Holly had now lived in her house for a month and a half. She'd been working to change her life, and she thought it was going really well so far. She'd avoided all possible romantic involvements—she'd only talked to Ross long enough to tell him where to have her things delivered and had turned down every date request. And, while her younger self would've laughed at this, she'd started a book club with Maureen and Vanessa. She didn't want to keep being the woman who said things like, "I don't really get along with other women" and so she forged friendships. She cringed when she remembered thinking that Maureen didn't like her. Why would she? Holly never tried to talk to her. If she had, she'd have realized that Maureen was smart, funny and kind.
She enjoyed spending time with the two of them, and their monthly dinners and book chats were some of her favorite nights.
And she was in therapy. It was hard but long overdue and she was doing the work. She was starting to understand why she kept making those same mistakes and falling into old patterns.
It wasn't the life she had been expecting but it was a very good one and she was happier than she'd been in a long time.
And then, of course, there was a curveball. And, of course, it was Roger.
She came home from the movies one Saturday afternoon and saw a familiar car in her driveway and a familiar face sitting on her porch.
"Hi! Sorry, I was out; have you been waiting long?" she said. "I haven't seen you outside of work in forever."
When she got closer, she saw his face. He looked absolutely devastated.
"What is it?" she asked, and then she started to panic. "Is it Blake?"
"No," he said. "She's fine."
"Well, come on in and tell me about it."
She waited until he stood up and then unlocked her front door.
"Sit down; can I get you a drink?"
He shook his head.
"What's wrong?" she asked and was shocked to see him start to cry.
She went over and held him. "You're scaring me," she said.
"Mindy. She lost the baby a couple of days ago."
"Oh no," Holly whispered. "I'm so sorry. How is she?"
She mentally kicked herself. "That was a stupid question. I'm sure she's taking this as hard as you are."
"I wouldn't know. She left me; she said that now that there was no baby, there was no point trying to pretend we had any sort of a future together. That's hard, too, but I just keep thinking about our baby. We didn't have a name picked out for it, didn't even know if it was a boy or a girl, but I had so many plans. You know how my dad was and I made so many of the same mistakes with Chrissy, but I wanted to be the exact opposite for this baby. I was going to listen to it and protect it…teach it to play piano and baseball. Just all the sweet little things that I was too busy and selfish to do with Chrissy. I don't even know why I'm here. I guess because you're the only other person who knew she was pregnant. We didn't tell her family or any of our friends…" he laughed bitterly and said, "her friends, I guess; you know how popular I am here, so no one is grieving with us and she definitely doesn't want to see me again. I just can't pretend to be okay right now."
"No, of course not," Holly said. "I'm so sorry. This is awful. Here, sit down. What can I do? How can I help?"
She went to go sit over on the other side of the couch, but he reached out and grabbed her hand.
"Roger…" she started but he interrupted her.
"Holly, please. If there's anything that's true for us, it's that we're great distractions for each other. I can't keep thinking about this. I'll go crazy. This doesn't have to mean anything; I'm not asking for anything but tonight. Just…God, get me out of my head."
She nodded and led him to her bedroom. She wasn't entirely sure it was a good idea and was just as sure that this wasn't in line with her "be a better person" goal, but he wasn't wrong. If there was one thing she and Roger were good at, it was this. She could go for getting out of her head, too. And since she was seeing her therapist on Monday…
"Are you sure?" she asked softly. "I mean, it's all going to be waiting for you after. This isn't going to fix anything."
He kissed her, then sat down on the bed and pulled her into his lap. She started to unbutton his shirt, but he shook his head and yanked his shirt off roughly; she heard one of the buttons pop off, then reached for hers.
She was wearing one of her favorite tops and could just tell he'd ruin it; she stood up and stripped. As she did, he took off the rest of his clothes, then pulled her onto the bed. He kissed her and his hands were all over her. She wrapped her legs around him and reached down to touch him.
Roger wasn't particularly gentle, but Holly didn't need him to be. They had been many things to each other over the years but the one thing that had been constant was that whenever they were in bed, they were very compatible. It was true almost every time, she amended, and tried to stop thinking about that night this time. She closed her eyes then reopened them, doing her best to stay in this moment because it wasn't the same.
And the truth that she rarely admitted even to herself? She loved the way he generally touched her, but there was something even better when it was hard and fast, when they both lost all control. She didn't know what it said about her, exactly, but since she also knew that she was safe with him now, that he'd stop if she told him to, she thought it didn't matter all that much.
After, she lay on her side facing him, her hand running over his body. He was clearly about to fall asleep and she hoped he would. Based on his appearance earlier, he hadn't slept since Mindy lost the baby and she knew exhaustion made everything feel worse.
She woke up sometime later and the room was dark; since it was close to Christmas, that didn't really help narrow down a timeframe. It could be 6pm; it could be 2am. Roger was still there, and she could tell by his breathing he was still asleep. She curled closer into him and closed her eyes again.
She woke up again and this time, the room was on its way to being bright. Roger was getting dressed, clearly trying to be quiet.
"Hi," she said, her voice a little raspy. She cleared her throat and tried again. "What time is it?"
"Still pretty early. Did I wake you?"
"No." She stood up and walked over to her closet to get some clothes. Before she could put anything on, though, she heard Roger gasp and she looked over at him.
"Did I do that to you?"
"Do what?"
He took her shoulders and gently angled her toward the mirror. She flinched a little and could see bruises on her shoulders, probably from where his fingers had dug in. She knew at the time that it was a hard grip, but it hadn't hurt the way that those bruises implied. Her back hurt, and she was sure that there were more bruises and probably a lot of scratches, too.
"Jesus Christ, Holly. I'm sorry. I can't believe I hurt you again." He looked very upset and she could see him start to spiral a little. She turned back toward him.
"Hey, stop. I'm fine." She put her arms around his neck, pulling him against her. "Last night wasn't that night. I wanted everything that happened."
He opened his mouth to argue and she shook her head. "Roger, I promise you that if I hadn't wanted you, you would've known it. You've changed since then and so have I. We aren't those people anymore. I trust you completely; I know you'd never hurt me like that again. And you were here last night. Is there any doubt in your mind that I wanted everything that happened last night? Did I seem uninterested or coerced or unhappy?"
He still looked upset with himself. "I just hate that I've hurt you. Again."
"Roger, if I'm not mad about it, you don't get to be. Last night was amazing. We're good together and I needed that at least as much as you did. Maybe more. So please stop second-guessing what happened."
He studied her face and she was pretty sure he was checking to see if she meant it.
"Have I ever told you a lie to spare your feelings? At any point since our divorce, have you known me to hold back like that?"
She smiled as she said it, but she knew it was true. If anything, she routinely had gone out of her way to hurt him.
"I just feel sick seeing bruises on you," he said, his voice breaking. "And I put them there. Again."
"I'm not particularly delicate. I don't need you to treat me like I'm going to break."
She kissed him again and said, "Look, do you need me to prove how much I want you?"
Her phone rang. She picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Mom? It's me. I'm sorry it's early."
"Hi, Blake. Is everything OK?"
"Yeah. Is Dad there?"
Holly looked at Roger. "Why are you asking if Roger's here?"
"Mindy called and asked."
"Why would Mindy call you?"
He shook his head.
"But no, sorry, honey. I couldn't tell you where he is."
"If you do see him, could you ask him to call Mindy? And to call me, because I'm worried now, too."
"I will."
"Thanks. Bye, Mom. Love you."
"Love you, too."
After Holly hung up, she turned to Roger. "Call Mindy. And Blake; Mindy's freaked her out."
"I guess I should go. I'll see what Mindy wants and then I'll call Blake."
"Come back if you need to. Or if you want to. You're welcome any time."
"Thank you. I don't think I deserve your compassion but I really appreciate it."
After he left, she went to take a long, hot shower and then pulled on a sweatshirt and jeans. She wanted to take it very easy.
She curled up on the couch and started Casablanca. Unfortunately, even before Ingrid Bergman appeared, there was a knock. She hoped it was Roger.
It wasn't.
"Mindy. What can I do for you?"
"Where's Roger?"
"I don't know."
Mindy pushed her way into the living room and Holly looked at her. "Come on in, Mindy."
"I know you know where he is."
"I really don't. He's not here but you're welcome to look around. I'll give you a tour and you can check the closets, under the bed and anywhere else you want."
"This isn't funny," Mindy said.
"Does it look like I'm having fun? I don't know where he is. I don't know if I'd tell you if I did, but I don't. Did you try Blake again? He may have gone there. And before you ask, I know you talked to her because she called me. Roger doesn't consult me before he does things; he hasn't for a long time."
Mindy started to cry. "It's just been a horrible few days and I said things I shouldn't have. I want to make it right and I can't find him."
Holly felt awful for not saying something about the baby but she knew there was no way to say anything without making it obvious that Roger had been there. And if Mindy DID want to get back together with Roger, she didn't want to ruin it for him.
"I don't think I'll see him before work tomorrow, and I'm sure you'll have seen him before then. But either way, I'll tell him you were here and what you said. Is there anything else I can do? Do you want to talk, maybe? Or watch Casablanca with me?"
Holly was immediately angry with herself for this ridiculously inappropriate offer but at the same time, Mindy was right around Blake's age and that brought out all four of Holly's maternal instincts.
She almost sighed with relief when Mindy declined.
After Mindy left, Holly went into her room, buried her face in a pillow and screamed. It didn't fix anything but it was surprisingly helpful.
Then she went to the kitchen, poured herself a glass of wine and went back to finish the movie.
