lovely grandsons!

Izuku: (Sighs) This situation may require a cookie cake.

#

Omake: Hisashi Versus Elementary School

Hisashi: I'm far too advanced for second grade. As a genius, I have greater priorities, like plotting my future conquest of Japan. I demand that you enroll me in college classes at once.

Teacher: What's eight hundred and eighty-four divided by seventeen?

Hisashi: If you give me a calculator, I can solve that in a heartbeat.

Teacher: Who was the former prime minister of Japan?

Hisashi: Unfortunately all my knowledge of history comes from a parallel universe.

Teacher: Name the prefectures of Japan.

Hisashi: They all have different names in this timeline!

Teacher: I understand that you've never attended school before, you poor thing. We may need to hold you back a grade so you can get caught up.

Hisashi: No! My little brother would never let me live it down! Give me a textbook. Studying takes priority over global conquest.

#

Omake: Izuku and Katsuki Still Have a Strange Friendship

Katsuki: Welcome back to the office from your so-called adoption leave, Midoriya. Is that a cover for human trafficking?

Izuku: Of course not. I really did adopt two children. You met them. Here are pictures of them. Aren't they cute?

Katsuki: Whoa, those are two very murderous looking children. Just what I'd expect from you. I know there's something fishy about you and I'm going to prove it to everyone in the company!

Izuku: Is this because you had the highest performance rating for three years running until I beat you last year?

Katsuki: This is because last time I handed you a watermelon at the company picnic, you chopped it into pieces using a meat cleaver with one hand without letting a single drop of juice hit you!

Izuku: I work out.

Katsuki: Then you handed me a slice and told me to weigh it down and sink it into Tokyo Bay.

Izuku: That's an old family joke! Tokyo Bay is far too congested for corpse disposal!

#

Omake: The Strongest Salaryman

Izuku Versus Muscular: Hour-long slugfest.

Salaryman Izuku Versus Muscular: Over in one second.

#

Omake: Dabi Being Dabi

Touya: What did I do to deserve being stuck as the youngest brother? Besides all the murder attempts.

Shouto: Aw, my brother is the most adorable baby.

Touya: I will kill you! (Gnaws on Shouto's arm).

Shouto: He's giving me kisses. I'm his favorite.

#Give Touya some time to get used to being the doted-upon family baby #He enjoys the attention #The Todorokis are also yakuza #However, Shouto became a soba chef #He eventually bribes Touya to like him with food

#

Omake: The Youngest Generation Remembers

Izuku: Your last play date with Kai Chisaki…didn't go well. But all my parenting books say that socialization is important. I've brought you a new friend. He's the son of my former underling—uh, friend, Hitoshi Shinsou. His name is Shouta.

Six-year-old Aizawa: I'm just here for the food. Seriously, if I'd known that problem child made such great cookies then I would have expelled him in his last lifetime so he could become a baker.

Yoichi: Finally, another hero who remembers! I was starting to worry it would be me against all the villains.

Hisashi: It's Erasure, so close yet permanently unstealable.

Aizawa: Should I know either of you? I don't recall ever seeing your faces.

Izuku: I see you've included him in your games already.

Yoichi: Psst! From one hero to another, want to help me set my brother's hair on fire?

Aizawa: Are you sure you used to be a hero? What school did you graduate from?

Yoichi: Back in my day, we didn't have hero schools or licenses or so many rules. Well, we did have rules, but they were unjust rules so I felt free to ignore them.

Aizawa: A vigilante! I will capture you!

Yoichi: Why are you chasing me when my brother is All for One?

Aizawa: Your brother is who? Problem child, what have you done? I demand more cookies to cope with this


Author's Note: I know it may seem like only villains remembered in this AU, but it's actually based on age. Only the children remember. All Might should have been a young child based on the role reversal pattern, but Izuku got him as a dad because of all the good karma Izuku earned in his last life when he ripped out All for One's throat with his teeth. Also, the Dadmight ending is what Hisashi gets for threatening the Author last chapter.

To avoid being murdered by Hisashi for this fic ending, I'll be fleeing to the distant wilderness for the next two weeks. I do not expect to have time to write any oneshots while on vacation, but I've prepared two multi-chapter fics in advance with long chapters. My updates may be sporadic due to lack of internet and I will take longer to reply to comments, but I promise to read and love all of them later. I hope you enjoy these two stories:

"You Can't Have Everything" (Tuesday update): Before Yoichi found about All for One's villainy, back when they had a good relationship, he invited his older brother to go hiking with him. Unfortunately, a pair of city boys have absolutely no idea what they're doing. As their argument turns political, cracks in their relationship appear that will later lead to the genesis of All for One and One for All.

"If You Meet Your Father, Kill Your Father" (Sunday update): Izuku is a half-demon mercenary who has survived on his own ever since he lost his mother as a young child. In the middle of a job, Demon Lord Hisashi identifies Izuku as his long-lost son. Izuku scorns this demon who wants to baby him. Hisashi has no idea how to deal with a son with the cherubic appearance of a teenager, the foul mouth of a soldier, and a murderous vendetta against demonkind.