Summary: Freedom is emotionally taxing
A/N: Lots of Severus in this chapter. Hope you all enjoy.
Chapter 16
Severus sat in bed reading The Prophet. It was a special edition outlining the trial that had been held for him that morning. According to Rita Skeeter, he was now a free man. Relief flooded him as he leaned against the headboard and sighed. It was over. He cursed himself because tears were forming in his eyes. He wasn't a man who cried… often. But yet the tears came. He put his hand up to his eyes and squeezed them shut forcing the tears out with his fingers. They leaked out, and he wiped them from his cheeks. Despite his wanting to stop, they just kept coming.
He gasped as he was flooded with relief. Voldemort was dead. Dumbledore was dead. He was free from his two masters and could live his life as he wanted. He hadn't been free to make his own decisions since he'd taken the Mark.
He extended his left arm and traced the area where it had been. Unlike the last time Voldemort had been vanquished, there was no trace of the Mark on his arm anymore. It was as pristine as it had been before he'd made the worst decision of his life. His fingers ghosted over his arm again, and he smiled.
"I'm free," he whispered.
Severus closed his eyes as he took his time processing all of it. His feelings had been bottled up within him for years, and it was painful letting them come forward, but it was important that he do that.
His fists clenched as he thought of his life, especially these last few years. He'd lived in constant fear, always masking it with sourness or indifference. It had been horrible. He grimaced in misery as he relived much of what he'd been through. An anguished cry escaped from him as he leaned forward and laid his head in his hands. He groaned in anguish as he came to grips with all of it.
"It's finally over…" he murmured to the empty room. "I can move on. I can have a real life where no one tells me what to do or think."
His hands dropped down beside him. He sighed in relief and took several deep breaths, trying to calm himself. In retrospect, everything he'd just experienced had actually left him feeling relieved. He had a new life in front of him, and he swore he wasn't going to mess it up like he'd done everything else in his life.
oooOOOooo
It was late in the day when there was a knock on his bedroom door. Severus looked up and called out.
"Winky, come in."
The door opened and Hermione peered in, looking hesitant.
"Sorry, not Winky," she explained as she entered his room.
He said nothing as he looked at her. She fidgeted and cleared her throat.
"I wanted to let you know that the Wizengamot ruled that you were innocent."
He arched an eyebrow at her.
She looked uncomfortable. "Severus… I wanted to apologize again. I didn't mean to hurt you."
Severus looked down. "Would you do it again?"
"What?"
He looked her in the eyes. "Would you do it again? Come into my dreams."
Hermione stood tall. "I would. At first, I needed to know why you killed Dumbledore. Maybe that was presumptuous of me, but I had respected you and thought you were on our side. What you did never made sense to me. Then when I found out the truth, I wanted to be there for you."
She bit her lip before continuing. "Severus, I knew you had no one. You needed to feel that there was someone there for you. I didn't want you to be alone."
"You're saying this wasn't some sadistic trick? You're not going to hold this over my head for something worthwhile to you?"
Hermione frowned at him and huffed. "Do you not know me at all, Severus Snape? I would never hold anything like that over your head!"
"It wouldn't be the first time someone has done that to me."
She grimaced at him. "I'm not like your previous friends, Severus, and I'm not a Slytherin. I don't do things to get control over someone."
Severus' eyebrows knit together as he thought about what she'd said. He pulled the paper from his bedside table and tossed it toward her.
"By the way, Rita Skeeter beat you to your announcement of my innocence."
Hermione's mouth dropped open. She rushed to the bed and picked up the paper, looking at the front page. A picture showed the mostly empty courtroom, with Harry Potter in the center seat.
"That daft bug! She snuck in. The hearing was closed to the press."
"Then how… "
Hermione waved her hand at Severus. "She's a beetle Animagus. It's easy for her to sneak in wherever she wants to get her stories. That's how she seems to be everywhere."
Severus was surprised that Hermione knew so much about the reporter.
"And you know this, how?"
Hermione blushed. "I found out during the Tri-Wizard Tournament. I caught her in a jar and kept her in there for a couple of weeks to teach her a lesson for publishing lies. I made her promise to not write bad things anymore. Of course, that didn't last long."
Severus gave her a look of incredulity. "And you say you aren't a Slytherin?"
Hermione blushed and looked at the article more to hide her face from him.
"I'm amazed. She actually got everything pretty much right." Hermione remarked.
"Turn to page three," Severus told her.
Hermione looked at him and turned the page. Her eyes grew wide as she noted the Headline. She began reading.
"Granger Sets Dumbledore Straight," she read, almost to herself. Her voice rose slightly as she read more.
"In a shocking turn of events, the Gryffindor Princess, none other than Hermione Granger, took it upon herself to tell off the one and only Greatest Wizard of All Time, Albus Dumbledore. Starting off by calling him a sorry excuse for a hero, she continued emasculating him by calling him a despicable human. She accused him of using both Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, and Severus Snape, the Consummate Spy. She went on to accuse him of using his friends as pawns and wound up the dressing down by saying if she never saw the portrait of Albus Dumbledore again, it would be too soon. Can it be that the Princess of Gryffindor has grown up and sees the truth of how the man Dumbledore really was?"
Hermione put the paper down and frowned at it.
"Was that what happened?" Severus asked.
She nodded. "Could it be possible Skeeter is turning over a new leaf?" Hermione mused.
"War will do that to a person."
Hermione looked at Severus and the sadness crept back into her eyes.
"Why did you testify for me?" Severus asked, looking anywhere but at her.
Hermione straightened. "For a couple reasons, really. First, you're innocent. I had evidence that proved that. I needed the court to see that evidence. You needed to be found innocent."
Hermione licked her lips and looked directly at Severus, who was still looking out the window.
"Second, I love you."
Severus' eyes quickly moved to hers.
"You may not believe me, but it's true. I love you. I would do anything to help you. I hope that someday you can believe that. It's okay to be vulnerable now and then, Severus, but I can understand if what I did is too much for you to forgive."
Severus just looked at Hermione. He didn't know what to say. He wasn't sure what he wanted from her, and he was afraid to say something that would drive her so far from him that there would be no coming back from it. He kept silent, but his eyes never left hers.
She cleared her throat. "Well, I guess that's it, then. You can stay here as long as you'd like. Take all the time you need to heal. If you need anything from me, send Winky."
She turned and headed for the door. Severus shot up from the bed and pursued her, grabbing her arm to stop her from leaving. She turned and looked at him hopefully.
"Thank you for defending me," he told her. "As for your intrusion into my mind… I'm not accepting of your actions."
He saw her tears brimming in her eyes and wanted to pull her to him, but he couldn't. Not yet.
"I hope you can forgive me someday, Severus," she said softly before she turned and left him alone.
His hand dropped to his side. He'd never felt so confused in his life. All of his other decisions and opinions had been clearly set before him. This… this was different. He felt duped by her actions, but her reasons were all centered on helping him. He wasn't used to anyone doing anything for him, but that young woman said she'd been in his dreams over and over again so he wouldn't feel isolated. No one else would have done such a thing for him.
He closed his door after he heard her Apparition and returned to his bed. His mind was muddled, and he was physically and mentally drained after the roller coaster he'd been on since he'd received The Prophet and had his cathartic realization. Crawling under the covers, he curled up into a ball and despite it being early, tried to go to sleep.
oooOOOooo
Despite Severus retiring early, he slept through the night. When he awoke, although he felt rested, his soul felt bereft. Taking stock of his feelings, he realized what the problem was. He missed Hermione again. Frowning, he got up and went to the bathroom. He stepped into the shower and buried himself in the cascade of warm water, trying to forget the woman who hadn't filled his dreams for the last couple of nights.
Sadly, he failed miserably. His mind thought of nothing but Hermione Granger. He scrubbed himself harder, trying to drive her from his mind, but to no avail. Running his body under the water, he sighed. Could she be the same person that she was in his dreams? If she was that woman, he knew he wanted to be with her.
He stepped out of the shower and toweled off, frowning at the light pink towel that had been left for him.
One thing that his restful night had done was give him clarity. Hermione's explanation for why she'd done what she'd done was probably one of the most thoughtful things he'd ever heard. He'd originally thought she'd been playing him for a fool, but her explanation for what she'd done made his heart swell. She wasn't one to lie. She had told him the truth, and he found he believed her.
No one he knew would ever do anything like that for him. He'd had friends before The Year of Hell he'd just lived through. Maybe Minerva would have helped him had Albus let him bring her into their unique circle, but they had been friends for years. Albus certainly wouldn't have done anything. He was more of a pat-you-on-the-back-and-send-you-on-your-way type of comforter. Not much good, really. But Hermione—whom he'd never been nice to—had devoted every night to meeting with him and helping him subconsciously to deal with The Year of Hell.
How can I ever thank her enough for doing that for me?
He was truly at a loss. He was amazed at her dedication. He was honored by her loyalty. He was enamored by her feelings for him.
He looked in the mirror and examined himself. He looked drawn. Granted, he'd almost died less than a week prior; he guessed he could give himself a break.
She said she loved me.
He frowned. How could she possibly love him? He certainly wasn't a catch by most witches' standards.
But she's different. She always has been. She sees beyond what other people see.
He'd also told her that he loved her. Did he love her? He knew his subconscious wanted to or he wouldn't have dreamed it, but did he really love her? Could he love the real Hermione Granger? Did he truly know the real Hermione Granger?
His thoughts moved to their interactions. There had been a couple of times when she'd tried to convince him that he didn't know the 'real' her. That she was the same person as the woman who appeared in his dreams. From what she said about visiting him in his dreams, she would have no reason to be something other than what she was.
He took in a quick breath. She was real!
He searched his feelings, even those he hid deep within himself so no one could access them… not even him. His true feelings for her were laid bare to him. He gasped as his hands came down on the sink. His feelings for her went deep. The time he'd spent with her in his dreams and her confession of just why she had done what she did had cemented his feelings for Hermione. He felt an affinity with her that he'd felt with no one else. His mind was filled with his love for the woman. Merlin, he loved her more than anything. His heart ached because she wasn't here with him. He needed her. He yearned for her, but it was possible she wouldn't choose to be with him after his actions toward her.
He realized he'd been holding his breath and gasped to try to catch it. He had to convince her to be with him. He wouldn't lose another woman to his foolishness. This was his new life, and he refused to let it run away from him so quickly.
He stared at his reflection. He ran his fingers through his hair and huffed. He needed more rest. He would make sure the next time he saw Hermione, he looked and acted his best.
