Chapter 5

Honey and Milk


On a cold, noisy night, Eiji Okumura pressed the elevator button to the twentieth floor of his dorm. He swiftly dragged himself through the long hallway, finding his room. He opened it as quietly as possible and shuffled inside, gently closing the door behind him. Alone in the darkness, he collapsed on the bed. The sound of sirens and beeping cars filling his ears.

In the gloom, Eiji closed his eyes.

A long day of lectures and a busy four-hour work shift were all behind him. With a heavy body and eyelids that refused to stay open, he laid as if he were dead. The bright lights of the New York skyline danced over his eyelids.

He opened his eyes. Readjusted to the low light, they settled on his desk. Moonlight streamed from the window resting on his camera, the empty black screen staring at him enticingly.

He was drawn to the camera like a moth to a light. He reached for it, his fingertips grazed the lens. He got off the bed to pick it up. It was heavy in his hands. A familiar weight that filled his heart with joy.

Sitting back on his bed he turned it on. He scrolled through the photos he'd taken over the months. Pictures of America, of New York. An unfamiliar city that was slowly becoming his home.

The neon lights, the strong smells, the loud noises. It felt familiar. Like a friend.

He'd lived here for five months. Five fleeting months, that flew in front of his eyes with him barely noticing. It barely felt like half a year. All the photos he'd collected told a story, from his first day here to his present. The things he'd done, the sights, the sounds, the food, and the new people he'd met.

A collage of photos traveled through his retinas, into the back of his mind.

From the sky, the sea, trees, birds, subways, streets, people-

Eiji froze, his camera stuck on a single photo, his eyes fixed on it. The image sent a rush through Eiji.

A sullen boy stood under golden sunbeams, with his blonde hair wild in the wind, his blazing green eyes staring intensely at nowhere.

Ash...

For two and a half months of those five, he had known Ash.

Eiji stared at his camera screen, his eyes wide. It was impossible to ignore how different Ash looked now.

In the photo, Ash's face was full of color. His cheeks are pink rather than paper white. His wrists thick, rather than boney. The boy in the photo looked like a completely different person from the Ash now. If it wasn't for his hollow, sad eyes, you would think they were different people.

In a matter of months, Ash had lost a substantial amount of weight. It had been a rapid, gradual decline, that Eiji had barely noticed it until now.

A violent shiver overtook Eiji.

The smell of medicine and alcohol assaulted his senses. White walls rose his mind's eye and a hospital bed with the withering frame of Eiji's father laying inside it. He was thin. Emaciated. Dying.

Every visit became more suffocating.

His father's body, getting thinner and thinner, weaker and weaker…

The memories were so vivid in his mind, it was terrifying. Like he could see his father laying stiffly in his hospital gown, hooked up to a ventilator. The hissing of the heart monitor in Eiji's ears. He could barely move, closing his hand took every ounce of his energy.

His father's eyes were hollow, his voice barely a whisper.

He looked like a ghost.

Everyone knew that he was dying. Eiji's family visited him, silently hoping he'd recover, only to be hit with reality every single time they were by his bedside. Every. Single. Time.

Eiji's father got weaker, thinner, and paler. It killed Eiji inside watching his slow decline. Slowly losing his ability to walk, sit up or eat. As his illness progressed he depended on nurses to feed him

His father was going to die soon, that was reality.

On a hot summer afternoon, Eiji sat at his father's bedside. The man's eyes were barely open, in the slits of his eyelids he narrowed his gaze at Eiji and rasped in a hoarse voice.

"Eiji."

" Oto-san !" Eiji exclaimed, He reached for his father's open hand. Gingerly curling his fingers around it.

"Eiji..."

"I'm here, Oto-san."

His heart was being crushed by a voice. He knew he should tell his father to rest, but he couldn't. He missed hearing his father's voice. He wanted to talk to him because he did not know if he'd ever get this chance again.

His father's words were drawn out between long breaths and pauses, and through a miracle, he said," Eiji, you must live, no matter what. Live for yourself. Fight. Because if you're alive you can change anything."

Those words were etched to Eiji's heart. They echoed in his mind when he boarded the plane from Tokyo airport to the USA.

Days after Eiji's father spoke those words he fell into a coma. Only machine's kept him alive. They were keeping blood flowing into his heart, air in his lungs, and food in his belly. Eiji knew he would never wake up again.

He locked himself in his room and never came out. His family cried on the other side of his door.

"How long are you going to stay in that room, Eiji?"His mother barked.

"Eiji, I miss you."His sister cried

"That boys too spoilt."His grandmother complained.

Eiji had finished high school. He had no friends, all he had was his bedroom.

Eiji shook his head, pulling himself back to the present. The camera's screen fell black, Eiji tapped it, revealing the face of Ash once again. Eiji skipped to the next photo. It was him, smiling, then the next: Ash smiling.

Eiji had noticed Ash's aversion to food. How little he ate.

He had to say something.

A heavyweight sat on Eiji's shoulders. He rehearsed inside his mind things he could say to Ash. To his air concerns.

He could see Ash sleeping in a hospital bed, sickly thin and withering away. Eiji's hands were sweating and shaking.

Slowly Eiji placed his camera back on his bedside table. The city lights danced outside his window, the starless sky a velvet black. It was as if it were an abyss. Eiji drew his curtains closed. In the darkness he collapsed onto his bed, forcing his eyes shut, biting his lip. Cars honked loudly below his dorm.

It was times like this where Eiji thought of home.

Every night it was the same. The air was fresh. Crickets chirped outside his window, as the wind batted gently against the glass. His soft, warm sheets blanketed him as bright moonlight embraced him, bathing him in silver.

Another loud car horn rang reminding Eiji of where he was.

He wasn't in Izumo. He was in New York.

His entire family was in Japan.

He hadn't spoken to his family in five months. Not a call nor a text. He didn't know if his father was dead or alive.

A knife stabbed into Eiji's chest, twisting into his heart.

In the darkness of his room, Eiji muttered, "Oto-san," under his breath, as he failed to keep in his bitter tears.

Snow fell over New York City in preparation for Christmas. It was only a month away, and the streets were filled with red, and green.

Eiji was cuffed to his studies. Wandering between his university and the Bronx.

Each day Eiji waited for a text from Ash but he was met with silence.

It was a sad silence that Eiji had grown used to.

Ash was busy with school and work. Ash had a life. But even still…Eiji wanted to talk to him. The silence was almost lonely.

Eiji wanted to ask Ash about his opinions, or advice, or just what he was doing that day but, there was no reply.

He wanted to be positive, telling himself there was nothing to worry about, but he couldn't shake the image of Ash laying in a hospital bed from his mind. Thin. Blue like when they were on that bench in Central Park. Pressed against each other.

The weather grew colder by the day, worry rose in Eiji's heart for how it would affect Ash's frail body. He didn't want the cold to make Ash shiver and waste away. He wanted to hold Ash in his arms and shower him with all his warmth.

Eiji clicked his pen, taking notes in his workbook as his professor bellowed from the front of the lecture hall. The elderly man pointed to graphs and charts on the smartboard. Light, direction, depth of field… all the terms blurred together in Eiji's mind after an hour of the professor's boring commentary.

Why is there so much maths? Eiji complained to himself.

The last thing he expected to study in a photography degree was maths, but here he was writing out equations on distance and direction. He hated the photography theory, the position of the sun, the length of lenses, and standing distance seemed to become tedious after five lectures.

After what felt like an agonizing eternity, Eiji was free from his lecture, and he swiftly gathered his belongings and bounced directly to his dorm room. He quickly showered and changed into his work uniform. He took the first subway to the Bronx, he checked his phone.

Nothing.

Exiting the train he felt the bitter cold on his skin. Goosebumps rose under his long sleeves. He rubbed his shoulders, walking quickly down the street, ignoring the flashes of blue fingertips that assaulted his mind.

When Eiji finally came to Banana Fish Cafe and Bar he was greeted by the smiling face of Maria, Mr. Jenkins's second-oldest daughter.

He put his back in his locked and tied on his apron. He could smell alcohol again. Wearing a somber expression, he slaps his cheeks gently. Straightening his back he said, "What do you need me to do, Maria?"

"Could you sort the lettuce?"She asked sweetly.

Eiji nodded, "Yes!"

Eiji was focused on work.

Serving coffee, and meals to patrons. Cleaning tables. Preparing sandwiches. Making coffee. Washing dishes. Making tea. Everything came in random order as he was kept on his feet. Even if it was a slow day, Eiji focused on every second, keeping his mind from wandering.

By sundown, the street lamps had begun to light the sidewalk. Eiji was washing the dishes. The cafe was empty. It was just him and Maria.

Wearing pink rubber gloves, Eiji pushed a plate into the hot soapy water as he scrubbed chocolate off it with a sponge. Maria stepped in the doorway, watching him. She had a habit of watching him. Making sure he did things right. For Eiji's first month here it'd been painful. His heart pounding every second he felt her gaze burning into him. But now, he was used to it, he barely flinched (even if it still unnerved him a little).

Eiji continued to wash the dishes. A soft voice asked him, "Are you okay, Eiji?"

Eiji leered over at Maria, as he placed the plate on the drying rack.

"Pardon?"Eiji said.

"Are you okay?"

"Why?"

"You just seem really quiet today. Is something wrong?"

"No," Eiji felt a lump in his throat. "I'm fine."

He avoided Maria's eyes, his gaze fixed on the soapy water and dirty cutlery, mugs, and plates waiting to be cleaned. Maria stepped into the kitchen, closing the distance between them. He twitched slightly, as he felt her standing at an arm's-reach.

"Eiji." Maria said gently.

Eiji met her gaze, her curly brown hair tied in a bun. She frowned.

"I know we're just coworkers and we don't know each other well but if anything is bothering you," Maria said, "I'm here for you."

Eiji relaxed. It was only a few words, but they meant the world to him. Silence hung in the air. Eiji debated in his head his next actions, after several moments passed he finally said.

"There... there's this friend of mine."

Maria listened to him, waiting for Eiji to continue.

"It's just," Eiji frowned, "I haven't heard from him for a while and...well, he's sick - really sick and he's been getting worse, and every time I think of him I get this sinking feeling like- like-"

He lost his voice.

Eiji quickly finished the remaining dishes, he drained the sink and pulled off the gloves, placing them on a hook over the sink. Maria simply wanted him, waiting for him to continue. He didn't, so she spoke again.

"Your friend is unwell?"

Eiji nodded, "He's getting worse. I know I'm just being stupid and overreacting."

"It's not stupid to worry, Eiji."

"But-"

"You said he's been sick, right?"

Eiji nodded.

"It's normal to worry about your friends," Maria smiled."If anything it would be weird if you weren't worried about him!"

Eiji managed a weak smile, as he whispered, "It's not just that though, I want to talk to him. I…I miss him."

Eiji's heart fluttered as the words came out of his mouth. He wanted to run, but his legs were so stiff he was frozen in place.

Maria's smile grew, "You like him, don't you?"

Eiji paled," WHAT, NO! WE'RE JUST FRIENDS!"

Maria chortled," For now!"

"MARIA, PLEASE, IT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT!"

Eiji's legs began to shake. Heat rushed to his cheeks, his heart drumming in his ears.

Maria's laugh calmed down, and she said," Well, your friend is lucky to have someone like you in his life."

Eiji blinked," Huh?"

"You heard me! He's lucky to have someone who loves him so much."

Eiji felt his body temperature rise, he felt like he was going to faint. Awkwardly he untied his apron. His shift was drawing to a close and Eiji wanted to get out of here as soon as possible.

"Can I go home?" He asked stiffly.

Maria's smile disappeared, as she gave a graceful nod," Of course, your shift is over anyway."

Walking to the locker, Eiji pulled out his back and threw his apron in it. He swung it over his shoulder and turned to Maria, giving her a bow out of.

"See you later," He said.

"See you!" She waved to him, "You're going to be on a solo shift next Monday. Is that alright?"

"Yea," Eiji mumbled.

He dragged himself to the heavy glass door, and opened it, hearing Maria call to him as he left," I hope things go well with your friend, Eiji! I'm sure things will work out, just have faith, okay? And don't worry so much, you'll get grey hairs!"

Eiji knew Maria was trying to be encouraging, but her words felt like a stab in the back. He forced a smile as he waved goodbye behind the glass, and as he walked from her view he ran. He ran over the snowy pavement, all the way to the subway, his heart pounding.

He hoped she was right. That everything was fine, and Ash was safe. He hoped, but the sinking feeling never left him, nor did the hospital walls.

They chased after him.

Ash remained silent.

Eiji continued life as normal. Classes, lectures, and work. He filled his mind with her responsibilities, throwing himself deep into his studies. He skipped Film Society. He didn't want to talk to people, he just wanted to work.

From talking to someone every day to almost never felt…strange.

He knew he was overreacting, but part of him feared Ash hated him. That he'd done something wrong or offended him. He kept replaying all their interactions in his head, analyzing every detail trying to understand what was going on, but he had no answers.

Eiji kept his head high, secretly praying Ash would talk to him again. He trusted Ash. I knew Ash wouldn't cut a person out not without a good reason.

Days passed, and soon two weeks passed without a word from Ash. Monday morning was slow, a long lecture and test occupied the first hours of the day. He had a few hours in the afternoon to himself before he had to go to work. By 5 pm he was already on the subway.

After an hour he was out in the cold winter air, with mist billowing out of his mouth. He shivered, walking down the snowy streets to the cafe.

It was empty (which was to be expected on a Monday night). Mr. Jenkins greeted him with a warm smile, instructing him on his duties for the night.

"Right," Eiji said.

"Good luck, son," Mr. Jenkins said, as he put a hat on his head and waved goodbye to Eiji. Eiji waved towards him, and the door shut with a loud Thumb.

Eiji was alone.

" Yosh ."Eiji mumbled as he tied on his apron.

He filled his mind with his tasks.

He entered the kitchen, washing his hands, automatic. Cutting bread, filling them, and folding them in paper. He did it over and over and when he was done he slipped them all in the front display window. They were all stacked neatly.

Standing at the counter no one came. He pulled out a stool and sat on it leaning against the wall, staring out the window. No one passed the cafe.

It really was a slow day.

Eiji sighed, checking his phone. He scrolled through the news, and Reddit but nothing interested him.

Eventually, the front door opened, and Eiji immediately hid his phone in his apron pocket.

A young woman came in asking if she could use the bathroom.

"It's customers only, sorry," Eiji explained.

Disappointment flashed on her face, but she left the cafe without a word. Eiji sat back down.

He always hated lonesome night shifts. It was a waiting game that filled him with boredom.

Eiji sighed, it felt like an eternity as he checked the time. Only an hour had passed and his heart sank. A few people came in and out of the cafe. Ordering cakes, sandwiches and beverages, Eiji served them listened to their hushed conversations from behind the counter

Holiday plans, trips overseas, Christmas preparations and shopping. Getting gifts for friends and family. And when they were done they got up and left, and Eiji cleaned their mess and wiped the table. He swept the tiled floors, then washed the cups and plates at the back.

Lounging on the stool Eiji checked his phone, only thirty minutes had passed. Eiji yawned, he couldn't wait to sleep in his bed.

Then the door opened again, Eiji straightened his back, expecting another regular customer. Then his heart dropped.

A young skinny boy struggled to open the door, as he leaned on crutches, with his hands and arms covered in thick white bandages. The door was heavy, and threatened to crush him under its weight like an insect. The boy lost his grip, the door swung itself closed, he was still in the doorway.

Eiji ran, crying out in a scream.

"ASH!"

He pushed himself into the door, the edge stabbing him in the hip, he ignored the pain. He sheltered Ash from the blow, the boy staggering out of the way, getting a grip on his crutches standing straight.

Ash gaped, reaching out to Eiji,"Are you okay?"

His fingertips were poking out of the bandages, they were blue. Eiji's eyes widened.

Ash's skin; It was as white as the finest china. His face was so pale like he was a ghost. He looked exhausted, with dark circles lining his eyelids. Ash's hands were wrapped in bandages, both of them tightly bound with only his fingers poking through. Eiji winced internally imagining how uncomfortable and itchy they must have felt.

Yet despite everything, Ash managed to smile.

Eiji pulled the door shut, realizing the cold was crawling into the cafe. His chest tightened, his breath, seizing, as he forced himself not to cry.

"What…"Eiji whispered.

Ash just kept smiling, "Hello, Eiji."

Eiji shook his head.

"Sit," He commanded.

Ash didn't argue, he limped across the cafe and sunk into a cushioned chair. Eiji sat beside him, trying to process the state Ash was in, yet no matter how much he saw it the less real it seemed.

"What happened to you?" Eiji quivered, his hands shaking.

"I fell."Ash mumbled

"Fell…But your hands, they-"

"They're healing."

"But your legs they're-"

"Fine. I just sprained my ankle."

"Sprained your ankle?" Eiji gasped," You are on crutches, for god's sake!"

Ash signed," And I'm healing, okay, please just stop."

Eiji bit his lip. Ash was hiding something. Eiji wanted to know, he wanted to ask but…his voice was lost. Ash was so fragile, his body broken, his face thinner. Eiji was able to make out the outside of Ash's cheekbone, it made his stomach twist into thousands of knots. He let out a soft choke, as he thought of what he could say. Finally, he managed to ask.

"Would you like a drink?" His voice was meek and strained.

Ash raised an eyebrow, and Eiji immediately felt stupid. Of all the things he could have said, he asked that. But Ash gave a cut nod," Okay."

Eiji bounced to his feet," Coffee?"

Ash frowned"I can't drink coffee... it hurts..."

"Oh," Eiji thought for a moment. "Then tea or... milk?"

"Milk?" Ash echoed.

Eiji nodded.

"Could you put honey in it?" Ash asked.

"Sure," Eiji's face softened.

He walked to the fridge and pulled out a carton of milk, pouring it into a mug and warming it in the staff microwave. Once it was warm he spun a teaspoon of amber honey into the milk, it disappeared in a matter of seconds.

Eiji's chest only felt tighter. He fervently looks from the kitchen to Ash over and over again. Ash waited patiently, smiling at Eiji when he caught his eye. They were strained.

Eiji waved his hand over the steaming mug and placed a small plate under it. He carried it over to Ash and said," One order of Milk and Honey."

Ash huffed, Eiji supposed it was meant to be a laugh.

"Thank you," He said.

He cupped the mug in his bandaged hands.

Eiji sat back down. They both were silent. The sounds of the city reverberating in the room. Ash slowly picked up the mug and sipped it, his jade eyes lost somewhere else…

Eiji wanted to say something to him, but nothing came. His lips were sealed. Ash drank slowly. Soon the mug was no longer steaming, then it was empty, sitting alone on the table.

Finally, Ash asked," Do I look thin?"

Eiji opened his mouth, but quickly closed it unsure of how to respond.

"What?" Eiji said, hoping for clarity.

"Do I look thin?"Ash asked, his eyes gazing at Eiji, lost.

Eiji glowered," Why are you..."

"Please answer the question."Ash added, "Honestly"

"Well..."Eiji sighed, hoping that Ash wouldn't be hurt by his answer."Yes."

Ash's expression darkened, seeming more lost than before. Like he'd sunken into an abyss. He buried his face in his bandaged hands, gritting his teeth.

"I want to eat," Ash confessed, his voice weak. "I want to eat, but I can't. I always feel sick. When I eat, I feel like I'll throw up."

Eiji's heart sank. The shake in Ash's voice, the way he hunched his shoulders, and shook, it was something that Eiji had never seen from him. His vulnerability. It was the part of Ash he desperately tried to hide most.

Eiji noticed.

Small meals, avoiding food whenever they were together. Even Ash must have known it was obvious. Of course, Eiji would never point it out. He didn't want to uppset Ash, he only ever wanted to see him smile.

"I noticed," Eiji said," I noticed you barely are and I noticed you lost weight."

Ash tensed, his body shaking ever so slightly, but he held his composure. Eiji rested his hand on Ash's shoulder, he fell into Eiji.

"I hate this," Ash muttered into his collarbone.

Eiji ran his fingers through Ash's hair. He wanted to help. To pull the shivering darkness inside him and replace it with a warm light. But all he could give him was a warm embrace. He hoped it was enough.

The hospital bed flashed in front of Eiji's eyes again. He ground his teeth, as a vile thought crossed his mind. He tried to stop himself, but it was too late, the words had already come out of his mouth.

"Do you want to die?"

Eiji felt Ash drawback, so they were face to face. Eiji was swimming in Ash's doleful jade eyes.

"No," Ash said. "I want... I want to live."

"If you keep getting thinner…" Eiji said desperately. "If you don't eat, you'll die!"

"I know."

A sense of dread hung in the air. The cafe lights buzzed above them, helping drive anxiety deeper into Eiji. A frustrating nagging pulled at him. Niggling at his mind like a migraine. The frustration that he couldn't do anything.

"Ash-"

"I KNOW!" Ash yelled.

They were still. Ash was shivering, Eiji pressed his hand to Ash's cheek and said shakily," Why...why don't you eat?"

"I..I don't know." Ash's voice was barely a whisper," I want to eat- but whenever I think about eating – whenever I do eat – I feel sick. I can't keep it in my mouth, I can't keep it in my stomach. I feel sick, I vomit. My mouth and stomach burn, I feel so heavy, it's like swallowing a stone every time I eat."

Eiji frowned," Every single time?"

"Every Single. Time."

People have to eat and yet Ash couldn't. When Eiji's father stopped eating it was a symptom of his illness and treatment. A loss of appetite was normal but..his father rejected food more and more by the day. Eating was causing him pain. Eventually, he grew weak and couldn't eat at all. He got thinner and Eiji only noticed when it was too late.

Eiji considered telling Ash about his father. It was so personal it felt like a punch in the gut. Outside of his family, only one person knew about his father's condition and that was Ibe, and Ibe might as well have been family at this point.

Eiji didn't want to think about his father. That's why he ran away, that's why he's sitting here right now in New York. Eiji had already said goodbye to his father a long time ago. Back in Japan, and yet here he was again, staring at someone in a very different situation going through the exact same thing.

It was the same picture, only a different person.

Ash noticed Eiji's hesitation and asked gently," What's wrong?"

Eiji jolted in surprise, noticing Ash's bandaged hand resting on his shoulder. Eiji's fingertips trembled, as he hid his face in his hands. Everything was repeating. He whimpered helplessly,"My...You...You look exactly like my father."

The confession ripped through his cut like a blade, a sharp sadness he could feel in his bones... Ash didn't say a word, he only stared at Eiji, his expression unreadable.

Eiji continued after a long exhale," My father. He has cancer. He...he looks like a skeleton..." He shuddered at the memory, unable to fight the anguish inside him as tears fell from his eyes. "He's so thin! You look like him- like you're about to fade away any day – I didn't notice it, not until a few weeks ago. I saw the photo I took of you when we first met, and you- you were thin but not- not like this!"

Ash stiffened, his expression unreadable," Eiji-"

Eiji fell into Ash's arms," I don't want you to die, Ash!"

Ash held him firmly, but Eiji could tell how weak he was, his grip like air. Eiji shook, hugging Ash and sobbing into his shoulder.

"Eiji, don't...don't cry."

"I was so worried. I didn't hear from you for two weeks, I was scared I made you mad, or you got hurt, and- and- look at you-"

Ash didn't fight him, he said gently," It's not so bad. I should be off my crutches in another few days..."

"But Ash, what happened?"

He didn't answer. Eiji wiped his eyes with the back of his sleeve, waiting for him to say something.

"I..."Ash searched for the right words," I fell, I'm telling the truth."

"From where?"

Ash held his breath for a long moment, then said solemnly," A window."

Eiji cringed, but Ash cut him off before he could speak," It was an accident. I slipped and fell...and I didn't sprain my ankle, I broke it."

Eiji said, alarmed," Are you going to be able to run again?"

"The doctor said I'm going to make a full recovery...".

For the first time that entire night, Eiji smiled.

"But Ash, your wrists? You didn't…"Eiji said

"I didn't cut myself- I swear Eiji it was an accident! I told you, I want to live!"

Eiji couldn't tell if Ash was telling the truth, but was too worn out to argue with him.

"Promise me you're telling the truth, that you don't want to die."

"I promise I don't want to die."

"How many times do I need to repeat myself? I don't want to die, Eiji."

Eiji felt his body relax a little. He pressed his back into the chair and interrogated "When was the last time you ate?"He was surprised by how harsh his tone was.

"This morning," Ash answered.

Eiji huffed, getting to his feet and crossing the cafe. He pulled a chicken cutlet sandwich from behind the counter, it was soggy from sitting in there for hours. Eiji grabbed a few napkins and sat right back by Ash's side. He plopped the sandwich in front of Ash, resting it on the napkins.

Ash raised his eyebrow, he knew exactly what Eiji wanted. His entire body tensed as he stared at the sandwich sitting in front of him.

"Eat." Eiji ordered.

Ash didn't say a word, shaking his head, he stared at the sandwich. Wincing, he picked it up and took a nibble at the edge of the white bread, he swallowed. He looked disgusted.

"I can't do this," He scowled.

"You said you didn't want to die! If you don't eat you will die, if you keep losing weight you will die."

Ash bit his lip," Don't you think I know that? I'm not doing this on purpose."

"I am not blaming you, Ash. But...You have to try, you need to stop skipping meals, and starving yourself."

"What's the point if I'm just going to vomit it back up later?"

"It doesn't matter, at least you ate something, some of it's going to stay down and that's better than nothing."

Ash stared at the ceiling,"I...I ran into someone from school a few weeks ago."

"I thought you were homeschooled."

"From the school, I went to before I was homeschooled. North Park High School. It's in Manhattan. And it didn't go well. He kept spitting in my face the fact I hadn't made an effort to reconnect with any of my friends from back then... So much happened in that past year, it all seemed a blur, the last thing I felt like I could do was see them or make friends...He said I was skin and bone and that he could barely recognize me when he saw me..."

"Ash," Eiji said softly. "Please just eat."

Ash glared at the sandwich in his hands. He glared at the sandwich for a good several minutes, as if he was expecting something to happen. His blue fingertips gripped around the sandwich as he opened his mouth and bite into it. It was a small bit, and he closed his eyes tightly.

Eiji felt a wave of sympathy wash over him, as he watched the agony Ash was in. What was effortless for everyone else was difficult for him. It was almost as if his body had given up on living, despite his mind still fighting.

Ash took another small bite.

After a lifetime he had finished, and was gripping his stomach.

"Are you okay?" Eiji asked softly.

"I'll be fine,"Ash groaned.

Eiji believed him. He felt his heart finally stop pounding. His eyes were red and puffy from crying, and threatening to tear up more. Eiji reached for Ash, Ash's fingers intertwined with his.

Ash stared at Eiji through his bangs, he was smiling.

Eiji's heart lifted..

"I'm sorry, Eiji," Ash whispered.

Eiji shook his head," It's not your fault. Just, please, stop starving yourself. I know... I know there's a lot going on in your life, I probably couldn't even begin to understand how you feel, but-" The words were caught in his throat. He couldn't think of the right things to say.

But... What?

What words would be right? He sighed and settled on," I'm proud of you for taking the first step."

In the stillness of the cafe, everything felt too bright. Ash's delicate exposed fingers began to tighten around Eiji's.

"Thank you," Ash said in a hoarse voice.

"It's nothing," Eiji said softly.

Their faces inched closer, like magnets. Eiji's warm fingers curling around Ash's icy fingers, careful not to squeeze them, afraid to hurt him. For a fleeting moment, the world seemed to stop. Everything was peaceful.

Eiji's cheek brushed against Ash's, their eyes locked on each other's. Ash's face was stricken with horror. Eiji's lips trembled.

"Stop," Ash said.

Eiji froze.

His dark eyes stared into Ash's fiery green eyes. His expression pained, as he spoke weakly," Eiji, we can't."

Ash recoils, struggling to his feet, clutching his crutches. Eiji swiftly attempted to support him, but Ash pushed him off.

Eiji frowned, "Ash-"

"Don't."

Eventually, Ash caught his balance, he limped to the door. Eiji followed behind him, pushing the door open for him. Ash didn't look at him, as he walked outside.

"Ash..."Eiji said.

He stilled, turning to Eiji.

"What's wrong?"Eiji asked.

He didn't respond.

Eiji clenched his fists," Say something…"

"What the hell am I supposed to say?"

"Anything! Tell me how you're feeling, what you're thinking."

"I…I'm tired, Eiji. I want to go home. Just forget this happened, hell, forget about me. It'd probably be better that way."

Eiji's breath hitched.

Forget about me.

The words pained Eiji.

"I can't forget you, Ash."

"Eiji," Ash winced. "I'm a liar, I'm dirty, I'm…"

"You can tell me."

"I'm a murderer."

Confusion whirled inside Eiji. What was he talking about? A murderer? Ash was kind and gentle, how could he have ever taken a life. It must have been guilt, guilt over something that had happened to someone else.

Suicide.

Maybe…

Eiji choked," Ash, I…I don't care about that. I'm sure it wasn't your fault if-"

"It was," Ash's voice was calm and slow. To the point.

"Ash-"

"Eiji, I've killed someone. Doesn't that scare you?"

"I just…I don't believe it…."

"It's the truth. I'm a murderer."

They were talking in circles. Eiji bit hard on the edge of his gum, he could taste blood on his tongue.

"Ash," Eiji said," Even if you have…even if you have taken someone's life, I'm sure you had a good reason."

The words felt strange out of his mouth. He didn't know the details, and he didn't need to. If anything he was grateful that Ash was willing to open up about a part of himself. Something that pained him and tortured him deep inside.

Murder was a crime, but Ash was barely even an adult…how long ago could it have been, and how? Why?

Eiji continued," You're important to me Ash. No matter what happened in your past, I'm sure you had your reasons. I know the person you are now, and the Ash I know is kind and loving. I can't forget you, Ash, you're my first real friend."

A weight lifted from Eiji, as the words parted from his lips.

Eiji wasn't afraid, he only felt sadness for the storm that was rising inside Ash. A storm that seemed to rage perpetually in the boy's soul.

"There's no changing your mind is there?" Ash scoffed. A cruelness Eiji hadn't seen before from him.

"I'm sure it was self-defense," Eiji said softly. "I don't care about your past. You're not a bad person, Ash, I've known you long enough to say that."

Ash drew a long breath, as it rose in misty clouds in the cold.

Eiji, closed the door behind him, stepping into the chilly, snowy night to be by Ash's side. He reached for Ash, he flinched. Eiji stopped, his hand falling back to his waist.

Ash was like an ice sculpture, delicate and still about to melt or shatter at any moment. Eiji searched for words, but nothing came. Ash was across a vast ocean, somewhere so far that Eiji would drown if he tried to swim to him.

Ash finally whispered," What you said means a lot, truly."

They both looked up at the starless sky, at the pale sickle moon hanging in the dark, as under the streetlights they watched glittering snowflakes begin to fall from the heavens, falling onto their heads and shoulders.

The wind blew from somewhere, but neither of them shivered, there was a warmth glowing between them as they watched the fresh snowfall.

"Ash," Eiji began.

Ash and Eiji locked eyes, Ash was listening intently. A hospital bed came to Eiji's mind, with weak hands wrapping around him, weakly calling to him. The words sang to his heart.

Eiji spoke,"'You must live, no matter what. Live for yourself. Fight. Because if you're alive you can change anything.'"

Snow fell on Ash's eyelashes, the lights illuminating his porcelain face.

Ash whispered softly to the night.

"I'd like to believe that."

AN: I ACTUALLY DID IT, I FINISHED ANOTHER CHAPTER!

This chapter felt like it took forever to write and edit, I tried really had to look over it and read it but if there are any mistakes I'll always come back and fix them! I really, really would appreciate feedback if you have any! I want to improve as a writer and input/comments greatly help with that. Please tell me what you think of the story so far. Thank you so much for reading! Have a lovely day, all of you ?