Welcome to the last two chapters. Initially I thought this would be longer, but that happens sometimes. I hope you enjoy these chapters.
Ch. 5 Under Seven Different Shades of Grey
(CLARE)
"I need Drew in there with me or I'm afraid Asher will get in the washroom and kill me. I know it sounds stupid but…"
"That's okay Clare," Adam says, cutting me off as my voice gets more and more anxious. "I get it, I'm just glad you feel safe with my brother."
"Thanks Adam, me too, I'm grateful for your entire family. With Asher likely out on bail it's hard to feel safe at all," I reply.
Adam hugs me before going into the washroom. Drew and I go into his room and he closes the door. We get in his bed facing each other, I should be sleeping but I'm not tired, I'm finding it hard to even get tired as thoughts of Asher run through my mind. Thoughts of Asher and the possibility that he's out there, waiting to get to me again, these thoughts keep me from sleeping. Drew falls asleep after a while, I listen to his light snoring, watch his face in the dim light and eventually his deep breathing lulls me to sleep. When we're woken by Drew's alarm Wednesday morning, I hardly feel that I slept at all, I probably didn't.
"Morning," Omar says when we come downstairs after getting ready for school. He's usually gone by now, the fact that he's still here makes me think something is wrong.
"What's wrong Dad?" Adam asks. I guess I'm not the only one that thinks he's still here because something is wrong.
"Asher is out on bail," Omar informs us, and I start shaking. Drew and Adam both put their arms around me. "I'll call the judge first thing this morning to see if your restraining was granted. If you do see Asher near the school, call immediately."
I nod, but I just keep thinking that Asher is out there waiting for me somewhere. I'm not hungry now and just have coffee for breakfast. The entire drive to school and walking into the building I look everywhere for Asher. I don't see him, but this does nothing to ease my fears. When I go to the washroom before first period, I think I see his face in the mirror as I wash my hands. I bite my lip to keep from screaming, close my eyes, when I open them Asher's face is gone. This is only slightly comforting as I feel my sanity melting away each time I see Asher. I don't even feel safe until I'm in class with Drew and the others.
"Dad texted during class; your restraining order was granted. Asher can't come within two hundred feet of you," Adam tells me when we leave first period.
"No, he's perfectly capable of doing so, but can be arrested if he's caught doing so, or tries to kill me again," I reply.
"He won't get that close to you Clare, we won't let him," Drew assures me.
"Not a chance," Dallas agrees.
"Let's get to class," Adam says, putting his arm around my shoulders.
Jenna is walking on the other side of Adam, Alli comes to my other side. I don't feel as safe in this classroom, we're surrounded by windows. I can't even count the number of times I see Asher's face out of the corner of my eye or in the window reflection. I'll look over or close my eyes and he'll be gone, but every time it happens, I know I'm going crazy. We eat in the caf today, and I still think I see Asher, it makes it hard to eat. In fact, I hardly manage to eat a yogurt.
I'm nervous for third period, fourth period and even student council, it doesn't matter. If I'm not seeing Asher's face from the corner of my eye or reflected in the windows, then I'm hearing his voice. Sometimes I feel like he's there watching, but when I look around, I see nothing. I try really hard to tell myself it's PTSD, but it doesn't really work, I just feel like I'm losing my mind.
"Are you okay?" Adam asks as Drew starts driving home. I let him have the front seat, and as soon as I was buckled in the car I laid down in the back seat.
"Just tired," I reply. I am tired, but I really just don't want to think I see Asher. If I'm lying down with my eyes closed and I see Asher I know it's only my imagination.
We say hi to Audra and then go down to the basement when we get home, starting on our homework before dinner. Dallas gets home just before dinner, but Omar is staying late at the office. After dinner Dallas still has all his homework while Drew, Adam and I have some homework to finish. We finish our homework while watching TV, staying in the basement until it's time for bed.
By the time Drew and I are getting ready for bed I've come to a decision. If I'm losing my sanity and I'm going to go nuts then I'm going down in a blaze of glory. I might as well have fun on this slide down to insanity. So, when I'm in bed with Drew, close and facing him as always, I put my hand at the back of his neck.
"Wha…" Drew starts to ask but stops when I smash my lips to his.
For about a tenth of a second he freezes and then he responds. His lips part, his tongue licks across my bottom lip requesting access. My lips happily part for him, but I want to do so much more than kiss. My hand caresses down his neck, my other lifts his shirt. When my fingers caress his abs Drew exhales into the kiss. His tongue caresses mine while his hand traces along my curves, though he stays on top of my clothing. I can fix that though, I sit up, break the kiss and take off my pajama top.
"Whoa!" Drew exhales when I'm topless.
He sits up, looking at my breasts in the low light, gazing at them almost mesmerized. I will never understand a boy's fascination with breasts. He's just staring at them though, he's still not moving, so I reach up and grip his shirt taking it off. I lie down on my back and pull Drew with me. Attaching our lips again I trace my fingers down his chest and abdomen. I feel Drew's muscles tighten under my touch, I feel his breath hitch when I come to his pajama bottoms.
My fingers slide under the waistband, tracing the thin trail of hair. My fingers find his boxers and get underneath them. Drew stiffens, his muscles taut but he deepens the kiss and then moans into it when my fingers find his shaft. He pulls out of the kiss and I think he's going to stop this or ask if I'm sure. He doesn't though, his lips touch down to my skin and he begins trailing open mouth kisses along my chest. I exhale, moaning softly at each touch of his lips.
He kisses all the way down to the center of my breasts and then takes each one in his hands, squeezing very gently. His fingers spread out over them, until his hands cover them. He moves his head, enveloping my right nipple in his mouth and sucking gently. I cover my mouth to keep from moaning loudly. Drew does the same to the other nipple before he moves down my body. He continues kissing all the way down my body until he reaches the top of my pajama pants.
He moves down now, kicking off the blankets and begins to shimmy my pajamas down. I see his licentious grin when he sees I'm not wearing panties, I planned on this and I think he's getting that idea now. He tosses my pajamas somewhere behind him and goes down opening my legs to get between them. Sliding down to his stomach, his head disappearing between my legs as his tongue slides between my pussy lips. I cover my mouth to stifle the erotically pleased moan that escapes from my lips.
His tongue laps at my core, tasting of my juices and exploring for a few moments. When Drew withdraws his tongue I release a wanting whimper, and see him smirk in the moonlight. Quickly removing his pajama bottoms and boxers he retrieves a condom from the drawer and gets it on. Then he moves back between my legs, his lips take mine as two of his fingers scissor open my pussy lips. I taste myself on his lips, he smiles into the kiss as he makes his first thrust.
Drew is slow and gentle, his cock sliding in slowly, but he's bigger than Eli. My instinct is to break the kiss to moan, but I don't want to wake Adam or anyone else so I kiss Drew harder. Drew is gentle, patient, he kisses me with heated passion while his cock slowly and tenderly invades my pussy. When my body adjusts I buck my hips in a silent plea to have him go faster.
Drew doesn't disappoint, bracing himself with one hand he begins thrusting faster, he gets deeper too. I grip the back of his neck, moaning into the kiss. Drew's thrusts are steady, deep and fast, it feels as though Drew is touching me everywhere. I want to moan out loud, to call his name, to scream in pleasure, but we would get in trouble and I wouldn't be allowed to sleep here anymore. When I feel that I'm close I break the kiss for a breath and then press my lips to his shoulder releasing my moan of orgasmic bliss against his skin.
When I climax my vaginal walls squeeze Drew's cock. I feel his body go taut as he prepares to climax as well. He squeezes me tighter, his head coming to my chest and he moans his orgasmic cry against my breast. Drew thrusts a few more times before pulling out, the sudden loss forces a whimper from my lips and I curl up. Drew wraps the condom in some tissues from his bedside table and tosses the condom in the trash can. He gets back in the bed, neither of us put on clothes again, but when he gets in bed he pulls me to him. His arm comes around me, he kisses my shoulder and I fall asleep naked, held by Drew and cradled against his body. Tonight I sleep without nightmares.
(DREW)
I watch Clare eating lunch, sitting across from me, between Adam and Luke. It was cold today, with a bitter wind and a little snow, so the seven of us were eating in the caf. Clare had seemed okay this morning, actually first thing this morning she was great. I was great too, waking up with a naked Clare in my arms was amazing. Clare was good until we left the house, and the fear that Asher was out there watching had her looking around. She did it the entire drive to school as well. We assured her Asher wasn't out there but it did little to calm her. When we got to school I dropped the three of them at the steps so Clare could get inside.
There were a couple times during first period that it looked like she might be seeing Asher. It was hard to tell though, and all I could really do was assure her that she was safe. I didn't see her during second period and she seemed to be doing fine now. Of course the caf is in the center of the school and we're near the doors, so even if Asher was around I doubt he'd see much or she could see him. When I feel an elbow in my ribs I look away from Clare to Dallas.
"You're staring at her," Dallas whispers to me.
"Just worried," I whisper back while looking away from Clare.
I am worried, but it's not the only reason I'm watching. Last night was amazing, even though we had to be quiet, making love to her was incredible. I'm not reading too much into it though, I don't think her jumping me last night means she wants me that way. It's the PTSD, it's needing to feel something. I chose amature MMA, she chose to make love to me. Her way is much better, and if she feels the need to use my body during this time I am more than willing. I'd love to make passionate love to her every night that she's at my house, but I doubt that will happen. Only when she's feeling the need to feel something other than scared, to feel alive. To feel like Asher isn't winning because this is one thing he can't take from her.
I watch her the rest of the day, of course we don't have the same third period class. I catch her glancing out the window a lot in fourth period. I take her hand or touch her arm so she'll look at me and not the window. Both to remind her she's safe and keep her from constantly being on the lookout for Asher. We have student council after school, but I keep it pretty brief. Dallas has practice and Mom will pick him up later. Adam, Clare and I have the car, Adam has therapy and Clare and I are going to group tonight. Between the two we'll grab some dinner.
I usually have one on one therapy every other Thursday, but with Clare at the house and needing me so much we canceled my sessions until further notice. Honestly, helping Clare has helped me a lot too. While Adam's in therapy Clare and I get coffee in the lobby of the medical building. We then sit in the back corner table, she puts herself in the corner and we do homework. She hardly eats anything at dinner, just keeps glancing around for Asher, even though both Adam and I assure her he's not here and we won't let him get to her.
Clare doesn't say anything in group, but I think it helped. At the very least it shows her that others are going through or went through a lot of the same things she's feeling. When Rose talks about her rape, about always feeling like she's about to be attacked, Clare cringes but doesn't say anything. When we get home we finish our homework in the basement. Clare and I get ready for bed but she just curls up and goes to sleep, though she does put herself close enough to feel me. She wakes up a little after three from a nightmare, and we don't get back to sleep. She doesn't say anything, doesn't even look at me, but after she stops shaking from the nightmare she brings my arm around her.
Friday is pretty much the same, with me watching Clare to make sure she's okay and not seeing Asher everywhere. We hold student council at lunch since there's a hockey game after school. Owen's parents are out of town and he's watching his brother, so of course decided to throw a party at their house after the hockey game.
We go to the game together, well aside from Dallas who took the team bus. We sit together and Clare sits in the center, but she's so nervous and agitated for the entire game. I'm not sure if it's just the very public setting, the large crowd that has endless possibilities for seeing Asher's face, or all the noise that's making her so anxious. She never leaves her seat and about ten minutes into the game she takes my hand and doesn't let go. I keep whispering to her that she's safe, but she's dancing on the edge and barely hanging on by the time we're in the car on our way to Owen's.
The Ice Hounds lose the game, one more loss and they're done for the season which sucks. I know Dallas and the others will be happy for a good party when they get here. For the first half hour or so Clare stays in the center of our group and doesn't leave my side. When the Ice Hounds get here, and probably as she realizes Asher isn't coming in here she starts to relax. She starts to mingle and eat and after another hour excuses herself to the washroom, when she doesn't return to me I figure she's relaxed and doing fine.
So, I leave Adam and Dallas with their girlfriends and find my way to the food. I spend some time talking with Owen and drinking three cans of pop while I'm at it. No alcohol for me, I'm driving and I learned my lesson with alcohol and parties with the whole Katie/Bianca fiasco. After drinking three pops I have to use the washroom and when I come out Clare is talking to Luke in the hallway. Nothing wrong with that exactly but I linger because she's standing very close to him and it's not very loud over here. Something in me just says to stick around, so I pretend to look at pictures on the wall.
"Why don't we go upstairs and find an empty room," Clare coos in this flirtatious voice.
The thought of her in a bedroom with Luke Baker so much as making out fills me with a hot jealousy. They start walking away, he has his arm around her and I run over taking her hand. Without a word I drag her down the hall through the backdoor, it's very cold and we don't have coats but my jealousy is keeping me warm. Luke doesn't follow us out, not sure what he's thinking, but at the moment I don't care.
"You are not going to have sex with Luke Baker," I tell her.
"If I'm going nuts and I'm going to break down beyond repair then I'm going to have some fun on my way down," she replies and starts to cry. "I saw my sister break down, she tried to commit suicide Drew, and she never even remembered her attacker."
I sigh and cup her cheek before brushing my fingers into her hair. I let my hand rest at the back of her neck and then pull her into a hug. I hold her tightly, shielding her in my embrace and letting her sob on my chest.
"You're not going crazy Clare, it's the PTSD, it's normal. I saw Vince and his gang everywhere for a while. It will stop eventually I promise. One breath at a time Clare. Remember the tools you learn in group when you have those moments, and remember that you're not alone Clare, ever. If you think you see Asher, if you're remembering the attack, if you feel like you're losing it or anything, then tell me. Tell Adam, Alli, Jenna, Dallas even. We'll help you, but we have to know what's happening for you."
She doesn't say anything, but does nod against my chest. She's still sobbing so I hold her until her tears begin to dry. I don't think the party is the place for her, I think it's feeding too much into the self-destructive tendencies that PTSD can sometimes manifest.
"I think I should get you home, we'll watch movies and you can shower. Let's go get our coats and we'll find Adam and Dallas," I tell her.
"Okay," she whispers against my chest. I keep one arm around her and we go back inside. I look around for Adam and Dallas, I see Adam first.
"Clare's not doing well, I'm going to take her home, you and Dallas will have to find your own way home," I tell Adam.
"We can get them home," Jenna says.
"Drew will take care of you," Adam tells Clare, before he hugs her.
Jenna hugs Clare as well and then we get our coats going out to the car. I drive us home in silence, Clare is quiet during the entire drive. She's looking out the window and seems to be in her head. I expect her to break down in some way when we get home. Or remain entirely silent the rest of the night.
"You two are home early," Mom comments when we come in.
"Clare wasn't having a very good time at the party, so I figured I'd better get her home. We're going to go watch TV in the basement," I tell my parents.
"Alright, we'll be going to bed soon. How are Adam and Dallas getting home?" Mom asks.
"Jenna said she and Alli would get them home, I'm sure they'll squeak in at curfew."
Mom nods and we go downstairs, I turn the TV on and start looking for a movie. Clare pushes me back on the sofa and crushes her lips to mine. She's in need of a release, I'm trying to tell myself it means nothing, that it's like me doing MMA. It's easy to think this, even easier to give in and let my desires run me because I want to be inside of her and make love to her so badly.
When we hear the basement door opening we jump apart. Mom pokes her head down to say she's going to bed. As soon as the door closes I turn up the TV a little and we start tearing our clothes off. Clare pushes me back on the sofa, her lips crushing to mine again, her tongue splits my lips open and comes into my mouth. While her tongue explores the depths of my mouth I let my hands rove the curve of her back and squeeze her ass lightly.
Opening her legs I slide in just a little, rewarded by a lovely moan from Clare's beautiful mouth. I start to thrust slowly, but that's not what Clare wants right now, she turns putting herself on top and begins riding me fast, almost violently. Her moans are loud and purring, but with Dallas and Adam gone and my parents two floors above us we don't really have to be quiet.
Watching her ride me is maybe the best sight I've ever seen. Her back arched and her breasts out, her neck craning back and then lulling forward. I watch and study her very closely so I can burn this image into my mind for all time. She rides me hard and fast, bringing herself to orgasm and then collapsing on my chest. I didn't orgasm, but holding her naked body to me as she pants from exhaustion is very satisfying in its own way. I let her rest a few minutes before moving her hair away from her face.
"We should get upstairs, Dallas and Adam will be home before long," I tell her.
"Okay," she yawns.
We untangle and get dressed enough to get upstairs. We quickly get ready for bed and when we get back to my room she undresses again. When she's naked she comes over and pulls me to the bed. I guess we're going again, we'll have to be quiet this time of course. I smile, attach my lips to hers and lie her back on the bed. I'm ready to go all night if she needs it.
(CLARE)
I sat on the bench near the dressing rooms in the department store. Alli and Jenna were in the dressing rooms trying on a multitude of clothes. I didn't feel like shopping, but I wanted to get out and Toronto is cold in the winter. Alli and Jenna wanted to come to the mall, I didn't care and their boyfriends wanted to make them happy. So, here we were spending our day at the mall, though even sitting her bored was an improvement on my morning.
Mom had come to breakfast this morning, she was supportive and understanding one minute, and the next she was overbearing and pushy. In one sentence she'd tell me to take the time that I needed. In the next she'd be insisting I come home now that Asher had been arrested and I had a restraining order against him. I tried explaining that a piece of paper didn't make me feel safe, especially with Asher out on bail. Even with Mom and Glen home (which they wouldn't always be) I was not ready to return to the place of my attack. Even Drew tried explaining that it can take months for people to be okay returning to the place of the attack and many that were attacked in their home would move. Mom didn't seem to understand, she just kept saying I would be better at home. Eventually, I gave up and told the boys I wanted to leave before running up to Drew's room.
I was happy to be away from my mom, but honestly was not having a very good time at the mall. I didn't want to try on clothes and didn't feel like shopping, neither did the boys really but they were still all in the menswear department. When my phone rings in my purse I pull it out fully expecting it to be Mom. When I look at the caller ID it says Unknown. It's probably spam, but could also be the hospital with test results or something so I answer.
"Hello?"
"I told you I wouldn't let it go to trial and I won't Clare. No witnesses means no trial. That's a lovely top you have on Clare, that blue really brings out your eyes," Asher's maniacal voice teases me through the phone.
I gasp, hang up quickly and stand up looking for Asher. I don't see him, but now my only thought is that he's here and I don't want to be. I start running, my only thought is getting as far away from Asher as possible.
"CLARE," Drew calls when I run past them. I don't stop, I just keep running, not that it matters because he catches up to me quickly. He may not do sports any longer but he's still very fast. Drew catches my hand and brings me to him holding me against his chest. "Clare what is it? What's wrong?"
"He's here, he was watching me. He just called me from an unknown number and essentially threatened to kill me. He said if there were no witnesses then there would be no trial. He said I was wearing a lovely top, that the blue really brought out my eyes. He couldn't know what I was wearing if he wasn't here," I tell Drew as the tears begin to pour down my cheeks. I'm shaking, terrified that Asher will jump out at any moment and kill me. I feel Drew looking around as he holds me tighter.
"Come on, let's get you home, and we'll call Officer Turner," Drew says. He releases me enough that we can walk. I see Adam and Dallas approaching.
"What's going on?" Adam asks.
"Asher is here somewhere, he called her cell and knew what she was wearing. Told her no witnesses meant no trial. We should go home and call Officer Turner," Drew tells them.
"We'll grab the girls, stay here," Dallas remarks.
I cling to Drew's chest and he wraps his arms around me again. We stay that way until Alli and Jenna are with us and we all walk back to our cars. Adam and Jenna ride with Drew and I, while Dallas rides with Alli back to the Torres house. Audra and Omar are out but Drew calls Officer Turner right away.
"What did he say?" I question when Drew hangs up the phone.
"Calling you may violate the restraining order. He'll have to see the restraining order, even if it does they'll have to prove the call came from Asher," Drew replies.
"Which they probably can't since it was an unknown number," I huff. I feel angry, scared, helpless and exposed, I need a release. Drew is good for that, I just need to get him upstairs. "I want to go lie down, come with me please? I don't want to be alone right now."
"Of course," Drew nods.
"Let us know if you need anything," Adam says. I smile at him and go upstairs with Drew.
As soon as we get upstairs behind the closed door I rip Drew's shirt off. Our clothes are disposed of in a few seconds and then we're on the bed. All my anger, fear and frustration come out as I mount Drew and use him for release. He smiles, and moans, watching me ride him and holds my hips or occasionally plays with my breasts. I don't have to be as quiet as I normally am, but I don't want to scream out Drew's name either. It's possible Adam or one of the others may come upstairs. So, I bite my lip to stifle my noises.
Fast, hard and dirty is all it is right now, but I release and so does Drew. My brain is no longer thinking as my body convulses in orgiastic euphoria. Drew groans, covering his mouth to stifle the sound and I collapse on his chest. I'm breathless now but the release, both physical and chemical, did a lot to improve my mood. I lie on Drew's chest, feeling his heartbeat, listening to his breaths, wrapped in his arms and I'm content.
"We should get downstairs," I remark, after a few minutes.
"Yeah, probably," Drew agrees.
We get up and get dressed again, I freshen up in the washroom, with the door open. Drew sprays some air freshener in the room. When we're satisfied there's no sign as to what we were doing we return downstairs.
"You okay?" Adam questions as we join them on the sofa.
"I feel better after that," I grin looking at Drew. He coughs a little and clears his throat, covering himself by pretending he choked on his own saliva. Though Adam is still giving him a look, and possibly suspects something more happened upstairs.
