"Are you implying something?" Orochimaru asks, a dangerous lilt to his voice.

"Oh, of course not," Obito responds breezily. "I'm being downright explicit, Orochimaru."

He sees the moment his words click in Orochimaru's head. Just as Sakura echoes his name with terror in her voice, Obito is sent hurtling to the ground.

He—

No, no, cut. We're getting ahead of ourselves here.

As I'm sure you've gathered: Yep, that's me - the one who was bitchslapped to the dirt. You're probably wondering how I ended up in this situation.

Let's rewind.


By the time he arrives, Naruto is nowhere to be seen.

Obito grimaces before sending out a mental apology to Minato and Kushina; right about now, he's fairly certain that the blond's been swallowed by a giant snake. He doesn't remember the logistics of it all, but he knows that Naruto's able to call upon the protagonist-favoring gods in order to escape, or something.

Just in case, he directs a brief prayer - if "please don't let the blond dumbass die" can be counted as one - skyward and arrives just in time to see a disguised Orochimaru deepthroat his scroll. Which.

Alright. Unnecessarily dramatic and pretty frickin' weird, but that's not really anything new for Snakey McGee.

"Now we shall see just who we'll be stealing the scroll from," he says, long-ass tongue sliding across his lips. "We'll fight to the death!"

How do you feel so superior when challenging literal middle schoolers to death battles? he wonders.

Since Orochimaru can't hear his thoughts, he proceeds to drop a shit ton of killing intent onto said children. Unlike Gaara's, it's almost disturbingly clinical in nature, and tightly controlled. The fact that he can still feel it enough to spark discomfort is really making him regret the decision to come and help these idiots out.

He won't abandon them or anything, but he's definitely going to collect on some I.O.U.s when his inevitable 'surprise, your sensei's dead teammate isn't actually so dead' reveal finally happens.

Obito catches sight of Sasuke's hand in motion, and he promptly remembers why he'd been injured when they'd been dealing with Orochimaru.

That's not good, he thinks, and within the next moment, Sasuke's wrist is locked in his grip.

He meets Sasuke's wide-eyed gaze and feels as if the world pauses, if only for a moment. Perhaps, he thinks, I might've fucked up a little.

Unfortunately, his apparent interdimensional skills don't include time travel - as far as he can tell, anyway - and he's forced to double down on his decision.

"Stabbing yourself isn't good for your health," Obito tells him, and only afterwards does he realize that he sounds like off-brand Doctor Seuss with his unintentional rhyme. Sasuke genuinely gapes at him. It'd be funny if he wasn't worried about being killed off like an irrelevant background character by the man behind him.

"Who…," Sakura lets out, trembling. Obito can't really tell if it's because of him or the aftershocks of the killing intent.

"An underpaid teacher's aide," he responds blandly. He hadn't been able to figure out what seal alters ANBU's voices, nor had he been able to find an alternative. In other words, it takes everything he has to keep the hysteria out of his voice. Right now, he's just channeling his inner Uchiha - with heavy influence from Itachi - and hoping for the best.

"Well," Orochimaru inputs pleasantly, like he hadn't just been shitting out the literal intent to commit heinous crimes a moment earlier, "Isn't this interesting?"

Sure is, buddy boy. We're in K-Drama territory now.

"Isn't it wrong for a member of ANBU to interfere with the exams?" he asks. Then, after a pause, his lips curl into an amused smirk. "If you are one, that is."

Obito pointedly doesn't flinch, but he does wish that a meteor would drop straight on Orochimaru's head so he wouldn't have to deal with this bullshit.

Unfortunately, the gods love to hate him, and the sky remains tauntingly clear.

"You talk a lot of big game," Obito responds, "For someone who's acting remarkably like a playground bully."

Just as Obito is regretting his life decisions, Orochimaru actually laughs, which… Is honestly more terrifying than if he'd just gone straight for the kill.

"Ah… Well, as much as I'd enjoy a little back-and-forth, I can't say I have a lot of time," Orochimaru claims. "You do understand, don't you?"

"I understand that you're a pain in the ass," he mutters. When Orochimaru raises a brow, he smiles with all his teeth, even though his face can't be seen. "A snake in the grass," he says pleasantly, as if he's repeating what he'd said before.

While Orochimaru's eyes narrow, Obito pauses, eyes narrowing at his forehead protector. From Kusa.

A snake in the grass? Is that a goddamn pun?

"Are you implying something?" Orochimaru asks, a dangerous lilt to his voice.

"Oh, of course not," Obito responds breezily. "I'm being downright explicit, Orochimaru."

He sees the moment his words click in Orochimaru's head. Just as Sakura echoes his name with terror in her voice, Obito is sent hurtling to the ground.

He hadn't even seen him move. How cliche.

Just before he lands, he twists and manages to land in a stumbling crouch.

"How impressive," Orochimaru notes.

Obito exhales. "I try," he bites out, then glances towards Sasuke and Sakura, trying to express urgency with his eyes. Fly, you fools.

Just when he starts to think that his message had been lost in translation, Sakura's eyes widen, and she looks behind her.

Thank Doug that Kakashi's team isn't entirely made up of numbskulls, he thinks, and barely manages to jerk out of the way before the earth breaks open before him.

Oh, he thinks, feeling a little lightheaded as he watches a tree split in two, Fuck.

"You're amusing," Orochimaru tells him, "But not enough for me to keep you alive." Then, with a smile that is edged with barbed wire, he repeats his words from before. "You do understand, don't you?"

Obito presses his lips together, then tenses when his shadow is swallowed by another, larger one. When he looks up, there's a giant fucking snake hovering over him.

Fuck me, he thinks, and dives out of the way before it can swallow him in one bite.

After chuckling, Orochimaru immediately turns his attention back towards Sasuke and Sakura, because he's a dickwad who likes playing with his food. He says something to them about not being able to escape, and Obito grimaces before ducking under the snake's tail.

Okay. This is just a snake. It shouldn't be that hard to take it down. Even Naruto managed it, he reassures himself.

Then, in a far dryer voice he hears, He's the protagonist.

Obito's expression sours, but he takes the words into consideration. Even if they're true, it really is just a really big snake, and if he can just get a good jump in, he can take it out with relative ease.

His hand trails downwards and falls upon a short blade. Once the snake lunges for him once again, he throws his hand outwards and nearly manages to slice its head clean off.

It hangs off by a thread and leaves blood spraying out in his direction, which is absolutely fucking disgusting, but the fact that it doesn't get back up is very reassuring.

If Orochimaru had immortal snakes, he'd just have given up and thrown him into kamui. It's a last resort, not only because Kakashi's Mangekyou matches his own and would be suspicious as all hell if he managed to figure anything out about it, but because he really doesn't want to clean up blood and viscera, nor does he want to be unable to return because Voldemort's Japanese cousin is running around in there.

At the same time Obito raises his gaze towards the fight above, a barrage of weapons is thrown at the second snake.

"Sorry, Sasuke," Naruto says with a grin. "I can't remember that stupid password.

"End scene," Obito mutters, huffing out a laugh. "That's a chapter-closing line if I've ever heard one." He pauses, eyes narrowed. "Wait—"


A/N:

yes, this chapter is riddled with cliches, because I thought it was hilarious
I was just gonna write the full fight here, but I wrote the ending as a joke and I couldn't bring myself to remove it
the next chapter will be up really soon though, so dw LOL

also?
I never realized that Orochimaru disguising himself as a Kusa (grass) nin referenced (or could reference) the 'snake in the grass' idiom until I was writing that part?
wild.

anyway
Thanks for reading!