Chapter 8 Forgiveness
A/N: Edited and revised May 2021
Apparently, hearing that her new husband was her prophesied doom was too much. Merlin froze, clutching Morgana's limp form to his chest, unable to comprehend why his heart was pounding and his limbs were trembling.
"Morgana?!" he asked, trying to clear her messy hair from her face so that he could assess her condition. In his panic, he hadn't realized that everyone else in the room had stood up. Gaius made his way around the table and tried to lean Morgana back into her seat, and was shocked when Merlin refused to release her.
"I need to check her, Merlin," Gaius soothed in his most gentle healer's tone. The warlock nodded numbly and allowed Gaius to check Morgana over.
"What's wrong with her Gaius?" Merlin asked anxiously.
"She just had a severe shock, my boy," Gaius soothed. "She's dehydrated and malnourished. We need to get her back to my chambers."
At the physician's words, Gwen jumped into action.
"Leon, Percival, you're going to need to help Gaius get Morgana to his chambers," the queen began. "Gwaine, Elyan, you need to go ahead and make sure the corridors are clear. Arthur, you need to get Merlin there, I think he's in shock himself. I'll go ahead and get some things prepared for Gaius."
Arthur looked at Merlin, seeing what his wife had. Merlin was staring at Morgana as though in a daze, his eyes glassy and unfocused. The warlock was probably still recovering from the night before, the king mused.
As one, everyone moved, following Gwen's instructions without protest. The knights made quick work of moving their group to the physician's chambers. Percival moved swiftly with Morgana cradled in his arms, and he couldn't help but think of the time he had carried Merlin in this manner after the Dorocha. Leon moved just ahead of him, blocking anyone's view should they happen upon someone, but Gwaine and Elyan had done their job well. Finally the physician's chamber came into view and they moved through the door Gwaine and Elyan had opened just moments before.
"Lay her on the bed," Gaius instructed as he and Gwen worked together at the workbench. Just as Percival obeyed Gaius' instruction, Arthur came into the room, ushering in Merlin, who still looked numb.
The physician had made quick work of coaxing the unconscious woman to swallow several spoonfuls of broth, followed by a few nutritive potions of his own concoction, which helped Morgana's coloring immensely.
"Will she be alright?" Merlin asked, starting to feel antsy now that he could see the improvement in her condition.
"With a little rest and more to eat, she should be right as rain," Gaius promised his ward. Merlin however, was another story altogether.
"You lot should return to your duties," Arthur murmured, looking at each of his knights in turn. They took one last look at Merlin and nodded reluctantly, filing out the door.
"Take care of Merlin, Arthur," Gwaine said. It was a testament to their bond as brother's that Arthur didn't balk at being given an order by one of his knights.
"I will," the king promised, shutting the door and drawing the bolt to prevent anyone from just wandering in. Arthur joined Gwen at the workbench, awed at her skill, her humble nature, and her willingness to work, even dressed in her finest gown.
"He needs you," Gwen murmured, directing Arthur's gaze to the warlock who was now pacing and fidgeting the way he had when he and Morgana had been separated earlier. Arthur placed a kiss on her brow and moved towards Merlin, who was moving around Gaius and the patient's cot like a buzzing bee.
"Merlin, if you don't sit down and move out of my way, I will give you a sleeping draught," Gaius said, his patience running out.
"Come here, Merlin, sit," Arthur ordered. The manservant came to him without question, a minor miracle as far as Arthur was concerned.
Merlin obediently sat in the chair, which lasted all of a minute before he stood, ready to start pacing again, when Arthur clamped a hand on both shoulders and made him sit back down.
"Stay," Arthur ordered. Finally, Merlin reacted.
"I'm not one of your dogs, Arthur," he groused.
"Then stop acting like one on the hunt, Merlin," the king replied, keeping his hands firmly planted on the warlock's shoulders. They stayed like that for a few hours, Gwen helping Gaius prepare broth and potions as they traded off at the workbench and at the bedside until the sun started to get low in the sky.
"The both of you really ought to go to your own chambers and rest," Gaius advised, knowing that the king and queen couldn't stay there all night. Not if they wanted to keep Morgana's presence quiet.
"You need help," Gwen argued, but Gaius just shook his head.
"She's stable, Merlin can help if I need him to, and you need to rest as well," Gaius reasoned, looking to where Arthur was practically asleep standing up.
"Of course," Gwen agreed, moving to Arthur's side and ushering him out of the room to their own chambers.
Gaius breathed a sigh of relief at the momentary stillness. Then Merlin began pacing again.
The quiet stillness of night seemed thick and heavy to the young warlock pacing the physician's quarters. He wasn't even sure why he was so anxious; surely he wasn't so emotionally invested in Morgana already? Or was this from the dragonfasting and not a real emotion of his own? Whatever the reason, Merlin's mind was whirling and he couldn't relax even though he had been awake for close to a full twenty-four hours. Gaius looked at the anxious warlock and sighed.
"You're going to put a rut in my floor," he chided. Merlin stopped and looked up at his foster-father.
"Sorry, Gaius. It's just that it's been nearly twelve hours since Morgana collapsed. Are you sure there's nothing I can do?" Merlin asked, glancing at Morgana's still, sleeping form on the patient's bed.
"Sit down and rest, Merlin, you look ready to collapse."
"But what's wrong with her?"
Gaius fixed Merlin with a fatherly look and gave him a gentle smile. "Merlin, she received a great shock, on top of being exhausted, dehydrated, and poorly nourished. She's probably not been eating very well since, well..."
"Since we took back Camelot."
"I dare say, you're taking this rather harder than I thought you would. Why is that, I wonder?" Gaius asked, a gentle smile on his face.
"Why shouldn't I? I would be heartless if I didn't care. We were good friends at one time."
"Of course," Gaius agreed, though Merlin could hear the disbelief in the physician's tone.
"I don't love her, Gaius. Not yet, anyways."
"Do you think it possible that you will, eventually?" the physician asked, his brow furrowed as he contemplated the consequences of his ward being unable to love his partner in life.
"I have to hope so, don't I? She's irrevocably my wife now, Gaius! What else is there for me to do?" Merlin asked desperately.
"Unfortunately, there is little you can do at the moment. For now, you can rest, my boy. She'll still be here in the morning and you can think more about it then. Sleep," Gaius ordered. Merlin nodded reluctantly and commandeered Gaius' bed in order to remain within view of Morgana.
As Merlin lay there, trying to calm his anxious mind and body, he returned to contemplating just where his emotions were coming from. Was he feeling some suppressed affection that he had buried when Morgana turned away from them? Was this urge to protect her an instinct of his magic, responding to Morgana's own magic? Was this something that he was doing of his own volition, or was he once again a puppet in the cruel hands of fate?
Merlin tried his best to put his unanswerable questions from his mind, but only succeeded in vividly recalling the moment in the council room when Morgana's eyes had rolled back into her head and she had collapsed into his arms.
Taking a deep breath, Merlin tried once more to settle into Gaius' bed more comfortably, pushing all the anxiety and memories from his mind. It had been a long day after an eventful night and now that Merlin was lying still, the exhaustion suddenly hit him full-force, pulling him into a deep, restful sleep.
Gaius smiled at the sound of his ward's gentle snores, grateful for the peace and quiet. Standing carefully so as to not make any loud noise, he went up the stairs and borrowed his ward's bed for a few hours of rest.
Merlin, however, soon began to dream. He found himself back at the lake, only this time, the water was as firm as glass, reflecting the world around it like the most flawless mirror. He eased himself closer, hoping to see what would be reflected for him. There were cloudy specters swirling across the surface as he approached, whirling and shifting until they coalesced into hazy but distinct images. Merlin was eerily reminded of the times he had seen the future within the Crystal of Neahtid and again within the Crystal Cave itself.
Suddenly visible in the glassy water was a slightly older version of Merlin himself. He was wearing nicer clothes, and there was just the slightest sign of age around the eyes. Most surprising of all was the child in his arms. A dark-haired boy of about five, giggling as future-Merlin tickled his tummy. Future-Morgana smiled adoringly at the pair and her Merlin smiled back, reaching out to caress her belly, rounded with another child. Then the scene changed, morphing into a springtime picnic. Future-Merlin was sitting on a blanket beside future-Morgana. Slightly older versions of Arthur and Gwen sat with them, laughing at a group of blonde and black-haired children in the distance. Merlin smiled as he too watched the children playing king-of-the-hill with Percival as a veritable mountain while Gwaine, Elyan and Leon laughed.
The visions shown on the lake's surface were so very happy. The experience was altogether much more pleasant than any other he'd ever had while being shown the future. Merlin gasped when he saw an image of Morgana looking at him with pure love before giving her Merlin an intensely passionate kiss. Merlin fell to his knees on the shore at the sight, utterly floored by how much he wanted this future.
Open your heart, Merlin. It is my desire to see you happy...
Merlin gasped as he recalled Freya's words from the last time he had seen her. It seemed like so long ago now, so much had happened. When Arthur had told him just that morning that he was now inexplicably married to Morgana, he had thought that it was some sort of mistake. Or that fate had tempted him with the possibility of something good before cruelly snatching the chance away before Merlin had even had the opportunity to experience it.
Now, seeing these images, he felt a wellspring of hope in his heart once more. Was it possible to foster such a great love from the seeds of redemption and forgiveness?
"Merlin," a voice called, causing him to spin around and clamber to his feet.
"Who's there?" he called, seeing no one.
"Hello Merlin," Freya said, coalescing into a transparent silhouette beside him.
"Are you real?" Merlin asked, confused. Any other time he had seen Freya at the lake, she had seemed solid and real, but bound to the waters of the lake. This Freya was standing on the shore next him, as insubstantial as the images in the glassy water.
"I'm as real as you make me," Freya laughed.
"So I'm dreaming, then?"
"Where does the mind wander when one sleeps?"
"I'm not dreaming?"
"You are what you make of things," Freya said.
"You're making as much sense as the dragon," Merlin complained. Freya laughed.
"Is this the future? How is this even possible after all that Morgana and I have done to one another? We have tried to kill each other! She hates me, not to mention that she's terrified of me!"
"Hate often stems from fear. You said yourself that Morgana has no need to fear you any longer."
"Is this what waits for us, then?" Merlin asked hopefully, pointing over his shoulder at the lake-mirror.
"The future is what you make of it."
"What does that mean?"
"You make your future, Merlin; you may have a destiny, but it is wrapped in layers of choices. There is more than one way to fulfill a destiny, after all. Could you not have let Uther Pendragon die many years ago and put Arthur on the throne as your puppet? In the most basic sense, it would have satisfied the elements of the ancient prophecies. But you decided how to fulfill your destiny on your own terms. If you want this happiness, you must work for it the same way."
"Wait!" Merlin shouted as Freya and the mountain lake dissolved into darkness. "Wait!"
"What in blazes are you going on about Merlin? Wait for what?"
Merlin wrenched his eyes open, startled to see Arthur hovering over him. The warlock looked around him, disoriented.
"I just had the strangest dream. At least, I think it was a dream." Merlin's eyes widened and he put a hand to his forehead in confusion as he woke further. He shook his head to dispel his sleepiness and the odd feeling left behind as the dream faded.
"Is Morgana awake?" he asked, turning towards the patient bed, only to find it empty.
"Yes, Gwen is helping her get changed in your room."
"How is she?" Merlin asked.
"Guinevere's just lovely," Arthur teased, knowing who exactly Merlin was asking after, but unable to resist.
"Thanks, Arthur, but I wasn't asking about your wife, I was asking about mine," Merlin groused, surprised at the ease with which he had just referred to Morgana as his wife. Arthur grinned cheekily in response, opening his mouth to retort.
"She will be fine," Gaius interjected, handing Merlin a hunk of bread and a lump of hard cheese for breakfast. The warlock took them gratefully and smiled at Gaius. A moment later, the door to Merlin's room opened and Gwen emerged.
"Morgana would like to talk to you, Merlin."
"I'll be right there," Merlin promised, standing up and walking towards the small bedroom with his breakfast in hand.
"Good luck," the queen murmured, squeezing Merlin's shoulder in support as they passed one another.
"Thanks."
Merlin walked through the door, latching it behind him with a distinct click.
"What is happening to us, Merlin?" Morgana asked without hesitation from where she sat in the high window sill, her back to the door as she gazed out over the city.
"I'm not entirely sure."
"You're Emrys," Morgana stated.
"I am," Merlin confirmed softly, climbing up onto the table below the window and leaning beside her. He offered her half of the bread and cheese and was inwardly triumphant when she accepted them without hesitation. Merlin smiled and they began to eat.
"I was told that you were my destiny and my doom," Morgana said a moment later, looking at Merlin for the first time. He shrugged.
"And I've been told that you are the darkness to my light and the hatred to my love."
"Love?" Morgana scoffed. "Can you honestly tell me that you have loved me these last few years?"
"Honestly?" Merlin asked. "No, I can't say that. But I can't say that I hated you."
"I hated you," Morgana whispered, causing Merlin's heart to clench.
"Hated, not hate?" Merlin whispered back hopefully.
"Honestly?" Morgana repeated his earlier question, looking at Merlin again. He gave a small, humorless smile, tilting his head in invitation. Morgana looked down at the crust of bread in her hands. "No, I can't say that I hate you anymore."
"That's a start at least," Merlin said, his natural optimism surfacing as he recalled the images he had seen in his dream.
"I was told once that our destinies are forever intertwined. That is more true now than ever. Maybe the doom that the Cailleach was referring to was the enchantment within you that I destroyed. Perhaps I was only destined to destroy your darker persona. You were entirely different to the Morgana I met seven years ago."
"You're not exactly the same Merlin I met then, either," Morgana replied. Merlin shrugged.
"That's true, too," Merlin allowed. "Regardless, neither of us can deny that we're destined to be together now."
"It's not the future I've ever envisioned," Morgana said, eyes fixed on the horizon. "I don't know how to do this."
"Neither do I," Merlin said. "But I will do my best with the situation we're now in, and I have hope."
"Hope?" Morgana asked. Merlin nodded.
"I believe that we can make this work. I was beside myself when you collapsed yesterday, where two days ago I would have celebrated." Morgana glared at him.
"Celebrated?!"
"Sorry, that was harsh. I wouldn't have celebrated. I would have mourned the necessity of hurting you, but acknowledged that it had to happen," he amended.
"Are we just pawns in fate's game then?" Morgana scoffed. "Do we truly have no choices in life?"
Merlin thought back on his dream, and the riddles that his dream-Freya had given him.
"Gaius once told me that the future is still unshaped. That it's we that shape it through our actions and our decisions," Merlin said.
"And you believe that?" Morgana asked.
"I do believe that. We all of us have choices. I could have walked away from my destiny years ago. Almost did, in fact. Or I could have done things differently. Chosen other methods. You know that I'm powerful enough; I could have put Arthur on the throne years ago and pushed a magic agenda."
"Why didn't you? You could have let someone else kill Uther if you couldn't stomach it," Morgana asked. Merlin's expression grew sad at the hint of the angry young woman Morgana had been before the enchantment.
"That wouldn't have helped Arthur to be the man, the king, that he has since grown into. It would have been a hollow victory, trading one group's persecution and misery for another's. I have no interest in pulling the strings to a puppet. What would I be if I had? I would be Uther in different clothes."
"No, you would have been Morgause," Morgana whispered, her heart breaking at the thought of what her sister had done to her.
"Perhaps," Merlin allowed. "I have made peace with the choices that I have made in the past. And I choose to move forward with hope in what we've been given. That's not Fate's choice, but mine."
"Are you saying that you would have chosen me to be your wife if given the option?" Morgana asked. Merlin snorted.
"If you had asked me that a few days ago, I would have wondered who had bashed you in the head."
"And now?"
"Now? Maybe I didn't exactly wake up two days ago with the intention of marrying you, but I'd like to think that I can choose to make the most of our situation. I can choose to do my best to be there for you, in the way that I should have been a long time ago."
"You admit that you should have told me about your magic?" Morgana asked, triumphant yet doubtful.
"You don't know how much I wanted to tell you. Gaius and Kilgharrah both kept warning me that it was a bad idea. It was one of the worst disagreements that Gaius and I ever had."
"Why does Gaius hate me?" Morgana whispered, tears welling in her eyes. Merlin shook his head.
"Gaius does not and has not ever hated you," Merlin denied.
"He hid my magic from me, all the while he was teaching you."
"Gaius was trying to protect you. Try to remember that he was there at the beginning of the purge. He's witnessed more deaths than either of us can even comprehend."
"Yet he still did nothing."
"Not true," Merlin defended. "He's helped scores of people flee from Uther's rage, my own father included, but he's one man. If he had opposed Uther then he would have been killed and he wouldn't have been able to help all those that he has over the years."
"And Kilgharrah?" Morgana asked.
"He has said that you were dangerous and couldn't be trusted, and that if I wanted to protect Arthur and Camelot, I should let you die. I believe he foresaw your actions of the last few years. But I don't think that he saw or understood everything. Kilgharrah is incredibly old and wise, but I think that his captivity and his hatred for Uther blinded him to many things."
"Those are fine words, Merlin, but you can't possibly understand how I felt. I was so scared. I thought that I was turning into a monster and that the very man who professed to love me like a daughter would burn me for it."
"I understand being afraid of yourself. I understand feeling like a monster; like a freak. Why do you think I didn't fit in in Ealdor? The others in the village may not have known for certain that I had magic, but they knew there was something different about me. One of the old men in the village told me that I was a demon's bastard who should burn in hell when I was just six years old."
"At least your village wouldn't have been so quick to kill you if they had found out about your magic. I was sure to be executed if my own father discovered me before I learned to control my gift," Morgana argued.
"Don't be so sure, Morgana. Uther loved you, despite his hatred for magic," Merlin soothed.
"Uther's love was no comfort, more like oppression. I was so confused, and Morgause was the only one who accepted who and what I am. And yet she turned me into the very monster that I feared. My own sister?! How can I trust anyone ever again?!"
"You can trust me," Merlin argued.
"Trust you? The one who lied to me repeatedly?"
"That's not fair. I was scared, too. It's hard to tell someone that you are basically illegal just for existing."
The pair sat in silence for a few minutes, watching the busy courtyard below the window, slowly eating their meager meal. Finally, Morgana looked at Merlin and cleared her throat.
"You truly regret poisoning me?" Morgana asked in a whisper as tears rolled down her cheeks. Merlin nodded, his eyes welling with his own tears.
"I've regretted it every day since. I had nightmares about poisoning you for weeks afterwards. I didn't know if you had lived or died. Then we started looking for you, and I felt so guilty every time we went out and came home without you. We all missed you..." Merlin trailed off into silence, allowing Morgana to wipe her tears without comment.
"I believe you. And I suppose... I choose to forgive you," Morgana offered, meeting Merlin's eyes briefly before looking down into her lap.
"Thank you," Merlin whispered, a great weight lifting from his heart.
"What do we do now?" she murmured, looking away from the window and into Merlin's questioning eyes. "Am I still destined to be the hatred and the darkness in this game of fate's?"
"Not if you don't want to be," Merlin said, shrugging. "I say we just make the best of what we've been given. For better or worse, I am your husband and you are my wife. Even more mind-boggling, if we ever want to spend more than twenty minutes apart, one day we may have a child. Our destinies are forever altered; so we'll make our own future. You decide, Morgana, how good and loving or dark and hateful you are. Not even fate can make you something you don't want to be. We have a choice before us now, Morgana, and I choose to try."
"I suppose that's the best we can do for now. Try."
"Thank you," Merlin said earnestly. Then he smiled mischievously. "You realize that Arthur and Gwen are listening at that door, right?" he asked mentally, then held a finger to his lips. Morgana looked at him in confusion.
"We need to discuss where we're going to stay from now on, since we can't tolerate to let the other of us out of our sight and my room is rather small for two people," he said aloud, then he looked at the doorway and whispered, "ic i ætýne!"
The slatted-wood door flew open, dumping Arthur, Gwen and surprisingly, Gaius in an undignified heap into the room.
"Merlin!" Gaius scolded. "What have I said about using your magic for tricks?"
"I'm not sure, Gaius, I think I must have missed that lesson somewhere along with the do-not-eavesdrop lecture," Merlin said cheekily.
"We were just trying to make sure you were alright," Gwen reassured them guiltily. Merlin and Morgana both raised their eyebrows at the trio.
"What did you expect? Two days ago you were ready to take each other's heads off, now you're planning common sleeping arrangements! We're only trying to look out for the both of you!" Arthur argued, helping Gwen and Gaius to their feet.
"Of course, sire," Merlin snickered. "We're grateful that you care so much."
"Merlin?"
"Shutting up, sire," Merlin answered jauntily.
As it was, it had been a very good job that Gwen had been listening. The queen very sensibly took charge and had led them to Morgana's old chambers that had been left unused ever since Morgana had left Camelot with an injured Morgause. Fewer people ventured into Morgana's old wing of the royal bed chambers as compared to the physician's quarters, thus there would be less chance of someone stumbling upon Morgana until they revealed her presence in Camelot.
So it was that Merlin gathered his meager belongings from his room in Gaius' quarters and prepared to move his things into his new chambers with his wife.
"What are those?!" Morgana asked as Merlin pried up the loose floorboard and collected his Sidhe staff and his magic book and the little carved dragon.
"My magic book," Merlin said, offering the book to Morgana, who took it eagerly.
"It's beautiful," Morgana breathed, eagerly leafing through the pages.
"You have a magic book hidden in your floorboards?!" Arthur asked incredulously.
"I couldn't very well keep it on the desk," Merlin replied. The king rolled his eyes.
"It's a wonder you're still alive," Arthur grumbled. Gaius nodded his agreement.
"And this?" Morgana asked, eying the staff with respect.
"A Sidhe staff, I acquired it when I defeated the Sidhe guardian of Princess Elena."
"Princess Elena had a Sidhe guardian?!" Gwen exclaimed. Merlin nodded, shrugging.
"Elaina was a changeling."
"A changeling?" Gwen asked, her eyes wide. Arthur, who had heard this story at the druid gathering, shook his head.
"You really don't want to know."
"You defeated a Sidhe?!" Morgana asked, finally finding her voice after her shock abated.
"Yes," Merlin shrugged. Morgana's eyebrow rose, looking at Merlin assessingly once more.
"Impressive," she admitted, turning her attention to the magical object in Merlin's hand.
"It's so powerful," Morgana said, running her hands down the staff. "I can sense the magic within it, but it doesn't quite feel like magic as I know it."
"It wouldn't," Merlin explained. "Sidhe magic is elemental; they draw their power from Avalon itself."
"Yes, that must be what I'm feeling," Morgana mused. "They must have used this stone at the top to anchor the magic outside of their realm..."
"Yes, I believe so," Merlin agreed, then took a breath to continue when Gwen cleared her throat. Both witch and warlock turned to the queen in surprise.
"As fascinating as this no doubt is, we were taking you to your new chambers?"
"Right," Merlin said, grinning sheepishly as he obediently grabbed his herb bag and put his most treasured possessions within. Morgana pouted as the magic book was tucked away into the bag and the staff wrapped in a blanket. It was such a familiar expression, one they hadn't seen in a long time. Gwen smiled the widest she had in days, her heart soaring with hope.
Within the hour, Merlin was at work removing dust cloths, straightening things, and freshening the sheets on the bed while Gwen and Morgana sorted through some old gowns that had been left behind in the wardrobe, untouched since Morgana had last lived in Camelot.
"This is great and all, but where am I going to sleep?" Merlin asked, turning in a circle as he took in the room around him.
"In the bed?" Gwen asked.
"We can't share a bed!" Merlin and Morgana protested together before turning to look at each other in surprise.
"Why not?" Arthur asked. "You are married."
"Yes, and it was a complete surprise between two people who have been rather at odds with one another for more than three years," Merlin argued.
"You could sleep in the servant's antechambers," Gwen offered. "I spent many a night there, you would be plenty comfortable."
"I don't believe that would be close enough," Morgana said.
"That will only get us itchy," Merlin agreed.
"Very well," Arthur said, moving over to the alcove beside the bed where the windows stood, covered in heavy velvet drapes. "We'll move the cot from the antechamber right here."
Merlin nodded his head in relief. He and Morgana were resigned to the necessity of sharing space, but they were nowhere near ready to share a bed, even just for sleep. Merlin was fully aware of that fact and refused to be ashamed of it.
"Merlin, I think you should send for your mother. I think it might help you as things are brought to light to have Hunith here," Gwen admitted as they were getting things situated. Merlin stiffened as he finished tucking the fresh sheets around the large feather mattress. He suddenly stood straight and with wide eyes, spun to face Guinevere.
"I'm going to be in so much trouble," Merlin said, then clapped a hand over his mouth.
"You're a grown man, Merlin, I think you'll survive the trauma," Morgana said dryly. Merlin shook his head and dropped his hand.
"You don't understand, my mother's number one rule was to keep the magic secret and when I left for Camelot, she added don't get married without telling me."
"You can't be serious," Gwen laughed.
"Perhaps there were a few rules in between those two, but my mother has always wanted to see me get married since she never got married herself. I think I'll give us a few weeks to settle before I tell her anything."
"I cannot believe this. Merlin, you're the most powerful warlock to ever walk the earth, and you're afraid of Hunith?" Morgana asked in disbelief. Merlin snorted.
"My mother walked all by herself from Ealdor to Camelot to come for me. After Kanen hit her because she stood up to him and refused to let him starve her village. And did you see the way my mother took down some of Kanen's men? She is fierce!"
"That's very true, I wouldn't cross Hunith willingly," Gwen agreed. Arthur nodded, remembering the gentle but fierce woman.
"Besides that," Merlin added, "She raised me without a single bit of her own magic. I'm not ashamed to admit that that was no small task!"
"Bit of a terror, were you?" Gwen laughed, though her eyes widened in alarm when Merlin nodded sheepishly and explained.
"I set things on fire before I was an hour old, levitated and moved things around before I could talk, and manipulated time before I was three! She had to keep me in line through sheer strength of will and ample use of guilt. If I had been so inclined, there's no way she could have physically stopped me."
Morgana's eyes widened and her face paled.
"My mother has a temper when she's upset," Merlin continued. "You should have seen how angry she got when she realized Will knew about my magic. Scolded me for a full twenty minutes and sent me straight off to Gaius!"
Gwen and Morgana gaped at Merlin as he caught his breath after his rant. Morgana had heard very little after Merlin had described what he had done at such a young age. It was almost unfathomable, what Hunith had accomplished entirely on her own, and in secret. Morgana shook her head and forced herself back to the task at hand.
"Merlin? Our children had better take after me and not come into their magic until they're older," Morgana grumbled absentmindedly as she pulled another gown from the wardrobe and studied it distractedly.
Merlin's face reddened at the implications of having children with Morgana, but it brought his dream to mind and caused his heart to swell with cautious hope. He wasn't entirely sure how aware Morgana was of what she had just said, but he took it as a good sign. Gwen turned to Arthur, amused to see a similar expression of shocked amusement on his face.
"We can only hope," the king said, wrapping his queen in a hug and only just keeping his eyes dry.
Gwaine and Elyan surprised the four of them an hour later with trays laden with food.
"Leon and Perce are handling training for the newest recruits, Arthur," Elyan said, answering the king's raised eyebrow.
"You're bringing me a meal? I could get used to this," Merlin joked as the knights laid their trays on the table.
"Couldn't let the king's new brother starve now, could we?" Gwaine replied, laughing at Merlin's shocked expression.
"It takes a while to get used to," Elyan offered, sharing a knowing look with the warlock.
"That it does," Merlin agreed.
"Shut up and eat," Arthur interjected, much to Merlin's delight. The six of them made quick work of the meal, making light conversation. Merlin could tell that Gwen was doing her best to include Morgana in what was being discussed, as did he. Arthur, Gwaine and Elyan made an effort as well, but Merlin could tell that it was awkward for them. Not long ago, they wouldn't have hesitated before attacking her, and she them, so Merlin appreciated their efforts.
Before too long, Arthur leaned back in his seat and sighed.
"I don't suppose I have to remind you that you must remain in these chambers?" Arthur asked, looking at Morgana questioningly.
"Am I under arrest, then?" Morgana asked, her eyes blazing at the memories of all the times Uther had locked her in her room.
"You know it's not like that," Arthur replied, no heat in his tone.
"Isn't it?" Morgana retorted, old irritations surfacing at the situation.
"No, it isn't," Arthur replied. "I will remind you that these are very special circumstances. I would be fully within my rights to put you in the dungeon."
"Arthur!" Merlin protested, though Arthur silently held up a hand, calming the warlock instantly.
"Morgana, I fully understand that what has happened in these last few years wasn't you. That you were enchanted. I know that here," he said, pointing at his head. "Slowly, I am learning that here," Arthur finished, laying his hand over his heart.
"For Merlin's sake?" Morgana asked, her voice calmer.
"At first, yes. But I've seen the girl I once knew in the woman before me now. I am trying for both of your sakes. "
"The same goes for me," Gwaine said, looking at Morgana with a stoic expression. "Merlin's my friend. Now you're his wife, for better or worse. That dragon seemed to think you were just fine. I'm willing to give you a chance."
"And I," Elyan added.
"You know that I'm here for the both of you," Gwen said, looking at Merlin and Morgana in turn. "We just ask you to be patient."
"You have my solemn vow that I am not keeping you here to punish you. I just have to smooth the way before we can reveal your presence here."
Morgana nodded and sat back in her seat, allowing her temper to cool.
"How will we get our meals? Our laundry?" Merlin asked, ever the practical servant.
"You're still free to move about the castle, Merlin, in fact, it would not be good for you to just disappear. You'll just have to be quick about it. None of your usual lollygagging."
"Lollygagging?!" Merlin protested. Arthur grinned.
"Bring Morgana's laundry to me," Gwen offered. "No one will question a few extra gowns in my basket."
"Right then. I promise, you will be free, the both of you," Arthur repeated his words from before. "However, I have a council meeting this afternoon that I've been delaying since we got back that I absolutely cannot ignore any longer."
"I should attend with you," Gwen offered. "If you're reporting on your meeting with the druids, then I wish to support you in any way I can."
"Yes, though I won't be telling them everything, just yet. We've research to do and plans to make before the council can know what truly happened this week."
Merlin snorted, "I'm not sure they'll be ready to hear the whole story anytime soon."
"No, but they will, Merlin. You won't be hiding forever, I promise," Arthur said. Merlin smiled in thanks.
"I know," he replied. Arthur offered his former manservant one of his rare genuine smiles.
"Idiot."
"Prat."
"Boys," Gwen scolded, even as she smiled at the pair of them.
"We should be off, too," Elyan said, gesturing to himself and his fellow knight. "We have a patrol this afternoon."
"It won't be nearly as interesting as the last one, though," Gwaine chuckled dryly, raising an eyebrow in Merlin and Morgana's direction.
"Ha ha," Merlin said, smiling at his friends. "Thank you, all of you."
"Yes, thank you," Morgana added, her voice soft. Merlin smiled at another sign of his old friend returning.
Merlin shut the door behind the four of them, and the sound echoed rather loudly in the sudden quiet. Turning around and taking in Morgana standing beside the table, Merlin realized that they were alone for the first time. The both of them stared at one another, an awkward silence thick between them.
"What would you like to do?" Merlin asked, finally.
"Can we look at your magic book?" Morgana asked, twisting her hands anxiously.
"Yes," Merlin said, smiling at the request and eagerly retrieving the book from his bag. Setting it on the table between them, they both sat down and began leafing through the delicate pages.
"This has actually been one of the nicest afternoons I've had in a while," Merlin admitted some time later, smiling softly at Morgana.
"I'm sure I could say the same, if I remembered more of the past few years."
"The sun is setting," Merlin said as another awkward silence fell. "I should light the candles."
"Forbearnan," Morgana whispered, lighting the candles from where they sat.
"Right. I can do that now," Merlin chuckled, and Morgana smiled.
"I'm going to change for bed."
"Yes, of course," Merlin said, trying not to gape at her as Morgana moved towards the dressing screen. Soon though, Morgana tossed the dress she had been wearing to lay over the top of the screen and Merlin blushed as he remembered the day he had first met Morgana.
"I'm tired," Morgana said, coming out from behind the screen and standing beside the bed for a moment.
"G-Goodnight," Merlin stammered, watching as Morgana lay down in the bed.
"Goodnight, Merlin," she said.
"Right!" I'll just get changed myself."
A few minutes later, Merlin found himself plumping his pillow and settling into his bed. With a flash of his eyes, the candles were extinguished, and despite the hour not being particularly late, Merlin found himself drifting off rather quickly.
"NO! STOP IT!"
Merlin sat up in a rush, skin tingling oddly, eyes blinking owlishly in the darkness, struggling to understand why he was awake.
"I DON'T WANT TO! MERLIN!"
"Morgana!" Merlin cried, stumbling out of his bed and tripping on the blanket.
"Please, sister, do not do this..." Morgana whimpered.
"Hey, wake up," Merlin said, leaning over the bed and grasping Morgana by the shoulders. Distantly, Merlin realized that the strange tingly sensation that he had felt all over his body stopped as he came into contact with Morgana. With a gentle shake, Morgana's eyes flew open.
"Merlin?!" she gasped, gripping his upper arms in a desperate grip.
"I'm right here," he soothed, rubbing his hands up and down Morgana's arms and reveling in the soothing sensation it caused in him, as well as Morgana, apparently. Touch apparently helped the odd, disjointed feeling that had been building, even though they had been in the same room all day and night.
"You won't let it happen, right?"
"What?! What won't I let happen?""
"Morgause! She- She's going to enchant me, curse me!" Morgana babbled. Understanding dawned as Merlin recalled the numerous times Morgana had awoken, troubled by her prophetic dreams, before Morgause had cursed her.
"Morgana, you're just fine. Morgause is gone. No one is going to curse you any more. That wasn't a vision but a memory. You have nothing to be afraid of."
"A memory?" Morgana asked, grasping Merlin's arms with a white-knuckled grip.
"Just a memory," Merlin reassured her.
"Oh," she said softly, clarity softening her anxious expression.
"Are you ready to go back to sleep?" Merlin asked, pulling back from Morgana.
"Don't leave me," Morgana whispered, not lifting her head from Merlin's shoulder.
"I won't," he promised, taking her hand and weaving their fingers together, preparing to sit up against the headboard for the rest of the night.
Merlin's eyes had just started to droop as the dim grey light of morning filtered through the small gap in the heavy curtains. He was contemplating just lying down and dozing for a spell when Morgana abruptly stood from the bed and disappeared without a word behind the changing screen.
"Morgana?" Merlin asked, now fully awake.
"I'd best get dressed for the day," Morgana said, her voice ringing with a note of false cheer.
"Are you alright?" Merlin asked, bewildered by the change that had come over Morgana.
"Just fine," she said, laying her night clothes over the top of the screen. Merlin swallowed at the memory that suddenly surfaced of the first time he had ever been in these chambers.
"I don't blame you for being unsettled last night, Morgana," Merlin began.
"I said I'm fine," Morgana cut him off sharply.
"Alright, then," Merlin said, standing up and moving to the privacy of his curtained-off alcove to get himself changed. When he emerged a few minutes later, Morgana had still not come out from behind the screen.
"I'm hungry," Morgana said, her voice sounding less firm than she had intended.
"I'll just go get some food, then, shall I?" Merlin offered, darting out the door before Morgana could respond. Momentarily resting his back against the wall a ways down the corridor, Merlin let out a deep sigh.
"That wasn't awkward at all," Merlin mumbled.
"I beg your pardon?"
Merlin startled, turning to see George standing a short distance down the corridor with a breakfast tray. It was clear that he was headed for Arthur and Gwen's chambers.
"Nothing," Merlin answered with a smile, feeling a pang of nostalgia for his old job. His thoughts must have shown on his face, because George suddenly straightened and had a subtle look of superiority.
"I was told you were indisposed," George said, clearly not believing that Merlin was indisposed if he was standing right in front of him.
"I am. Entirely indisposed," Merlin confirmed, then gave George a smile and moved past him determinedly. "Have fun with that!"
Merlin grinned at the disdainful sniff that heralded George's dismissal, then grinned even larger at the thought of Arthur having to put up with the stuffy manservant. Within minutes, Merlin was entering the kitchen, looking around for the head cook.
"Merlin!" one of the kitchen girls called out, delighted to see him.
"Er, hello, Moira, " he said, wondering where Audrey might be.
"Cook's gone to the market," the girl offered.
"Ahh, I see. I need two plates of food?"
"Yes, Cook said you would be collecting plates for a mystery noble who just arrived in Camelot!"
"That's it, yes," Merlin agreed, glad that Gwen at least was thinking ahead and giving him a ready made excuse. Lying on the spot wasn't one of his strong suits. And as it was, he and Morgana were a mystery, so he wasn't even lying.
"I heard they had six white horses and a lovely carriage," another kitchen girl called out. Merlin raised his eyebrow incredulously.
"Really?!" he asked. Where these rumors came from, he didn't know.
"Oh yes, very elegant," the girl replied.
"I don't know about that," another servant chimed in from where she was washing cooking pots. "I heard that they rode in on black horses."
Merlin shook his head, smiling gratefully at Moira when she handed him the tray she just finished preparing.
"Tell us all about the mystery nobles when you come down next, Merlin," she whispered conspiratorially.
"I'll let you know what I find out," Merlin answered, wondering if Morgana would enjoy helping him to invent some ridiculous things for him to pass along. If she was done ignoring him, that is.
"I can't wait to hear it!" Moira said, her voice full of enthusiasm.
"Neither can I!" Merlin called back as he left the kitchen, tray in hand, glad to be on his way back to their rooms. He was starting to itch.
Three weeks later, Merlin was helping Arthur prepare for training under the king's amused eye. The warlock tried to ignore the snickers and the hardly concealed smiles as Merlin scratched or fidgeted or paced about the room.
"What's wrong, Merlin? Bit agitated?" Arthur asked innocently. Merlin glared at the king in response. "There's a cure for that itch, you know," Arthur teased.
"Not having this conversation with you," Merlin retorted, returning to the table to retrieve another piece of armor.
"Eventually, you'll have to spend more than thirty minutes at a time outside her presence, Merlin."
"We're not going to be hasty just because we're a bit inconvenienced."
"You're looking a bit more than inconvenienced, Merlin. You're about to crawl out of your skin!"
"Where's George?! Why couldn't he get you into your armor? I thought I wasn't supposed to do this anymore?"
"You should know why I didn't ask for George, he re-polishes every piece of my armor before and after he puts it on me. I think he believes a fingerprint is going to be the death of me. Don't even get me started on his jokes," Arthur said exasperatedly.
"Please, I wouldn't dream of it. I learned every last one of them when you tortured me with training with him," Merlin complained. Arthur smirked at the memory. Then the king's face fell.
"I'm just trying to see how you're doing," Arthur admitted in a rare moment of utter honesty.
"I'm fine," Merlin said automatically, though he absentmindedly scratched at his chin while he said it. Arthur raised his eyebrow, clearly not believing Merlin.
"Have you written to Hunith yet?" Arthur asked, a touch of glee in his tone.
"Yes. Gaius finally convinced me to send for her," Merlin admitted. Arthur nodded in approval.
"That is good. I've been reviewing laws with Guinevere."
"That sounds dreadfully dull. Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?"
"I've been doing it for you, idiot," Arthur replied. Merlin grinned in response.
"Three and a half weeks ago, I sent out a decree that Druids were no longer banned from the city, and that the penalty for sorcery was no longer death. The response has been largely positive, though there have been one or two complaints from the lords that I am inviting unrest."
"Has there been unrest among the people?"
"There was a tavern brawl," Arthur replied.
"Gwaine?" Merlin asked, though he had little doubt.
"Of course it was Gwaine. He insists that the man was being disorderly and needed to be arrested. The barman of course won't contradict one of my knights, though in Gwaine's defense, Percival did tell me that the man was drunk and ranting something about magic being the death of us all."
"Sounds disorderly to me," Merlin grumbled.
"I agree. However, I'm not so sure that it warranted a tavern brawl."
"If a tavern brawl is the worst of it, I'll take it," Merlin replied.
"True. As it is, I think we're ready. I'm convening the council tomorrow morning to discuss the ban on magic.. I'd like you to be there."
"I'll let Morgana know," Merlin agreed, fastening the last buckle on Arthur's wrist guards and stepping back.
"How are you doing, really?" Arthur asked. "I want you to be honest with me."
"Fine," Merlin answered quickly. "I mean, it's getting there."
"You are a fount of information," Arthur teased. Merlin laughed humorlessly, but relented.
"It is, well, awkward. You know, sharing such a small space with Morgana. There's so much history between us, not all of it good. It's like we take one step forward and two steps back. One minute she's smiling and mentioning our future children and the next she's scowling at me like everything is my fault!"
"Welcome to marriage, Merlin," Arthur laughed. Merlin shook his head and continued.
"She's woken up screaming and crying at the memories resurfacing in her dreams every night that we've been sleeping in our new chambers. She calls for me and clings to me in the night, then pulls away into herself in the morning. We've been reading a lot, and practicing magic, which really helps. But Morgana has taken to ignoring me now and then by sorting through and mending her clothes."
"That doesn't sound so bad. At least she's not violent," Arthur offered. Merlin laughed humorlessly.
"I've had to cast wards around our chambers; Morgana frequently wakes up screaming. I was down in the kitchens the other day when some of the other servants came in, talking about strange noises coming from the royal wing at night. They were pondering whether the ghosts of your parents were haunting the castle for allowing Druids in the city."
"I hope you squashed that rumor," Arthur replied, grimacing.
"Of course I did. But you know how rumors spread amongst the servants. Incorrigible gossips, the lot of us."
"You're not a servant any more, Merlin."
"It's harder than you think to get out of that mindset," Merlin replied. " Besides, it isn't like anyone else treats me any differently, in what short amount of time that I'm able to be out and about in the castle."
"It won't be much longer before we can allow the both of you out, I'm sure," Arthur reassured the warlock. Merlin smiled gratefully, but shook his head.
"We're willing to wait until the time is right. It's just that there's little we can do stuck as we are in our chambers until Morgana can show her face and neither of us have ever done well in close quarters with little to occupy our time. I can at least get out for brief moments, itchy though we may be, but Morgana is going stir crazy. I'm not sure what else to do." Merlin finally fell silent, shocked that he had admitted that much. Telling Arthur about his magic seemed to have opened the floodgates. Arthur was rather surprised as well at the torrent that had come pouring from Merlin's mouth. The king had never heard Merlin speak so much about himself at once.
"Give it time. Isn't that what they say? 'Time heals all wounds?'"
"Well, I wish I could find 'they' and beat them with a stick for not being more helpful," Merlin groused, folding his arms in an effort to keep himself from chewing off his already torn fingernails. Arthur laughed.
"Go back to Morgana, Merlin," Arthur murmured, smiling when Merlin sighed in relief. "Careful, I might think you like her or something."
"Cabbage head," Merlin replied, shaking his head fondly.
"Idiot."
"Go. The knights are waiting."
"So's your wife," Arthur answered as he ducked through the door, pleased to have gotten the last word.
"What did Arthur want?" Morgana asked as soon as Merlin walked in the door to their chambers..
"He said he wanted me to help him into his armor but it was just an excuse."
"An excuse?"
"Yes. Arthur rarely admits to feeling emotions. He always hides his heart behind orders and taunts. You ought to remember that."
"No, I just remember a spoiled bully," Morgana said mulishly.
"I will grant you that when I first met him, Arthur was a spoiled bully and a right prat. But he had already changed a lot before Morgause took you away. You just didn't want to see that Arthur wasn't his father."
Morgana scowled at his blunt honesty, but Merlin was inwardly pleased that her ire was half-hearted and not truly directed at him.
"He wanted to know how we were doing," Merlin said softly, distracting her from her thoughts.
"Ah," Morgana said, looking down at her hands briefly before meeting Merlin's questioning gaze. "I am not sure how much longer I can stay confined to this room. I believe I may yet go mad."
"I'm sorry. I know this has been hard on you," Merlin said, sympathetically. "I know that if I hadn't been able to go and collect our meals and get out, I probably would have done something regrettable with my magic by now."
"What if we went somewhere for a bit? Get out of the city for a while. At least until it gets closer to the time when I can show my face again," Morgana asked.
"Where would we go?" Merlin asked, his brows furrowing in anxious curiosity.
"I would bet that my hovel is still empty," Morgana said, only half facetiously. Merlin raised his eyebrow.
"Are you really that desperate? I've seen that hovel, remember?" Merlin asked worriedly.
"Maybe not quite that desperate, yet," Morgana replied. "But maybe we could head towards Ealdor? Meet your mother along the way?"
"Maybe," Merlin agreed. "We can mention it to Arthur, since he is so curious about how you, and we, are doing."
"And how are we doing?" Morgana asked curiously.
"We're getting there. Eventually," Merlin answered, smiling lightly and holding out his spell book in invitation. Morgana nodded her acceptance and gave a small smile in return as she took a seat at the head of their table. Merlin sat down perpendicular to her and lay the spell book on the corner of the table between them.
Smiling eagerly, Merlin opened the magic book to a random page. Morgana's eyes brightened at the set of spells before them and they began to discuss the different elements to each enchantment. It was one activity they had discovered in their seclusion that didn't devolve into petty bickering and scowls, as they had found they were likely to do, confined in such cramped quarters.
They were learning, slowly but surely, how to share space and cautious, chaste affection with one another. Morgana allowed Merlin to hold her and rock her when she broke down in the night, and it was becoming her habit to take a hold of his upper arm and give it a squeeze whenever he returned to their room. Merlin had pressed a kiss to the top of Morgana's head when he had comforted her the night before, surprising the both of them, though she hadn't protested. But beyond that, they had kept to themselves.
"Why would you cast sċildan instead of scildwiga?" Morgana asked, eyeing the page curiously.
"Sċildan offers a broader range of coverage," Merlin explained. "Scildwiga is usually only good on one or two people. Much harder to protect a large group."
"A large group of knights, you mean?" Morgana asked, raising her eyebrow at Merlin.
"Yes," Merlin admitted, unashamedly.
"What about this one? Bescyldian?" Morgana asked as she leaned in closer to Merlin's side to read the page directly in front of him. As she did so, Morgana slid her right leg behind Merlin's left, pressing her knee into his leg. Merlin absentmindedly shifted in response, hooking his right foot behind her ankle to keep her close.
"That's more of a personal shield. You can't really cover others with that spell," Merlin answered.
"You really don't think about protecting yourself very often, do you?" Morgana asked. Merlin shrugged sheepishly, not even blinking when Morgana's left leg curled around over his own. Only when he tried to turn more towards her did he realize that they had completely woven their legs together, making it impossible to simply shift away from one another. It had been entirely subconscious and Merlin was surprised by how natural and comfortable the intimacy of the position felt. He was even more surprised to realize how good it felt to be so close to Morgana.
However, the moment was broken; Morgana cleared her throat as she pulled back and turned the page to a spell Merlin had really enjoyed learning a couple of years previous. He smiled, eager to discuss this particular section, but his enthusiasm was dampened when a quick knock resounded from the door. They weren't expecting anyone. Usually it was just Gwen who came to visit them and this knock was decidedly firmer than the queen's. Morgana met Merlin's wide eyes and quickly moved to hide in Merlin's alcove behind the curtain while he hastily stood and shut the book. Merlin spun around to face the entryway and sat awkwardly on top of the large tome to hide it just as the door opened.
"Good job, Merlin, that doesn't look suspicious at all," Arthur said sarcastically. Merlin smiled snarkily in return. "The guards at the gate assumed you were with me on the training grounds. So I've brought you a surprise."
"That makes no sense whatsoever, Prat," Merlin drawled as Morgana discretely peeked out from behind the curtain. Arthur smirked.
"Merlin! Is that how you speak to your king?"
Arthur grinned at the way Merlin's face paled at the sound of a very familiar voice and the king stepped aside to reveal Hunith.
"It's your mother!"
A/N: Reviews are appreciated.
