The first physio session after rehab was gruelling. Mike was exhausted after the session. Wow, he thought, this is tougher that I thought. Aloud he said to Kate, "Brings back memories of those PT sessions at Recruit School. And I thought that was tough."

Kate laughed, "It was the same at officer training. You'd know that."

"True," he said. He looked around, as if seeing things for the first time. A different perspective. The world seemed a bit more confronting, he thought. I'm seeing it from Jessica's point of view. He vowed to be more protective of his little daughter.

The time went on, and Mike started to feel sensations in his legs. His doctor told him this was a good sign, that feeling was returning. He was encouraged by this, and worked hard in his sessions. To prevent boredom, it was suggested that he could go back to work, on a part-time basis, so Steve brought some files and signals for him to go through, and bring himself up to speed with NAVCOM's workings.

Steve sat with him in his lounge room, drinking coffee. They had talked about each day's reports and signals, and Mike said to Steve, "You know, I have missed all this. I really want to come back."

"I'm glad to hear," Steve answered. "I've been watching the openings, for frigate postings. I'd gladly hand back to you. Acting CO of HMAS Cairns is a tough gig."

"I hear you. I miss being at sea," Mike sighed.

"Don't forget sir, I'm just warming your seat. Also, Hammersley will be returning to port in about three weeks. Kate will resume her command." Almost as if he had read Mike's mind, Steve went on, "I have alerted DCO to organise any help you need. Don't worry about that. We just want you getting well."

The day came, just before Hammersley was due to lay alongside, when during one of Mike's physio sessions, his physio helped him to stand and try some steps to determine what strength and use he had regained in his legs. He collapsed after a few steps. He pulled himself up on the bars for a second try. Again, his legs buckled under him. He felt frustrated and angry, especially when his third attempt was an abject failure. The physio said, "Don't let it get you down; while feeling is returning, your legs are very weak. Don't forget that your spinal cord had shock as well as compression to deal with, so not all the signals from your brain are travelling through as yet. We'll work on strength and movement. I'll give you some movement exercises to do at home."

The following days were exasperating for Mike; it seemed to him that despite all the work he was doing both at home and in the studio, he wasn't getting anywhere. His physio said to him, "This is to be expected, Mike. You're having a setback, but if you put your mind to it, you'll get through it. Keep on going with your exercises. You're doing well. See you tomorrow." Mike said nothing. He wheeled himself out to the car where Gregory was waiting in silence. Gregory made some desultory conversation, but gave up when Mike didn't respond. They arrived home, and Mike went straight to his desk. Gregory was only mildly concerned, and went and exchanged a few words with Philip before returning home.

It was Philip who first noticed the change in Mike. Outwardly, he still seemed the same, going to physio, working, and taking Jessica for rides on his lap in his "magic chair." But Philip observed that Mike had withdrawn into himself; he said less in conversations, he was no longer going to the pub to have a drink with Buffer and 2Dads, and he was avoiding Kate.

Philip talked about it with Kate, and with Gregory, and it was agreed that Mike was frustrated at what he perceived as his lack of progress. Mike was impatient to resume his former life, and was struggling with how his current life was playing out. He did not want to think about the possibility of permanent disability and the end of his Navy career. It was a fear he harboured, nonetheless. This fear became a monster; taking over his every thought and action, driving him to achieve full recovery. He refused to listen to his physio, doctors, and counsellor who had told him that recovery could be a slow progress, punctuated with days where no results were achieved. He would not listen to any talk of acceptance of his condition and looking at alternative pathways outside the Navy. It was all he had known; If his career ended, what would he do? What would he become? Would Kate still love him and want him? This dreadful fear was uppermost in his mind, taking over his life. His physio had noticed how this dread, this monster was affecting Mike's progress, but Mike would not talk to him about it.

Mike's nightmare.

Steve drove down to Mike and Kate's with the day's signals and reports to go through. If Steve noticed that Mike was not giving them his full attention, he said nothing. Until he picked up the signal received from Hammersley. Acting CO Lt. Miles reported that a boarding of a SIEV had uncovered a cache of illegal explosive materiel. He had reported that they had seized the boat, put the crew in Austere, and put a steaming party on the boat.

Mike had said briefly, "Fine. Call the Federal Police and the Anti-Terrorism Unit. It's their responsibility now. That will be all, Steve."

"Sir? I still have the signals from Bundaberg and Childers to look at."

"I said, that will be all. Dismissed, Commander."

Steve accepted the order in silence. He reached for his visor cap and walked out. He passed Kate in the kitchen, and declined her offer of coffee.

After dinner that night, Mike retired early to bed. It took him some time to fall asleep.

Mike sat in the captain's chair on board Hammersley. His eyes were fixed on the pleasure boat a nautical mile off the bow. Along with him, everyone else's eyes on the bridge, were staring forward. He keyed the UHF hand-held radio and spoke into it, "Swain, Captain Roth, return to the ship." He turned to Kate," X, prepare a RHIB." He repeated his words and added, "That's an order, gentlemen." Before anyone could respond to the call for boarding stations, the boat exploded in front of Hammersley. "No..no…Jim…Swain, Jim, Swain, no, oh no, NO NO! JIM! SWAIN! JIM! SWAIN!" Someone was shaking his shoulder; he couldn't stop shouting. The light went on, "Mike, Mike, wake up. Come on, Mike, wake up." Kate was shaking him, he awoke, still yelling," JIM! SWAIN!"

Kate said, "You were dreaming, you were having a bad dream, it's over, it was a bad dream." Mike was drenched in sweat, and tears were on his face.

"Oh God," he whispered, and felt Kate's arms around him.

Kate said, "You haven't had this nightmare for years. I wonder what triggered it. What were you talking about with Steve?"

"I don't remember."

"Try to go back to sleep. It was only a bad dream."

The next morning, when Mike awoke, Kate was already up making breakfast and thinking about the day ahead. Jessica would not be at preschool today, so she thought she'd take her to see Amelia, while Gregory took Mike to his physio session. Mike wheeled himself out to the kitchen, and took a mug of tea, but declined any breakfast. When Kate asked him if he was OK, he mumbled he wasn't hungry. Kate went and helped Jessica get ready, then went to see if Mike wanted any assistance. She asked, "Need anything?" to which Mike shouted," I'm fine, aren't I? Just leave me alone!" Kate, shocked into silence by the uncharacteristic outburst, made the bed, and dressed.

In the physio's studio, Mike was again trying to stand in the parallel bars and move his feet. Yet again, this was proving more challenging than he realised, and he told the physio he'd had enough and prepared to leave. His physio responded, "I call time on these sessions, not you. Your time's not up yet." Seeing Mike's exasperation, he changed the exercise. He worked on putting some strength into Mike's legs; conducting movements to stop the muscles atrophying, and the physio decided to conclude the session with that exercise. He reminded Mike, "Whether or not you see it, you are making progress." Mike left without a word.

When Gregory brought him home, Kate was back with Jessica. She was preparing lunch, and invited Gregory to stay. He thanked her, but said, "I'm sure Amelia has something for me. I will see you later. And Philip,would you like to come and see my garden if you're free this afternoon?" On that note, Gregory left.

Kate asked Mike, "How was your session today?" and received a morose silence in reply. Philip and Kate exchanged looks.

Later that day, when Jessica went to ask if she could have a ride in Daddy's magic chair, please, she received the outburst: "For goodness, sake, leave me alone will you? Stop pestering me!"

The child burst into to tears and ran to Kate. Sobbing, she said, "Mummy, Daddy doesn't like me! He doesn't like me!"

Kate took her into her arms, and said, "Daddy does like you sweetheart. He's just very unhappy today. He loves you, honey. Come on, let's go talk to Grandpa." Kate was annoyed at Mike for speaking to Jessica as he had done, but she was not ready to confront him.

Philip was working on his laptop in his bedroom. He swung around in his seat when Kate knocked and entered with Jessica, still crying. "Why mo ghaoil! What's wrong? Why the tears?" He reached out his arms, and Jessica hurtled toward him, burying her face in his shirtfront. Kate said, "Mike told her to leave him alone, in no uncertain terms. She wanted to go for a ride with him."

Kate was still angry, but was more concerned for her child.

Philip said to her quietly, "I've noticed a change in Mike. It's been coming for a while. I don't know what brought it on, but we were warned by the doctor that he'd have days like this. I suppose the best we can do is be patient with him, he'll come out of it."

"Dad, I don't know how much more I can take. He had a nightmare, and turned to me for comfort, but that has been the only time in the last few weeks he has wanted to be close to me. He's gone away from me, Dad, and I don't know how to handle this. I am trying to be supportive. But honestly, I can't wait until Hammersley returns, and I can go back to sea. I'm tired too, Dad, but he doesn't see it. He has become so sullen and withdrawn, he has forgotten I that I miss him, and I'm so exhausted –" Here Kate started weeping too, and Philip reached his hand out to her. "Mo ghaoil, mo chroì."

Philip thought for a while, then he said, "I've been looking over business operations in Exmouth. I may need to go home for a bit. What say I take the little one with me? I'll take her out on my boat while I'm there."

At the word, "boat," Jessica looked up at her grandfather. "I go on your boat, Grandpa? I can go to sea like the Navy?"

"Yes you can, my little sailor. Yes you can."

Jessica cheered up, and Kate wiped her eyes. Philip said to her, "I'll go at the end of the week, and return when you go back to Hammersley. It will give Jessica a good break. Now, we've decided, let's have a song. What will we sing?"

At his desk, Mike could hear the strains of "Mairi's Wedding" coming from Philip's room. He heard the beautiful tone in Kate's voice, harmonising with Philip's baritone. He wanted badly to join in, but Jessica's words had wounded his heart. He heard them over and over again. Daddy doesn't like me. Daddy doesn't like me. Slumped in his wheelchair, he buried his face in his hands. Aloud he said, "What bloody use am I to anyone?"