PERHAPS YOU CAN KEEP THE LIGHTS OFF-2

Hello all. Yesterday I was surprised with your proofs of appreciation for the story and I'm touched. It's nice to know that you have such faith in me. I will try my best to not to let down your expectations. So here is the second chapter of the story, Elsie's point of view.

Elsie was a little confused about the whole situation. When Charles finally asked the question, that she has been waiting for such a long time, she was over the moon. At some point of her life, she lost hope of that ever happening. She knew Charles very well and she suspected, that he would not have the courage to change the situation, in which they were living for over twenty years.

His aversion to changes was a fact. However by some kind of miraculous turn of events, he finally did it. He asked her to be his wife on Christmas Eve. It was not an exaggeration to say, that this was the most beautiful gift that Elsie ever got for Christmas.

Ever since she came to work at Downton, she knew, that Charles Carson had her heart and that he was the only man she ever wanted to marry. She didn't have much experience in the love area. Besides Joe Burns and his shy advances in their youth, she never experienced such deep feelings for anyone.

She couldn't admit it to anyone but herself, but there were no doubts, about her being madly in love with him.

Being a woman of her times, even with more modern views, than most of the women she knew, she could never confess that to anyone. This world rules were clear. If a man was in love with a woman, everyone found that touching, but when a woman was in love with a man, she was needy and kind of pathetic. And the last thing that Elsie would want, was to look ridiculous and pathetic in his eyes.

So she accepted their relation based on friendship, a very good friendship, which was developing with years, as they became closer and closer to each other.

Charles liked her, trusted her and confided in her and she reciprocated all those feelings, but that was not all. She loved him and she was still searching for some kind of signal from his side, that he loves her too, but he was so distant and stuffy, that it was difficult to figure out what he was thinking.

In time, Elsie decided to take their relation on another level and she started to act a little bit like his wife-she was taking care of him all the time. Doing small things, like stitching buttons, mending his livery, making sure that had all his favorite food during meals, watching his tea time-he was sometimes so caught up in his work, that he forgot about the break, that he was suppose to have.

In less or more obvious way, she always found a way of showing him how much she cared about him.. And she could only hope, that he would notice that. After all, that was exactly what she wanted from life. She wanted to be his wife, to take care of him, to make him happy, even with the smallest and most insignificant things.

Now, when they were engaged, she thought, that not much will change once they will marry. She was already pretty skilled in taking care of him, she knew how to do the job. However there was one crucial difference now. Except all of those rituals, that she has been practicing with him for years, there was one more thing, that was suppose to change, once they will be husband and wife. At least Elsie was hoping that it will. The question of their intimacy, of them being close, united...

Elsie was blushing, whenever she thought about it. She had absolutely no experience in that area, but that was typical for the women of her times. There was nothing wrong about that. But one thought couldn't leave her in peace.

Was it proper that she was thinking about it? That she was imagining them being a real husband and wife? Was it proper that she really wanted this? And that she couldn't wait for this moment...? Probably not...But Elsie didn't care much about propriety, she cared about showing Charles how much she loved him and how much she wanted to be close to him.

Being in love with him for so long, watching how handsome he looked everyday, how appealing he was to her, she could hardly wait to be authorized to finally have him all to herself, like she always wanted...

Unfortunately, soon after they were officially engaged and Elsie was already hoping, that this will cause a change in their relations, that they could afford to have at least some kind of small, intimate gestures- like kisses, touches..She wanted it very much and she was wondering, why Charles didn't iniitate any of that... He should be the one to initiate it...Elsie could do it on her own, but she didn't want to see to eager in his eyes, becasue it would not be proper and she knew, how obsessed he was about propriety...

As time passed, she got more and more frustrated...She loved that old fool so much and she was waiting for so many years to kiss him and touch him and now he didn't want to do any of that...In her desperation, she started to wonder, if maybe this was her fault-maybe he wanted only a marriage on paper, maybe he just wanted two people living under the same roof, as husband and wife, but without actually being husband and wife for real...

She couldn't stand that thought...All those years, she had so many secret fantasies about Charles Carson and now when she was already so close to making them come true, he suddenly started to withdraw from their closeness. To her despair, Elsie noticed, that in fact they were much more apart now, than they were before they got engaged... All the happiness and all the excitement, that she felt before, were vanished now, as Charles seemed to get further away from her, instead of being closer.

She was wondering how to solve this problem, she couldn't possibly talk to him about it. To ask his intentions. She would die of embbarassement, if she was to talk to him about it, but from the other hand, she had to talk to someone about it, before it will be too late, before they will both go into this marriage with different expectations. After the wedding, it will be too late to change anything.

Elsie has been stuck in the situation, which was not completely to her liking for the last thirty years and she was not about to change it to another situation, which will not suit her needs completely.

She decided to talk about it with her friend, the only true friend that she had in the house besides Charles, Beryl Patmore, who was supporting her in difficult times and made her laugh in lighter times.

She asked her for a moment of conversation, late at night, when everyone else already went to sleep and being red and embarrassed, she explained the nature of her problem...

"Oh dear...I would never expect that in my late middle ages, I would be a mediator in such delicate matter..."

"I'm really sorry Mrs Patmore...I didn't want to drag you in such personal things, but I don't know what to do...I don't understand his behavior...He asks me to marry him and then he is acting like he really didn't want it...Maybe he just needs someone to take care of him at his old age, maybe he doesn't have feelings for me..."

"Get away with you! He is in love with you ever since I can remember...There must be something else here..."

"But what? I know that I'm not exactly a young girl, not so pretty as I was before and my body is not..."

"I'm sure that's not the problem too...He looks at you like he wants to devour you, whenever he thinks that nobody is watching, but nothing goes unnoticed with Beryl Patmore...Maybe he is just shy and he is afraid of the marital relations, but there are always things to fix that..."

"What do you mean Mrs Patmore?"

"Well, you can always keep the lights off when you..You know..."

"Mrs Patmore, I ask you! We shouldn't talk about things like that!..."

"Now I'm confused here...What exactly are we talking about here? I thought that I was suppose to help you here..."

"You were, but..."

"I'm sorry Mrs Hughes, but there is no other way, if you want me to help you, we need to speak openly.. So let's start from the beginning...You love Mr Carson and you want to be married to him.."

"Yes. I want it very much...I always have..."

"All right. As I understand, you want to have a real marriage with him, with intimacy and everything.."

"Well...I...I.."

"Oh come on...Spit it out!"

"Well..Yes...I want a real marriage with him, but right now, I'm not entirely sure he wants that too..."

"I'm sure he does...You should have seen some of the looks he is giving you...He loves you and he wants to be close to you...I'm guessing you have no earlier experiences in that area..."

"Of course I do not!"

"Calm down, that was just a question...In that case, I can see only a one good reason why he is behaving like that..."

"Please tell me, what the reason may be?"

"I'm guessing in the dark here, but I suspect, that he doesn't have any experience in that area either and he is simply afraid, that he will let you down in that sphere of life somehow...After all, it is expected from men to be experienced in that area and to take the lead in the marital activities..But since he has none, it can be the core of the problem here.."

"I find it hard to believe...Charles Carson has no experience? He is so handsome and so attractive, have you ever seen how women look at him? Not just the maids, but upstairs women also...He spends few moths in London with the family each year, he performed on stage in his youth, do you really think, that it's possible that he didn't...No, that's not it...There are a lot of women who would give a lot to be with him that way and..."

"Oh my...I can see that you really have high opinion of him Mrs Hughes..And you definitely are eager to..."

Elsie blushed violently...

"It's just so difficult to believe that he..."

"I see no other possibility here, but if you wish to solve this problem, there is only one way..."

"What way is that?"

"You need to speak to him about it..."

"You can't be serious...! How am I suppose to do that?!"

"You have to find a way...Otherwise you will enter this marriage being unhappy and not satisfied about the arrangement and that's not what you want.."

"But how am I suppose to ask him if he wants to be intimate with me? I will die of embbaressment..."

"You don't have to be so precise...Just tell him, that you noticed a change in his behavior and he will have to explain why he acts like that...I'm sure you will find solution together..You know each other for so long...You've talked about so many different things..."

"But nothing like that...Maybe I should just leave it as it is...Accept the reality...The way that it is.."

"And live with him as brother and sister, when it's obvious that neither of you wants it that way?...Come on Mrs Hughes...You know very well, that you are the braver one in this relationship...You need to act.."

"I will do my best...This is going to be the most difficult conversation ever..."

"If anyone can do it, it is you...Come on, let's have a drink...We deserved it..."

"We sure did...Thank you Mrs Patmore...You are the only one that I could talk about things like that..."

"Always at your service..."

So, one more time, Beryl to the rescue ;-) But this time, Elsie will have the conversation with Charles on her own...Poor guy would probably faint, if he had to admit to Mrs Patmore about his insecurities, I can't do that to him..In the next chapter, there will be a conversation between Charles and Elsie ;-) Hope you liked this one. Thank you for reading and reviewing. Have a wonderful day!