A/N: It's been a while! I've been spending every waking moment working on a JunAi fic, which should be ready for tomorrow, but this absolutely crazy idea came to me in a sort of fever dream. Maerchen Village is a real theme park in Saga, and it is absolutely wild. I highly recommend looking it up.


Chapter 3: Fairy Tale Village


Lily glares at me from across the table.

"C'mon Shrimpy, it wasn't that bad!"

I see the 'ON AIR' light flick on.

"Shit! Uh, welcome back to So Saga Can Be Saga! We've got a special report for you today, sponsored by one of the prefecture's finest attractions," Lily continues to stare holes into my head, I ignore her, "That's right! Maerchen Village! Basically it's a theme park that doubles up as a zoo."

Lily adds, not even trying to hide her frustration, "A petting zoo."

"For kids."

"Little kids."

"Well you're 10, so-"

"I'm 12."

I clear my throat, "Anyway, we figured, uh," I look at my notes — a bunch of sappy marketing shit — and unceremoniously dump them on the floor, "Look, they offered to pay us to visit and I thought you know what, it'd be hilarious to take Number 6 there. And it was."

She pouts, "You told me we were going to a fairytale kingdom zoo and theme park."

"Look me in the eye and tell me it wasn't all of those things."

Suddenly she's unsure of herself, "Well…"

"Exactly. Now in case you guys have never had the pleasure of visiting this uh…esteemed location, let me set the scene for you. The whole place is sealed in this wall of half-dead trees. They're half-dead all year round, apparently. The entrance, the first one (there's two), is this rainbow arch guarded by those dudes they have in London. You know, the ones with the big furry hats? Anyway, they're green, as in their skin is green, and they have these pink bunnies squatting by their feet. You walk through that, through a green tunnel, then you get greeted with this kind of, I guess it's meant to be a European house or something. It's grungy as fuck."

Lily jumps in, "The squirrel was cute."

"The one above the door?"

"Well that one too."

"Shrimpy you are not talking about the one in the park."

"It was cute!"

Tae, who'd been sitting quietly in the corner chewing on a newspaper up to this point, leaps onto the table and growls into the mic.

I hold my hands up, "Whoa, whoa, okay Zero, chill out! For context, she's talking about this massive fuck-off squirrel you can see from over the trees. Real nightmare fuel."

"It has a nice smile," Lily says in a sugary-sweet voice.

"You climb into its nut and slide out of its ass. That smile ain't nice."

"Why do you have to make it so dirty!"

"I just call it like it is, Shrimpy."

"Zero liked it."

"Yeah but she would."

Lily crosses her arms, "And what's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm just saying when Zero sees a squirrel she has one thought and one thought only: food. If that's a shock to you guys out there then I'm sorry, but my girl is a big eater. A big squirrel is just a big meal."

Lily pats Tae on the shoulder, "We had fun on the slide! Didn't we Zero?"

"Grrhahrghgh!" Tae agrees.

I snicker, "I'm sure the squirrel did too."

"Stop it!"

I lean back in my chair, "Seriously though, what was your favourite ride?"

She thinks for a second, then replies, "The ladybug rollercoaster."

I nod, "Yeah that was pretty good. I would've picked Thomas The Tank Engine."

Her face grows pale, "You can't be serious."

"It was fun! Till that kid threw up on your back."

"I don't wanna think about it…"

"At least the mom was apologetic. I mean if she hadn't been I would've whooped her ass."

I look at Lily's downhearted face and realise I've gone too far.

Shit. Gotta back this train up fast.

I say, "The petting zoo was good though, right?"

She nods, still looking dejected, "Yeah, the bunnies were cute."

I had no idea, cos the only way we could get Lily into the petting area safely (i.e. without the animals being eaten alive) was with me babysitting Tae by the giant death squirrel. I slid out of that fucker's asshole more times than I care to remember.

Out of the corner of my eye I see one of the guys in the equipment room signing for me wrap it up. I ignore him.

I point at Lily, "Then there's the pool."

"I was too old for the pool."

"Yeah but they didn't know that."

"They did," she insists, glaring at me, "They were just too afraid of you to kick me out."

Scratching the back of my head, I sigh, "I thought you enjoyed the pool."

She looks away, "Well, it was fun."

Fuck yeah, I knew it. I'm psychic. Yugiri eat your heart out.

I lay it on thick, "You looked really pretty in your swimsuit too."

I can tell I've been too nice cos now she's giving a suspicious look, "You really think so?"

"When have I lied to you?"

"You lied about Maerchen Village being a zoo."

"No I didn't. It's just also a theme park."

"For little kids."

Then through my headset I hear a fuzzy, "Hello?"

Pressed against the glass is a sign saying, 'THEME PARK STAFF'.

Oh shit.

"Uh… hello? Who's calling?"

Lily looks at me innocently, genuine confusion on her face. Tae, blissfully unaware, drools onto the Asahi Shinbun. Only I know the magnitude of the shit that's about to hit the fan.

The voice, which clearly belongs to some old biddy somewhere, clears its throat, "I clean the toilets at Maerchen Village-"

Oh shit oh fuck-

"-and I couldn't just sit here and listen to you insult our fine park after what you did to it!"

I choose my words carefully, "Lady, your toilets ain't even worth shitting in."

"I see some pretty unpleasant sights during my line of work, but after your visit-"

"I'm telling you, I did not-"

"I mean honestly. You didn't even flush…!"

"How do you know it was me? You don't know it was me!"

"It was not a child-sized misdemeanor young lady."

I can literally hear the guys in the back yelling CUT TO ADS, CUT TO ADS, but I ain't backing down.

"Listen here you shrivelled up prune. I didn't slide out of a goddamn synthetic squirrel's asshole just to shit in a bush. So I forgot to flush, whoop dee do. What do you think you're paid for?"

That gets her fucking frantic, "Whoop dee do? Whoop dee DO!?"

Lily takes a deep breath, and then in the sweetest, purest voice you can imagine, says, "I'm very sorry for my friend's behaviour. I loved visiting your park. I felt like I could sparkle brighter there than anywhere else in Saga. I highly recommend it to all of our listeners."

The old lady is left speechless. I take my shot.

"I'D TOTALLY SHIT IN IT AGAIN! AND I WOULDN'T FLUSH, EITHER!"

One of the guys in the back sprints for the studio door.

I punch some buttons before he has a chance to undo my good work, "And that's all we've got time for today, so let's end on a song! Sparkle by Tatsuro Yamashita! Goodnight, and remember: the toilet you're looking for can always be found in Saga!"