I sigh as I gather my books after class. There's no fencing class today, so I don't have that to distract me. Sometimes it comes out of the blue missing my mother, other times it creeps up gradually.
I'm not sure I should talk to Ladybug about it, she's been so distracted lately. Plus, she's been hanging out with Rena Rouge most of the time these days. Do I sound jealous? Yes, I am. Because I miss the days when it was just me and my partner having fun or defeating a villain.
You think I'd be used to missing Mother, but its like a thorn in my side. I was closer to Mother then Father anyway, and now that distance is as wide as a ocean.
When someone retreats into their shell, it's hard to open them again. It's a defense, because once you let your emotions spill out, its hard to swim back to the surface and fresh air.
I walk down the steps of school, and decide to walk through a small garden. Its pretty and quiet here, and there's a riot of color.
Some marigolds line the path, and sit down to look at them. Huh. Marigold. Could this be a new nickname for my best friend, Marinette? I already have a couple of nicknames for her. Princess, Mari, why not add Mari-gold to the list.
Well, she is as good as gold. I don't know what it is about her but she has a very calming presence. You 'd think being Cat Noir/Adrien I would have lots of friend, but that's not the case.
I didn't start having friends until high school, being home schooled most of my life. That and my parents kept me really sheltered.
I don't understand people who have a lot of friends, because I rather have one or two good ones. How do you get to know someone personally, when you have lots of people knocking at the door.
Also, I'm not one who just lets you into my thoughts. That is earned with trust. My journal that I keep by bed should feel really proud in this moment, because I tell it everything.
It's different with Marinette, she gets me. But not when I'm Adrien, which is so frustrating! I know I'm in love with her, so why do I keep calling her "just a friend". She's not! She's wonderful, but because of my shyness, I'm more comfortable around her (so far) as Cat Noir.
Yes, I'm shy. But would you be if you lived on your own, with hardly any friends for most of your life?
High school is a whole new world, wondering if you done the right thing?
Mari doesn't judge me, she cares about me. At the Dupain-Cheng there's that warm, comfortable feeling at being at home.
There's a big difference between my house (which is the Agreste mansion) and her small apartment.
Most of my house, expect for my room is strictly black and white. No other colors. Was it always like that? Or are those memories to painful to bring to the surface?
Anyway, its a different story at Marinette's. Pretty and pink, with various shades of white. Now, loud pink is not really my color, all shocking and vibrant.
But the pink on the wall is soft and calming saying, "you are welcome here." Its very calming, and with the daily thoughts and emotions that swirl inside my mind, I need a respite from the storm. It also describes Marinette, though lately I've noticed when Marinette wears pink, its usually mixed in with polka dots.
As for the white, its such a pretty color. It adds freshness to the apartment, and you know once you walk through the door, you'll have fun here.
I stare at my reflection in the water, the blue water shimmering. As Cat Noir I have freedom, but the Adrien in me is still trying to break free and find my true self. You'd think one part of me would be Cat Noir, silly and playful, devoted to his partner.
But for now, that has changed, for right now Ladybug doesn't seem to need me, but Marinette does. Even though I know most of her thoughts, I see even she too keeps secrets.
I have to work up the courage to hang out with Mari as Adrien, and be comfortable without a mask. Do you have a security blanket at home, because that's what sometimes my mask feels like.
No one knows who you are, so if you make a mistake, no one knows. Even though I am one person, sometimes I feel like two.
I walk deeper into the woods, and again more marigolds. Maybe I should pick one to put on Mother's statue, cause this flower seems to be calling me.
A gentle brook is nearby, and I follow its sound, like MultiMouse, following the Piped Piper. We all have a little river inside us, for we do not know sometimes if we are coming or going. This brook knows though, and it travels swiftly, not wasting a moment.
I stare at my reflection wavering on the water, half Adrien, half Cat Noir. Though with the sun peeking in and out of clouds, sometimes my black Cat Noir suit looks white.
Could this be the secret Ladybug is hiding from me? The reason she won't let us share our identities? But when was I ever a white cat? Let me see, in French, that's...Cat Blanc?
I feel my head go heavy for a moment, like it is underwater. Suddenly as it comes, it is gone. I realize I'm holding two flowers.
I smile to myself. One I'll give to my mother, cause I think of her often, and she loved flowers. The other I shall give to Marinette, I will text her soon.
Maybe she'd like to go out for frozen yogurt. Mari-gold, I love the name. Her smile is like sunshine, her calmness like the rain.
I walk out of the forest, flowers in hand. Amazing, how giving some flowers to people you love will cheer you up.
