Authors Notes

Hi….. How is everybody? Thank you all so much for the reviews and comments we have recieved on this story so far. If you like it and you have time, please consider leaving us a review on ffn, or kudos or a comment on ao3. Thank you so much!

This chapter does need a content warning.

This whole story is mainly written from a mixture of Hermione and Pansy's perspectives, and a bit later there will also be chapters written from Blaise and Harry's points of view. (I may have already mentioned it, but this is planned to be a very long story!)

I'm not going to give too much away here, there will be more specific notes at the start of the following chapters, but this is the first of the chapters written from Pansy's point of view, and let's just say that at the moment, she is feeling very unbalanced and torn between her Death Eater role and her feelings for Ron.

Pansy also has a particular way of carrying out her spy duties, and some rather unhealthy coping strategies. Nothing specific is described in this chapter but you will get an idea of what she does as you read through it. All I will say now, is that consent is very clear all through this story. In no way is there any dub-con or non-con involved anywhere in Pansy's experiences.

Lastly, this is a story where one of it's main themes is healing from past hurts and forging new, healthy relationships. Neither Hermione nor Pansy are starting from a particularly good place so if you are sensitive to any triggers, please do read with caution.

See you all next Monday! XXxx

Beyond the Sea

Chapter 4. Daydreams (Pansy)

Pansy stood resolutely back in Voldemort's inner circle after her week off, with her eyes demurely downcast in the customary way.

Voldemort stood in his usual place, with Draco to his right, Bellatrix Lestrange, and Antonin Dolohov to his left. Blaise and Theo were also stationed prominently within the ranks. Most of the elite Death Eaters were also present today, including Thorfinn Rowle, both Lestrange brothers, Waldon Mcnair, both Carrow siblings, Corben Yaxley, Victor Crabbe, Hephaestus Mulciber, Thoronus Nott, Andrew, and his son Gregory Goyle, and Augustus Rookwood. It was clearly an important meeting.

Voldemort himself was calm today. There had been almost no drama at all the previous week, which was something of a record by usual Death Eater standards. "Where is Zabini?" he asked, and Pansy forced herself not to physically draw back as he swept the circle with his red-tinged eyes.

"Here, my Lord." Even under his mask, Blaise's gaze never left the floor. Pansy bit the inside of her cheek, focusing mentally on the list of gardening jobs left for that afternoon, lest she give away an obvious sign of her unease.

"Step forward." Pansy's heart jumped as Blaise stepped obediently into the middle of the circle. "Welcome back. I trust you are fully healed now?

"Yes. I am. Thank you, my Lord."

Voldemort just stared at Blaise in return. "You have done well, Zabini, fighting off multiple attackers, rescuing the mudblood. It's a shame that you lost her again." There was a pointed pause in which Blaise lowered his head further, and Pansy gritted her teeth. Weeding the runner beans, watering the strawberries…

"Although it does seem that losing her was not entirely your fault. You have nothing to worry about, Zabini. I am still pleased with your efforts. As a result of your ambush, we have also lost three more disloyal traitors. I prefer to have a smaller number of loyal followers than a larger number of questionable ones. A point we have discussed at length, Amycus, have we not?"

Pansy's eyes flickered to Draco despite her best efforts to hide her surprise. Draco, Antonin, and Bellatrix were the only Death Eaters allowed to stand beside Voldemort unmasked, but it barely made any difference. Draco's face never gave anything away unless he intended it to. He had long ago mastered the art of composure.

Amycus Carrow was not so subtle, however. He visibly shuddered in the circle, and Voldemort laughed, high pitched and cold as always. "You seem distressed, Amycus. Do you remember our little meeting the other evening?"

"Yes, my Lord. I, I apologize again, my Lord."

"Apology accepted. You have learned not to question me or to make further suggestions. It seems the lesson was impactful. Now, Zabini, as a reward for your timely actions, you may lead the next reconnaissance raid. We have an idea of where the mudblood may have been taken. If we are correct and she is there, you will have your delayed victory. You may also have a turn with her yourself before Greyback finally gets what he has desired and been denied, albeit by his own actions, for so long."

The gardening wasn't enough to block that image out. Pansy felt repulsed, actually, physically sick, at the thought of what Voldemort would happily let happen to Hermione. Ron's face hovered at the edge of her mind, so she switched her attention away from the thirsty strawberry plants to focus on him instead.

She pictured the way his blue eyes crinkled when he smiled and the smattering of honey brown freckles across his cheeks….

Pansy knew she was falling for Ron. He was one of the few men other than Draco, Blaise, and Theo who looked at her as if she was worth something as a person, rather than just someone they could call on for a bit of fun, or as the superbitch that she always portrayed herself to be.

"Thank you, my Lord." Using Ron as a distraction had worked a little too well. Blaise's voice cut through her daydream like a knife. How he always managed to keep it so steady in front of the lunatic that was Voldemort she would never know. "Choose wisely now, Zabini," Voldemort continued, "who would you like to accompany you on tonight's mission?"

Blaise lifted his head to look around the circle politely. "Bellatrix, Antonin, Amycus, Theodore, and Pansy, please, my Lord."

Pansy's breath hitched. Dammit. She hated these missions with a fiery, all-consuming passion. She knew that this particular one was safe, it was nothing more than a decoy, meticulously planned by Blaise and Theo, so there was no possibility of any danger being involved. That thought should have been reassuring, but Pansy knew that because it was a controlled mission, she would have more of a role to play if she so chose. A shiver ran through her as she considered the other Death Eaters that Blaise had selected, then she sighed with relief. Antonin wasn't a problem at all. He was nothing if not respectful. Pansy closed her eyes under her mask and let out a long, silent breath. Blaise had better have a good reason for planning this, or so help him.

"Very well," Voldemort was still speaking, and Pansy realized with another thrill, this one of horror, that she had zoned out yet again. "You will be given the exact address when you all respond to your summons tonight. As always, I expect only your very best results."

"Yes, my Lord, of course. Thank you, my Lord." Blaise stepped back into his place in the circle, and Pansy released the panicked breath that she had been holding once more.

Patrolling Diagon Alley was also one of Pansy's least favorite jobs. It seemed it just wasn't her day today. Doing the shift with Draco beside her took the edge off of it slightly, however. When the meeting finished and Voldemort dismissed them from Malfoy Manor, the pair of them apparated directly to the alleyway outside the Leaky Cauldron. "Are you alright?" Draco asked, inclining his head under that hateful mask.

She nodded, smiling determinedly despite her inner turmoil. "Yes. 'Course I am. I'm with you, aren't I?"

Draco chuckled. "I thought it unwise to pair you with Blaise for patrols after he picked you for the raid later. Is he forgiven, or will he be facing mortal peril when we get home?"

"Definitely mortal peril." Draco laughed again, turning to look at her in the bright sunshine. Pansy smiled as she felt a cooling charm pass over her. Draco knew how much she hated the long black robes, especially on such a hot sunny day. He knew that she would much rather be at home working in the garden with dirt under her nails, leaves in her hair, and a ridiculously skimpy outfit on as she basked in the intense summer sun.

"What daydream was it today then?" Draco pointed his wand menacingly at a pair of witches who had the nerve to glare in their direction. Pansy smiled as they scurried away, clearly terrified. Maybe there was a little truth in the notion of them both liking the power they held over others.

"Weeding the runner beans, but it didn't work when Blaise was in the circle," she admitted. "Nothing ever works when one of you is standing in front of him."

Draco laughed. "Just for the record, we're all fine in front of him. None of us worry about that quite as much as you do. Seriously though, Pans, you've got the entire wizarding world to fantasize about and a houseful of hunky men at home. Only you would choose to daydream about runner beans."

"Oh sod off Draco!" she muttered without malice, flicking her wand in the direction of a pigeon and conjuring some corn for it to eat.

"Quit doing that as well!" Draco shook his head. "Death Eaters do not feed pigeons. We cultivate an air of menace wherever we go. We might kill one if it looks at us the wrong way, but we don't feed them!"

"Don't you dare!" Pansy laughed softly. "I'm not much good with menace these days. I feed things and nurture them instead, you know that. I only kill people when I absolutely have to, and I'd never kill an animal. You know that as well."

"You'd rather kill a person than an animal then?" Draco questioned as she wondered how on earth they'd gotten into this rather surreal conversation.

"Honestly, with the life experiences I've had so far, yes."

"At least that explains why we have a garden full of geriatric chickens that don't lay a single egg between them all at home, I suppose," Draco mused softly.

Pansy couldn't help but laugh. She was a strict vegetarian and had been most of their lives. She knew that her nurturing nature was totally at odds with her feisty temper and lethal dueling skills. Her softer side always proved to be a surprise to the few people who got to know her well. "The younger ones lay," she protested half heartedly, "you had eggs for breakfast this morning!"

"I thought you were fantasizing about one particular member of our household these days anyway," Draco said as they continued to walk past the mostly boarded up shops of Diagon Alley.

Pansy blinked, attempted to hide her blush, then remembered that she was wearing her mask so it didn't matter anyway. "Meaning?" Her voice held a warning note which Draco delighted in ignoring. As usual.

"A particular red-headed man springs to mind."

"Does he?" Pansy couldn't help but smile at the mention of Ron. "I will just remind you that his best friend seems to figure quite highly in your imagination too."

"I have no idea what you mean."

"Really." It was a statement, not a question. Pansy turned with Draco into Knockturn Alley and the pair of them continued their patrol, looking for any signs of lawbreaking or rebellion.

"I don't know why you don't just tell him how you feel, Pans. He's never going to do anything about it otherwise. Although, it's obvious that he fancies you too. What's stopping you?"

Pansy was silent for a moment. She knew exactly what was stopping her from pursuing Ron, she just didn't know if she was ready to admit it out loud yet. Draco turned to her, rather pointlessly since they couldn't see each other's faces. "Because he's special," she admitted quietly.

"That's one word for it!"

"Draco. Stop it." The note of finality in her voice got his attention. "Don't tease. He's about the only man who doesn't just want to get me into bed. Don't look at me like that, I'm not stupid, I know what people think of me, and it's a deserved reputation. You know full well what I do. Ron looks at me like I'm worth more than that though. He looks at me like I'm actually a person, not just a girl wearing a low cut top and a short skirt."

"Is that how you think we all see you?" Draco asked, sounded highly offended.

Pansy swallowed hard, choosing her next words carefully. "Not you three, of course not. But if one of you has a bad day, you come to me, like you did last night, Draco. And that's fine because I do the same with you. I have my pick of three gorgeous, extremely powerful men. I very rarely sleep alone as you know, and I love you, all three of you, very much indeed. I'm completely comfortable with what we do. With Ron though, I feel a connection on a different level. It's about a lot more than sex, it's about how he sees me as a person."

"We see you as a person too, you know." Draco sounded rather disconcerted by her honest revelations.

"I know. But, I don't want a relationship with you. Or Blaise. Or Theo. I want one with Ron though." She looked down, shocked that she had admitted that out loud and scuffed a toe across the ground outside the White Wyvern to distract herself. "I don't know how to do conventional relationships and I'm scared, Draco. I'm scared that I'll mess up, then he'll see me for what I really am."

"Why on earth would that be a problem?" She was grateful for the note of incredulity in Draco's voice. The pair of them had been best friends since they were babies and his total acceptance of her somewhat quirky nature was comforting.

"Because people don't like me." Pansy could feel herself growing tearful and she hated it. Draco was one of the very few people she could ever let her guard down with. Why had he picked today to poke at her insecurities? She had just returned from a week off, and Blaise had just chosen her for a mission.

Draco sighed, cutting through her increasingly agitated train of thought. "No one who truly gets to know you could possibly dislike you, Pans. You just keep everyone except us three at arm's length so nobody ever gets the chance to see the real you. Why don't you try letting Ron in?"

Pansy scowled, suddenly feeling irrationally furious. "There's a reason I don't let people in!" she said in a ferocious whisper. "It's called self-preservation. The whole world hates me because I wanted to hand Harry to the Dark Lord back at Hogwarts. They also hate me because now I'm a marked, known Death Eater. Most people hated me before all of that anyway because I was a complete bitch in school, but my current actions only confirm their long held beliefs."

Draco was silent for a moment. "Not everyone hates you, Pans. Ron certainly doesn't hate you. I think this says more about your own insecurities than what he truly thinks. Those of us who look beyond the mask can see the real you. We see the crazy girl that feeds every hungry pigeon she comes across. We know better. We know about those ridiculously unproductive chickens at home. We see the way you heal people. The way you healed Hermione the other week. We see the way you care. You look after us all, maybe you should let Ron in. You need someone decent to take care of you. I never imagined I'd say this about Ron Weasley of all people, but he's a good man. You could do a lot worse. And I'm sorry if we take advantage of you sexually at times. Would you prefer us to stop?"

"No!" Pansy shook her head wildly, the thought of any of them withdrawing their comfort made her feel panicky. Maybe it wasn't conventional support that they gave each other, but it was the only kind of support she'd ever found that worked to get her through the bad days. "Definitely do not do that. You three never take advantage of me. Because despite what I've just said, I need you three too. I just want something different with Ron, which is why I can't tell him how I feel. Not just yet anyway. Also," she stopped speaking and turned away with a sniff.

Draco paused, "also what?"

"There's no way he'll want me when he finds out what I do at work," she admitted.

"And I've told you before, you can stop doing that this second if you're not comfortable with it. In fact, I'd prefer it if you did stop."

She huffed as her spikey temper picked back up. "Blaise just picked me out for tonight's raid, Draco. Are you telling me you don't know what he's got planned? Anyway, it's our best source of information."

"We'll find another source if it bothers you. I've told you that from the start." Even under her mask, Pansy could feel Draco's gaze boring into her as he stopped walking and turned to face her. "Or, we'll just do without the intel."

"Don't you fucking dare Draco," she hissed violently, "We have a plan and it's working. When this is all over I'll never do it again. But that's the real reason I can't tell Ron how I feel. I'm not getting him involved in any of that."

Draco nodded once more, then sighed heavily. "I actually think Ron should be allowed to decide what he gets involved with himself to be honest. The moment you want what you do at work to stop, it stops. Alright? If you don't want to do it tonight, you just say the word. Now, come on, I reckon we're done here. Let's go home."

Pansy looked at her watch in confusion. "It's not five yet."

"Never mind. Come on. Home." Draco took her hand then apparated them both home to Transmarina Cottage with a jolt. They both took their masks off and stood looking awkwardly at each other in the kitchen until Pansy let Draco tug her into his arms and hold her gently until she had composed herself. When she was ready she pulled back to look him in the eye. "Thank you."

"What for?" His grey eyes were sad as he wiped the tears from her cheeks with the pad of his thumb. Somehow the soft gesture made her feel weepy all over again.

"Just for being you," was all she said as she slipped her Death Eater robes off, left them in a heap on the floor then walked slowly to the shower.

Once inside Pansy sighed, letting the hot water run over her sun bronzed skin. No amount of scrubbing or scented products would remove the taint of Voldemort from her person. She had long since accepted that, but she could at least make herself look presentable. She maintained a specific persona at work, but at home, she was free to be whoever she wanted to be, and showering was her transition between the two worlds.

Feeling much better, she dried herself off then dressed in her own clothes, despite needing to go out again on the raid later. A few hours in an outfit of her own choosing always helped her to feel better. She took a deep breath then nodded at herself in the mirror, finally feeling relatively back to normal. "Zabini!" she screeched once she was done, completely forgetting that Hermione was somewhere in the house with him.

"Yes?" He looked in alarm as she skidded into the lounge, making Hermione jump in alarm. "Something wrong, Pans?"

"Yes!" She met his calm gaze with her own level glare. "Why Blaise? Why in the name of Merlin's extensive drawer of underpants did you pick me for this evening's raid?"

He smiled smugly as if he'd been waiting for her explosion, "because I know you love them so much."

Blaise's smile broadened as Pansy was seized with an overwhelming desire to scream. "Ooooooh I'm going to punch you so hard-"

"Bring it on, darling." He smirked infuriatingly as Hermione's eyes widened further. As always when Pansy's volatile temper flared she rose to the bait, and Blaise could provoke her like no one else on the planet. "Seriously, Pans," he blocked her attempts effortlessly with his arm and she rebounded onto her bottom on the floor. "What the hell was that? I thought Theo taught you not to punch like a girl!"

"I am a girl. And you're an arse!" She huffed, jumping back up to try again.

"Yep." Blaise agreed with a nod, not even bothering to block her again. "I am. I openly admit that. I chose you to come tonight because you haven't been very active in raids lately. I don't want you getting demoted. We'll give you a boost on this one. Something you can do that will please him and that keeps your position safe. Also, I like to have someone I trust on my side."

"Do not try to worm your way out of this with flattery." She gave up trying to hit Blaise and sat down beside him with a heavy sigh instead. "Watch him Hermione, this one is the master of manipulation. Do you or do you not have any other plans for me this evening Blaise?" She broke off, not wanting to give too much away since Hermione was still watching their interaction with badly concealed interest over the top of the book she was pretending to read.

"Is it safe to come in?" Ron asked from the doorway, his hands dirty and his cheeks pink from the sun. Pansy gave Blaise a warning look and hoping that he had caught on, turned away to survey Ron instead. "What's wrong, Pansy? You seem to be doing a rather poor job of beating Blaise up. Has he upset you?" Ron was smiling at her in that way, his wide mouth pulling up at the corners and his blue eyes alight with amusement.

"Yes," Pansy said simply. She straightened herself up, forced her occlumency walls up in her mind then turned to give Blaise one more heated glare. "The bastard picked me to go on tonight's raid. You know how much I hate those."

The look Ron threw Blaise was clearly in lieu of his own punch. "Oh why, mate? Couldn't you have picked someone else?"

Blaise sighed. "I chose Pansy for a reason, Ron. She hasn't been on any raids for a while and it will start to look suspicious if she misses them all," Blaise answered. "This is a safe one anyway. It's a fake trail, planted to keep the actual Death Eaters off the scent of what's really happened to Hermione. There's no danger involved at all tonight. We'll protect her, myself and Theo are going too."

"I don't need your protection, Blaise!" Pansy spun around suddenly spitting fury again. Ron blinked in surprise at her abrupt change of mood while Blaise merely rolled his eyes. "Maybe I just don't want to do this shitty job anymore!" She groaned, grimacing as she stared at the ceiling, closed her eyes and sighed, forcing herself to get a better grip on her moods. "Oh don't mind me. I've had a week off. I'm just moaning about going back." She dropped her voice to a whisper, "I know what's going to happen tonight because it's a quiet raid, Blaise. Just let me get my head around things again. Alright?"

She took a deep breath as Blaise smiled sadly at her. "None of us want to do this job either, darling. And you won't do anything you're not totally comfortable with tonight. Got it?"

"I know," she agreed, feeling herself genuinely calming this time as her mind finally accepted that she was back at work after her holiday, and that she could play her part in what was likely to happen that evening. She smiled as she stood up, then peered at Ron's pink complexion in concern. "Did you put suncream on today?"

Ron grimaced, feeling his cheeks with his fingers. "I, uh, I might have forgotten about that."

"So I see." Pansy stood up then stroked a gentle hand over his cheek while she whispered a skin healing spell. "Don't forget tomorrow. You're just as fair as Draco. Both of you need to be more careful."

"Thank you." Ron touched his fingers to her hand as she continued to caress his cheek and both of them froze as they stared into each other's eyes. Blaise chuckled while Hermione looked startled and Pansy self consciously dropped her fingers then stepped out of the room with a blush.

She paused in the hallway, closed her eyes and tipped her forehead into the wall. It was going to be okay. She could do what she needed to do tonight just like usual, it was really no big deal.

"No hard feelings then?" she heard Blaise ask Hermione and she paused to listen curiously.

"What do you mean?"

"Those two." There was a beat of silence, then. "They're both crazy about each other but neither of them will admit it or make the first move."

"No hard feelings at all," Pansy heard Hermione confirm. "It didn't work out between us for many reasons. Ron and I were over long ago. I just want to see him happy."

"Same, for Pans, obviously," Blaise replied. "They make a cute couple."

Pansy nodded, lost in thought, then huffed as she flounced away. A cute couple they might be, but that didn't mean that she was ready to do anything about her rapidly growing attraction to Ronald Weasley.