Chapter 4
Eden Sank
Sunlight broke weakly from the grey skies, casting yellow light on the skyline of New York. The wind carrying a cool breeze, the air smelling of a stuffy smog that people had grown all too accustomed to.
Ash's fingers had turned blue.
From the arrival of winter, to his empty stomach, his body worked itself into intense shivers often. The moment he'd noticed the sickly colour of his fingertips he'd hidden them into his pockets, steadily following behind Eiji, making his best efforts to appear normal while battling his spinning head.
Eiji had the foresight to wear a pair of warm woollen gloves for their meeting, keeping himself safe from the cold.
The two of them walked along the paths of Central Park.
"I finished the book," Ash said calmly.
Eiji's eyes widened," Already? I mean I know it's a short book but it took at least a month to get through."
"You don't read," Ash smirked.
"Well, yes, but still."
"I read it in a day," Ash boasted proudly.
"I believe you," Eiji giggled softly.
Their shoes trailed along the long stone path, the trees whistled in the breeze. The birds singing, despite the cold. It was pleasant.
A calm, peaceful feeling rushed through Ash. It was a feeling he missed, and that Ash had long since thought he'd forgotten.
After so long, it felt good just to talk to someone, to know someone wanted him around. It gave a kind warmth to Ash's heart. His meetings with Eiji were becoming more and more common. And every time Ash could feel himself growing closer to Eiji, and Ash didn't mind.
Learning about Eiji was nice. Eiji was nice. He was someone Ash cared about.
It was just another day with Eiji. Just another day with a friend.
The sky was overcast, with barely any blue insight. Yet neither of them seemed to mind since it wasn't raining and they were both warm in their coats. Eventually, they came to a bench and sat side by side.
"Did you like the book?" Eiji asked.
Ash thought carefully for a moment then said," I did...it was sad though" After a moment of silence Ash said," Did you like it when you first read it?"
Eiji glowered,"If I'm being honest, I read it a few years back, and I don't think I remember it very well. I just remember being really depressed when I finished it. I felt lost and confused, like... I don't know. Kinda just forgot about it, until we were talking about books, 'cause it's one of the only books I've ever read."
"It's a true story."
"Huh?"
"The book. It's real. Well, not all of it, but the author put a lot of his life into it...that's why it was so sad."
"Oh..."Eiji stammered," I didn't realise..."
"Osamu Dazai. His real name was Shūji Tsushima. He bore his soul on the page. All the pain and emptiness you feel in those pages...those were real."
Eiji shuffled uncomfortably," It's awful...How much pain a person can feel."
Ash noticed Eiji's eyes saddened, and he instantly switched the subject, hoping to lighten the mood.
"So, Eiji, can you read?" Ash teased.
Eiji's cheeks turned red," What's that meant to mean?"
"Can you read, like, at all?"
"Of course I can!" Eiji shoved his hand into Ash's face. Ash was unsure of what he was trying to achieve, but Ash quickly broke out of his grip, laughing.
"Just because you're a book nerd!" Eiji hissed, crossing his arms, not meeting Ash's gaze.
"Come on, Eiji, I was only joking."
"Pfft." A soft sound came from Eiji's lips. Ash blinked, staring at him as his arm's unlocked and he smiled, giving a low chortle. Ash joined in, both their voices breaking into a gentle tone.
"I actually used to read more when I was a kid," Eiji said. "I just stopped as I grew up, I stopped finding books interesting. Manga and video games seemed more fun."
"Games, huh? I never really liked them that much."
"Before I came here, I...I was in my room a lot. I didn't have a lot of things I could do, so I just played games, just for a little bit! I wasn't a shut-in!"
Ash shrugged slightly," There's nothing wrong with that."
Eiji seemed to soften a little. The air seeming slightly more chilly, as Ash shivered again. He hoped Eiji did not notice, but it was hard to hide his frequent shaking. Of course, Eiji did notice.
"Are you okay?" Eiji asked.
Ash nodded," Just cold."
"Maybe we should go inside... The shops don't seem that far away, and we haven't had lunch yet."
Ash winced his stomach churning at the mention of food," I'm not hungry."
"Oh..."
Another cool breeze brushed past them, as strangers with dogs walked past them. cyclists rolling down the path. Even in the cold, families held pick nicks, bickering cheerfully while they shared each other's time. The grass just as bright and green as any summer day.
The wind blew, Ash felt a weight press into him, as he tensed, turning to his side. Eiji had squeezed closer to him, just barely touching him, his body's warmth washed over Ash. They were inches from each other. Eiji was beaming but didn't say a word, Ash could barely think of anything to say.
Eiji wasn't touching him, nor reaching out for Ash's body. He wasn't trying to kiss him. He was only smiling at him, trying to help him feel warmer, even so Ash was tense. Eiji noticed immediately, and opened the distance slightly.
Eiji frowned,"Sorry-"
"Don't apologise, It's fine, you just startled me, that's all."
Eiji smiled again. Ash shuffled over, bridging the space between them, so both of them were touching, side by side.
"Do you think it's going to snow?" Eiji asked.
"I hope so," Ash replied. "I like it when it snows."
"Me too."
A cool breeze brushed past them again, but Ash didn't feel himself shiver. Instead, he felt Eiji's coat pressing into himself. It was tempting to let his eyes flutter shut, to feel at peace with the heat warming him. Even if the bench was stiff against his back, it didn't feel uncomfortable.
Again, Ash felt the warmth in his chest only burn more. A peaceful flickering, like a candle in his heart, shining brightly.
Then he heard Eiji gasp.
"ASH!"
Ash snapped to Eiji, feeling Eiji's hands curled around his fingers. Ash's fingertips were a deep purple and looked sickly. Ash was partly grateful that he had no bruises on his wrist, or he'd have to explain how he got them to Eiji.
Eiji pulled off his gloves and placed them into Ash's open palm.
"Here." Eiji said."Keep them."
Ash was about to protest but Eiji continued,"I won't take no for an answer. I had plenty of other pairs, keep them."
Ash silently accepted the gloves and put them on. They were very comfortable, and soft, and surprisingly well fit for his hands. He smiled nodding gratefully at Eiji for his kindness.
Like a hot meal from Nadia, or the secure embraces Griff used to give him. Ash felt like he was truly happy for the first time in what felt like an eternity.
After several hours, Blanca's voice sounded like white noise. An annoying buzzing that kept going on and on... Ash stared at his textbook, and clicked his pen. Ash's eyes skimmed the poem several more times as he made rough notes in his work book.
The words on Ash's page began to blur together, his pen barely tracing over the page as he reread the poem again.
Blanca noticed," Having trouble?"
Ash shot up, looking at his teacher, who was drinking a cup of coffee in the kitchen, patiently waiting for Ash to finish his essay.
"No," Ash replied, tearing his gaze back to his textbook.
He wasn't having any difficulty writing his essay, nor reading the poem, his main issue was his dizziness. Blanca had noticed Ash declining any tea or coffee, and had been adamant about Ash not skipping meals, but his words fell on deaf ears.
"How about you take a break?" Blanca asked.
"I don't need one," Ash said bluntly.
Sighing, Blanca walked over to Ash, joining beside him on the table. Ash stiffened slightly, pushing himself away from Blanca, in an effort to avoid touching him.
"Is there anything you need, Ash?" Blanca said.
"No."
Blanca asked again,"Are you sure?"
Ash nodded," Just let me write, Blanca."
But instead of leaving, Blanca just hummed, sipping his coffee. Ash ignored him, rereading the poem a few more times. Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Frost. He was meant to write a page essay on something so short. Not that Ash minded, he'd dropped most of his subjects since being homeschooled over a year ago.
Most of his work was done over the internet, with Blanca coming to tutor him three days a week. It was comfortable and regular, even so Blanca always seemed to tread over his lines as a teacher. He knew all too well what kind of person Dino was, and made excuses for it.
" Nothing Gold Can Stay ," Blanca began to recite the poem.
He continued, " Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay ."
Ash glowered, beginning to write in his notebook, ignoring him.
Blanca continued to talk," I always felt sad reading this poem."
Ash kept writing, the ink of his pen quickly filling the page, as Blanca finished his coffee. He casually floated from the living room into the kitchen. Ash heard him clattering as he washed his mug and left it out to dry on the steel sink.
"Want anything?" Blanca beamed.
Ash kept ignoring him, reading over his essay, making mental notes and began rewriting it on the next page. He quickly reviewed his notes on the front page on essay structure, and rewrote it accordingly. Blanca loitered in the kitchen, Dino always let him eat whatever he wanted and even let him cook.
They'd known each other long before Ash was his student, but Ash doubted they were close. The friendliest thing the two of them Ash had ever seen was sharing a drink. They barely went out, nor really spoke to each other. Most of their conversations revolved around either sports, politics or Ash.
Ash remembered overhearing one of their many conversations from upstairs one day. The two men shared a bottle of wine, watching the television.
"Didya hear? Ash got himself a job." Dino had said.
"Oh?"Blanca responded. "Where?"
"At some library in Manhattan. He's quite busy, I almost never see him."
"Well, I think that's a good thing for a boy his age. Having a job."
"Is that so?"
"Certainly! He's a smart boy, he's had a hard time adjusting to all the things that's been happening to him lately. I think keeping himself busy would do him a lot of good."
"I hope so...He's been different. Really difficult. He always yells and fights with me."
"It's to be expected of a teenager."
"He needs discipline."
"Which is exactly why a job is good for him, it'll give him the discipline he needs."
To Ash's surprise, Dino agreed with him. But Ash also knew Dino was playing a role. His being a peaceful and kind Father figure was just a mask, and one he wore very well. Blanca didn't know the truth then Ash hadn't worked up the courage to tell him. He hadn't been brave enough to anyone. The things Dino liked to do to him, the things he'd say. The way he treated his adopted son, the child he brought into his home and forced to share the same last name.
Ash Golzine . It was a cross Ash was forced to carry. Just another mark Dino thrust onto Ash against his will, violating not only his body but his very name. His own identity. Every document he wrote on and card he held had Dino's surname, and it was sickening.
But no one knew, no one knew the anger that Golzine spilt into Ash, the fear that tormented him. He couldn't stand it.
"Ash?"
Blanca's voice came through Ash's thoughts, as he turned to his teacher.
"Yes?"Ash said.
"How's the essay going?"
"I finished it."
"Let's take a look," He grinned. Ash wanted to roll his eyes, but remained silent as Blanca hovered over his shoulder reading his essay. He smiled," Wonderful, as to be expected."
"So are we done?" Ash growled.
"Bored of me already are you?" Blanca teased.
Ash didn't respond. Blanca blinked and cleared his throat," Yeah, I think we can call it a day. Email me if you need any help, alright?"
Ash nodded.
"Is there anything you need?" Blanca frowned, his eyes suddenly filled with concern.
Ash balled his fists under the table, as he mumbled," There's something I need but it's not something you're willing to do. So, can you leave already?"
Ash's patience was beginning to wear thin. Blanca's constant facade of concern was grating on him.
"Other than that, Ash," Blanca stated. "Is there anything you need? Help to get to work? I don't know, anything."
"I don't need anything."
Blanca nodded, hanging his head and gathering his belongings, repeating his remark of "Email me if you need anything."
"Right," Ash called back.
In the doorway, Blanca paused, his hand still, as he looked back on last time and said,"Stay safe, Ash."
Then he left, the front door making a heavy slam. Ash heard Blanca's car drive off and Ash was left in the silence of the living room. It was rare for Ash to be alone, to be in peace, in this house. Not even the bugs that lived under the floorboards made a sound. The smell of mould filled his senses, giving him an overwhelming urge to shower.
Ash packed up his pens and school books, gathering them up in his arms and settling them all on the desk in his bedroom. Ash swiftly pulled out his phone, checking to see if he'd gotten any new texts, he'd been left on read by Eiji. Eiji was essentially the only contact on his phone, outside of one or two co-workers.
He didn't text anyone except Eiji. His phone was barely a year old, and it's not like Ash had many people to visit or talk to anyway. It was a little sad. He didn't have the contacts of anyone he knew from his public schooling years. Not Shorter, nor Sing...
As the names rushed back to Eiji it felt surreal. All their faces had begun to blur in his mind, none of their images clear anymore. Ash used to live in Manhattan after all, at North Park High School. His main means of transport being the bus or the subway, on some occasions, Dino drove him.
Ash still had all his old work books and textbooks hiding at the bottom of his bookshelf, with the same old copy of Catcher in the Rye he had read in middle school. He pulled it out, the spine badly ceased and the corners tattered. Ash tried his best to maintain his belongings, but no matter how careful and loving you were, everything ages.
He opened the first page, reading the first line. A smile growing on his face. Holden was a wild boy, someone that was much like a younger Ash. Rebellious and stuck up, yet still kind. His classmate Phoebe had caught his eye because of this book. She shared the same name as Holden's sister. Of course, Ash was only fourteen, he didn't know anything about girls, nor how to act cool when asking for a date.
His time with her had been short-lived. The memory of her hung nostalgically within his mind.
Though without expecting it, Ash didn't put down the book, instead the pages swept him away. Taking him back to the halls of his middle school, and the annoying yelling of the boys in his class.
They'd been so excited to read a book that was so offensive. Only once they reached the final page they all complained.
"Is that it?"
"What's so bad about this?"
Ash didn't know if the book was offensive or wrong once he read the final page the first time, all he knew was he understood it.
Blanca had quickly caught onto Ash liking books recommending him Islands in the Stream though he didn't like it very much. Eiji had recommended No Longer Human. And Ash couldn't deny it was a striking novel, albeit a dark one.
Something about it left Ash bitter, and lost for words. Perhaps it was the notes left in the back of the novels explaining the author's life, that a lot of the book was his life. The only word Ash could muster for the experience was despair.
Ash glowered, Eiji was too kind for his own heart. Given his reaction to A Perfect Day for Banana Fish he knew Eiji was sensitive. Kind. Empathetic. Anything that was threaded into the realms of pain and suffering upset Eiji, it overwhelmed him.
Eiji's eyes looked so sad, so intense, that Ash knew no words would make Eiji happier. He just wanted to reach his hand out, and gingerly press it to Eiji's shoulder. Eiji would give him a soft smile, not saying a word back, instead of placing his hand over Ash's.
Eiji was thoughtful, and his opinions were something Ash enjoyed. His opinions on America and the way he spoke about Japan were new to him. Ash barely knew of that small island nation over the ocean. The food and music seemed so foreign to him, so different.
Of course, Ash knew about Anime and Manga, they were always popular with middle school and high school students. Though to his surprise, Eiji was pretty nonchalant about it. It was so common where he was from, that it must have been like an episode of The Simpsons on television.
Something that was everyday and normal, something that Americans didn't experience. Eiji was like another world, not because he was Japanese or anything like that, but because he was Eiji Okumura.
Before long Ash had finished all the pages of Catcher in the Rye. The same feeling always washing over him as he read the last pages, the same feeling of hopefulness. Holden was seventeen at the end of the novel. The same age of Ash now. The words felt more real to him now. The last words:
Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.
Those lines resonated with Ash more now than any other moment in his short life. Alone in his room, with the sky turning red, he could hear the distant cries of birds, and somewhere out there in the city, he knew Eiji was there, working hard on his degree. Somewhere Nadia and Shorter were living comfortably, and so was Sing. By now Blanca was home. The clouds passed in the sky, and Ash closed his book, carefully placing it back on his shelf and sitting back.
The silence was calming.
"Nothing gold can stay, huh?" Ash mumbled quietly to himself.
Swiftly Ash hovered over to his draw, checking his phone to see the time, only he saw an unanswered text. An unanswered text from Eiji. Ash smiled.
He unlocked his phone and read the unread texts.
Eiji: sorrryyyy I was gone so longggggg! I had a ton of homework and stuff. I barely looked at my phone, I just wanted to focus on studying, since there was an exam. I think I stuffed it up tho, hoping I didnt but who knows.
Eiji: Anwayys how are you?
Ash gave a huff, it meant to make out a laugh, but Ash barely had the energy to muster one. He replied back to Eiji.
Ash: I'm sure you did fine, Eiji! Don't be so hard on yourself! I've been well, also had a lot of homework to do. I have to write an essay on the Civil War.
Eiji: That doesn't sound so bad. I had to write an essay on different types of blurs and how to achieve them WITH EXAMPLES.
Ash: That doesn't sound so bad.
Eiji: NOT SO BAD?! MY ESSAY WAS 5 PAGES LONG!
Ash: Easy. I could write that in one or two hours.
Eiji: AS IF!
Ash: I'm serious, that's easy.
Eiji: I dont believe you!
Ash: Maybe you need to practice English more?
Eiji: Whats that meant to mean?!
Ash: It means you're a dummy.
Eiji: I AM NOT!
Ash giggled, hoping he was not going too far. He continued to text Eiji, typing into the app.
Ash: I'm just kidding!
Eiji: Sure! And how many languages can you speak Mr American?
Ash: Two.
Eiji: HUHHHH?
Ash: I know English and French.
Eiji: FRENCH?! HOW DO YOU KNOW FRENCH?
Ash: High school.
Eiji: THAT SO DOESNT COUNT!
Ash: Oh? Are you sure? Isn't that how you learnt English?
Eiji: THAT'S NOT THE SAME THING!
Ash: I think it is.
Eiji: I'd like to see you try speaking Japanese!
Ash: Ohhhh, I'm sure it's easy.
Eiji: Cocky ass hole.
Ash felt himself laughing more. Only he stiffened when he heard a rumbling outside the house. Swiftly Ash turned off his phone and hid it in a draw, under his clothes. He scrambled to open up a workbook and pretended to do homework.
Ash heard the front door open and he kept silent. Listening. There was shuffling, and heavy footsteps up the stairs, echoing down the halls. Ash held his breath. His bedroom door opened.
Dino stood in the open doorway, and Ash's eyes met his. He could barely muster a word when he said,"Hi, Dad." The words tasted like shit in his mouth.
"Hello, Ash," Dino said, his voice hanging heavy in the air. "How was school?"
"Good."
"Are you hungry?" Dino paused, "Of course you are - look how skinny you are! You're always hungry,"Dino smiled and Ash felt a knife twist in his stomach.
Ash's grip tightened around the book but he remained silent.
"I bought some Chinese. I know you're hungry, so come downstairs and we'll eat."
Ash said,"Okay."
He doesn't say anything else. He only gets to his feet, and abandons his books at his desk, as he follows Dino into a kitchen, where he is greeted with the scent of warm rice and curry. Ash stood at the edge of the room, as Dino casually gathered plates and cutlery.
Ash doesn't move. He waits for orders.
"Sit." Dino commanded.
Ash obeys.
He watched carefully as his 'father' placed cutlery on the table and opened the plastic containers, and sorting them into places, before placing them all on the Kitchen table. Ash watched carefully, Dino sitting across the table from him.
Ash's hands were balled into fists on his lap, hidden under the table, biting his tongue, at risk of drawing blood. Dino began eating. The older man's gruff voice made Ash's skin crawl.
"Ash, eat," Dino said.
Ash silently picked up the chopsticks next to his plate, and picked at the sliced chicken in it. He wasn't hungry, his stomach was already doing flips inside him, but Dino's eyes were piercing through him, and he didn't want to argue.
He ate. He ate the whole plate, ignoring the pain inside him, and ignoring his urge to vomit. He ate because Dino was watching. And once Dino's plate was empty, Ash cleared the table, putting everything into the dishwasher.
Dino left, going to the living room and turning on the television. Ash made sure he was distracted, and that the kitchen was spotless. Once it was done, Ash began walking up the stairs.
"Ash," Dino called. Ash stiffened at the foot of the stairs.
"Yes?"Ash said, his voice devoid of emotion.
"I'm glad you ate, you've been a good boy."
Ash rose up the stairs, the pain in his belly rising, he wanted to scream, his face quickening the moment he was out of Dino's sight. He pounced into the bathroom, locking the door behind himself, he felt himself pushing up his meal into the toilet.
His body heaving, as he choked. His skin was itching, his mind racing. But Ash kept himself grounded, washing his hands and mouth out, and flushing the toilet. The dirty walls made the itching of his skin worse.
Ash wanted to clean himself to scrub his entire body, he wanted to cry out. He had work tomorrow, and he had Dino in the house. Carefully Ash weighed his options. He didn't want to spark any alarm from Dino, he needed to stay a good boy.
Sinking to the floor, Ash huddled on himself. His fingers digging into his skin, his toes curling anxiously.
No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't run away. Those plans never worked. But Ash didn't want to lay down for Dino tonight, he didn't want to, he didn't want to, he didn't want to . He bit his tongue, feeling the hours tick on, as he sat on the bathroom floor, wishing he had asked Blanca to take him with him, wishing he could be with Eiji walking around the city, or sleeping on Nadia's cough.
Anywhere but this dirty old house, so far away from Manhattan and his old life. If only Griff were still here...
Ash's mind muddled over the past, he too often looked over his regrets, his mistakes. He didn't even know if he had a future to look forward to. He had no plans other than to survive. He had enough money saved up, he could rent an apartment somewhere else, he was sure he could. Or he'd leave New York, he'd find a home in Texas or Washington.
Nothing could be worse than living here, than seeing Dino every single day.
The sunlight drained from the window, casting orange over the tiled floor, and before Ash knew it, the room had faded into darkness. The darkness didn't bother Ash, the shadows were easy on his eyes, it was calming. It was a strange eerie sensation, darkness should be uncomfortable, a reminder of the things that have gone away, but it wasn't. It was strange, but Ash didn't think too hard about it.
Breathing gently, his lungs emptying, as he looked up. He could barely make out the ceiling, or its flaking paint. Yet the decaying entire house was all too vivid to Ash. The cockroaches crawling the walls, and under the floorboards, the grim and scum. They all were ingrained in him, from the moment he stepped inside the building the first thing he smelt was mildew. The scent was always lingering and still remained now.
He hated living here. From the moment set foot in this house, he'd hated it. The smell, the cockroaches, the dirt, all of it was rotten.
Knock, knock.
Ash jolted to his feet. His eyes fixed on the door. He could barely move, his breath seizing.
"Ash?" Dino bellowed behind the door.
"Yes?" Ash said, doing everything he could to keep his voice from shaking.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes."
"Are you coming out soon?"
Ash gritted his teeth, feeling his body move against his will, as he pulled the door open. Dino smiled, and Ash felt the bile in his stomach pushing up whatever was left from his dinner. His body kept moving, his mind beginning to go blank and Dino led him down the hall. His voice was piercing his ears, making his chest clench. The pain rose throughout his body.
Ash felt Dino pulling him, and laying him out on a bed. The mattress felt hard on his back. Ash kept wanting to scream, but he couldn't. Why again? Why was this happening again? Ash knew he was fighting, and hitting Dino, but he was overpowered.
Soon Ash's mind went blank, only filled with the screams that wouldn't escape his lungs.
There were bruises.
The welts of purple, blue and yellow slithering over Ash's wrists, along his collarbone and across his chest. Sitting in his room, his skin freshly scrubbed and raw, he saw the sun rising over the horizon, its yellow light filtering into his room.
His throat was parched. Not a word able to come out of it. He read the clock face on his bedside table. He had to go to work in five hours. Not that it mattered. That didn't keep Ash from covering his body with clothes and slamming the front door behind him. His gum bleeding from how hard he was biting it, the taste filling his mouth, making him run. He ran all the way to the bus stop and caught the first bus then the first train to Manhattan.
The sound of iron scrapping was relaxing, the few people coming on and off, neither batting an eye nor noticing Ash. This was a busy city after all, and New York waited for no one. By the time Ash was off the train, he was left alone. Strangers passed by him, but he didn't recognise a single face.
By seven in the morning, the streets were crowded. Out of the underground, Ash settled himself on a bench, looking up at the sky as the sun rose higher. Its wear rays were warm on Ash's skin. It was beginning to snow. Small light snowflakes slowly fell from the sky, melting before they could reach the ground.
Ash's breath came out as puffs of mist in the air. He didn't say a word, he only watched the clouds pass as he wiped his eyes with his sleeve, but no matter how many times he passed his sleeve over them, he couldn't stop himself from overflowing.
The pain in his body didn't grow lighter, nor did it stop the weight pulling him down.
While the world seemed hazy, Ash glided through his work shift, barely noticing he was even working. He made sure he kept his long sleeve down at all times, and tried his best not to jump when someone approached him from behind.
It was easier now than it used to be. Dino said he wanted Ash to grow up to be strong, Ash hated to admit it but he'd achieved that one way or another. He could hide it. He could hide everything.
As his shift ended he was outside.
Ash didn't feel a thing. He could just walk, hollow, aimlessly wandering the streets, the same thought in his mind repeating over and over again.
I don't want to go home.
If he didn't return before dark Dino would punish him. And if Ash stayed out too late? Dino would make sure the police dragged him back to his doorstep.
Suicide was the only way out.
Ash shuddered. He was not afraid to die. He wasn't afraid to disappear. If anything he was more afraid of how Eiji would feel... In the small amount of time they'd known each other they had something special, only growing closer every second they were by each other's sides. It was something Ash had never experienced before, not even with Shorter.
Ash didn't want Eiji to be alone.
He decided to walk around the city aimlessly. The last place he expected himself to end up in was Chinatown.
The buildings were covered in bright colours and Hanzi symbols plastered on every sigh. It was something that always took Ash aback. It was a sensory overload. All new languages and smells (At least what you could smell over the smog).
Ash noticed his hands were turning blue from the cold, and he quickly stuffed them in his pockets. He wasn't wearing the gloves Eiji gave him. He was in such a rush this morning that he'd completely forgotten to put them on. He silently made a mental note to wear them next time he went outside. With snow beginning to fall, it was desperately needed.
Passing outside hair salons, restaurants, cafes and various other businesses, Ash glanced inside the stores. Just wandering. He headed in no direction, he just walked, crossing streets and keeping his head down.
The streets were scattered with rubbish, thrown away Chinese newspapers, and empty soda cans. The pavement was slightly wet from fallen snow that had melted. The weather seemed to be getting colder and colder everyday and it was only a matter of time until the streets would be blanketed with snow.
Suddenly white. Ash's vision was covered in an avalanche of white, a burst of pain hitting Ash's head. He heard voices. He opened his eyes, the world was blurry as it slowly came into focus, and the voices talking to him cleared.
He had fainted, and a small crowd of people had gathered in front of him, all of them staring, their expressions filled with concern and wonder.
"Are you okay," Asked a kindly older woman.
Ash swiftly jumped on to his feet.
"I'm fine." He said.
"Do you need anything?" Asked another stranger, but Ash only nodded and dismissed everyone who spoke to him. People offered his water, and a place to sit, but Ash declined.
"I'm fine." He said repeatedly, and soon he stepped away from the crowd.
Ash felt the emptiness within his belly more than ever, he felt the dizziness in his brain as the people who had stared at him disappeared from his sight. He had skipped breakfast, and lunch, in fact he hadn't eaten a single meal that whole day, and he had no plans to change that.
The gossiping voices from behind Ash seemed to deafen the further he got away, but then Ash called a familiar voice that made his spine tingle.
"Ash Golzine, is that you?"
Ash stiffened.
Should he keep walking or turn around? Every instinct in him was screaming at him.
Run. Get away. Get away from him.
But Ash took a deep breath.
And something stirred within Ash, something deep inside of Ash that gave him the strength to turn and face the owner of that voice.
"Ash!" Yut-Lung exclaimed, his eyes wide as if he were staring at a ghost.
But those eyes that stared at Ash were the same dark eyes Ash had known. Even with his mouth wide open, Yut-Lung was beautiful. He was one of those people who seemed to be beautiful no matter the situation. Like a princess in a fairy tale.
His long silky black hair was neatly tied behind him in a braid. His porcelain skin was the same. Even after so long, Yut-Lung looked exactly the same, just slightly older and slightly taller.
Ash didn't say a word. He felt Yut-Lung's staring daggers into him, and observed every inch of Ash's skin. It was unnerving. And still neither of them spoke, like if one of them made a sound they'd both disappear.
After another long stretch of silence, Ash grimaced, turning his heel.
"Ash, wait-"
Yut-Lung quickly caught up to him, placing his hand on Ash's arm, Yut-Lung's fingers squeezing into Ash's thin arm. Ash flinched, harshly tugging himself free from Yut-Lung's grasp.
"Don't you dare fucking touch me." Ash growled.
Yut-Lung didn't comment on Ash's tone, nor try to argue. He merely hid his dainty hands in his pockets.
"You...you look different," He said.
"So do you."
"Really?"
"Your hair is longer."
Yut-Lung's cheeks pinked slightly , and he smiled.
Ash felt nauseous.
When did Yut-Lung ever smile? When he hurt Ash,or when he wanted something. Yut-Lung never smiled out of kindness or joy, it was always for himself. A mask. A way to hide what he was planning and feeling on the inside.
Ash straightened his back, and grit his teeth. For whatever reason Yut-Lung was smiling, he didn't want to stay to find out.
"What do you want, Yue?" Ash asked.
Yut-Lung glowered,"Nothing."
"Cut the BS. What do you want?"Ash snapped.
Yut-Lung seemed offended,"I just want to talk, it's been over a year, Ash."
"You never want to just talk."
Yut-Lung raised his hands in surrender,"All these accusations."He shook his head,"I know we were never close in school, hell, we didn't even like each other. But it has been over a year! I'd just like to catch up, that's all."
Ash glared at Yut-Lung, trying to detect any malice or ulterior motives, but Yut-Lung's expression remained innocent. Ash felt himself relax, the change in his demeanour giving Yut-Lung hope.
"Are you busy?" He asked calmly."Like, now?"
"No."
Yut-Lung smiled again, again Ash felt his insides stir.
"What do you want to do?" Ash said.
"We could eat?"
Ash felt the emptiness of his stomach, his head still hazy. He hated to admit it to himself but was starving. Despite not wanting to eat, he relented and said," Sure."
Yut-Lung lit up, leading the way. The whole situation was surreal. The two of them alone together? It was unheard of. Never in his life, did Ash ever imagine he'd be alone with Yut-Lung, at least outside of Them raising fists and about to smash each other's faces.
But alas, somehow the two of them were walking side by side down a busy street, acting like any other teenagers. Any passerby would have thought they were even friends.
Yut-Lung spoke, "You know, who would have guessed we'd run into each other... since it's been so long, and yet somehow I just happen to bump into you... When I was turning the corner, I saw the crowd. I just wanted to see what the commotion was about. Then I saw you."
Ash didn't talk.
Yut-Lung continued," Shorter and Sing thought they'd never see you again. When you left school last year, we all just assumed you wanted some space after what happened. But then they never heard from you again. You just vanished out of thin air. There were a lot of rumours. Some people thought you'd moved out of state or even commit suicide."
Ash still remained silent.
"Arthur was the one who spread them, I mean what else would you expect from him? He was always stuck up. Always fighting you. He just wanted to feel special. He kept proclaiming he'd beat you, whatever that means."
Ash ran what Yut-Lung said through his head several times. The words are completely out of character for him. Of course, Arthur was being awful after he left, Ash never expected any better from him, yet Yut-Lung acting offended on Ash's behalf was new.
Arthur would trip Ash over, and steal his belongings. Ash would always retaliate with a kick and a punch. And of course, Ash was almost always the winner of their brawls.
Arthur was the type who fought Ash with his fists, Yut-Lung was the type who fought Ash with his wits.
Yut-Lung was the one who always loved spreading rumours about Ash. Since middle-school Ash and Yut-Lung had been sworn, enemies. Always fighting and always getting each other into detention. It was a common pastime for them to get under each other's skin.
While Arthur was Ash's physical rival, Yue was Ash's academic rival. When assignments or tests came they'd both study and practise always coming neck to neck for the highest in their grade. And Yut-Lung always tried to get on Ash's nerves, but his methods were planned and calculated.
Yut-Lung spread rumours and lies about Ash. Turn people against him with fibs. Saying things like Ash was a whore or a prostitute, that he'd seen Ash messing around with boys in the gym after class, or that Ash was sleeping with teachers.
Yut-Lung could never have known about what Dino did to Ash behind closed doors. How he liked to sell Ash and beat him. No Yut-Lung only knew about Ash's life outside that building. And how the other boys would look at Ash. How they stared at his eyes, and always called him "Pretty." How Ash only knew to flirt back, to get them to stop.
The rumours were half-truths. Ash never slept with anyone, he only did what he could to survive, and sometimes he had to pretend to be charming to the people who wanted him.
One teacher pretended to notice Ash had problems, pretended to care, pretended to understand that Ash was being taken advantage of...
But Mr Fox was the same as the rest of them. He locked Ash in a storeroom. And no one but them knew why Mr Fox had a broken nose and left the school not long after that day.
Ash sometimes wondered if Yut-Lung knew about it. The way he spread rumours, it felt like Yut-Lung had been watching, like he really did know.
But at this moment, Yut-Lung was acting innocent. Acting like Arthur was the only terrible person for finally catching onto the same tactic he'd used on Ash for years.
And still, Ash kept his lips tightly shut.
They came to a small noodle restaurant where Yut-Lung ushered Ash in. Ash quickly slid onto a chair by the wall, feeling some of his dizziness subside.
The restaurant was empty. It was small, with cleanly mopped tiles, and a few chairs and seats scattered across the room. There was a counter where the kitchen stood, with a single person standing inside it.
Someone began speaking in Cantonese, and Ash's ears pricked as he heard Yut-Lung reply in the same language. He'd never heard Yut-Lung speak another language, he'd never even heard Shorter or Sing speak Cantonese.
Yut-Lung was speaking to one of his older brothers. Yut-Lung padded next to Ash and asked," Is there anything you want?"
Ash frowned,"I don't care."
Yut-Lung seemed dumbfounded but he turned to his brother, switching back to Cantonese. Ash quickly tugged on Yut-Lung's sleeve. He turned to Ash.
"What?"
"I'd prefer it if it was a light meal," Ash said.
Yut-Lung nodded and called out in Cantonese, then he jumped to the seat across from Ash. They sat awkwardly, as Ash stared at Yut-Lung. Yut-Lung smiled at him like an angel.
"Does your brother own this place?" Ash asked.
"No, but he is the head manager, so he might as well own the restaurant."
Ash squinted his eyes at Yut-Lung, crossing his arms, glaring.
"So," Yut-Lung began. "What have you been doing?"
"School," Ash said.
"You're in your last year now, like Shorter and Me. Sing still has two years left. I've already started making plans for College."
"Where are you planning to go?"
"I was thinking of Yale or Harvard."
Of course, you were, Ash thought to himself.
"What are you going to study?" Ash asked.
"I'm going to study Medicine," Yut-Lung beamed.
Ash kicked his foot against the chair leg and tapped his finger on the table as he watched Yut-Lung's brother cooking behind the counter, watching him sweat over a flaming pan. His eyes intensely focused on cooking.
"What are you going to do?" Yut-Lung asked.
Ash blinked," What?"
"What are you going to do when you graduate?"
Ash opened his mouth but quickly closed it. What was he going to do? Ash had barely thought about anything but leaving Dino. That was all he wanted. He wanted to be free. If he was going to do anything it was to live quietly in his own apartment, living dead to the world and paying rent every few weeks.
"I'm going to work," Ash answered honestly.
"Really?"
Ash nodded," I'm going to work."
"I'm...surprised...I mean you were the smartest in school. It'd be a waste for you not to go to university."
"I didn't say it was off the table. I just plan to work after I graduate."
To pay rent and live on his own. That was more meaningful than anything else. Freedom was more important than anything money could buy.
A bell rang in the air, and Yut-Lung stood up. Ash heard mumbles in Cantonese and Yut-Lung's brother leaving the room, leaving them alone. Yut-Lung carried two plates to where Ash sat and placed them on the table. In front of Ash sat a warm sizzling dish, with a scent appealing. Ash's stomach growled, reminding Ash of how hungry he was.
"Moo Shu Vegetables," Yut-Lung said.
Yut-Lung sat down, immediately digging into his meal.
"What's that?" Ash asked.
"Kung pao chicken."
Ash couldn't hold himself back, he picked up chopsticks from the side of his plate, and began eating, the taste spicy and strong, but not overwhelming. Ash felt that he could finish his meal - without vomiting.
Yut-Lung ate quietly, his posture perfect, contrasting to Ash, who was wolfing down his meal messily.
"So, What have you been doing?" Ash asked.
Surprise flashed on Yut-Lung's face, but he only grinned," School."
Ash rolled his eyes.
"How.."Ash bit his tongue, trying to keep himself from crying when he asked," How are Shorter and Sing?"
Yut-Lung's smile disappeared," Fine."
Ash finished his meal, neatly placing the chopsticks over the bowl, patiently sitting as Yut-Lung continued to eat. His hands slowed as he placed his chopsticks next to his bowl, as he looked at Ash, his eyes cold.
"I know..." Yut-Lung said sombrely," I know it was hard for you after Griff died, but that's no excuse for just disappearing and never talking to them again. They were crushed, especially Sing. Neither of them deserved that."
Ash fell silent, looking away from Yut-Lung cold eyes. His mind finally cleared, and his thoughts racing. The weight of Yut-Lung's words hung in the air.
Ash had just disappeared without a trace and left them.
The thought of him abandoning his friends – the fact that he had abandoned his friends was frustrating. It was so infuriating it made Ash want to yell.
Ash stood up," Thank you for the meal."
He made his way for the exit.
Yut-Lung immediately snapped," Where are you going? Are you going to run away again ?"
Ash felt himself freeze, his heart pounding. He tried to think of a word, a sentence to respond to Yut-Lung with. Something other than the truth, but nothing came. The only answer he could give was a simple "Yes.". But he didn't dare utter it aloud.
He and Yut-Lung were stuck. Their eyes locked in loathsome stares.
"Can you imagine what they'd think if they saw you now?" Yut-Lung exclaimed. "I doubt they'd even recognise you, I sure didn't! I mean, look at you? Ash Lynx, like this? Never! But lone behold here you are right before my eyes, nothing but skin and bone ."
Yut-Lung made sure to put a heavy emphasis on the words skin and bone.
With adrenaline pumped in Ash's veins as he leapt to Yut-Lung raising his hand and hitting Yut-Lung across the face, Yut-Lung barely flinched.
Then Yut-Lung smiled," Was that supposed to hurt?"
Ash could see his reflection in Yut-Lung's eyes, it sickened him. Even so small, he couldn't deny reality. He looked like an entirely different person. He looked different. He looked inhuman.
Yut-Lung slapped Ash across the face, leaving Ash shakily trying to hold himself in place, the strike knocking the wind out of him, so much that it hurt his lungs.
"Who are you, Ash?" Yut-Lung was no longer smiling.
Ash caught his breath, biting down on his gum as hard as possible to keep himself centred, his fists balled. Then he saw Yut-Lung face go pale, as he stared behind Ash. The restaurant door opened.
"Hello, Yue."
Ash's blood went cold. He was too scared to turn, but he didn't have to. The owner of the voice came into view and kissed Yut-Lung's cheek.
"Is something wrong?" Sing asked Yut-Lung, looking at Ash, barely even batting an eye at him.
Yut-Lung shook his head," I was just asking for this customer to leave."
Ash's mouth was dry, but he didn't say a word, he turned away. His legs were lead, his feet heavy. But of course, he couldn't just walk quietly out and pretend this never happened. Of course, Sing had to open his mouth.
"Ash?"
Ash wasn't turning back this time. He bolted, hearing yells from behind him.
"Let him go!" Yut-Lung cried.
"ASH!"Sing screamed.
Ash ran out in the streets, the cold biting his skin. His face straight ahead, as fast as he could under the moonlight, he sprinted, ignoring the repeated screams and cries on the wind.
"ASH! ASH! ASH!"
He ran until the only sounds he heard were his own panting breath and the loud drumming of his heart in his ears.
Dino said nothing when Ash came home late. He didn't ask Ash to come and sit with him. He didn't ask Ash for anything. He just sat in front of the television, drinking a glass of wine. Ash tried didn't say anything when he closed the front door, navigating the dark halls of the house, steadily walking up the stairs and entering his room.
His heart was still pounding. His mind was still echoing with Sing's desperate screams.
He could imagine Sing's face. It was so vivid inside his head. He hated it.
Ash's breath was short, as he huddled and shook on the floorboards, his mind echoing. He felt ghostly sensations on his skin. He felt hatred rising within himself.
His hands were pale and thin, Ash rolled up his sleeves, staring at his sickly skin, his blue veins more visible than ever. His bruises littered across his arm, now a disgusting yellow, and swollen.
Tears streaking down his cheeks.
Ash crawled to his mirror, the moonlight filtering into his room. He stripped off his clothes and stared at himself in the mirror.
Ash scarcely knew who was staring back at him behind the glass, but whoever it was it wasn't him.
It was dirty.
It was skin and bone .
Ash cursed Yut-Lung. His words repeated in his head over and over, along with Sing's screaming.
Skin and bone. Skin and bone. Skin and bone. Skin and bone. Skin and bone.
Ash used to be strong, he used to be fast, and able to fight. But now?
His skin was discoloured, his eyes sunken in with dark heavy circles.
And then there were the marks Dino had left behind. Starting from the top of his collarbone, down his entire ankles, there were marks. And Ash could remember every touch, every caress, he remembered how every one of them was left on his skin.
He felt the rage inside him rising higher and higher. A storm raged inside him. Gently Ash's fingertips passed over his ribs, which were very visible under his skin. He'd never noticed how exposed they were. He didn't realise this was how his body looked.
All these months had led to this.
It was as if he was infected with a disease.
Ash wished Griff was still here. He wished Blanca would save him.
He wished it would all end.
A scream ripped from Ash's lungs. Glass shattered as Ash's hands smashing into the mirror, the glass shattering into pieces, cutting Ash's hands and digging into his skin. Blood burst from his wounds, red splattered all over him and across the floor.
Ash's chest was heaving, staring wide-eyed at the blood covering him, he screamed again.
Then Ash heard heavy, loud footsteps. Footsteps running.
Dino was coming.
Ash scanned the room, looking for an exit, knowing that the only way out was the door or-
The window!
Ash dove for the window, struggling to open it, his hands kept slipping, as he covered the glass and white windowpane with blood. He used all his strength and kept pulling at the window.
Dino appeared in the doorway. Ash finally tore the window open. Dino howled like a wild animal, grabbing Ash.
Ash thought that Dino might try and push him out the window or even pull him away, but he did neither.
Dino kissed him.
Nausea rose in Ash, as he screamed, pushing himself away. Dino didn't care that Ash was bleeding, he didn't care if Ash was in pain, he only wanted to use Ash, his body was a sex toy to be abused over and over and over again.
Ash didn't have strength to fight Dino.
Using all the force in his body he beat at Dino's head, the weight of his palm throwing the larger man off balance, his grip losing around Ash's waist. Then Ash ripped himself free, he ripped himself free and jumped out the second-story window of his bedroom.
Ash fell and the only sound left to the world was silence.
AN: This chapter took a while. I struggled to get it together, but I'm proud of it!
(Like always I'll come back and edit out any mistakes later!) Comments are always greatly appreciated!
