PERHAPS YOU CAN KEEP THE LIGHTS OFF
Hello everyone. I've missed you all and writing so much, that I couldn't wait any longer. Last two weeks were very intense and I think that it won't change much, but this story has appeared in my brain and it won't let go, so here it is.
Story summary: Let's reverse pre marital doubts concerning physical attractiveness and make Charles the one who had them, instead of Elsie. This should be fun (hopefully).
Legal note: Don't own any DA character and never will.
Charles's mind was filled with different kind of thoughts recently. In all this Christmas and proposal confusion, he somehow wasn't able to gather his thoughts. But when first emotions fell, he started to wonder about one, very important aspect of his future marriage with Elsie.
Till now, he was sure, like he has never been sure of anything, that he wants to marry her. God knows that deep in his heart he always wanted this. There wasn't a woman in this world, who would be more perfect than Elsie. In his eyes she was everything. Her beauty, her character, her kindness, her wonderful sense of humor, which sometimes shocked him, but also made him laugh in spite of himself, it all make her a pure wonder.
When he finally decided to propose and it took him a really long time, he was wondering about different things. Where they would live, how is their marriage going to affect the rest of the household, will the differences of their characters won't be a problem sometimes..
There were a lot of things to consider. A lot things to think about. As much as he thought about it, he was rather optimistic. He knew Elsie long enough to know, that she is the one who can always fix the most complicated matters, to solve all, even the most difficult problems.
But there was one question that he had to deal with on his own, furthermore, it was a question that he would never dare to discuss with her. He felt embbarassed by the very thought of it. It was a question of their future intimacy.
Ever since he proposed, he was wondering, what were her expectations about it, if she had any...He always regarded her as a woman with high moral standards, so he doubted, that she would even think about things like that, but now, when they were engaged to be married, it was possible, that this question has entered her mind as well...
After all it was something that concerned both of them...Equally...She had to think about it, she had to wonder, what would it be like, once they will be married and go to their honeymoon and for the first time in their life, since they met each other, they will be all alone, as married couple, during time, which was designed to know your spouse that way... Intimately...
It was not that Charles didn't want that, because he did...Very much...Through the years all the wonderful Elsie's attributes were still attractive to him...They way she looked, the way she smiled, the way she smelled...Through those mutual years together, he sighed a lot, when he saw her...Because sinful, forbidden desires were existing in his mind...And sometimes he couldn't control it...
It wasn't that the lack of his experience frightened him, because it didn't...He and Elsie were in the same situation, she has never been with anyone that way too, so she must have felt similar.
What was bothering him the most, was an enormous complexes, that he had ever since he remembered and they arose through the years so much, that now it was impossible to forget about it.
When he was a little boy and he attended the local school in his family village, he always wondered, why any of the girls didn't look at him the way they looked at his other friends. He felt different and as he grew older this feeling was getting stronger.
When he started to perform on the stage with Grigg, he was surprised and shocked, how many women were after his stage buddy, but never after him...Grigg was always encircled with women and any of those women never seemed to have the slightest interest in him.
Grigg was making fun of him, as he saw his lack of experience and once he even offered Charles a trip to the house of ill repute, to as to quote him "taught him what life is all about". Charles was hesitant, but as Grigg insisted, he agreed, thinking that maybe it was the best idea to finally know this mystery of life.
Little did he know, that he was about to face one of the biggest humiliations of his life. When he and Grigg entered there and two girls were sent to "serve them", Charles overheard as one of them said to the other, that she wants to go with this guy on the left, because this big one is ugly and repellent...
He ran away from there, promising himself, that he would never go through another humiliation of that kind again.
Unfortunately for him, things have not progressed later, especially when Alice Neal entered their lives and Charles fell in love for the first time. He was shy and he treated Alice with nothing but respect, but she rejected him and choose Grigg, which left a dagger in his heart for always.
After that he didn't even try anymore. He convinced himself, that he was ugly and unattractive in the eyes of women, even though it was far from the truth.
As time passed and his career progressed, he met a lot of women. Downstairs ones and upstairs ones. But because of his early, pitiful experiences, he never noticed, how they were looking at him sometimes, he would never guess, that some of them had pure desire in their eyes, when they saw tall, handsome butler, with rich voice, that the thoughts which appeared in their heads, were far from the ones that should appear in ladies heads...
For him that chapter of life was over...He accepted the fact, that women were not interested with him, at least that was what he imagined, until the moment when Elsie started to work in the house.
Charles was struck by her from the very beginning, but because of those terrible experiences, he promised himself, to never reveal his true feelings to any other woman, ever again. So this time, he wanted to be friends with her first and then see where it would lead.
The tactic worked, as they have soon discovered, that they have a lot of in common with each other. They learnt to love spending time together, sharing the same work experiences and confide about their life events.
Charles fell in love with Elsie, more and more, but he was so terrified, that the same thing will happen again, that once again his feelings will be ridiculed, that he didn't have a courage to ask her for more, even though he wanted to..
If he saw any clear signs from her, that she felt the same way he did, maybe it wouldn't take him as long, but it did..He had to make sure, he couldn't allow himself to look pathetic in her eyes.
So he waited and waited and finally gathered the courage to ask her and to his surprise, she said yes and when she added, that she thought that he would never ask, he knew, that he waited too long. However that was not important now.
They were happily engaged and their long awaited happiness was to come true finally. But it was soon shadowed, by his doubts about the physical side of their marriage.
When he was thinking about it, he wanted to dig a hole and hide in it, because he couldn't think of himself as someone who can be attractive for any woman, especially for such gorgeous woman as Elsie.
She loved him and he had no doubts about that, they shared the same values, they were sincerely devoted to each other, but will it have any meaning when it comes to...To be close..?
Just a very thought of being undressed in her presence, made him panic a bit...What could he offer her? A late middle age giant body, with all it's imperfections?
He always felt like he was to tall, to fat and to everything...
His pale and round body, was not something that he wanted to offer to Elsie...How could he possibly cause a desire in her? She was so perfect in every way...Her face, her hair, her lovely figure...She had so much and what he had to give her in return? Not a lot...
He was sure, that even with all her love for him, she would not be interested with being with him that way...He would want that very much...But he didn't want to disappoint her, didn't want this loveliest woman to have to deal with this..With him...Would she want to kiss him, touch him, see him naked? How would he even know if she wanted this? He couldn't ask her, she would be offended by that...
For the first time in his life, he felt like he was in the situation when he couldn't win...
From one side, he was desperately in love with Elsie and would give anything to have a confirmation from her, that she wanted him...All of him, but from the other side, he was so terrified, that once again he would experience rejection, which was unbearable...
He barely could take it, when he went through it in the house of ill repute, with some strange fallen woman, that he didn't care about at all and somehow, she managed to hurt him so much ,saying what she was saying, but now...
To know that the woman he loved, like he never loved anyone else, could let him know in some way, that she also didn't want him that way...No, he could never take it...
He decided, that in this particular situation, the best solution would be to pretend, that these things don't exist. That there was no reason, to search for an intimacy in this marriage...He would be quite surprise to find out, that Elsie had an entirely different opinion about this question...
That's all for this chapter...That was fun to write...And interesting, because I find Charles Carson (and Jim Carter of course) the most handsome man on the planet, so writing about his insecurity of being attractive was kind of surreal :D Besides I always find that a little odd, that Elsie was the only one who had pre marital doubts. In the next chapter, we will know Elsie's point of view to this situation. Hope you liked this first chapter and that you will want to know the rest. Have a wonderful Easter weekend. See you soon!
