Note: As can be expected in the title, there would be implicit and explicit mentions of abortion. If that makes you uncomfortable, well, this is your warning.

Other than that... enjoy :)


She did not know the reason why Callie was so scared of telling her she's pregnant with Mark's baby. They've been the best of friends for years now, and she was actually aware before of how her current best friend did it with her former "lover".

Only in Seattle.

"I'm… gonna keep it." She smiled weakly, head spinning with the implication of those words. Once upon a time, she was the one in Callie's place. Only, she took a totally different path.

"I'm happy for you, Cal." Addison smiled genuinely, surprising even herself for meaning those words. She could be nothing but happy for her best friend, of course, that's a given, but the situation made her head reel with the pain of the past.

What's best often feels like the worst.

Her pager saved her, making her rush out of Callie's presence. Tears were about to fall, her best friend's words taking her back to that hellish clinic, her mind painting the place a dark and miserable one—like the asylums normally seen in movies.

She went through the day, distracted, self completely detached. Many times she bumped into Callie she pretended to be okay, but as she neared her house she became closer and closer to a full meltdown.

What if she kept the baby?

What if she didn't think Mark wasn't worth it?

What if she didn't love her husband so much?

What if she thought she's worthy enough to go through it?

What if she thought the baby could somehow… change things for the better?

She opened the door, breaths already labored. She was doing her best to stop herself from crying. The last time she let go, it was right after the procedure, in her car, by the parking lot.

Alone.

"Addie?" Her gaze shifted to her husband, who was wearing an apron and mittens, flour almost in every visible place. Beside him was their 3-year old son, who was smiling widely at her.

"Mommy!" She tried to smile while tears blurred her vision, remaining rooted by the front door instead of rushing to hug Caden like how she does every day.

And while the 3-year old might not see or understand it, she knows her husband is slightly aware of what was happening to her.

"Cade, Mommy will change first, alright?" Derek said softly, their son nodding in agreement.

"Le's go, Daddy!" Derek nodded, but not before rushing to her first, a frown etched on his face.

"What's wrong?" He asked, looking as if he would do anything to hold her, had his hands not been dirty.

"Callie's… Callie's pregnant. It's—It's Mark's." A sob finally came out of her, making her cover her mouth so their son wouldn't hear.

Derek knows about her could-have-been child with Mark. Of course, it pissed him, and that was a hundred steps back from their progress. It was the worst of times, as he found out during the child's supposed first birthday.

She was battling over setting aside her grief, and begging her husband once again for forgiveness.

"You're…" There was disbelief in his face, and her blurring vision from desperately trying to keep it together prohibited her from threading lightly with him.

"I'll be fine," She dismissed, side stepping him and rushing to their bedroom. She ignored her husband's calls, finally locking herself in the master's bathroom and crying hysterically.

Their baby could have been five years old now.


She peeked through the window, watching as Mark carried Sofia for the first time.

The whole family went through hell with Callie and Arizona's accident. Addison can't even bear to mind the nagging feeling of seeing Mark with his own baby, as she was greatly relieved they all survived.

She felt a hand on her lower back and when she turned, she saw her husband also looking through the window.

"They survived," She said, turning back just in time to catch Mark's eyes. His smile dropped for a moment, understanding written in his eyes, and she knew he saw through her.

Once upon a time he was the one on this side of the window, after she gave birth to Caden.

She never knew how overwhelming the grief was on this side. For her, it's added with an exceedingly great amount of regret.

"Thanks to you," Derek told her, snapping her out of her thoughts. When she looked back at him, he was smiling at her, that proud glint present like it always was. He further moved his arms so that he was now holding her close to him, hands gently residing by the front of her waist.

"I did my part… we all did." With the grief coursing through her body, she could not even bear to keep her righteously confident facade.

"He deserves that." It was like air was snuffed out of her lungs, regret flooding through her veins once again. She took a step forward, releasing herself from Derek's hold. "You should talk to him, Addie."

She heard it from Derek over and over again since that night she went home on the verge of a meltdown. There never was a day he failed to suggest that notion.

And she felt lost, as she couldn't even find it in her to shout, because it was all her fault, wasn't it?

If it weren't for her, maybe their baby would be alive, running down Seattle Grace's hallways.

A part of her knows that isn't the case, but her regrets grew like weed, eating her alive, telling her that their happy life right now could have been hers too.

Ella could have been here too.

"Don't beat yourself up. It's not good for you. Talk to him, Addie."

"You shouldn't be saying that. Why do you keep saying that?" Her voice was thick with tears. His eyes were too, and she didn't know why. "You should be angry. You should be yelling at me right now, because I cheated and because I almost had a baby with your best friend—why aren't you yelling?"

Her voice was slowly rising.

"Because you're hurting, and I hate seeing you in pain. And, I forgave you a long time ago. Because we trust each other now… don't we?" He could have dragged her to a more private place like an oncall room, but he didn't. He was just holding her gently, and she couldn't fucking take it. She wanted screaming and crying and making a scene, because these past months she just felt like a bomb ready to explode.

"We do," She said quietly, falling to his arms as he let her cry unnoticeably on his chest.


She would be… six years old now. Today.

She sat on the bench outside the hospital, eating a pickle. For some unknown reason, eating a lonely pickle today comforted her.

Maybe she would have craved it later in her pregnancy… she didn't with Caden.

"I gave you a pickle for lunch, the day when you told me…" Mark sat next to her, making her stop chewing.

She forgot about that. She forgot how his cheeks turned red when she stared at the pickle weirdly.

"Pregnant ladies… they love pickles, right?"

It was the most adorable thing he did, and she regrets how she took it for granted.

"I… yeah, I remember. I was so confused, though." She looked at him, and he was fighting a smile. They were silent for a while, understanding the hole their unborn child left.

All because of her.

"I'm sorry," She finally said, voice breaking. It was her choice—that, she had no regrets believing. But a part of her pushes the guilt deeper, knowing that Mark was Ella's father… still.

"Addison… I…" She felt him turn to her and he made her look at him. "I've learnt to accept it. I might have blamed you… but you were right. I wasn't ready then—"

"You could have been great… you are. With Sofia…" She felt broken, as she stared at Mark's eyes. A part of her believes this could have Ella's eye color.

"Because of what happened. Because of Sloan, because of… the baby—"

"Ella. I think, I know our baby would have been a girl. She… would have been six today." And right there, she knew she went past through Mark's walls, the way his resolve crumbled. "She would have been in the first grade. She would have the same gap between her teeth as me. She would have your eyes—"

"Addison, stop." His voice was stern, as if it physically pained him to listen to her.

"She could be running—"

"No… I want—no. We need to believe things happen for a reason. As much as I would have loved for her to be here… do you think we would have the things we have now had she…"

He couldn't continue, because they both know saying it out loud is as good as a betrayal.

"You wouldn't have Caden, I wouldn't have Sofia…" Addison closed her eyes, and tried to picture her could-have-been daughter.

To say she was sorry.

Something she always do during this day.

"Are you… do you regret…?" She took a deep breath. She wanted nothing more than to go home and hug her son… to her family.

To Derek.

"I… it was the right decision for me at that time."

They were silent for a while, Addison fearing how Mark would have digested her words.

"You're not normally like this, Addison." She shook her head, face pursing with the need to cry.

"I found out two weeks ago I'm pregnant. And… And I have this feeling like I did with the baby that it's going to be a girl and I feel so much regret and guilt—"

"Addison…" Mark pulled her closer in a hug as she cried. All she did these days was cry, and she was getting tired of it.

"Does Derek know you feel like…" She shook her head before he could finish. "Tell him, Addison."

"I will." They have a surprisingly healthy relationship now… and the incomparable happiness was one of the main sources of her guilt. The sacrifices she needed to do to have this.

"I wanted to tell you first. Ella was ours." She knew her words affected him with how his shoulders tensed. She pulled away, wiping the tears from her eyes

"We wouldn't have what we have now if things were different." He squeezed her hand as she nodded, blowing through her mouth with pursed lips, attempting to stop her tears.

"In another life, maybe she's…" Addison trailed off.

"Yeah… I'd like to believe our Ella would be real. In another life." His smile could have been hers too.

When he uttered her name, she felt as if something heavy inside her was lifted.

Things happen for a reason.