Heads up this is a pretty heavy chapter that will touch on injuries (as well as the implication of them being intentional), anxiety and infertility issues
Rose was down in the TARDIS today, they kept the young ship in the garden out in the wooded area behind the house. Originally she'd been in the Doctor's workshop but eventually, she had needed the space to grow her internal matrix unencumbered. The Doctor had to sign some documents himself and they'd asked for privacy so off she'd gone to their ship.
Rose circles the console, fingers grazing the controls as she does so. It looks different to the one she'd first travelled in. It still looks very natural, hard to believe she'd ever thought TARDIS' were built.
The room was domed with panes of orange reflective material within the arches of coral that made up the walls. The top canopy was made up of green glass in odd triangles - like that of church windows - these met with the top section of the time rotor.
From the coral structures grew vines and greenery that twisted along the walls and ceiling. The floor looked to be made of moss with pathways of more of the reflective orange material cutting through, light shone through from within these pathways, the material was cut in a similar triangular pattern to the ceiling. The console itself also looked like it had been grown from the very woods it was hidden in, all bark and polished wood.
Rose thinks it's beautiful, has ever since they'd first stepped inside their fully grown TARDIS. Sometimes the console blooms with foreign and exotic flowers that the Doctor told her were native to Gallifrey.
As she circles the room she thinks about the trip she will have to make. She doesn't want the day to come but knows it will sooner rather than later. Everything that she needs is already packed within their beautiful ship. All the mementoes and alien gadgets from their long life together, nestled away. She would need to move the TARDIS out from the woods first though if her suspicions appear correct.
The TARDIS wheezes, trying to comfort her. Rose pats the nearest strut with a smile.
"Sorry, dear. Let's think about something else, hey?"
But try as she might, she can't stop thinking about what's going on in the house. She'd grown accustomed to doctors and nurses in their lives after all.
-x-x-
"Where the bloody hell is he?" Rose demanded as she stalked through the halls of Torchwood.
It'd been a few weeks since they'd gotten back from their trip to San Andreas and she'd just received news that the Doctor had been injured on his first field mission since their return. She was furious. She'd been in a meeting with the board of Torchwood about the ethical management of invading species and how to deal with the nation's xenophobia. She'd barely stepped out of the boardroom when a panting intern had informed her.
The same intern that was now struggling to keep pace with her as she stormed into medical. A nurse having shakily pointed in the direction as to where the Doctor could be found. They'd obviously dealt with her before - unlike the intern trailing behind her - and knew better.
"Miss Lewis, I strongly suggest you wait until medical says it's safe to-" The intern stopped mid-sentence with a squeak as Rose suddenly spun round to face them.
"Did you or did you not come to tell me that the Doctor had been injured?"
"I did but-"
"And were you not instructed to give me this information?"
"Yes, I was but-"
"Then it stands to reason that I was expected, doesn't it?" With that Rose pushed open the last of the doors separating her from the Doctor leaving the intern out in the cold.
She stopped suddenly at the sight of his bloody and battered body. She felt the blood and breath rush from her leaving her cold. He could have died and she would have been all alone just like in her nightmares.
But just as quickly the fear was replaced with anger. And she stalked forwards once more.
"You bloody idiot! What the hell were you thinking? Are you trying to get yourself killed? Or have you forgotten that you're mortal?" She hissed at him.
She was torn between giving him a piece of her mind as she came to stand beside his bed. And clinging to him so tightly that she could be sure that he was here and not going anywhere. She could be sure that he wasn't going to fade away before her eyes again.
She'd barely been able to survive it the first time it had happened, had struggled the same the second time when the blue box had wheezed out of sight; she doesn't know what she'd do if it'd happened for a third time. She's not that strong.
And he knew. He knew all of this. After all, they shared many of the same nightmares now. And still, he'd thrown himself at danger without a thought for her.
Distantly, she was aware of the doctors and nurses vacating the room but she couldn't care about anything else apart from the man in front of her that she lo- cared for.
"I was trying to save Jake's life." The Doctor reasoned in an even tone despite her yelling.
"And what about your life? Was there no one else that could have helped? Or is life so terrible that you can't-" She broke off as she felt the tears bubble up.
She looked away from him unable to keep the tears at bay when she looked at him lying like that bruised and broken. She feels rather than sees him grabbing her hand. A tear escaped even as she squeezed her eyes shut. God, she could have lost him. And where would she be then?
"I was just trying to do what I thought was best. I couldn't see any other solution at the time. And look I'm fine and so is Jake, so it all worked out in the end."
Rose turned to stare at him incredulously, tears still streaking down her cheeks and his hand still in hers.
"Fine? You call this fine? Look at you. What if it had been worse? What would I have done then?" She pleaded with him to see.
"You would have been fine without me, it wouldn't be the first time." He muttered, lying back on the pillows.
She dropped his hand as she walked a pace away with a scoff.
"Yes, I have done it before but I was far from fine. Which is why I spent four years trying to get back to you! And you were just going to throw it all away, just when I thought we were finally getting somewhere. I don't know how to do this without you, yet you clearly don't care as you're so willing to throw it all away!"
"How can you ask if I don't care? How can you even think that? When you're the one that pushed me away." The Doctor was getting worked up too now.
"Then why did you do this to yourself? Great mind like yours couldn't think of another option?" She spat the last sentence at him like a taunt, as she paced the space beside his bed, even now not willing to be further from him.
"There wasn't time, I had to save Jake."
"And what about me!" She screamed back, unable to think about what she was saying before it had torn itself free.
She staggered back a step, chest heaving. Oh god, she'd ruined everything, hadn't she? She'd let her insecurities get the best of her and now she'd revealed too much.
Without a second thought, she turned on her heel and ran from the room. She couldn't do this right now.
-x-x-
The Doctor had been in medical two weeks before Rose saw him again, the day he came back to their shared home. She hadn't been back to see him, fearful of how she'd react this time. And to be fair she'd been in back to back meetings since her talk with the board about ethics.
She was hunched over her laptop reviewing the board's proposal when the sound of crutches on tiles had her head shooting up.
"I thought you were still in medical." Was all she could think to say.
"I was there for two weeks, they discharged me." He made his way to the chair opposite her.
She stood to help him but he moved out of her way.
"Here let me help you."
"I've got it."
Dejected, she wilted back into her chair. She pulled her legs up onto the seat, needing the comfort. She'd done this, she reminded herself, she'd done this in the hospital.
The Doctor sank into the opposite chair as he'd intended, in a controlled fall. It didn't look comfortable. Her hands itched to reach out and help but he'd already pushed her away once.
She stared at him nervously for several moments. Gnawing at her lip as she considered their situation.
He wasn't looking at her, he was staring at the floor, breathing heavily.
God, she really had ruined everything, hadn't she?
She could barely stomach the thought, but it wouldn't leave her alone.
"I'm sorry." They blurted in unison.
The Doctor looked up from the tiles to meet her fearful gaze, his own face scrunched in confusion.
"Why are you sorry? It was me that was reckless."
She shrugged a twitchy nervous gesture.
"I shouldn't have screamed at you. You were just doing what you've always done and I made it about me. It was selfish."
"You were scared that I was going to leave you again. And honestly, after you came to see me I thought you were going to leave me. Thought you were gonna be gone when I got back. I'm glad you're still here." He chuckled but it was mirthless and painful.
She shook her head adamantly, still worried he was going to disappear or pass out in front of her.
"I'm not going to leave you unless you want me to. Ever. I promise."
His brows furrowed again.
"You can't promise that."
"Yes, I can. I'm not leaving you, ever."
The Doctor took a deep breath, taken aback by the depth of her sincerity in her gaze.
"I'm glad you're here, I thought you wouldn't want to come back," Rose admitted.
"I always want to come back to you."
She smiled carefully, "Me too."
He smiled back at her gently, flesh still tender.
Things weren't perfect and the road ahead was rocky but it was a start.
-x-x-
"Doctor!" Rose woke with a scream.
Her chest still heaving from her dream, her hands scrambled over the bedding in the dark for her fiance but she couldn't feel him anywhere. Her breathing came quicker now as her panic grew. With shaky hands, she reached for the bedside light to illuminate the room but he wasn't there. Fear mounting she tumbled from their bed and rushed out of the room through the darkened house.
Where was he? Had he really left her? He told her wouldn't. He said he'd always come back. So where was he?
She all but flew down the stairs in her haste to find him. He wasn't in the living room, she moved to the basement door but it was shut, it was always kept open when he was down there to show her the light. She wrenched it open nonetheless. But there was no light or sound from within.
She grasped handfuls of her hair as her terror increased. She couldn't catch her bloody breath and he was nowhere to be found.
Her gaze caught sight of the front door and noted his missing shoes. Truly panicking now, she rushed forward to pull open the door. It took several tugs before she realised it was locked and thought to turn the lock, a feat with her trembling, clammy hands. His car was gone.
"No. No. No. No." She repeated with wide eyes, as she staggered backwards towards the kitchen.
She looked about herself desperately for anything, anything at all that would prove she was wrong. Then she spotted the calendar, today's date marked along with four others that stated the Doctor was at a conference for Torchwood's management of advanced technology.
Her breathing slowly started to ease as she fought to get her fear under control. Her heart still pounding away in her chest as it waited for the memo. She swallowed dryly.
He wasn't gone forever. He'd be back the day after tomorrow, it would only be one more day by the time morning came.
But still, some of the desperation of her panic and her dream lingered. She reached for the kitchen phone, desperately needing to hear his voice. She sank to the floor against the cupboards as she dialled his number.
"'Llo." His voice croaked down the line, heavy with sleep.
"Doctor?" She asked, part of her needed that confirmation that it was him as she clutched the phone to ear with two desperate hands.
"Rose?" There was the rustle of sheets on the other end. "What's wrong?"
Her head thumped back against the cupboard door as her panic receded further.
"Couldn't sleep. Forgot where you were."
"Oh." And she could tell he could piece together what had happened.
It wasn't an infrequent occurrence for either of them. It wasn't usually an issue as they simply had to reach out to find the other. Or they could be found downstairs. But similar scenarios had played out before. Except last time it had been while she'd been away and she'd been the one getting the call.
"I'll be home soon, I'll try and come home earlier. The conference is dull anyhow."
"No, don't do that. I just needed to hear your voice. Make sure I wasn't imagining anything, ya know?" She fiddled with a thread on her pyjama shorts as she spoke.
"Yeah, I know." He sighed in recognition, likely remembering when he was in her place. "What would you like to hear, my dear?"
"Can you tell me a story, something you did before I met you? If it's okay, I don't want you to be tired at your conference tomorrow."
"Of course it's okay. I could even get forty winks in the back if need be." He joked, she heard the sheets rustle again as he flopped back down again.
She smiled, she could almost imagine how he looked. Hair sleep tousled and more fluffy than spikey and the matching smile he was likely wearing. How had she gotten so lucky?
"Okay, if you're sure. I need to shut the front door first, I think I left it open." She winced remembering the state of panic she'd been in moments prior as she stood, her heart rate was only just starting to slow down and the shakes had yet to abate entirely.
"Okay, just let me know when you're comfy."
She was thankful for how patient he was being even after she'd pulled him from sleep. With the door secured again, she considered climbing back upstairs to bed but ultimately decided she didn't want to be there without him. She took a seat on the sofa, pulling the throw down off of the back to drape over herself as she got comfy.
"Okay, I'm ready."
"Now, did I ever tell you about the time Barbara was confused for being a resurrected Aztec god?"
"No." Rose giggled.
"Well, let me tell you…"
-x-x-
"Hey, boss." Rose looked up from her report on team expenditure to see Gwen peering round her doorway, she raised an eyebrow in question. "Donna had her twins. Just got the message, they're perfectly healthy. She called them Joshua and Ella." Gwen told her flopping down into the desk chair in front of Rose.
"Oh good. How is she?"
"Lee says she's doing good. Look."
Gwen turned her mobile around to show a picture of Donna with the twins in her arms. And then swiped to show another picture of the twins, this time with them both in their hospital cribs.
Rose cooed over the picture.
"Well, I'm glad they're all alright. And how is Anwen?"
"Anwen's fine." Gwen reassured her, putting her feet up on the other chair in the familiar 'you worry too much' tone they used on her occasionally. "She's starting nursery next week, Rhys is terrified. Worried about her hurting herself without us there, thinks the staff won't spot it."
"Let me guess, you think he worries too much?" Rose asked teasingly, over the top of her computer screen.
"He does. You both do." Gwen told her firmly. "Anwen will be fine. And every child gets injured, bumps and bruises are normal, it's how they figure out what kinds of pains are serious and what's not." Gwen shrugged.
"Charming." Rose laughed.
"It's inevitable. Name one child who hasn't gone through it. You can't."
"Well, I'm sure there's a species that-"
"Human child." Gwen interrupted.
"Well, I don't know about that."
Gwen looked triumphant at that, clearly pleased to be proved right. She sat there for another few minutes in silence, spinning both chairs as Rose typed.
"When do you think you'll…" Gwen trailed off.
Rose looked up from her screen inquisitively, confused by Gwen's line of questioning. Or lack thereof. She didn't know what she was getting at.
"When what?"
"Ya know. When you and him are gonna have kids. You've been married... what five? Six years now?"
Rose was thrown at the question. The memory of doctor's waiting rooms, the trying and the inevitable bad news. How brokenhearted the Doctor had been. She'd been numb with the shock of it at the time. The heartbreak had come later for her.
She shook the memory free, focusing instead on her other question.
"Six this year."
"Exactly."
Rose hummed and returned to the numbers, focusing more intently than necessary.
"Well?" Gwen prompted when she received no further response.
"Hmm?"
"Kids. When're you two gonna have some? Even Tosh and Owen are engaged now. Ianto and Lisa got married last year. Sally's married to that bloke of hers as well. And I even saw Suzie making eyes at Erina. Or was it the new guy James? Hmm. Anyway, you get my point. So?"
Rose's hands dropped away from the keys with a reluctant sigh when she realised Gwen wasn't going to let this go. Why wouldn't she? The whole team was particularly close; there wasn't much they didn't share, working in close quarters in life and death situations would do that.
"I can't have kids, Gwen."
"Oh. I didn't realise, I'm sorry."
Rose gave a tight smile.
"It's fine. Don't exactly have much time for kids anyhow."
"Yeah, I suppose so."
After a moment Rose returned to her report. She was so focused she almost missed Gwen's next question.
"When did you find out?"
"Couple years ago? Think it was our first year here."
"Jesus." Gwen sank back in her chair as she considered this. "I can't imagine."
"Yeah, well. Can't be helped." Rose brushed off, she didn't like to think about it.
"Suppose." She spun the chair a little now. "You could always adopt?"
Rose thought about her lack of ageing, about the times she should have died and what it would one day mean. No, she couldn't adopt.
"Perhaps not, busy schedule and all. Though I'm always free to babysit." She added with a grin that almost didn't feel forced, trying to bring some levity to the situation.
Gwen gave a weak smile in return.
"I'll hold you to that." She told her as she stood.
"I have no doubt you will."
"See ya later, boss," Gwen called as she left the room.
Rose watched her leave. She didn't really feel like finishing her report anymore.
She switched the screen over to security, bringing up the internal map. Employees were expected to wear a chipped ID card that showed her where they were in case of an intrusion. She quickly located her husband's coded ID number and went to find him. He was in the lower levels in his workshop.
She walked past her team briskly as she went down to the lower levels, just barely acknowledging their greetings with a nod.
He was hunched over his work table working on improving their translation earpieces. She took a seat next to him on the bench, leaning her head on his shoulder. After a moment he rested his on top of her own.
"Donna had the twins, they're all fine. Gwen just came to tell me the news."
The Doctor hummed, "Was that all?" Knowing there was more to it than what she was saying but wanting her to open up without prompting.
"Mhmm." Rose agreed.
"No, it wasn't. What happened?" He lifted his head to press a kiss to her forehead, before laying it back down again.
Rose squeezed her eyes shut. The images from the painful realisation nearly three years ago flickering behind her eyelids on repeat ever since Gwen had brought it up.
"She wondered if we'd considered kids. Didn't know how to explain that I'd outlive any kids I did have."
He lifted his head, twisting his body around so he could look her in the eye. She reluctantly raised her own head to meet his gaze.
"It's not your fault, you know that."
"Still feels like it." Reached a hand up to fiddle with her hoop earring as she turned to sit sideways on the bench so she could rest her elbow on the table and still look at her husband. "Don't understand why you don't resent me for it." She admitted softly.
He took her free hand, bringing it to his lips to press a kiss to.
"I don't need kids to love you as much as I do. I've been a father before and I didn't exactly make a good go of it. I love you, and your happiness is more important to me than anything else."
She felt tears well in her eyes. She pressed her lips together as she tried to hold it together. God, she loved him so much. He'd never blamed her for it, always checking how she felt about it. She couldn't believe he was real sometimes.
"I love you so much. I just worry one day you'll regret it."
"I would never regret a single moment with you, Rose Tyler." The honesty and sincerity in his gaze was blinding.
She leaned up to press a kiss against his lips.
"I love you." She whispered against his lips.
"I love you." He repeated with a smile.
She smiled, pecking his lips once more before resuming her original position.
"Come on walk me through it, Mr Clever."
"Mr Clever?"
"Oh, like you've never thought it before." She teased with a tongue touched smile.
"Wellll…" He said dragging out the word.
She laughed, shoving him a little. God, she loved him so much. She couldn't imagine life without him. And she wouldn't have to again. At least not for a very long time.
-x-x-
Eventually Rose decides the best way to get her mind off of everything is to wander the corridors of their ship. The TARDIS keeps her mind company as she walks. Her constant presence keeps her fixed in the moment, not allowing her mind to wander to other things.
She pushes open doors at random but otherwise, she just walks, arms outstretched so they brush along the leaves that peak through the coral lattices that make up the walls of the corridor. She stops at a familiar door.
She bites her lip as she considers it. It was - is - their bedroom on the TARDIS. It hadn't been used in years since the Doctor was no longer fit to travel anymore. And they couldn't exactly have medical staff wandering through the TARDIS.
And thus the room had been abandoned.
She considers pushing open the door one last time. She knows she won't be able to come back to it once her husband is gone. It wouldn't feel right to be in their room without him. Just as it never had when he'd gone away for conferences or missions. She would likely never be able to sleep again once he's gone.
She's considered the thought before, but it's not something she wants to wallow on.
She pushes open the door after another moment of hesitation and steps across the threshold. It's just as they'd left it just as she remembers it.
The colour scheme is a mix of brown and pink. Her side of the room is decorated in shades of pink and yellow. The Doctor's in shades of brown and navy. It had suited them perfectly the mix of both of them rather than one of them taking over. Or a blurring of the both of them.
Because even after all these decades together they were still their own people, some things had never changed. They were both still too stubborn for their own good, Rose was still jeopardy friendly with a selfish streak she tried to fight and the Doctor was still rude with a penchant for pyrotechnics.
She wonders who she'll be afterwards. But decides it doesn't bare thinking about.
She picks up and touches the mementoes and trinkets that are scattered throughout, randomly as she walks around the room. Inevitably she finds herself in front of their bed. She hesitates for a moment before climbing on top of the sheets, curling up on the Doctor's side; she just lies there thinking about the future.
She doesn't move from that spot until she gets a call that they're all done inside. At which point she sits up, straightens the sheets and shuts the door behind her for potentially the last time.
She wonders how many more lasts do they have left? And finds she doesn't want to know the answer, as she leaves the treehouse that their TARDIS has disguised itself as. But the thought lingers even as she heads back to the house and bids their guests goodbye.
She's never thought to count them before with the others, yet with him, she can't stop thinking about it. But he's always been special, seared onto her heart as he was. She wonders how her heart will function without him.
A/N: Okay this chapter was quite heavy but I was hit with the first flashback and it just kind of spiralled from there. Picture inspiration for the tardis will be up on my tumblr: xawkward-ariesx if you want to see, I don't own the art. What did you think of the tardis? Let me know any thoughts in the comments :)
Comments:
Dreamcatcher56: Loved the backstory and moments of a life well lived...a great blast from the past as the team members were identified...I do not trust Andrea, it looks like she wants the Doctor for Torchwood and possibly for medical experimentation...Rose needs to stay on guard...this story is brilliant and such a joy to read...thanks for updating.
I'm glad the way I've decided to go over their backstory is going over well because I was a little worried about it being confusing. I tried to use as many canon characters for the teams but obviously the majority of classic who companions would be too old especially in Pete's universe were time runs quicker so I threw in a few made up characters to balance things out because honestly a team of 4 is ridiculous Jack! I had not considered that possibility with andrea... but you make an interesting point that could potentially solve a plot point I was struggling with so thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying it, it's a lil bit more regular than GG so far 😂😅
Bad Wolf Jen: sad but I want to read more
Yeah I just wanted an excuse to write something sad and angsty, plus the idea of building the backstory through flashbacks seemed like a fun challenge 😂 Glad you still want to read it despite that
