It feels like that again
This is pretty personal. Please be respectful.
The cold tiles in the bathroom - a stark contrast to her burning skin. Her eyes were tired and raw. Slowly, she leaned her head back until it finally rested against the wall behind her. Her short, shallow breaths did nothing to calm her racing heart. Much more, the lack of oxygen caused her heart to try even more desperately to pump air through her body. But all air had gone out of her lungs and any attempt to fill them again seemed futile - an almost unbearable pressure lay on her chest.
Firmly she pressed a hand right over her still racing heart to suppress her rising panic - for minutes hoping it would soon be over. But the tight feeling in her chest did not disappear. Just as her heart, which weighed tons, didn't get lighter, or her head stopped hurting. Much the same as it did back then.
With narrowed eyes, she fought in vain against the tears that threatened to fall. The cool wet that finally did slowly make its way down her cheeks was a welcome contrast on her burning skin. By crouching on the floor for so long, the tingling in her feet dried up and numbness spread through them. Only her chest still rose and fell in twitching movements, making it difficult for her to breathe.
Another sign that she had lost control. Already from the moment she had received the message, she had lost all control not only over her body. Much the same as she had back then.
Life changed from shock to automatism. For outsiders seemingly normal and okay - for her, as if paralyzed and not at all normal or okay. Paralyzed in her helplessness and impotence. As Secretary of State - otherwise one of the most powerful women in the world - she was powerless and unable to do anything. First, because the laws forbade her to, and second, because she couldn't - not anymore.
When she fell asleep in the evening on a pillow drenched in tears, full of exhaustion, and lay awake in the morning hours before the alarm clock rang, silent tears slid down her cheeks and the memories that hurt so much circled around in her head. At some point, because she couldn't stand it any longer, she rose and started the day. Full of numbness, on autopilot, with deep exhaustion and despair in her bones. The pain in her overtired body similar to that in her heart. Much the same as had back then.
The feeling of falling. During the day, as well as at night. To fall, simply into nothingness - into darkness - and to see no ray of light. Surrounded by deep blackness. To have the feeling that someone had pulled the floor out from under her feet.
A fall into nothingness - a fall into infinity. The heart heavy, full of sadness and emotion, a heart weighing a ton, day as well as night. All sense of time had been lost over the last days, weeks, or months. She didn't know how long it had been. She didn't know how long she had been sitting here, she couldn't tell if it had been an hour or four.
Her tears had dried up, what remained were her dried traces, which broke open when she moved her lips. Slowly she lowered her head and bit her lips to stop herself from sobbing. Carefully, she pushed herself off the tiles behind her, not sure if her legs would support her, and straightened up.
The woman facing her in the mirror was broken. Deep circles under her eyes, eyes full of sadness, gaunt than usual, and a face marked by despair and grief. She looked at herself like that for quite a while - miles away in her mind, before she saw him standing in the doorway in the mirror. He was looking at her with a worried look. But she could also see the despair and sadness in his features.
She turned to him very slowly and he came up to her to take her in his arms. In his arms she found refuge, safety, peace and protection. Just as she had so many times before, she broke in his arms. Here she was allowed - Here she could let go. He watched over her and he understood her. He felt with her - just as he had back then.
His hands wrapped around her, one hand in her hair and on the back of her head and the other on her back, he pressed her against him. Let her feel that he was there - that he was there for her. Tears also rose in his eyes and he pressed a kiss on her head and whispered something in her ear. Thereupon she began to sob and now he, too, could no longer hold back his tears.
Like so many other evenings so far, they stood together in her bathroom and held each other. Holding each other so as not to be alone and crying for their child.
