Kageyama's heart was pounding. The bad kind of pounding that came from running away from bears or having everyone in your school see you without pants. Or having your crush tell you to your face that they had never seen you the way you hoped they had. Yeah, something like that.
It was never you.
Kageyama shook his head to get rid of the thought like he was trying to get the last coin out of a piggy bank, hoping it would slide right out and he could forget about it. Instead it careened around his skull endlessly reminding him of what felt like the biggest loss of his life.
Hinata didn't actually like him. It had been a misunderstanding the size of the Tokyo tower and Kageyama wanted to slam his fists against something, potential damage to his setting ability be damned. Everything inside him hurt, it only made sense that the outside match. Instead he forced himself to keep walking forward and return to the clubroom. Don't look back. Don't try to listen for the sound of Hinata's footsteps. Don't hope for them.
He took the stairs two by two and made it to the clubroom in record time. He stood in front of the door awkwardly as he listened to laughter from the other side. Did he really need his things? He could just come get them next week couldn't he? He didn't know how many of his teammates hadn't gone home yet and he would have to carefully avoid questions from all of them. He could do that. He could slide a mask over his feelings to keep them carefully preserved and walk away from prying eyes. He took a breath. He reached for the doorknob.
It turned without him.
"Ah, Kageyama," Yamaguchi said pleasantly, "That was quick. Hinata forget something again?"
Kageyama bit his tongue to prevent saying too much.
"No, I just need my stuff."
He slid into the room past Yamaguchi and Tsukishima beside him who was peering angrily down at Kageyama. Great, the club members were all still here talking and laughing among themselves. He had conveniently forgotten they liked to all go together to the convenience store and bother Ukai at work on the weekend.
"I swear if you don't get away from me!" Ennoshita was threatening.
Tanaka and Noya were both comfortably in Ennoshita's personal space and didn't seem like they would be leaving any time soon. They had wrapped their team jackets around their heads to mimic long hair. Daichi, Suga, and Asahi on the other side of the room were silently watching and letting it happen for their amusement.
"Aww, Ennoshita-senpai," Tanaka cooed in a mock feminine voice, "You're our favorite player. We're such big fans."
"Yeah!" Agreed Noya, his blonde bangs still managing to stick out from beneath his jacket, "Unless you want us to ditch you in favor of Narita."
"Yes!" Ennoshita yelled exasperated, a very Daichi-like vein appearing on his neck at his volume, "Literally anybody but me!"
"Hey! How could you throw me under the bus like that?" Narita asked from his place on the floor beside the spectacle. Kinoshita next to him snickered behind his hand at the betrayal.
Kageyama took a deep breath. Everyone seemed sufficiently distracted. He could do it. He could hide. He had done it before when he had first thought Hinata liked him and he had been in the throes of panic. Once more, from the top.
"Your stuff?" Yamaguchi asked from the doorway, "I thought you were doing some extra practice with Hinata since he yanked you out of here."
Kageyama picked up his gym back and looked through its contents to be sure he left nothing behind. Almost done. Just a little more. Neutral expression still carefully in place.
"No, we're not."
"I see. So you're both just going to head home together then?"
Kageyama didn't answer all too aware of Yamaguchi's eyebrows drawing together at his silence. He needed to make his escape quickly. He zipped his bag closed. It was then he noticed the heavy eye roll Tsukishima was performing behind Yamaguchi before he urged him to go through the door.
He was so sick of having people be upset with him. It was exhausting. He didn't much like Tsukishima either but he had always had his back in games. He really didn't want to go down the path he had in middle school where one by one his teammates grew to resent him. He already didn't know how he was going to look one particular team member in the eye ever again; he didn't want to add to the list.
In retrospect the argument Tsukishima and he had had, had been ridiculous and fueled by pride and the childish urge to be right no matter what. Compared to having his beating heart torn out of his chest, this particular skirmish was a minor inconvenience.
"Hey, Tsukishima," he said hoping that he would be acknowledged. Tsukishima paused at the door, his hand on the knob behind him. Yamaguchi in front of him turning back out of curiosity.
"What?" The blond sneered, probably prepared to get into another verbal altercation with one of his favorite people to annoy.
Kageyama could see out of the corner of his eye Daichi had put his conversation with Suga and Asahi on hold, gearing up to get in between them again. Kageyama wondered what would happen when he subverted his expectations.
"I'm sorry," he said making sure to look his fellow first year in the eye, "About earlier."
Something crashed behind him and the room fell headfirst into clear silence. Tsukishima was looking at him as if he had just asked to take photos of his feet. Yamaguchi secretly looked pleased. Kageyama couldn't be sure but it seemed Daichi was holding a hand to his chest just out of his field of vision.
Tsukishima cleared his throat and readjusted his glasses clearly taken aback. "Yeah. Well, you should be." He was obviously nudged from behind making him roll his eyes again and clench his jaw. "Me too then."
Without more fanfare he continued on his way and closed the door behind him. Kageyama breathed out a sigh of relief. That was at least one thing fixed. One thing he hadn't royally screwed up. One less thing to weigh on his shoulders.
"Hey," Daichi called out, "That was really mature of you, Kageyama. I'm proud of you."
Kageyama only nodded in response. He readjusted his bag and followed after Tsukishima. Right as he got to the door he could hear a whispered question behind him.
"Did Kageyama look ok to you?"
He left without looking back.
O0O
The weekend blurred into the new week like ink smearing through wet paper. Hinata didn't text him about practicing in the park. Kageyama simultaneously wanted him to and hoped he didn't. It would have been the normal thing to do. After all, nothing had actually happened right? They had just figured out some things and they were still friends. They were still teammates. They would still be as they always were.
So why did it feel so much like a breakup? Or at least, he was pretty sure this is what a breakup would feel like.
But unlike Hinata, Kageyama was reeling from their conversation behind the gym. Maybe Hinata hadn't realized how big of a bomb he had set off inside of Kageyama's chest the second he had denied ever liking him, but Kageyama was still trying to deal with the fallout. He wanted to erase the memories, his feelings. It would make things infinitely easier if he could pretend they never happened at all.
It was never you.
The last class of the day was over and Kageyama desperately wanted to get to the gym. Wanted to feel the sting of leather against his skin and the sharp smack of the volleyballs on the floor. He wouldn't even care if Daichi or Ukai told them to run suicides for the entire practice. He needed distraction. He needed to forget, even for a little while.
He changed in what felt like milliseconds and he was in the gym faster than he ever had been in his life. If he was still racing Hinata…he would have won.
He began to practice his serves as the rest of the Karasuno volleyball club trickled into the gym. A shock of orange hair walked through the doors and the ball Kageyama had just tossed into the air landed solidly on his head. He grumbled when he heard a familiar snickering as he went to retrieve the rolling ball.
"That was so stupid," Hinata said as he approached, "How did that even happen?"
"Shut up!" he responded immediately, "You've definitely done worse!"
"Not to myself I haven't!"
"Don't make me send this ball straight into your face."
"Ooh, I'm so scared."
Kageyama reached one hand out towards Hinata prepared to toss him over his shoulder out of his way but stopped short. He pulled his hand back to his chest. Hinata's haughty smile slowly faded.
He couldn't do that anymore. It may have been a part of their daily interactions but Kageyama needed to pull that up by the roots now. He still wanted to touch Hinata way too much; he still wanted Hinata way too much. He couldn't trust himself to treat Hinata the way he always had and hope his heart didn't give out.
"Guys!" Daichi called from the door making them both flinch. "We just got here. At least let me get practice properly started before you both start going in on each other."
They stared silently at one another. Kageyama wanted to jump out of his skin. Hinata didn't look any different and it was driving him nuts. He had foolishly hoped that his attraction to the shorter player would be severed after their talk. But no, he stood there in all his annoying glory, eyes a brilliant amber and shorts still working their magic and Kageyama wanted to throw himself in front of a bus.
"Umm," Hinata started, holding his arms to himself as though he was suddenly cold, "Do you think you could, if you want that is, toss for me today? At least for a little while?"
Hesitance didn't know how to fit on Hinata. It was awkward and unnatural, and Kageyama hated himself for making him wear it. Confidence suited him much better and if he had to swallow every bad feeling he had in order for Hinata to have it again he would.
"Don't be stupid. Of course I am. As if I would let you skip out on practicing our quicks."
Hinata breathed a happy sigh of relief. Kageyama felt lighter. At least he could do this much.
The rest of the week's practices went much the same way. He and Hinata were learning how to deal with each other all over again for what felt like the millionth time. Sidestepping, careful to avoid talking about what had happened. They argued about anything and everything only to stop short like a car slamming on its breaks when they got too close. Kageyama watched as Hinata began to take special care not to touch him, following in Kageyama's example from earlier. No shoving or throwing each other around. No high fives or fist bumps. Hinata wouldn't jump on him just for attention, Kageyama kept his hands from squeezing his head in annoyance.
When either one of them caught the other's eye they hastily looked away even if it had been an innocent glance. This left Kageyama in an almost constant state of awareness because, without his explicit say so, he couldn't help but seek out bright orange fluffy hair whenever Hinata wasn't in his immediate vicinity. He even went so far as finding himself hoping to catch a glimpse of him in the school hallways. He could feel Hinata's absence from his life even though they shared the gym for hours every day. It was like living under a permanently cloudy sky. You knew the sun was back there but the warmth couldn't reach you.
They walked home together because to do otherwise felt like an admission that something huge had happened and Kageyama didn't was to face that. There was so much he wouldn't say. They would make small talk, the kind that was utterly meaningless until they eventually petered off into a dry silence that left a dusty taste in his mouth.
He hated it, but this was the best method to get back to normal. He didn't think it was working quickly enough however. It had almost been days since 'the event' and already he had been asked a million times what was happening with him.
Suga had gently asked if he and Hinata were fighting again.
Asahi asked if he was feeling sick these days.
Even Tsukishima had stopped him during a water break and asked him, "Just what the hell is going on with you lately? It's weird."
He never really knew how to answer except to tell them he was fine and that nothing was wrong. They meant well he knew but he didn't think he could articulate the mess that was in his head in a way they could understand. Especially not when it might accidentally make its way back to Hinata. For now, his annoying feelings would stay buried. He and Hinata were steadily re-cultivating their way back to baseline no matter how barren the soil.
OoO
Kageyama's eye was twitching.
"Are you trying to waste my time?"
Hinata waved his hands in front of him.
"No! The light just got in my eyes!"
"Bullshit!"
"Just do it again!"
Kageyama had been running Hinata absolutely ragged with their quick practice for the last hour. He didn't know if they would try their weekly park practice tomorrow so he wanted to get in as much work as possible. It was also a good excuse for him to take out his frustrations on the person who caused them.
"Go easy on him," Suga called knowing full well he may as well be talking to a brick wall.
"They don't know the meaning of the word," Daichi said before taking a drink from his water bottle.
Kageyama set for Hinata again. He followed the ball's movement as it arched through the air into Hinata's waiting palm. Kageyama also watched as Hinata's eyes focused on him instead of the ball. No one would have known since Hinata's spike was a successful one even if it had wildly missed the center of the court he had been told to aim for.
"Nice one, Hinata!" Yamaguchi yelled from the other side of the gym where he was practice his serves.
Hinata landed and gave a mock bow. "What'd you think, Kageyama? Better?"
He was obviously waiting for some positive reinforcement, but Kageyama could only think of hazel eyes locked onto him from the air, like he was being targeted by a bird of prey. He didn't want Hinata to ever stop looking at him like that. That intensity that demanded respect, promised war, Kageyama knew he would never get over it like he had hoped.
"Where did you think you were looking? You have to focus on the ball when it's coming to you."
Hinata crossed his arms, instantly on the defensive.
"I was focused. I got it didn't I?"
"Like hell you were!"
"I wasn't even looking in your direction!"
"I didn't say that!"
Hinata clenched his jaw and frowned fiercely at him, eyebrows drawing low over his flaming irises. He was properly pissed and Kageyama felt like a special kind of pervert for finding it so attractive.
"Whatever! Just tell me to do it again then until I satisfy you!"
Kageyama choked a little at the phrasing before forcing out, "I will!"
Hinata stomped away from him and Kageyama could hear Yamaguchi tell someone, "I was right, wasn't I?"
Kageyama inhaled deeply. He was exhausted. He was tired of starting fights all because he wanted to feel better. It wasn't working. It wasn't enough.
He tossed the ball into the air. Heard the squeaking of Hinata's shoes. Hinata was in the air and slamming the ball down. Kageyama didn't know if he would ever be able to look away from a sight like that.
"How about now?"
"Again."
Volleyball in the air, Hinata right behind it. Kageyama wanted to reach out after the ball if it meant getting closer to his spiker.
"Better?"
"Once more."
Up, up, everything was going up. The ball, Hinata, Kageyama's heart rate. There was no way he would be able to ever bring it back down. He couldn't keep going like this. He felt how he felt and the universe didn't seem inclined to change its mind.
Kageyama was in love with Hinata.
The ball landed dead center on the mark.
"C'mon," Hinata huffed, sweat trickling down his temple, "That one was perfect!"
Kageyama nodded. Hinata smiled proudly and Kageyama could feel the beginnings of a grin on his own face. Hinata ran up to him with both hands outstretched expectantly only for him to skid slightly before he could collide into his setter.
"I…I uh," Hinata's hands started to slowly drift back down like feathers from clipped wings. Kageyama caught one and properly gave it the high five he had clearly been looking for. Hinata bloomed back to life and Kageyama that he had been behaving incredibly stupidly. How was he supposed to want Hinata to look like anything else besides happy?
Perfect, he thought.
Hinata's cheeks started to pink and he quickly took his hand back.
"Think I can go for two in a row?" Hinata asked as he walked backwards to get another ball from the cart.
"Doubt it."
He needed to do something soon or he was going to self-destruct.
OoO
Kageyama took the fastest shower of his life and threw his gym clothes into his bag. He needed to get home quickly. He needed to make a plan. He didn't know what kind of plan but he needed to make one and he couldn't do it here where Hinata was in close proximity, it would just throw him off his game.
"Hey."
"Not now," Kageyama responded throwing on his jacket.
"I need to talk to you."
Kageyama looked back at Tsukishima who stood behind him, his bag casually thrown over one shoulder. Was he still mad about their fight? That had been a week ago now. Or had he done something else recently? Tsukishima usually had no qualms about voicing when something displeased him the second it happened and he hadn't said anything to Kageyama lately.
"About what?" Kageyama asked suspiciously.
"Follow me."
Kageyama arched an eyebrow as Tsukishima started walking towards the locker room exit.
"That's it? Do I look like Yamaguchi to just follow whatever you say? What do you –
He was abruptly cut off when Tsukishima turned back and served him a sharp glare. Kageyama huffed in displeasure and followed, but not before making a mental note to never try that again with Tsukishima unless he wanted to actually get into a fist fight. Still, it was a nice thought that Tsukishima wouldn't hesitate to defend his friend even if he was a dick most of the time about it. Kageyama could relate to that at least a little.
Outside the building the sun was setting and draping everything in soft yellows and oranges. It reminded him of the time a little crow had fallen asleep in his arms. Tsukishima leaned against the building, one foot kicked up onto the wall and arms crossed casually.
"Well," Kageyama said unimpressed, "I'm here. What do you want?"
"You need to tell Hinata how you feel or I swear I'm going to tell him myself for you."
Kageyama felt like a computer that had just been hit with a blue screen.
"What are you talking about? I don't –
"Don't insult my intelligence by telling me it's not true," Tsukishima said readjusting his glasses, "I know what I've seen and honestly it's getting old."
"I'm not insulting your intelligence," Kageyama spluttered making air quotes with his fingers, "I'm insulting your eyes because I don't know what you think you're seeing but it doesn't exist."
It was a weak defense and it was clear they both thought so.
Tsukishima held up one finger. "You carried him through the rain."
"How-how did you even find out about that?" Kageyama asked taken aback. Hinata had been adamant that it remain a secret.
"What you think you were the only people in the area? Both Yamaguchi and I left after you. Honestly, you and the shrimp are both so stupid." He held up a second finger as Kageyama processed the fact that they had been spotted. "You both then had to exchange clothes." He leaned down with a patronizing smirk. "That's very cute by the way."
Kageyama frowned at the way he was being talked down to that had nothing to do with their respective height difference. "It was just the one time you ass! As if I would ever wear any of his things willingly."
He was close to panic. Everything he had been terrified of letting slip was being laid out before him by a silver bladed tongue prepared to cut him down with every syllable. He would lose everything again.
Tsukishima held up a third finger. "The way you play together is incredible."
Kageyama's breath left him in a long slow huff. "Umm, thank you?"
"Daichi and Suga have been playing together for years," Tsukishima said eyebrows drawing together, "And yet they aren't as in tune to each other as you and Hinata are and you just met this year. It's unnatural."
Kageyama couldn't tell if he was still being complimented. He was more worried about what Tsukishima would say next? How much did he know? How far could he read into his psyche? What hope did Kageyama have?
Tsukishima shrugged. "I also have a bet going with Yamaguchi about which one of you will confess first so I'm going to need you to step it up. It's the only reason I'm here."
Kageyama grabbed Tsukishima's shirt. "Are you kidding me? You're telling me all this so you can win some stupid bet?" He didn't know if he could throw the string bean around as easily as Hinata but he was willing to fuck around and find out.
"Calm the hell down, Your Majesty," Tsukishima said rolling his eyes at Kageyama's antics, "We're just the ones betting on it. I'm fairly certain the rest of the team is waiting on you two as well."
"They're…what?" Kageyama slowly released his hold on the shirt, "What are you talking about?"
The door beside them opened and their captain and vice-captain came through.
"Everything ok?" Daichi asked eyeing them suspiciously.
Daichi seemed to have a radar for trouble. Or maybe he had just learned to expect trouble when he left first years to their own devices.
"We're fine," Tsukishima said evenly as if he hadn't just sent an avalanche through Kageyama's mind, "Just talking."
"Right," Kageyama added, sure that if he said any more Daichi would pry.
Luckily for him, Daichi relieved himself of his Captain duties at the end of the week and he wasn't inclined on getting between two volatile first-years.
"Just don't kill each other," Daichi said waving behind him.
Suga followed but not before throwing out, "Oh, Kageyama, if you're waiting for Hinata he's still inside."
Kageyama felt his heart jump into his throat almost preventing him from replying. "Thanks."
"Told you," Tsukishima said with a smirk that could tear through steel.
"Shut up," Kageyama hissed, "That doesn't mean anything."
Tsukishima brushed his shirt free of wrinkles before he answered almost tiredly. "It most certainly does. The two of you have been pining for each other so obviously for months now and it's driving everyone else crazy. They won't stop talking about it and I'm sick of hearing it."
It was never you.
"But that's not possible," Kageyama said looking away. He could almost understand how Tsukishima put two and two together with his own behavior, after all he and Hinata had done the same, but it wasn't true. Hinata hadn't ever actually liked him that way in the first place. "He hasn't been pining after me."
"You really are stupid aren't you?"
Kageyama glared at his taller teammate. "Am not!"
"If you haven't realized how the shrimp acts around you then yes, you're stupid," Tsukishima said with conviction, "He looks at you like you invented volleyball. It's nauseating."
Kageyama's stomach flipped. He knew the exact look Tsukishima was talking about. He had been sure that he had invented the whole thing in his mind, making it up to support his ego and imagine his feelings were reciprocated.
"Look," Tsukishima said rubbing his eyes under his glasses with his thumb and pointer finger. "You two like each other. Honestly, it's better than ether of you going out into the world and subjecting some other poor soul to your personalities."
Kageyama was about to retort but Tsukishima stopped him with a held out hand. "But, I think it works and I'll be damned if I have to deal with you two treating each other like live ammunition for the rest of my high school life." Tsukishima leaned in close and poked a frowning Kageyama in the chest with each word. "So stop. Being. Stupid."
Kageyama was rendered speechless. He had never once in his life thought he would get a pep-talk from Tsukishima of all people and about confessing his feelings for someone of all things. He couldn't decide if it was better or worse than his similar talk with Oikawa.
But was he right? Did Hinata actually have feelings for him? Even small ones? Enough to give him those looks across the court that made Kageyama feel like a star was exploding inside him?
The door opened again, this time with Nishinoya hanging off of Asahi and telling him something that was turning Asahi a very bright color.
Tsukishima made a 'tch' sound through his teeth. "Maybe if you and Hinata properly get together that will encourage those two to get off their asses. They're almost as bad as you."
"They…them too?" Kageyama asked in disbelief looking from his two upperclassmen to Tsukishima.
Tsukishima released a long suffering groan. "Like I said, stupid."
Kageyama pinched the bridge of his nose. If he was so blind as to miss something like that then it was entirely possible that he didn't see whatever obvious signs Hinata was sending. Still, how much worse could he make things if he was wrong?
"Hey," Tsukishima said almost gently.
"What now?" Kageyama asked looking back up, not prepared for the next sucker punch he would undoubtedly receive.
Tsukishima looked off somewhere behind him and his mouth twisted unfamiliarly around his words. "You'll be fine. It'll work out."
He refused to look Kageyama in the eyes and Kageyama was grateful because this was insanely awkward. But…it was kind of nice too. Neither one of them were good at this sort of thing. The fact that the effort was made at all eased some of his worries. The world didn't end just because people knew about the feelings he had been so afraid of. In fact, he was being encouraged.
He needed to tell him.
"Does that mean you bet on me?" Kageyama asked with sudden realization.
Before Tsukishima could answer, the door beside them opened again. Kageyama's heart picked up right where it had left off, racing as it had so many times before.
**That moment when the mean girl tries to be nice. See you all next week for the thrilling conclusion? 12/24/22**
