Chapter 9: Doubt & Hope

Upon returning home, Lossrilleth had fully intended to lock herself in her chamber and think hard about Legolas's request. Her mind churned as she contemplated every outcome of this quest, which seemed to become more complicated every day. Lossrilleth was engulfed in this analysis when she stepped over the threshold into Elrond's and Celebrian's familiar quarters.

The rich smell of baking bread woke Lossrilleth out of her rumination – she suddenly felt how tensely she was holding herself and stopped to take in a few deep breaths, willing her muscles to relax. Curious, she followed the smell outside into the enclosed kitchen garden and found Galadriel and Celebrian working in comfortable silence as they baked lembas in a stone oven. It was a pleasant afternoon – cool enough that the heat from the fire was not oppressive. The tall garden wall, covered in ivy, gave the family some private green space – a luxury in this semi-urban community. The two ladies glanced up at Lossrilleth upon her arrival and welcomed her in.

"You have not yet learned to bake lembas, have you?" Galadriel asked. "We are making much now, as you will need food for your journey." Lossrilleth shook her head 'no' and walked over to observe their work. "I admit I have never been much of a baker or a cook," she said.

Galadriel, who had been kneading a fresh mound of dough paused and looked at her curiously. "That's right – in the world of men women do both the cooking and the baking. How odd. You need not cook here – the ellyn do that. But it is good to learn how to make bread, especially lembas."

Galadriel beckoned Lossrilleth to join her and proceeded to instruct the younger lady in the art of making lembas. The three ellith spent the remainder of the day enjoying each other's company, the fine weather, and the careful, physical work of kneading dough, keeping an eye on its rise, and baking. By the time the light had begun turning dusky, so no new loaves could be started, Lossrilleth noticed that she felt much more at ease in her own skin.

Now in a calmer state to consider plans for her travels, she sought the advice of the ladies who had mentored, fostered, and taught her since her arrival in Valinor. With one eye on the loaves still in the fire, she began, "I went to the practice ground today. I told Legolas about how I came to be in Valinor."

Galadriel and Celebrian looked at her appraisingly.

"Yes, yes, I've told him everything about my background that needed to be disclosed. I did take your counsel to heart, do not worry. I know enough of life to know that secrets and lies are a poor foundation for a – a friendship. He says he is undeterred. He has asked to travel with Gandalf and I on my quest. I would welcome his company, but I think it can't be wise."

Lossrilleth paused, looking to her mentors to see their reaction.

"Why would you deem it unwise?" Galadriel asked neutrally.

Lossrilleth sighed, wishing for once that the ancient elf would give an opinion straight without first prompting her pupil to self-reflect. "Because at the end of this quest, I could find that I am, indeed, a danger to him and to this world if I become too… entangled in it. I've never felt like I fully arrived here – I still don't. But I can feel this connection pulling at me like gravity and I do not know what will happen if I finally land. If we travel together, will we become closer? Would an unwelcome answer and the return journey be only so much more painful?"

"No more painful for him, I think, than staying here in the city with nothing to divert him while you are off facing dangers and he must wait for answers that he also wants very badly to know. No more painful for you than walking home alone anticipating sharing unwelcome news and stuck in your own mind as you try to decipher your future here," Galadriel said.

Lossrilleth stared into the fire, her brow furrowed in confusion. In her life as a human, she thought, it would certainly be foolish to go on a long trip with a crush that may not be able to be consummated. Spending so much time together could only make them more and more fond of each other – so parting would hurt that much more.

Elrond stepped out from the entryway to the kitchen garden. "I did not mean to intrude, but I overheard you speaking. I agree with Galadriel. I have seen how it is for humans – for my brother and the many people who I fostered in Rivendell during my time in middle earth. If you were still human, I would agree with you. But it is different for elves. Does it not feel so to you? You said to me that you have been surprised that we have all been expecting your connection to advance quickly now that it has started. For us, it is not strange. Many elves recognize the one they wish to marry upon their first meeting. It is as if our souls reach out for each other until they meet in the marriage bond, when we agree to walk hand in hand until this world has ended. It seems obvious to me that your souls are already reaching out for each other. What damage can be done is already done – if you cannot go forward now, it will break both your hearts whether he travels with you or does not. And if he does, then you will have another experienced companion, and he will not have to wait for your return to know his fate."

Lossrilleth smiled at him a little doubtfully. "It does feel different…" she admitted.

Celebrian had walked over to her husband while he spoke. They stood side by side, smiling warmly first at each other, taking hands, and then smiling at Lossrilleth. Galadriel looked at the young lady fondly. "You think overmuch sometimes," she teased.

Elrond nodded and laughed lightly. "With that I agree, my lady Galadriel! Now, Lossrilleth, Gandalf is in the library with some maps of your route waiting for you. Go and join him and plan this journey of yours."

Lossrilleth curtsied to her elders and made her way out of the garden, feeling a little encouraged. By the time she arrived in the library, she found Gandalf standing over a tall table, looking at a large map. The room was full of the quietness of evening; the many candles with which it was lit let off a welcoming glow. Lossrilleth took her place standing beside the wizard and looked at the map he studied.

Without even glancing up at her, Gandalf began showing her the route he thought they should take. He compared the scrolls telling stories of others' journeys to seek audience with Eru with the features of the map, showing the elf the important landmarks on the map.

"We may encounter some strange creatures along the way," Gandalf noted. "The most detailed account about a journey to the southern tip of Aman includes some odd tales. I cannot tell if they are embellishments or fables, or if they are true. I do wish you had done more training in the arts of self-defense before we set out." A thought occurred to Gandalf suddenly. "You were a town dweller in your life, and have been so here as well – will this be your first journey in the wild?" He asked with some concern.

"Actually, no." Lossrilleth replied, "but this will be the longest. I was in a group called the girl scouts as a child and a teenager. We learned some of these things – making and cooking over fires, sleeping outside, tying nots. But the longest journey I ever took was only 10 days, and that was by river."

Gandalf looked at her with comical confusion. "They used young girls as scouts in your old world? I thought you never lived through a war. What were they scouting out?"

Lossrilleth, who had been feeling serious all day, laughed aloud. "I'm afraid the word "scout" may not translate properly," she said. "There were boy scouts as well, you know – but no one was serving in any army or conflict. It was a kind of social club that was meant to teach children survival skills and encourage them to enjoy nature." The image in her mind of girls in their green uniforms with sashes, badges, and cookie order forms doing reconnaissance like seasoned marines was bizarre enough to be funny.

"Well, that doesn't make any sense to me," Gandalf huffed. "Perhaps we shouldn't leave so soon – you should train more before we are out in the forests alone, facing unknown beasts and arcane magic."

"Actually," Lossrilleth replied, "I spoke to Legolas today – about everything – and he asked if he could join us on our quest. I thought it might not be wise, and in truth I still feel much doubt and confusion about it all, but Galadriel and Elrond insist that it would be alright. If I were human… but they say the way elves love each other more time together will not cause any more harm. What do you think, Gandalf? Should he come with us?"

"Excellent, of course!" Gandalf nearly crowed. "Good, good. Another set of seasoned hands is exactly what we need, and Legolas does have a vested interest in this now just as you do. I welcome him as a traveling companion again and no, do not look like that, it will do neither of you harm."

Lossrilleth tried to smile in return, but she could not completely shake her doubt. When in her life had jumping into an intense relationship ever been the healthy answer, or had a good outcome? She wanted to believe everyone's guidance, but it flew in the face of all she had ever known. And while the others all seemed to think that the outcome of her quest was almost certain to be in favor of her forming a love bond, she was not sure at all what would happen.

Gandalf studied the young lady who was frowning slightly and seemed inwardly conflicted and stuck. After a moment, he caught her attention and gestured for her to join him at the library table. He took Elrond's chess set down from a shelf and began setting it up between them.

"I have always found Lord Elrond's love of the human game of chess idiosyncratic, but I cannot complain. It is a pastime I enjoy as well."

Lossrilleth watched Gandalf, perplexed.

"You and I have played many times over the years, and we know it is one of the examples of things you knew before you arrived and that is the same here."

Lossrilleth nodded, taking her place in the seat facing Gandalf. He held out his hands, a queen concealed in each. Lossrilleth pointed to his left hand, and he revealed the black queen, beautifully wrought out of ebony wood. The two players set their boards, and Gandalf, playing the white pieces (carved out of a smooth beechwood), took the first move. As pawns, rooks, knights, castles, queens, and kings began moving around the board, Gandalf watched Lossrilleth carefully consider her options.

"You are smart, you know." He commented. "But you have never been able to win against me or Elrond, not even once! Why do you think that is?"

"Perhaps because you have each had several thousands of years of practice, and I have not," Lossrilleth answered dryly.

"I think the reason is simple," Gandalf said, moving a knight into the center of the board. "Look – we are only ten moves in, and you have been playing defense for almost all of them. Do you believe you can win?"

Lossrilleth looked at Gandalf's face, trying to understand his point. "I don't know, I suppose I could. But I've always lost to you both, I don't think it's very likely at this point." She countered the knight, feeling self-aware now of the defensive nature of the move.

"My dear lady," Gandalf said, "You will never win as long as you hold no hope in your heart, and no faith in your own abilities or that good things can happen to you."

Lossrilleth looked into the face of the mystical being she knew Gandalf to be, and saw only a good friend and mentor, beaming with goodwill and faith on her behalf. The pain of her past welled up in her, and tears pooled in her eyes. Before this, life had felt so hard. The world had felt chaotic and indifferent to little people like herself, tossed about in the tides of politics or the forces of nature.

"Legolas should join us, my lady. I know it in my heart. I have hope for you both. I think the object of your quest is admirable, but in truth I think your fate in this matter is already decided. And I believe that we will reach the mists of Eru, and you shall emerge from them with peace, confidence about your place here, and joyful news for you and he."

Overwhelmed, Lossrilleth covered her face with her hands and wept. When her tears were spent, she turned her face again to the Istar. "Very well, I will try to keep hope in my heart. I will write to Legolas and tell him he may join us."

Gandalf beamed.

Author's Note:

For those who are following this story (especially in real time) and have left comments – wow thank you! I fully intend to keep writing and finish this, although I can't always write as fast as I'd like to.

Apologies for all the little errors – I keep finding them as I'm going back to reference other chapters for consistency. I do what I can to review carefully. I find self-editing to be a challenge!