I covered my face as I glanced over at America, who was standing on the table.
"Stop, you are embarrassing us." I hissed at him, who ignored me.
"Good day, everyone! Today, I'll be attempting to beat the World Record of eating a tub of French fries!"
"Chips, you idiot." I mumbled. "I thought you spoke English."
"Really?!" some irrelevant bystander gasped. "What's the current record?"
"50 seconds and 96 milliseconds!"
"No one can beat that." she scoffed.
"Wanna bet?" I glared at her, and she shrugged in return. Geez, some people were just so ignorant sometimes. Didn't they know he was the United States of America?
The people in the store crowded around our table to watch America stuff himself to beat a World Record.
And I couldn't wait when he failed to tell him off for such a stupid idea.
However half a minute later, the audience was cheering as America jumped on his chair, beating the record by twenty seconds.
I groaned. I had only asked him if he would like a drink, of course he turned it into a fiasco.
[-]
Good evening. I am the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and I bet you're wondering how I got into this situation.
[-]
Well, it all began last week when I was with my brothers at one of our favourite pubs.
[-]
Scotland hiccupped, his cup of beer wobbling as his hand shook.
"I can't believe my baby brothers are finally growing up..." he slurred, whacking us on the backs.
"Sod off, mate." Wales grumbled, throwing his beer on the floor, grumpily.
I glanced over at Northern Ireland, the only sober one left.
"This is why I never go bloody drinking with you lot." he groaned.
"Nonsense.." Scotland protested weakly. "You're just jealous. You wish you could hold yeeer..."
Northern Ireland blinked. "No, not really. You can't hold your liquor at all."
"Excuse youuu..."
Wales proceeded into drunkenly shoving Scotland's drink off the counter.
They began to fight each other, as I started to cry a bit and Northern Ireland just looked fed up with all of us.
Which he probably was.
He managed to get us all out of the bar and into his car, where he began to lecture us, not that we were listening.
A minute into this lecture of his, Scotland poked me in the ribs.
"What?" I muttered, shoving his hand away. His stupid breath was in my face.
It was obvious he was still very, very drunk.
"How is the young American?" he giggled.
"He's not young anymore!" I gasped. "He's old!"
"Don't flatter yourself, the only one who's old is you." Northern Ireland mumbled, but I heard it.
"Shut up!"
"Scottie does have a good point though..." Northern Ireland continued, ignoring the Brit. "We haven't seen America in a while... How is he?"
"Just as idiotic as always." I laughed, waving my arm around. They joined me as they giggled too.
That is, all but Wales.
"Maybe you should visit him." he murmured thoughtfully in the backseat.
I jerked forward as Northern Ireland nearly crashed the car.
"Are you nuts?! England visit America?! Oh wait, you're drunk." he let out a sigh of relief, though I felt a stab of guilt.
When was the last time I had visited America?
Oh yeah.
Last year.
Shuddering as I remembered the horrific event, I zoned back into the conversation.
"How about we all visit America? Together as a family?" Wales proposed.
"Eeeww, nooo. Why would anyone doo that..." Scotland fell forward in his seat (at least his seatbelt was on).
Thank goodness he finally knocked himself out.
"Hm... I'm not sure visiting America outside of World Meetings is a very good idea." Ireland marvelled. "
"And why not?" Wales asked.
No one answered him. Not that we needed to.
Northern Ireland pulled up into our driveway, and I watched him literally drag Scotland into the house.
Wales snickered, commenting that he looked like he was trying to hide a dead body.
I laughed, while Ireland just glared at us. "This is all your fault for getting drunk!" he yelled.
"You're the one who promised to take us drinking, your fault really!" I yelled back.
He stuck out his tongue.
Wales and I managed to lean on each other and stagger back into our house, where we witnessed Northern Ireland roughly throwing Scotland into his room.
"Alright, now that's sorted-" he wiped his hands on his pants. "What am I going to do with you two?"
"Nothing!" I protested. "We'll just go to bed! Right, Wales?" I asked, who nodded in agreement.
"Okay. Then go to bed." he raised an eyebrow at us, as if questioning our abilities.
That idiot.
He watched us unamused as we struggled to get anywhere before he stood up, sighing. "Let me help you."
He yanked Wales into his room and shoved me into mine. I could've sworn he muttered under his breath.
I crawled over to my bed and collapsed on it. Thoughts flew around my brain. Wales was right, I hadn't seen America outside World Meetings (not since last year).
And I felt bad.
I groaned, and hit my head on my pillow. Stupid feelings, they should just go off and die already.
[-]
Waking up with a hangover is the worst feeling in the world.
I staggered out of my room, where Northern Ireland was staring at the clock. "Good afternoon." he greeted.
"After..." I mumbled. "Afternoon?"
"You all slept like rocks. Yes, it's afternoon, I'm not pulling ya leg."
"Seriously?"
"England!" Wales walked out of our walk-in pantry with cereal. "It is absolutely splendid to see you!"
I scoffed. Then I turned my attention back to Northern Ireland. "Am I the last one?"
"Of course not, idiot. Scotland got way more drunk than you did, remember? He's still snoring, can't you hear it?"
Now that he mentioned it, it was pretty loud.
I sat down on my chair and looked at the clock too. "What's so important about the time?"
"Ireland's coming to visit." he stated, checking his watch too, as if it would make time go faster.
(It doesn't, don't try it).
Wales shovelled cereal into his mouth. "D'ya want some, Iggs?"
"No, and don't call me that."
"Your loss."
"Yeah, but I don't want your cereal! I want toast!" I decided in that instant, not wanting to lose to Wales.
"Guys, stop turning into a competition."
We ignored him.
I walked into the pantry and found the jar of marmite and found bread. Wales refilled his cereal. Sitting back down at the table, we stared at each other, counted down from three and ate our food as quickly as possible.
"You guys are insane, you know that, right?"
Wales won, slamming down his bowl onto the table, triumphant.
I scowled. "You cheated!" I exclaimed. "You were eating cereal! Rematch!"
"What? No! You're just going to choke on your food and die!" Northern Ireland protested weakly.
Then the doorbell rang.
He forgot all about trying to stop us from dying a pathetic death and ran towards the door.
"Ireland!" I heard him cry, as Wales and I glared at each other. "You've got to help me, Wales and England are going to choke to death!"
"Three, two, one, go!"
I jumped, spotting Scotland by the doorway, but I couldn't ponder it - Wales had already started! That cheater!
I practically inhaled my cereal, while he did the same and...
"EURGH!" Wales choked, pausing his slurping to hit his chest.
I finished drinking, this time getting the enjoyment of slamming down my bowl. "You lose!"
"No fair! I was about to die!"
"You're a country, stupid! You can't die!" I yelled at him, throwing my spoon at him.
"...and this is what I have to deal with." Northern Ireland told his brother.
"Yeah, I'm glad I'm not part of the UK."
"Excuse you!"
Ireland shrugged.
We sat down at the table.
"I heard from North that you three all got drunk." Ireland said, conversationally.
I glared at him.
"What? I was only recounting what happened yesterday!" he threw his hands up.
Excuses.
"Anyway, I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about Scotland!" He pointed to the north-most country, who had placed his head on the table.
"Never bloody again, why did I think this was a good idea..."
I rolled my eyes. "You say that every time."
"Yeah, bu' this time is the last. I swear it..."
Wales snorted.
I glanced over at the clock, which read 3: 30. I stood up.
"Where are you going?" Northern Ireland looked up at me wearily.
"Oh, uh... nowhere."
"Yeah, and pigs can fly. You do realise that you suck at lying, right?" Ireland commented unhelpfully.
"Fine, I was..." America flashed in my mind and I panicked. No, I was not going to visit America! So, I said the first name that came out of my mouth. "...thinking of going to France's place."
There was a clutter as Ireland dropped his cutlery. They all stared at me in shock (minus Scotland who was trying to fall back to sleep).
"You? YOU WANT TO VISIT FRANCE?!" Wales shrieked. "WHY?"
Great, my stupid mouth couldn't control itself. "We're in the 21st century, we might as well try to become allies, instead of fighting all the time." I shrugged.
I dashed out of our house, before any of them could say anything else.
Now what?
This meant I had to go over to France's house.
I got into my car and drove to the airport. I booked a ticket to France and jumped onto the plane.
"England? What are you doing here?"
I stared at the person who called out to me.
It was Sealand.
"What are you doing, going to France?" I hissed, taking my spot next to him.
"Well, unlike you, I have friends." he swung his legs.
"I do have friends!" I retorted. "And I'm pretty sure you don't have friends from France!"
"Too true. But, I'm going over to Italy and Austria to meet up with Seborga and Kugelmugel! It's cheaper if I just drive."
"Sealand, you're twelve."
"I'll just ask France to drive me. He likes me." he added unnecessarily. "And I'm older than most humans."
"Whatever."
We sat in silence as the place lifted off.
[-]
We hiked- no sorry. We walked over to France's house, where we let ourselves in (France was never good at hiding the spare key. [it was under the doormat]).
I opened the front door, and cleared my throat. "France?"
There was stomping and the Frenchman stared at us. "England? Sealand? What an unlikely pair." he mused.
"Oh, shut up." I scoffed. "Anyway, I've got to ask you-"
"France, you need to drive me to Italy and Austria!" Sealand interrupted, stepping on my foot.
"You brat!" I hissed.
He continued to stare at us. "You... both want to go to Italy and Austria?"
"No, just him." I interrupted.
He bit his lip. "So, that means you wanted to see me?"
I kicked him in the shins.
"By any means, want to come in? Monaco and Seychelles were just suggesting we have afternoon tea!"
"Yes, please!" Sealand ran in.
I shook my head. "It's all right, I've just had breakfast."
"You what? It's 4:30. What do you mean 'breakfast'?"
"Woke up late." I pushed past him, though I could tell I wasn't telling the truth.
"Did you get drunk?!" he gasped, excitably.
I groaned.
I hurried over to the living room, where Monaco and Seychelles were standing.
"Hello, England. What brings you here?" Monaco asked.
"Nothing much." I waved my hand dismissably. "Don't think too much about it."
However, France seemed to read me inside out, so he cleared his throat. "Monaco, Seychelles? After afternoon tea, would you mind taking Sealand to Italy and Austria? He wants to visit his friends."
They raised their eyebrows at each other.
"Sure, why not?" Seychelles agreed.
We ate quickly and soon they left.
France turned to me. "So, what's the reason you came? Politics?"
"What? No!" I cried out.
He looked thoroughly unconvinced so I sighed. "Okay, fine. Well, I want to try and visit America again."
There, I've gone off and said it. Oooh, he's going to mock me, isn't he?
"That's good!" he said, saying the complete opposite of what I thought he was going to say.
"Eh?"
"Really! That means you're willing to make amends with him! Especially from last year!"
I spluttered. "Who told you about that?!"
"Canada did. And America told him." he said indifferently.
"That idiot..." I mumbled under my breath.
"But why did you come to me? To tell me about that?"
"Not necessarily. But my brothers' asked me where I was going so I freaked out and said your place... so I did have to go..."
"Ah, that makes sense." He tapped his finger on the table. "Well, now that you're here... how about I give you advice?"
"Ad... huh?"
"Were you planning onto just going to America's place and make everything up as you go along?"
"I guess..."
France stood up, and opened his mouth to speak. "Look. What you did last time - taking Alfred to a classical concert - only works for old people like you and me."
I snorted.
"If I was him, I would also run up on the stage and sing along to the classical music."
"No, you wouldn't."
"You're right." he frowned. "But he's younger. He doesn't appreciate the arts like we do. So I think you should take him to a place he enjoys."
"What, like fast food?"
"Not... fast food, maybe a restaurant though. Spend time with him. If you're still annoyed about last year-"
"Of course I am!"
"-then tell him that. Be honest, you idiot."
"'Be honest, you idiot'." I mimicked.
He frowned. "Do you want my advice or not?"
"Well, I never asked for it, did I? And who knows, your advice probably sucks anyway."
"Tell that to Canada."
"What about him?"
France smirked. "He would say the same thing, I'm sure of it."
"I doubt it."
I scrambled for his laptop and logged in (he's not very good at picking passwords either [it was 'imbetterthanengland']) and video-called Canada.
We both waited for him to connect.
"France?" he mumbled. "Oh, England?"
"Yeah, I need to ask you. If you were me, how would you meet up with America?" I asked.
"Easy, a restaurant."
"Ha!" France laughed in my face. "I told you!"
I felt my eye twitch. "Shut up, France."
Canada smiled. "Are you planning to meet up with him?"
"No? What gave you that impression?"
France and Canada gave me identical looks.
"England, you really need to practise your lying. Even I can lie better than you."
"Usually I'm better, but I haven't done it in a while."
"Stop making excuses." France scoffed.
What? Me? Making excuses? I've never heard such a stupid thing!
Though, he was probably right.
I scowled. "Whatever."
"CANADAAAA!"
"Ah, I've got to get off, America's here!"
And with that, he logged off.
France clapped me on the back. "Better luck next time, hope this time will turn out better than last year."
[-]
The moment I got home, I locked myself in my room. I opened up my computer and tried to find a restaurant near America's place that he would enjoy.
"England, come out!"
I ignored Wales.
"England, don't ignore me!"
I printed out a picture of the restaurant and pinned it on my board.
"England, Iggy, Iggs-"
I found red string and tied it around the pin and connected to an image of America.
"You better open this door, or there'll be consequences."
Oh, wait-
That wasn't Wales!
"Three... Two..."
"Scotland, hold on-!"
"One..."
My door swung off its hinges and it almost hit me in the face. "SCOTLAND, WHY?!"
He stared past me. "WHAT'S THAT?!" he yelled, pointing to the pin board. "WHY ARE YOU MAKING IT LOOK LIKE YOU'RE SOLVING A CRIME?!"
He gestured to the red string on the pictures.
"That's not what I'm trying to achieve!" I retorted. "I'm trying to see the best way to maximise the effects of visiting America."
Scotland and Wales gaped at me.
"Someone call an ambulance." Scotland said eventually. "He's insane."
"I'm NOT! I think it's a good idea. And this time, I've asked for help. So now I know what to do."
"Yeah, right." Northern Ireland popped his head through the door. "You said that last time."
"Last time, I asked help from you. This time, I've gotten my advice from France and Canada. They know him very well."
Ireland walked in, tracing his finger along the strings. "So, you want to take him to the British restaurant...? Is that even a good idea?"
"Of course it is. He loves my food."
They all raised their eyebrows at each other and looked back at me.
"Don't say anything. And that's not all I want to do." I pointed to an image of a park. "The restaurant is for the end of the day. First, I'm going to take him to this park. He loved it as a kid."
"Okay, you sentimental welp." Northern Ireland shrugged. "But does he love it now?"
I nodded. "He's always posting pictures of it on his Twitter account. We can stay there and just chat until 3:00, because we're going to the movies. We could probably watch two movies there before we go the restaurant."
I glanced over at my brothers, who didn't say anything.
"What? It's a good plan if I say so myself."
"I know but... I think it's more of the fact you think it's a good plan that makes me uncertain..." Scotland stuttered.
"Excuse you!"
I'll prove them wrong.
It'll definitely be better than last year's, I just know it!
[-]
Before I knew it, the week flew by and it was time to go to America's place. I quickly changed into my suit and headed out the door.
"We're praying for you!" Wales called from the window.
"Don't bother, it'll be perfectly fine!" I yelled back.
I hitched a plane to the U.S., and found myself next to Sealand.
Again.
"Now, what are you doing here?" I asked him.
"I'm visiting Molossia!" he smiled. "And so is everyone else!"
I looked behind me to see Hutt River and Wy sitting next to each other and behind them Kugelmugel and Seborga were chatting quietly to themselves.
"Of course..."
"And what are you doing?" he asked.
What a nosy kid.
"I'm going to America's place."
"AMERICA?! You're coming with us?!"
"No, you're going to Molossia's place. I'm going to America."
He waved his hand dismissably. "Whatever! Same thing!"
Not really, it wasn't.
He wouldn't shut up so by the time we left the airplane, I already had a headache. Sealand insisted that him and his friends would go with him, so I helped them flag a taxi and we sat down.
"So, how are you?" I started conversationally.
"I'm alright." Seborga replied.
"Alright?! I'm so jetlagged! It's not funny anymore! I hate time zones!" Wy fumed, continuing to rant about how Australia is the best country in the world.
I have to disagree, it's England.
We arrived at America's place half an hour later and I forced the micronations into the house.
"Go find Molossia and annoy him!" I barked and they ran off, laughing.
What idiots.
"Iggy? What are you doing here?"
I turned around so fast, I almost broke my neck. Scowling, I rubbed it and glared at him.
"Don't... call me that..."
He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, but what are you doing here?"
"Well..."
Good question, was it possible to back out now?
"I would like to catch up after that... uh, disastrous event from last year." I mumbled.
"Oh, cool!" he gasped. "Anyway, it's breakfast now, would you like food?"
I stared judgingly at the food, debating whether or not it was worth my attention.
"Okay, fine." I unwillingly reached out for a piece of apple pie.
He chewed intensely and wouldn't stop staring at me. "So where are we going?"
"What?"
"Oh, usually you like to organise the entire thing." he shrugged. "I'm assuming you did that with this thing too."
I sniffed. "Yeah, I did."
"So, where first?"
"The park." I swallowed.
"The... The what?"
"The park, that's what I said."
I finished eating and we walked over. He ran straight for the swings.
"America, you're not a child, you don't need to go on..." I sighed, as he ignored me and jumped on the swing set. "Whatever, wait for me."
I chased after him and joined him on the swings.
"I can swing higher than you!" he teased.
"No, you can't!" I moved my body to rival his and we began to swing higher and higher and higher-
"Ouch!"
"Ha!" I laughed at him; he had gotten too cocky and had let go of the swings, overbalanced and fell off. "That means I win!"
He pouted, while I kicked dirt in his face.
I got off the swing and took a seat on the park bench. Before I could even take a breath, he cut in.
"Guess what?! I read Harry Potter recently!"
"Really?!" I gasped, surprised. I had been telling him to read it for at least a half a year now, looks like he had finally done it!
"I liked it!"
He better have!
"But I preferred the movies."
He... He what?
"What?! The movies suck!"
He raised his eyebrows.
"Well, okay. The actors were good, but the book was so much better! How could you say that!"
It was almost like he was doing this on purpose. Was he trying to annoy me?
"Anyway, my favourite was 'The Prisoner Of Azkaban'."
"Along with everyone else." I scoffed.
"What about you?"
"I, personally, enjoyed 'The Order of the Phoenix'."
"Why?" he stared at me. "Umbridge sucks!"
"Yeah, but that was the book of character development!" I insisted.
"Bo- ring!"
He continued to argue with me for the next hour about Harry Potter, bringing up random things he noticed (that were obviously wrong).
I glanced at watch and realised it was 2:30.
"Ah! America, we need to go to the cinema!"
We ran all the way there (I don't know why it didn't occur to me to take a taxi, it just didn't) and looked at all the movie options.
"What do you want to watch? Harry Po-"
"Already watched recently." He scanned all the movie options. "I want to watch this one!"
I peered at what he was pointing at. "'Back To The Outback'?" I read, gazing at him. "What are you, a little kid?"
"I'd like two tickets, please!"
I resisted a groan. Of course he forgot to confirm with me.
Or did he do it on purpose?
It was probably the latter.
We walked inside the theatre and waited for the movie to start. While America was eating popcorn insanely fast and watching all the ads, I decided to research about the movie. I read through all the reviews of annoyed Australians (and I wondered if it was worth watching this movie again with Australia just for his reaction) until America nudged me.
"It's starting!"
We watched the movie (America was cracking up the entire time and even I was trying not to smile). He even ate all my popcorn too.
"That... was bloody hilarious!" he struggled to breathe. "We need to show that to Australia! He'd love it!"
"Hmm... I'm not too sure..." I shrugged after we left the cinema.
"Why not? It's literally about his culture!"
"I was reading reviews about it before the movie started, and apparently all the negative reviews were from Australians. But I would definitely like to see Australia swearing at a TV."
America burst into laughter again.
I lead him to the British restaurant (as it was now 6:00) and we took our seats.
"Would you like something to drink?" I offered, passing him the menu.
"In a sec." His gaze was on the wall, where there was a Guinness World Record about the faster time of eating chips.
Oh no...
I glanced at his face, which was starting to become very determined.
"America, no-"
He waved the waiter over. "I would like to order two large fries, please."
I placed my head in my arms. I could see where this was going... This was so going to be worse than last year...
As soon as the waiter came back with his order, he clambered onto the table.
"Stop, you are embarrassing us." I hissed at him, who ignored me.
"Good day, everyone! Today, I'll be attempting to beat the World Record of eating a tub of French fries!"
"Chips, you idiot." I mumbled. "I thought you spoke English."
"Really?!" some irrelevant bystander gasped. "What's the current record?"
"50 seconds and 96 milliseconds!"
"No one can beat that." she scoffed.
"Wanna bet?" I glared at her, and she shrugged in return. Geez, some people were just so ignorant sometimes. Didn't they know he was the United States of America?
The people in the store crowded around our table to watch America stuff himself to beat a World Record.
And I couldn't wait when he failed to tell him off for such a stupid idea.
However half a minute later, the audience was cheering as America jumped on his chair, beating the record by twenty seconds.
I groaned. I had only asked him if he would like a drink, of course he turned it into a fiasco.
[-]
I returned home the next day, where my brothers were.
"We heard the news." Wales held up a newspaper, reading 'American Man Beats World Record of Eating French Fries?!' with an image of us two.
I let out a groan.
"So, should I say 'we told you so'?" Scotland smirked.
"Yes." I inhaled. "I am never again going to visit America outside of World Meetings." I vowed.
Northern Ireland shrugged. "You said that last year and the year before."
"When Scotland stops drinking will be the day I'll believe that statement." Ireland laughed, walking into the kichten.
I scowled, but deep down I knew they were right.
