Usually on the 4th July I'd wake up to the sound of 70s rock n roll, and the smell of pancakes drenched in butter. My mom and I would eat together then go hang out at Ted's until they all headed out to the carnival. I'd hated carnivals since I was a little kid and got lost in the dark for almost 6 hours, accidentally wandering too far from the park and ending up in the woods where a guy injecting something into his veins tried to drag me home with him - the thought of it still made me shiver. Today I woke to complete silence, finding a sticky note on the refrigerator with my mom's lazy cursive scrawled across it. "Got a call to cover tonight's shift - wake me before Eddie comes over." Disappointment surged through me, my mom had always been a hard worker but for the last few months she'd been running herself into the ground taking every overtime or cover shift she could get and cancelling plans with me nonstop. There was nothing I could say to her though, my mom hated people giving her advice.
From the moment I'd gotten into the shower the all too familiar feeling of discomfort enshrouded me; I couldn't even look down at my body whilst I washed, and stood with my back to the mirror whilst towelling off. In my bedroom I flung the towel over the free-standing mirror, but caught a glimpse of myself first. That glimpse was all it took for the tears to come streaming down my face. For the most part I was pretty good at pushing through my dysphoria but there were days when it really stabbed me in the chest and I wished I could simply disappear. Honestly in the future I hope science finds a way to make boobs detachable - being able to set them down and pick them up again when I felt like it. Covering the mirror and laying in a ball was the only way to avoid hurting myself, punishing my body for being so girly. I don't know how many hours passed as I laid there until the phone began ringing. I ignored it. It rang again. Yanking a blanket over myself, I trotted downstairs. "Hello?" I did my best to sound perky. "Does your mom like red or white wine?" Eddie asked. "She likes red, but you don't have to bring anything tonight - " I tried to explain but Eddie interrupted, "I'm not coming over without bringing something. It won't be a fancy label but it's alcohol all the same." He chuckled, momentarily bringing a smirk to my face. "You can bring it, but she won't drink it, she's gotta work tonight. Sucks but I expect they're paying her double." I listened to Eddie's breath over the line for a few seconds before he spoke, "More wine for us then." When I didn't laugh Eddie spoke again, "Everything okay?" I was standing in my kitchen at 2pm wearing nothing but a blanket and avoiding every reflective surface in the house. "I'm fine." I lied. "Don't bullshit me Rain." Eddie replied. With a long sigh, I recounted my morning to Eddie. "I wish I could do something to help." He said at last. "It's okay, just listening has helped a bunch, seriously. I don't expect anyone to know how to help me." I mumbled. Eddie's voice sounded pained when he responded, "I know. I also know you won't believe me when I tell you you're perfect; but it's the truth, even on the days you don't see it." Once again I was on the verge of telling Eddie Munson I loved him.
At 3:45 my mom descended the stairs smelling like lavender soap, with her hair scraped back into a bun. "Sleeping Beauty awake at last." I smirked at her. "Ha ha" she replied, going straight for coffee. "So you're completely dipping on the movie marathon?" I asked, leaning on the counter top. She necked the coffee with a finger held up to me before answering, "not completely - I got time for one movie if we start as soon as your boyfriend arrives. I'm leaving you some cash for dinner too. Don't argue, Its my treat." Eddie arrived bang on 4pm, a bottle of red in his hand, "Hi." He smiled at me, showing all his teeth. I suddenly felt like jelly inside. "Hi." Was all I could say back. "Hi" my mom appeared behind me and shocked us both from our goofy smiling contest. "If I knew you were bringing wine I would've turned down the shift, thank you Eddie that's very kind of you." She wrapped an arm around his shoulders and kissed his cheek when he strolled in. "You look amazing tonight." Eddie brushed his fingers across my cheek and kissed my forehead, looking me up and down in my baggy checkered shirt and black shorts. I sat between my mom and Eddie, being the designated human table for the bowl of popcorn as we watched The Dark Crystal. My mom and Eddie kept peering round me to gush over everything Jim Henson whilst I remained quiet and content listening to the two people I loved infinitely chatting and laughing together. When the movie ended and my mom had to leave for work, I walked her to the car. "He seems like a good one." My mom nodded towards the house. I grinned, "Because he likes Jim Henson?" She nodded her head with a laugh, "That certainly gives him brownie points." Eddie was getting another movie set up, tucking long hair behind his ears as he fiddled with the buttons on the tempramental machine. "You gonna stand and stare at me all night, or you gonna call the pizza place?" He winked at me. Eddie and I held up the tradition of pigging out and binging movies; during our 3rd movie Eddie lay between my legs with his head resting on my stomach, feeling like a weighted blanket. I twisted my fingers through his hair lightly, barely paying attention to the movie. When the credits began rolling, Eddie shuffled his way up to my head, nose touching mine. "Wanna go outside and watch the fireworks?" I asked with a raised brow. Eddie didn't answer at first, grazing his lips over mine, softly kissing me. I needed more so I pulled him in closer and ran my tongue over his. "I'd rather do something else..." He whispered seductively.
