Author's Notes
Soooo…. Here we are, this is the chapter that's scared me the most in this whole story. There is a SERIOUS content warning on it for self harm, a full meltdown or breakdown, whichever you prefer to call it, on Pansy's part, and a lot of very open discussion of her information gathering techniques. However, there is also a very understanding Ron, a Draco who won't take any of her excuses or nonsense, and I promise, a happy outcome.
If you have issues or triggers relating to any of the above subjects, please, either skip this chapter or read it with caution. The only other thing I will say on this is that I know what she is doing is wrong, Pansy know's what she is doing is wrong, and it all sorts itself out in the end. This is also the last tricky chapter for a bit, the next few are much lighter!
Okay. So, now that I've scared the pants off of everybody, here is the next chapter of Beyond The Sea!
Thank you, thank you, thank you, to champagneandliterature for being my much appreciated writing partner, and thank you to lilithmorningstar69 for your pep talks and support on this story!
Thank you times a million to everyone who has commented or given kudos on this story, as you might be able to tell, I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone slightly by writing this, hence the multiple warnings, so your support and encouragement means a lot.
See you all next week when we'll be back with a much less nerve wracking chapter! Love Claire, (Phoenix.) XXxx
Beyond the Sea
Chapter 7 - Aftermaths.
Pansy slept late the next day. She wasn't due in work until the late afternoon patrols, and that was only a quiet shift around Hogsmeade, so she made the most of her morning off by sleeping late to recover from her eventful night. That was what she told herself anyway. In reality, she was awake, lying in Theo's bed, procrastinating and worrying about facing Ron, Harry, Hermione, and Ginny.
She had brazened things out as best she could last night in the lounge. She hadn't expected anyone to be waiting up for her, and it had surprised her even more that it had been Ron and Hermione who had chosen to do so. The concern on Ron's face had brought home to her precisely what she had just done, though, and she had faltered, being unable to do more than brush his worry away in a rather careless and crass manner.
She genuinely didn't know how to justify this side of her life to them. She was used to being totally open with Draco, Blaise, and Theo, they had all grown up together and were used to her somewhat unique way of doing things. She had no secrets from any of them, and none of them was in any position to judge her. Their own morals were decidedly murky, residing more often than not in the dark arts, and therefore propriety wasn't an issue with any of them.
Harry, Ginny, Hermione, and particularly Ron were a complete contrast. They all had a very different outlook on life and still resided very firmly on the side of the light. Ron and Harry were true gentlemen, it struck Pansy as ironic that she thought this now, after their shared historic dislike of one another at school, but they had both changed a lot since their Hogwarts days. Whatever anyone said about the Weasley family, Arthur and Molly had brought all of their children, including Harry, up to treat women well, and Pansy could tell that her particular information gathering techniques didn't sit well with any of them.
Seeing Ron in the lounge last night had been a real shock. She had apparated home flushed with her success, not to mention Antonin's skilled ministrations, and had been looking forward to a glass of wine followed by an evening in her own bed.
Those feelings of satisfaction had abruptly fizzled away into panic at the sight of Ron's concern. The two sides of her personality had abruptly collided, and she hadn't had a clue how to deal with it, so instead of sleeping alone as she had planned, she had bolted straight to Theo. Ducking into his bed for comfort had been automatic, however even that had been complicated by Ron and Hermione, who had inexplicably chosen that moment to go up to their own respective beds.
Pansy's eyes had widened as she'd caught sight of Ron tenderly helping Hermione up the stairs, and the pang of jealousy and self depreciation the sight had caused had been enough for her to hurl herself straight into Theo's surprised embrace.
Ron was a good man. Pansy was well aware that he deserved to be with someone who was equally good. Someone like Hermione. Definitely not somebody like herself.
To take her mind off of Ron, Pansy had turned her attention to Theo, and as usual it hadn't taken much effort to seduce him into sleeping with her. Now she regretted that. She knew that falling into men was her coping strategy, it didn't solve anything, but it distracted her from the worst of her thoughts. There was a moment's connection that happened as well, just before a man reached orgasm. There was a moment when whoever he was, he looked at her with desire, and Pansy found that if she held on to that look, she could almost believe that he wanted her for more than that one particular moment in time.
Pansy knew she didn't want sex solely for the obvious, physical reasons. She craved it for more than that. She wanted it for that one moment of peace and closeness it provided, that one moment of being cherished by another human being.
She knew it was the same reason that Draco blotted his feelings out with alcohol when the world got too much for him to handle, and Theo turned to potions or drugs. Of the four of them, Blaise had the healthiest coping strategies, but she reasoned, he had probably had the best childhood of all of them, and she had never been able to lose herself in painting or playing the piano in the same way that he could.
The trouble was, all of their vices offered only temporary relief from their problems. Once the buzz of a man's attention had worn off, Pansy was left with the uncomfortable feelings of rejection all over again. And, even though these days she was always the one in control of her rendezvous and was using the men she chose for her own gains, she still felt disappointed when they simply turned away from her to carry on with their own lives. That was the point when, like an addict, she started chasing her next high and looking for her next conquest.
Pansy huffed into the pillow as she forced herself to confront the last deeply uncomfortable truth. She actually enjoyed the power trip that the job gave her. Antonin Dolohov was a well respected, incredibly handsome, and powerful wizard. The fact that she could have him begging on his knees if she so chose made her feel good about herself in a way that not much else did. Thorfinn Rowle was wrapped around her little finger, as were Rabastan Lestrange and Corben Yaxley. She'd even had a stab at leading Rodolphus Lestrange on, and his initial responses were looking promising. She was sure she could have him, and maybe even Bellatrix as well in time. It was common knowledge that their marriage was open, and the more devient side of her brain viewed the pair of them as the ultimate prize.
But that side of her personality was totally at odds with the other side of her, the side that craved normality and a conventional relationship. That side of her wanted Ron Weasley, and that was a problem she hadn't seen coming.
She sighed with self-induced frustration as she stretched out in Theo's obscenely large bed. He had left early for work, and now it was almost eleven, and she had yet to make it downstairs.
She sighed again as she mentally pulled herself together. It was another beautiful day, and she didn't want to waste any more of it inside. Cautiously she dressed, then stared at herself in the mirror. Even her outfit made her feel uneasy this morning. It was only casual shorts and a vest top, but it showed quite a lot of skin, and she wondered if it was too revealing. Would wearing clothes like this in front of the others advertise what she did? "Get a grip, Pans," she muttered savagely. "They know what you are now. It's blisteringly hot out, so what good would walking around dressed like a nun do anyway?" She glared forcefully at her reflection then spun around, steeling herself and slipping carefully out into the hall.
Luck, it seemed, was still not on her side. Cursing her fate, she smiled at Hermione, who was once again on the stairs, slowly making her way down. Saying nothing even remotely inflammatory, Pansy asked how she was feeling then helped her the rest of the way into the kitchen where Harry was sitting at the table shelling peas with Ginny. She stared at them both for a moment, said nothing, then ducked away and fled into the garden.
Happily, the vegetable plot seemed deserted, and she threw herself into the soothing work of weeding, watering, and harvesting. Someone had let the chickens out already, and she smiled as they pecked at the soil she was turning over with her trowel. She fished out a worm, throwing it to the nearest elderly chicken with a smile as she remembered Draco's comments about her beloved retired hens. She was lost in thought, hunting through the soil for more worms, when Ron finally appeared on the other side of the runner bean tripods.
Pansy sat up abruptly, pushed her hair back and streaked a smear of soil inadvertently across her cheek. Ron just stood and stared at her for a moment, saying nothing. His face was calm, although Pansy knew he was probably feeling contempt, at the very least, over her recent actions. "Are you okay?" he asked, making her falter further.
She should have forced her Occlumency walls up faster. She should have reacted quicker. A harsh comment or a vulgar brush-off would have made him leave her alone. Heaven knows if it had been anyone else approaching her when she felt like this, she would have bitten their head off, but as it was Ron, she didn't. She just stared passively back.
In reality, occlumency was unnecessary here. Ron was no Legilimens, and even if he was, he was far too much of a gentleman to invade her mind without permission. Abrupt brush-offs wouldn't have been right either. He was just too kind to be horrible to. So instead of saying anything sensible, she just continued to stare at him in confusion. "Pansy?" he asked uncertainly, stepping forwards again. "What's wrong?"
To Pansy's horror, she felt tears spring to her eyes. She stared at Ron, wondering how to make him understand something that she didn't fully understand herself. "I," she began, then closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and let it out in a whoosh, "I have absolutely no idea what to say to you right now," she admitted, settling for honestly over anything else and stabbing the hoe viciously into the ground as she cursed her own emotional illiteracy.
"Uh, okay," Ron admitted, "I'm not sure what to say either, really."
Pansy laughed as she swiped crossly at her eyes. "Well, we make a great pair then!"
"I guess we do." Ron smiled softly. "I spoke to Blaise this morning,"
She looked up sharply. "Did you?"
Ron nodded. His face was flushed pink, and Pansy looked briefly at the clear sky, then back at him. "Did you remember to put sunscreen on?"
"Yeah," he nodded, settling down in the bare earth beside her to help with the weeding. "I remembered what you said yesterday. Blaise explained what you do at work and why. I know I went through it yesterday with Draco, but I don't think I took it all in. I was too upset on your behalf."
Pansy nodded, sitting back on her haunches to look at him. "I'm not a bad person, Ron," she said, feeling the need to tell him that, although she wasn't sure why.
"I never thought you were," he agreed, looking up at her sharply.
She nodded in relief as she watched him curiously. "I know you think what I do is wrong, but I just-"
"I never said it was wrong either." Ron halted her in her tracks with his words. "It's not particularly conventional, maybe, but I've been on a few raids now Pansy, I know what goes on. I'm not daft. I know this is war, and I know that some of the tactics you all use are questionable." He stabbed his trowel into the ground and pulled out another worm, holding it out to the closest chicken who gradually crept nearer. "Last night, I was furious. You seemed so upset about going on the raid. I presumed you didn't want to do the…. the…. thing. What I don't understand is why you were so mad with Blaise for taking you on the raid if you're happy doing that side of it? I don't understand."
Pansy smiled sadly as the chicken finally plucked up the courage to take the worm from Ron's fingers then dashed away. She loved the way he wouldn't give what she did a name. His difference from the others was endearing. "I do hate the raids," she admitted, "because, as you know, sometimes they turn violent. I hate hurting people. I hate the patrols, too, for the same reason, and most of all, I hate that snake-faced wanker that we all work for who demands that we hurt people on his behalf. I hate a lot of the other Death Eaters, too, because some of them get off on the violence of it all, but not all of them are like that. Some of them aren't like that at all, and I like trying to find out who the good guys are. I've always liked a man's attention. I see it as a personal challenge to get them to like me in return. I can flirt, Ron. I know how to attract a man if I want to. I like the power I have over them because of that. So I don't hate that side of it at all. Once I got out last night, and I was partnered up with Antonin, I remembered how much I like him, and it was second nature to just slip back into that role again."
Ron was watching her with outright confusion written all over his face. "And you didn't find it weird to have Theo there watching you?"
She shrugged. How could she tell him that was part of the excitement? "Not at all. I quite like having him there. I mostly trust the men I go with, not all of them mind, so it's reassuring to have someone with me. Draco doesn't like doing it, but Blaise and Theo don't mind."
Ron still looked confused as he nodded. "Who have you done it with that don't you trust? And who have you found out is a bad guy through doing this?"
Pansy raised an eyebrow at his question, feeling her occlumency guard unconsciously click into place. Did she attempt to sugar coat things, or did she just tell him the whole truth and watch him run away? She gave a self depreciating snort as her resolve hardened. Behind the safety of her guard, with her feelings blocked, she reasoned that it was best to see him off now before things got any more complicated between them. "Of the ones I've been with, Yaxley, Avery, and Mulciber. They're all proper Death Eaters, committed to the cause and more than happy to kill for it-" She broke off at the horror in Ron's eyes. Job done. She wouldn't have to worry about him anymore.
"Pansy, they're all, like, I don't know, fifty years old!"
His words sliced through her fragile resolve. She swallowed hard. "Yaxley isn't. He's a lot younger. And I wouldn't have chosen them if it wasn't for a reason," she said icily. "We found out what we wanted to know, so it was a good call. We also obliviated them. Therefore they have no memory of ever being with me."
"But you remember being with them?"
"I do, yes. Very clearly, as it happens."
The look of shock on Ron's face told her all she needed to know. She wasn't sure what made her say anymore. She really wasn't. Draco was right with his theory about her sabotaging herself. "I need to get Antonin once more. We need more time in his mind. Rowle, too, because I have a hunch that they're working together. Then I want to go for the big guns. I want to get Rodolphus and Bellatrix. Together. Although we'll need two people for the Legilimency on that occasion, if you fancy getting a crash course in mind magic from Draco, you can see what I do in person."
Ron froze. She gave him a vicious half-smile, knowing that she'd very definitely crossed the line now. She was finally safe from his charms and therefore from the way he made her feel. Ron's look of alarm was enough to tell her that he would back off now. Nothing would make him want her after that last little confession, and now she might just be able to get him out of her head.
But why, why, did seeing the look on his face hurt so much?
"Not particularly," Ron said after a moment. "I don't know what you're trying to achieve here, Pansy. You could just tell me you're not interested in me, and I'd understand. I'm rather confused by your mixed messages. I like you, but I don't play games, so I'm going to take what you just said as a clear sign to back off. I'm sorry I pressured you into talking to me about it, or whatever you think I did, that wasn't my intention." He stood up, scuffing the ruffled soil back into place with his boot. "Come and find me when you've worked out what you want." And with that, he walked away, shaking his head and leaving her heart to shatter into a million pieces.
"You want to tell me what that was meant to achieve?" Draco asked, popping his head around the bean canes a few seconds later.
"FUCK off, Malfoy!" she shouted, louder than she'd intended to and using her wand to blast a shower of soil at him.
"Nope," he said as he levitated a glass of lemonade over to her. She glared at him furiously and the chickens, sensing her anger, scattered in fright. "I've seen some things in my life, Pans, but you running this scared of someone, that's new."
Pansy stared at the glass hovering in mid-air in front of her, then finally took it, downing half of it in one go. "How much did you hear?" she asked, knowing it was pointless to try to justify herself to Draco.
"Enough to see what you're doing. Self preservation is very different from self sabotage, darling. Go and find him."
"No."
"Why?"
He fixed her with his cool grey stare, and she knew there was no easy way out. Draco had always been able to see straight through her excuses. "Because if I do that, Draco, I'll have to admit my feelings for him, and then I'll have to change every single thing about myself to make him like me in return. I haven't got the time or energy to do that!"
Draco just watched her sadly. "You really believe that, don't you? You really believe that he couldn't want you for who you actually are."
Pansy shook her head as tears once more threatened to spill down her cheeks. "Of course, he wouldn't want the real me, Draco. The real me is a disaster."
Draco shook his head, looking defeated. "Pansy, he already fell in love with the real you. He knows who you are, and he recognized what you just said to him for what it was. That was bullshit. The real you is not a disaster, Pansy. The real you is quite an incredible thing, and one day, hopefully, you'll realize that. Now, where did he go?"
"That way," she said, pointing. "No! Don't you fucking dare go after him!"
"Pansy, get a grip or go inside. I'll talk to you later." She couldn't stop the tears this time. Three times she'd held them back, and each time they had built up, this time as Draco walked away, it was like an unstoppable flood. She kicked at the soil and cursed quietly to herself. What had she done? Why had she chased Ron off like that? And where on earth did she go from here?
Sitting with your panic, Pansy found, was a complicated thing to do. She wanted to run away, but she was too emotional to move. Instead, she sat, frozen in time, staring into the earth until she crumpled, falling forwards onto her front and giving in to the uncontrollable tears that had been threatening to fall for so long. There was nothing she could do to take the soul deep pain away, so she didn't even try. It consumed her. She picked up a sharp stone and stabbed it viciously into the skull that was branded so boldly onto her arm. She scratched its sharp edge over and over her Dark Mark, breaking the skin and watching passively as rivulets of blood ran down her arm and dripped onto the soil below. The pain didn't even register. She was too upset to feel anything except the overwhelming burden of the life she had somehow ended up with.
Suddenly the stone fell from her hand, and she flipped onto her side and curled up into a ball. She just lay on the ground with huge, uncontrollable sobs wracking her body until she became aware of strong arms lifting her up and pulling her injured arm away from her body. "Bloody hell, Pansy! Draco, come help!"
The fact that it was Ron who was holding her only increased her distress. "For fuck's sake, Pans," Draco said on a harsh sigh, and she was dimly aware of him magically summoning her first aid supplies from inside the house. "Hold still."
She wrapped her good arm around Ron and buried her head in his chest as Draco tipped something over her arm. Suddenly the pain that she hadn't been able to feel broke through her hazy mind, and she cried out sharply in distress. "Shhhh, Pansy," Ron's voice soothed, and she felt his large hand gently stroke her hair.
She felt Ron take a shaky breath as Draco rubbed some cream over her mutilated arm. "Come on, Weasley, after all we've seen and done, please don't tell me you're going to pass out over a little blood?"
"Apparently, I might. I don't like seeing Pansy's," he admitted, and Pansy felt his head turn as he looked away. "I'm the same with Hermione's, too, just so you know."
"I told you, didn't I?" Draco said, wrapping a bandage around Pansy's arm and lessening the pain she felt considerably, "I told you she was hitting out because she's scared. She doesn't let anybody in, Ron. I've never seen her like this, and it's because you've gotten to her. I mean that in a good way. Both of you, if you like each other, now's the time to admit it. Here, you can both look now. It's all covered up."
Ron sighed. "thanks. And I already did admit my feelings, didn't I?"
Hey," Pansy felt Draco squeeze her gently on the shoulder. "Come on, love, open your eyes. Look at me, you need some potions." Pansy forced herself to look up and was glad that Draco's tall frame was blocking out the blinding sun. "Here." She didn't ask what they were, but she recognized the first vial that Draco tipped into her mouth as a pain potion and the second as a calming draught. "You're all cleaned up. We both know I'm not the best at healing, but you're not bleeding anymore. I'm sure you can fix it once you've relaxed a little."
She nodded, not quite able to speak just yet. She couldn't catch what Draco and Ron were saying either. The buzzing in her ears told her one of them had cast Muffliato, but she felt Ron adjust her in his arms then move to carry her inside. "Stop," she muttered, clearing her throat, "I can walk."
Ron set her down, and she took a shaky breath. "Thank you. I'm sorry," she admitted, staring at her feet as a deep shame washed over her, "I, I don't know what came over me."
"I think I do," Ron said. "It's funny what fear will do. Fear made me do the thing I'm most ashamed of in all my life. Fear made me leave Harry and Hermione all alone in the tent on the first Horcrux hunt. I do understand what fear does, Pansy. Now. Shall we start over again?"
Pansy shook almost uncontrollably as she stood in front of him. She looked up hesitantly into his clear blue eyes, hardly able to believe that he was here beside her, after what she had just done. "What are you saying?"
"I'm simply saying that I understand, I still like you, and I'd like to get to know you better." He stepped towards her, opening his arms out wide. Doubtfully, Pansy stepped forwards, wanting nothing more than to be back in his embrace. He pulled her into his strong chest and it felt like coming home. The feel of his arms around her made her racing heart calm, and she suddenly felt that she could breathe again. "There," Ron whispered, "that's better. How do you feel now?"
"Better," she admitted, looking up as he brought his lips to within a hair's breadth of hers. "Kiss me?" she whispered, still unable to believe what was happening.
"Only if you're sure, and not because you feel bad for pushing me away," he answered, tipping her face up towards him.
"I'm sure, Ron. I know it's not the ideal time, but I can't think of a thing I want more right now," Pansy said as she gazed up into his comforting eyes. A second later, his lips were on hers, and she pressed up to meet him. It was a soft, delicate kiss, and as they both deepened it and pushed closer together, a curious thing happened. Had either of them had their eyes open, they would have seen the golden glow that briefly encompassed them as Ron's hand slipped around to gently cup the back of her head.
As it was, only Draco witnessed what happened. He looked up from the medical supplies he was packing away and gave a smile, half of surprise and half of satisfaction. The elemental magic of the new prophecy was coming into play.
4315
