Chapter XI

Despair

The school nurse finishes the tending, wiping her sweaty forehead with an arm and a worried glance. Closing the curtains halfway to block the bed in which Zara rests, she turns around with furrowed brows.

"How is she?"

Ed stands in front with fists closed softly as he gazes afflicted to the girl sleeping. Behind him, Judai and the other two also wait in anxiety for the answer regarding her conditions.

"She is very exhausted, I've never seen a case like this. Her body is so worn out her hair lost its color, as if her whole energy was drained all at once. I don't know what happened, but you better not let her do it again if you value her life."

"Is it that bad? Will she be fine?" his tone is calm, but they all can sense his worry imbuing the words.

"I will observe her, she should recover from this weakened state with time, but for the time being it's imperative she gets plenty of rest." she closes the curtains fully, startling them. "Now, can you explain to me what happened again?"

"I don't know..." his fists clench in reaction to the lie he spits "When I found her, she was like this, in the forest."

"That is right, sensei!" Judai affirms with a confident tone, exchanging glances with the others too.

"When we arrived, she was already like this." Shou complies.

"We don't know what happened, but we brought her here immediately, saurus."

She raises a brow, tension swells in the air, she can tell they are trying to hide something, but it is pointless to press on the matter since they are all in agreement to not tell.

"I understand. In this case, make sure she won't walk alone in the forest during the night and take better care of your fiancée next time. Now, you should all go and let her rest, the visit time is over. Except you mister Phoenix, you stay." She looks directly at Ed.

The three boys exchange a glance before leaving the two alone. The nurse approaches the bed, she carefully raises the sleeve of the patient, showing some bandages over it, she unbandages it and displays the scars.

"Now that we are alone, can you tell me what is this? Those scars are certainly older, but as a healthcare professional, I cannot ignore such signs of clear abuse."

"They are the reason Zara is under my custody and came along to this island, she came from an abusive household." He lies blatantly in a serious, convincing tone.

"Abusive…?" She is startled, putting a hand to her chest in a compassionate way "Who would do this to a girl this young…?"

"Her case is still under investigation, we don't fully know the details yet, but for now she is staying under my care. Is that all you had to ask?"

"Ah, yes. I am sorry, but I had to know. If you knew she had such problems, you should have taken better care of her." she crosses her arms, in a kind, but scolding tone.

"I… know..." he lowers his head in dismay.

"You can go now."

His expression darkens with the words, his clenched fists open and he turns around, walking slowly, sending his last words into the air before he leaves and closes the door behind him.

"I will."

His eyes open slightly when he catches a glimpse of the other three boys waiting for him outside with concerned glances. Why are they even involved in this?

"Is your fiancée fine?" Shou asks with a saddened tone.

"Did something happen, saurus?"

His brows twitch subtly with the questions, he is in no mood to answer anyone else, not now. Seeing those scars reminded him of the reason he even brought her with him, because of his sense of justice, but where did it lead to? In the end she was abandoned by him all the same, and here she is, lying on a bed because he couldn't protect her.

"I am no fiancé of hers."

Shocked with those words, they look at each other in puzzlement. Judai's cheerfulness is fogged by concern, he rushes after the grey-haired, ignoring Shou's call to stop.

"Ed!" he calls out in a shout "Why did you say that?! She is your fiancée, isn't she? Why are you saying those things now? You brought her all the way here because you care, right?" his eyes are wide open in puzzlement.

"I'm sorry for involving you and the others into this, Judai, but this is my problem…" his head tilts to the side softly, but it's not enough to show his face "Fiancé… huh? Currently I have no right to call myself that. Not even as a joke." he continues walking, not bothering to spare a glance at the friend.

"Ed… You..."

He can only feel compassion. For someone as proud as Ed to be feeling this down, he can only feel bad for him. The other two finally catch up to him, the mood in the air is depressing.

"Saiou..." Judai blurts in fury, his fists clenching strongly.

At the yacht,

Ed supports his elbows on the guardrails, staring into the distance with a contemplative semblance. Underneath his collected expression, his blood boils ferociously. After all that happened, he is getting more and more anxious with the situation. His father's killer, the ultimate D card, Saiou's schemes with the society of light foundation, everything pisses him off.

His fists and teeth start clenching unwittingly, but that sensation stops spreading when a flash crosses his mind, he remembers Zara smiling, as if she is there, just beside him, bending over the guardrails to look into the sea. That memory consternates his heart, his brows twist upwards, it soothes his anger.

He wanted to protect her. When was the last time he harbored such tender feelings for someone? His father? His best friend? He was confused for some time, but after what happened last night, his heart simply shut, completely blank, in a state of suspension. He doesn't know what to do with those feelings, he didn't plan for them to be there to begin with either. Still…

The way she had such affectionate eyes while looking at him, and at the same time, such sorrow while speaking her heart out loud. She wanted to protect him from harm? To see him smile? She was happy he'd try to bring her back? Is she even aware that she basically confessed to him right there? Has she ever thought of the implication of what she does or says? Probably not, but even if she doesn't, he knows it in his heart and he can't just forget, dismiss or ignore that.

In hindsight, It was exactly because he couldn't handle his emotions that everything went downhill. He should know better to not let himself get swayed too easily by those. With afflicted eyes, he ponders about those memories.

A few days later,

He has visited Zara without fault every single day, but there is no sign of much improvement. Her expression is softer and calmer, at least it has a more tranquil air about it. He stares at her on the bed, breathing slowly.

From his pocket, he takes out the ring he received from her, his eyes tremble with an anguished glint. He does not deserve that, clenching his fists, he considers leaving it in her hands, but the thought of leaving it behind pains him. She insisted that he carries it all the time.

"I will hold into it until you wake up, but once you do, I will give it back to you. I don't deserve this… It would have been better on you..."

Casting a last saddened glance at her, he sets off to the academy. Surprisingly, an old opponent arises with a challenge. At least the duels can take his mind off from all those worries and painful feelings.

"Hell Kaiser Ryo." he smirks cockily. "I heard you had a hard time after you lost to me. I see you look very different now. Was that loss really this heavy on you?"

The Kaiser stares at him with anger, squinting his eyes, Ed activates the duel disk, accepting that glare as a challenge, or rather, making sure he will have something to keep his mind busy.

"Are you here for revenge? I will take you on!"

Before the battle starts, Shou interrupts, standing in between Phoenix and his brother, begging him to let him duel instead, and urging the brother to not duel for revenge. Seeing the determination on Shou's eyes, he smiles faintly:

"Do you not see it, Shou? Your brother's eyes do not display any sense of revenge, he is looking at something beyond."

"Huh…? Onii-san?"

"It is fine for me if you want to duel your brother." he cordially puts a hand to his chest, stepping aside.

Everyone watching is astounded when Kaiser himself imposes a condition to his duel, that they must do it the way it is done in the underground. Ed's brows flinch at the word. Is he serious?

Using the impact amplification devices, they duel. It is painful to watch, a dishonorable and harmful experience, yet he seems to hold no remorse for hurting his younger brother, ruthless and sadistic. It is so different from the opponent he crushed and humiliated, stronger, but merciless.

When the duel ends, they can confidently say they no longer recognize the duelist he was once anymore. His mindset completely changed.

That night, Ed has nightmares about his father again, what happened when he was a kid, he rolls on the bed with an anguished expression, sweating all over the bedsheets as he revives the pain of that day.

Meanwhile, under Zara's eyelids she also envisions a bad dream. She sees a man with a devilish smirk, he summons a duel monster whose wings are like those of a bat, inside those wings, faces try to come out, the face of a man with glasses and in front of him, Ed staring in disbelief.

Then it changes to the whole place being burned by flames, the man is consumed by those flames and they spread in bursts towards Ed. She is instinctively woken up in a hurry, sitting on the bed, panting heavily with the intensity of the dream.

Her tired eyes cannot recognize the surroundings, they are unfamiliar, she curls herself under the blankets, her head feels heavy and confused. Unaware she has a fever, she slithers down, her bare feet jolting with the cold ground. She looks at the nurse that sleeps in a sitting position, watching over her bed.

If she sneaks around, perhaps she can reach the exit across the room. However, at her first wobbly step, she plops to the ground, unable to walk due to the fever, the sound wakes up the nurse that comes to her aid. Her vision blurs, all she can see is a faint shadow of a face with a wide open mouth, as if calling to her. Everything blackens as her lips move on their own.

"Ed..."

The next day, when he comes over to visit, the nurse has a worried glance, guiding him to the bed to show a feverish Zara.

"Huh? She looks worse than before."

He nervously walks closer, a drop of sweat trickling down, he supports his hand on the bed, analyzing her face with worry. His gaze is directed at the nurse with expectancy, she smiles softly to reassure him.

"Well, she woke up last night having a fever. She even got up from bed, perhaps she was astounded to wake up in such a place." exchanging the cloth over Zara's forehead, she continues with a bland, but fond smile "She fainted right after and I took her to the bed again. It is good that she woke up, but her body is still weak so she must rest. But considering she opened her eyes for the first time in days, it means she is slowly recovering."

"I see…"

"It seemed as if she was having a nightmare last night, she was mumbling some things and calling your name the whole time."

He flinches at the last part. Calling his name? Even after all she said… His eyes flicker in distress for a moment, but stabilize as he gazes into her face with a ponderative and distant look.

"She must really like you, aren't you lucky?"

She makes an attempt of cheering him up, but the answer is bleak and discouraging, making her worry even more:

"Yeah."

With an aloof expression, averting his troubled gaze to the side, he turns around and declares his leave with a calm, unbothered tone:

"I will come by tomorrow."

After the door clicks when closing, she looks with a concerned tone, then switches her gaze to the girl, a smile playing on her lips, she adjusts the blankets with tenderness while caring for the girl.

"Boys are such fools. Don't you agree? He makes such a cold expression, but can't take his eyes off of you. I am sure he is waiting eagerly for your return, so hurry up and get better soon."

The door creaks open, the nurse is distracted from her duties, it's Judai, he comes to visit Shou and also takes a peek at Zara.

"Hello, Judai! Shou is doing fine, but she has a fever. I will need to bring more medicine for her. Can you watch them for a minute?"

"Sure!"

He grins, showing his confident teeth, she smiles and leaves the room. His gaze lands on his friend first, he has a smoother expression than before, but he still mumbles about his brother while asleep.

He hears a grumble from behind and opens the curtains separating the beds, it`s Zara. Turning around on the same bench he was sitting, he greets her with a grin.

"Hey, you're awake!" He tries to not be too loud.

Her eyes open and close at intervals, her cheeks are a bit reddened and there is leftover sweat on her face, her head plops to the side, following his voice.

"Master Judai…?"

"M-master?" A drop of sweat rolls down his face "I hope you're not calling me that in front of Ed too… Man, he'd be pissed. Just Judai is fine!" He laughs it off "How are you feeling?"

"I…" she slowly sits on the bed, but her body wobbles, he hurriedly puts a hand near her back and helps her stay still.

"Be careful, sensei went to pick up some medicines for you."

She seems dazed and her eyes stare at the bed sheets, he feels her gloominess. With a bit of effort, he might just be able to lighten up the mood.

"Ed was so worried about you, he came here every day to check, did you know? He carried you all the way here! Haha, he even slapped Kenzan away for that, a sight to see, really."

"Ed…?" He gets a reaction, she casts a glance at him, but her eyes still look distant, her hands clutch the blankets slightly "That is right… I remember… I made Ed cry…"

"Haha, that is true, I've never seen him crying in front of anyone, but he totally got a soft spot for you. Isn't that great?"

"Soft spot?" There is a hint of curiosity in her gaze.

"Yeah, he was crying because he was very worried about you, you know?"

"I made him sad…This is all I do… He was angry too…"

He blinks in disconcert at her sentences, but a look into her face tells him she is not joking and it's truly perplexing, he opens a smile with a worried undertone:

"Why would he be angry at you? If anything, he was really angry at the people who hurt you. Moreover, isn't it normal to be sad when your friends or people you like get hurt by others? I don't think anyone would be happy seeing people they like suffering."

"Suffering?"

She whispers internally, her eyes open a bit more seeing Judai's bright smile. That is true, this whole time she was trying to protect and help him because she didn't want to see his suffering, yet, she was unable to.

"But I… Am useless…"

His laughing stops with her declaration, he looks at her, her eyes gaze down in a deep sorrow. The gloominess crawls back to her.

The winged Kuriboh appears and comes closer to her with saddened eyes, trying to comfort her, but this time, she doesn't look at it. Rather, it's as if she can't see or notice its presence around.

"Hey… You could see spirits of cards, right? Can you see anything right now?"

She raises her eyes and takes a peek around, they stop at Judai and she shakes her head off. They hear Shou's pained groan from behind, her eyes glimmer and she stretches her hands to try soothing his pain, but nothing comes out of it.

A dreadful realization crosses her heart: her powers are now gone, just as she wished. But why doesn't she feel happy? Why is that it made a bigger hole in her chest? Warping everything around her and making it turn into nothing.

"I lost my powers… I thought I could help Ed… But… I should've known about it… I am useless… With or without them… Now I can't do anything… I can't even be Ed's fake fiancée anymore… Or see what the future holds..."

"Fake? What does she mean…?"

He is astonished after the first teardrop falls, the tense mood doesn't go along well with his personality, she covers her face. A faint, warm smile comes to his lips.

"Is that what you think? I think there was something very good going on in between you. I don't think any of it was fake."

"Something good?"

"Yes, you two get along well. Or at least, I think you're very similar, you see, Ed said the same thing about not being a good fiancé." His eyes drift to the ceiling as he reminisces with a grin "I don't understand anything about liking someone in this way, but I don't believe Ed would ever think you're useless or think that about anyone really."

"Y-you think so, master Judai?"

He is startled when her tears stop falling and she slowly comes closer to the edge of the bed, sitting on her own legs and listening attentively.

"Ah man, I did it now… I'm not good at this…" a forced and abashed smile plays on his lips and he scratches his head nervously.

"W-Well, it sucks you lost your powers… I also lost my ability to see spirits once, after I was defeated by Ed, I was pondering for a long time, what I dueled for. That was eye opening, in the end I got my answer and I found some amazing new friends! Even without your powers, aren't there things you would still want to do? Or people you cherish a lot and want to be with them?"

"I…"she puts a hand to her chest, her eyes flickering in bemusement "I do… But how can I…? I am not worthy of… I can't change his destiny, someone like me will just… Hinder his way… I am unable to help saving this world..."

"I don't think there is a worthiness measurement for feelings, and destiny is not set in stone, it's something you craft yourself!" He closes his fists with a confident smile "Having powers or not having them, does it really matter? There are still plenty of things only you can do, right? I don't believe powers ever mattered… If you like him, you should just do your best and be with him, no? I'm sure he would appreciate it. Though, I admit he is a tough nut to crack."

"Things I can do? What… What can I do?"

She almost gasps, clasping her hands together as if she became his disciple in the path of enlightenment, he recoils a bit with the sheer pressure of her innocent gaze yearning for more wisdom.

"Well, this is something you need to figure out yourself… What you can do and what you can't, but regardless, your destiny is in your own hands, no one can take that from you."

She meditates profoundly on the words he proffered. This whole time she wanted to help, she was desperately hanging onto her powers and using it as an excuse to be by his side, but once she perceived her incompetence, she found herself worthless and ran away from it.

She didn't want to face the truth or think about it. On the possibility that she would be not necessary in that world, that she would have no purpose and everything she has lived so far would become but a fleeting dream, she was scared of that dark future sneaking ahead. That she wouldn't be able to see Ed again and that she would return to her world. That thought broke her heart in pieces, those shards got smaller and smaller until there was nothing left of it in her.

Trusting someone she shouldn't, being deceived. She believed this was the right path to continue in this world, and she would be fine if this allowed her to be there and saved everyone. However, it brought nothing besides suffering for both of them.

What if it was the same for him? What if he also wanted to help, but couldn't? What if he was angry at himself for not being able to? Wouldn't that put them both in an infinite cycle of never noticing each other's feelings?

"Master Judai… What else happened? Can you tell me more about Ed and you all…" she bends softly, again putting an unnecessary expectancy on him. "I want to hear more…"

"Gotcha!" He gestures with a smirk, relieved to see her mood improved.

He tells about all that happened on that day and more stories, until the nurse eventually comes and checks on her condition, scolding her to lay on the bed and rest. When the lights of the infirmary are off, she stares at the ceiling, her face half covered by the blankets. With a quick scan on the surroundings, she confirms the nurse is somewhere else and the other patients are sleeping.

"I don't know the answer yet, but what I feel now… Even if I don't deserve it… even if what I did was wrong… I want to see Ed…"

Not being able to sleep due to the mountain of thoughts wildly driving through her head, she slides down the blankets, with a hand to her chest, towards the unknown world outside that room.

Later that day,

Ed wheezes after finishing the duel, checking the deck of his opponent, he finds nothing but mere low level cards. This is not the first time, he angrily drops the cards to the ground and challenges another.

Another and another challenge, he battles them all and wins all, yet there is no sense of victory. He can't find it, all of them are not the person he is seeking. He pants heavily with a deep frown.

The roots of impatience grow stronger inside him, he desperately wins duel after duel, but no good results come from it. How much longer? When will he be able to find that card?

The prospect it might not be here drives him crazy, he can't stand still. Because of this impatience he failed to see the change in his friend, and failed to keep Zara safe, all of it, he hates it so much.

Because of him, because he can't change this destiny of endless search for his only goal, he keeps tumbling and tumbling, not seeing the tracks, never finding a clue. The scenes from his father's dead corpse are still fresh in his mind, how much he hated that man for taking his father away.

Those images get mingled with what happened nights ago, when he found Zara on her deathbed inside that white dorm. Saiou and his little society of light, ruling over the school, manipulating people, using them, he also loathed that. He has so many questions to ask, he needs an explanation.

With a restless heart, he can't hold back, his feet thread violently towards the dorm, he opens the entrance gates with a strong push, his teeth clenching and a grumble coming out of his mouth.

"Saiou! Come out! We have to talk! Stop hiding! You know where the last D here is! You know it! You hurt Zara! You used her! Why did you do this? What are you planning?!"

Stirring an uproar he alerts the indoctrinated students who promptly come and grab him again, there are too many of them, his struggle alone is pointless, they just kick him out like last time, even when he drops on his bottom, he crawls his way to the door and bangs into it, the loud sound echoes, but no one comes out, he yells in frustration, letting out all his stress.

Even as he comes back defeated to the boat, his face is consumed by rage, everything his friend has done, such despicable acts. Why? That was not the person he knew, that was not the one he made a promise with, then who is he?!

Punching the table on the deck of the ship, his hand trembles, his knuckles are bright red from the force he applied. His fists close so tightly his nails open a cut in his palm. He opens it, a thin line of blood makes its way to drip on the ground.

He supports the other hand on the table, his shoulders shaking in frustration. That night nightmares plague him once more.

When morning comes, he wakes up in a bad mood, the rays of sunlight annoyingly shining on his face, he blocks it with an arm, but it is not enough. In a sleepy move, he leans sideways on the bed, changing the angle his face is.

There is something iffy about the air in the room, he feels a presence and the brightness of the sun still bothers him. His eyes open lazily, he can see a silhouette across the bed, his eyes finally open wide. It's Zara, her long white hair spreads over the gap between them.

Sitting up in a hurry, flabbergasted, one of his hands covers his eyes, the other supports him on the bed. Perhaps he is still hallucinating. All the lack of a good sleep might be just catching up to him.

Under his fingers, he feels the blowzy texture of her hair, it's strange, this is too real even for an illusion. Startled, he gently caresses one strand, letting it slide from his hands in amusement.

His arm jolts back after a second and she moans in protest. She can't be… Before he knows, she is opening her eyes sluggishly, rubbing it as she sits down. She blinks awake after seeing his bewildered expression and a smile sprouts on her lips.

"Ed."

Hearing her soft voice makes his mind swirl in a hurricane of thoughts. How is she there? He thought she was still sick in the infirmary, no more importantly, why is she there? His mind has a short circuit, he is gaped and speechless.

"Zara…? How…?"

His eyes flutter internally, stunned with her presence, she is really there right now. As if those moments from that night come back all at once to his mind his lips tremble, trying to form words, but he can't.

A drop of sweat rolls down her face after long seconds of silence pass and a tense mood builds up. She lowers her gaze nervously, feeling like she is about to be scolded.

"Ed, I..."

Her sentence is interrupted when he abruptly pulls her close in an embrace, wrapping his arms around her tightly. Her eyes opening wider, she can feel the quivering on his body slowly ceasing as his warmth reaches her.

What is this sensation on her chest? it spurts from inside her, making her cheeks burn, a tenderness that she doesn't understand as she corresponds to that embrace, closing her eyes.

They stay close to each other for a long time. But now that she has come back, has she found the answer for her doubts? What is it that she can do to change his or her destiny? Will she be able to fulfill her promise of making a difference? After witnessing her strong feelings for him, how will he respond to that?

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presea221: Ed is finally noticing his mistakes and moving on from the state of focusing too much on his father's killers and his dependency on destiny. as you can see Zara still had a dream, but she can't see the spirits anymore, perhaps for the better. We will see how things will change compared to the anime plotline from now.