JesterGlytch - Decided to go a bit differently about it :D

Yomunot - :D

Gerak999 - The substance I'm on while writing this is crisis amounts of sleep and too much time spent on a cash register.

Raw666 - Never checked it out, though I know about the Queen of Escalation because of reading Weaver's Option, a crossover fanfic with Wh40k. I'm weird sometimes.

Neven98 - Do not worry! I have you covered there :D

Dsman - Time for MORE fun then :D

PasiveNox - :D

Ashborn Stellaris - Remember to keep breathing!

Arqade2015 - Here comes the two-shot :D

(***)

Against himself - well, to a degree - Midoriya decided to postpone the second meeting for about ten minutes. He needs to drink some water AND make some quick… uhm… consultations.

The 1-B students are confused about it. The 1-A students that were exiting the class quickly realized the implications of the 'Second presentation, please', half of them looking as if they were on the verge of choking on air.

Yeah. Be shocked.

Eventually (after ten minutes of 1-B trying to figure out what the hell was the meeting all about), Midoriya returns to the scene.

"Welcome to the first of the weekly meetings of the UA Villains club." Midoriya announces. Naturally, he gets some shocked gasps from the audience which, honestly, gives him a strong feeling of deja vu.

"What the hell, Midoriya?!" Monoma is the loudest. Then again, Neito Monoma is always the loudest.

With words. The loudest gasp came from Shiozaki, instead.

"Look, I'm really exhausted by the first talk, so I'm going to cut through all the pleasantries with a simple 'you're all villains in disguise, I'm a villain in a much better disguise, your activities are threatening my activities, git gud". Midoriya announces. This manages to silence the protests.

"What the hell, you're a villain?!" Monoma shouts in shock. "Not to mention, how dare you suggest that we, the noble 1-B class, are villains?!"

"I'm All for One's son." Midoriya announces. Silence. Of course. "The Kamino Villain."

Riot. Because of course they freak out. Monoma, naturally, the loudest. And while standing from the crowd.

"What?!" He shouts. "The son of that horrid villain is a part of the 1-A?! Because of course he would be a part of…"

"Monoma, for gods' sake, you're literally his grandson, I'm your uncle, we kept playing together since we were ten years old, now sit the hell down or I'll call my mom." Midoriya announces loudly.

Monoma sits down immediately. Kendou looks vaguely sad at not getting the occasion to karate chop him out of consciousness, as she was trying to sneak up upon him when Midoriya's verbal attack connected.

"What?" It's Pony. With her atrocious English accent. Midoriya is going to deal with it, but not yet. "What's happening, I don't understand?" With that as well.

"We're going to start this meeting by revealing the exact type of villains you all are." Midoriya ignores her for now. "So that we can then regularly meet AND do our best to figure out how to stay hidden from the faculty. Before we start, there are two rules. Rule number one: no matter what gets revealed, we don't kill each other BEFORE we graduate. Afterwards, go wild. Rule number two: I'm taken, so no more girlfriends. Or boyfriends."

That, naturally, provokes a reaction.

"Why the hell was that rule even born?" It's Setsuna Tokage. She looks confused… like, a lot. She isn't the only one.

"Because the same presentation in front of 1-A ended with me apparently obtaining four girlfriends, although two are more of a complicated case, and I already have no idea how to deal with them, despite spending the ten minute break trying to obtain some tips." Midoriya announces.

To rather mixed reactions from the crowd.

(***)

During the 10 Minute Break

SmallMight: Mom I have a problem

BestMom: What happened? Izuku, baby, did someone realize what your plan is about? Do you need evac?!

SmallMight: what? no

SmallMight: I was confessed to

BestMom: *crying emoji*

SmallMight: By… uhm… four girls, and they want to share

BestMom: IZUKU BABY!

BestMom: to be young again *sob*

BestMom: it really brings back memories

SmallMight: … you know what, I'll call you back

This was a bad idea, Midoriya realizes. The implications of her answers are going to make him have to consider getting dad out of Tartarus for the sole purpose of getting him to use his memory-erasing quirk on Izuku. Damn it. Okay, mom's not helpful, who's next?

SmallMight: Uncle Atsuhiro I have a problem

WorldsIsAStage: What happened? Did Nedzu realize who you are? Do you need me to evac you out of the school?

SmallMight: what the hell no

SmallMight: I was confessed to

WorldIsAStage: :D :D :D

SmallMight: By four girls actually

WorldIsAStage: to be young again, ahhh

WorldIsAStage: all the memories flooding back, huh

SmallMight: … nevermind, gtg

WorldIsAStage: WHAT STOP YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME LIKE THAT

Does he even want to ask why he replied in the same vein as mom? Probably not. Screw that, another try.

SmallMight: Uncle Akaguro I have a problem

PurgeTheFakes: good

PurgeTheFakes: suffer

SmallMight: are you still angry about Hosu

SmallMight: I know that discovering that I'm a villain in disguise was shocking but

PurgeTheFakes: get to the point I have a job to do

SmallMight: job?

PurgeTheFakes: Clearing up one of the sweatshops where Best Jeanist has illegal immigrants work as de facto modern slaves to produce his denim at record low prices while overpricing the hell out of his clothes

PurgeTheFakes: so

PurgeTheFakes: what's your problem besides the obvious things

SmallMight: I got confessed to. By four girls actually

PurgeTheFakes: are they villains pretending to be heroes as well

SmallMight: yes?

PurgeTheFakes: consider vasectomy

Midoriya Izuku is honestly unsure of why he even tried to have that talk. This leaves him with… honestly, only two options. The first one is… well, it's going to be a bit awkward, but… well, he DID tell Izuku to contact him when in doubts about something so…

SmallMight: So, uhm

SmallMight: I have a situation

BigMight: … did you break a bone again?
SmallMight: no

BigMight: did you run into a villain on your way to a nearest convenience store

SmallMight: no

BigMight: that's surprising

SmallMight : …

BigMight: So what is it?

SmallMight: I was confessed to

BigMight: boy or girl?

SmallMight: girl

SmallMight: times four

SmallMight: want to share apparently

BigMight: …

BigMight: oh

SmallMight: I need advice.

BigMight: Does 'use protection' count as advice?

SmallMight: yes, but… uhm, gotta go

He isn't getting a shovel talk from his ultimate piece of All Might collect… errrr… unofficial second dad that he is lying to on a daily basis. Enough is enough. So, time for the last potential source of advice.

SmallMight: Auntie Nagant

SmallMight: I have a situation

IFoundAGun: Were you outed? I'm totally ready to break out of the convoy to Tartarus, that place sucks

SmallMight: why does everyone assume it's that

SmallMight: I was confessed to, by four girls apparently

IFoundAGun: Need advice?

SmallMight: god yes

IFoundAGun: 14075141/1/Group-Sex-For-Dummies

IFoundAGun: Auntie has you covered

SmallMight: …

IFoundAGun: What? Need more advice? Sure, I have tonnes of it

SmallMight: I'm more curious as to how did you find that link so quickly

IFoundAGun: I had it saved on my computer

SmallMight: WHY

IFoundAGun: Seven years in Tartarus, mostly in solitary confinement, with just my imagination to accompany me

IFoundAGun: Why do you think I vanished for like five weeks after Inko and Hisashi got me out

IFoundAGun: let's just say that I was super busy

SmallMight: I didn't want to know that, thank you

SmallMight: The link sounds useful, especially if you say it's actually grounded in facts

SmallMight: have more?

SmallMight: might come useful

IFoundAGun: sure

IFoundAGun: I'm a bit busy rn, but send me a list of your 'interests' and I'll write back in 30 minutes or so with all the necessary info

IFoundAGun: Not so good on the whole emotional side thing, you might end up having to ask your mom, she's a romantic to the bone

SmallMight: Right.

(***)

"That's… manly?" Tetsutetsu sounds rather conflicted about it, especially when he gets a murderous glare from Shiozaki.

"It'll be manly if I manage to survive the first night, Kirishima." Midoriya shoots back. Tetsutetsu looks like he forgot how to breathe for a second, then shouts.

"I'm not Kirishima, I'm Tetsutetsu!" He shouts. Midoriya decides to not fight him on that.

"Right." He nods. "So, we're starting the whole 'outing' thing. First, some of the tamer ones. Yosetsu Awase and Kojiro Bondo, your studying here has been financed by the Detnerat Company, and we all know what that means."

The students in question shrink a bit.

"Please elaborate?" Itsuka raises her hand. She is speaking for the rest of the class.

"They are part of a centuries old conspiracy dating back to the times of the first Meta-Liberation Army, hoping to overthrow the government and install a completely new order of society so that they can use their quirks to earn money without needing to have a hero license." Midoriya announces. "So, do something which would be completely normal if not for the worlds' governments trying to make the whole goddamn world pretend that quirks aren't a thing."

Silence in the room. Eventually, Juzo Honnenuki raises his hand.

"Do you, like, have brochures or something?"

Midoriya groans as a smile blooms on Awase's face.

"Do the recruitment thing after the meeting is over." Midoriya announces. "Since Honnenuki spoke, I can as well mention that his family is running an evidence scrubbing business that cleans places of crime so that the police fail to find anything substantial. He is here to get properly trained and have his quirk improved. Because, apparently, being able to liquify the murder weapon sounds pretty useful. If any of you DO end up killing someone outside of school, he's your guy."

"I'm going to give you a discount!" Honnenuki clearly went 'fuck it', and decided that he can as well try to advertize his family business. "Also the fifth cleaning is for free." That elicits some suddenly much more interested glances for his classmates.

"Next case, Itsuka Kendou." Midoriya announces. The class representative doesn't shrink when brought to the center of attention. "Your villainous career started while you were twelve years old, and your uncle, Kendo Rappa, decided to take you with him to some illegal cage fighting club. As a result…"

"Wait, what?!" Shiozaki appears horrified. "What sort of person makes a young child watch something as brutal?!"

"... watch?" Itsuka blinks at her a few times. Shiozaki stares back, on her face a growing horror. Midoriya snaps his fingers, and they are all shown a picture of a much younger Itsuka Kendou with a black eye and some nasty bruises, shouting something to the audience as she is pressing another fighter's head into the floor with her foot.

Only Midoriya, Kendou and one more person recognize the clearly excited and pumped up (and proud) Rapper, cheering on his niece from the side of the cage.

"Itsuka Kendou ended up winning all her fights that night, including the one against Eijirou Kirishima…" Midoriya announces. He ignores the shocked gasps. But then he is interrupted again.

"I TOLD YOU THAT I'M TETSUTETSU!" The steel guy actually rose from his seat this time.

"Right." Once again, Midoriya decides not to fight him on that. "As a result, Itsuka Kendou developed what can only be described as overbearing craving for extreme violence. She came here in hopes of finding strong people to beat up. Coincidentally, Eijirou Kirishima came here with her, hoping to…"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!" Tetsutetsu yells. "I TOLD YOU THAT I'M NOT KIRISHIMA!"

"What's the difference?" Midoriya asks. He looks genuinely confused. "You have the same personality, the same taste in decor, the same hobbies, the same muscular build and as for a face, it's very easy to change so…"

"My quirk turns me into steel, his quirk makes him harder and rock-like." Tetsutetsu decides to approach the quirk nerd with quirk knowledge.

"First of all, your quirk makes you harder as well." Midoriya replies. "Second of all, a counterargument." He cocks some finger guns at Tetsutetsu. "Hematite rock. Google it. Now stop interrupting. To finish your part of the talk, you decided to grow stronger in order to finally defeat Itsuka Kendou and become a champion of underground fight clubs."

"Ha, as if, shrub." Kendou grins menacingly. Tetsutetsu sits down, groans something, pulls out a phone and starts typing something.

"Next person on the list, Kinoko Komori." Midoriya announces. The mushroom girl shrinks slightly under the stares. "Look, I get it. You have a cool quirk. You want to earn money with it, preferably without having to wait until you get the hero license. But stop trying to find someone in the Management Course to help you sell your 'fun shrooms'. Yes, they are all ardent capitalists. No, that doesn't make them villains."

Probably.

"But… my shrooms!" Kinoko looks horrified.

"Ask Kuroiro instead." The shadow boy looks at Midoriya with shock on his face, pointing his finger at his own face. "Yes, you. Unless there are more Kuroiros in the room? Your entire family is composed pretty much entirely of black market, no pun intended, bigshots. Just tell them you found a walking drug lab and they'll raise your allowance. Also…" He looks at Komori. "... he has a crush on you, so it'll be easy for you to negotiate the deal."

Kuroiro less shrinks, and more crumbles in his seat. He is trying to say something, but fails spectacularly. Kinoko Komori has no such problems.

"You have a crush on me?!" Kinoko says towards him, clearly shocked as well. "That's… That's shroomtastic!" Kuroiro freezes, his jaw dropping. "I actually had a crush on you but I didn't know if you liked me, and I wasn't sure if it would even work, me being a shroom dealer and …"

"Oh, gods, it's this again." Midoriya sighs, before leaning to the side and grabbing something from the floor.

"You… you like me?!" Kuroiro blinks a few times. They are sitting close to each other, Kuroiro being one seat to the right and one seat behind her.

They barely have the time to start making out before Midoriya sprays them with cold water.

"Get a room afterwards, for now continue listening." Midoriya announces as the duo looks at him, feeling vaguely betrayed. "Monoma, if you see them doing that again, have no mercy." Then he throws the water gun at Neito.

"...right." Neito sighs. "Make me even more hated by my classmates. Why not." Despite that, he has the water gun at the ready.

"Next person, Ibara Shiozaki." The religious girl shrinks, trying to hide behind Shishido. Midoriya snaps his fingers.

They all end up seeing a picture of Ibara Shiozaki. In a motorcyclist outfit. With a large baseball bat. Next to a motorcycle. And several more motorcyclists in the background, all of them looking kind of mean.

Also she's smoking a cigarette. For some reason. Probably to look cool.

"... what?" Kendou actually manages to speak. The rest are shocked speechless.

"Before someone asks, yes. That's a biker gang." Midoriya announces. "Before someone else asks, yes. It's a Christian extremist biker gang, going around trashing shinto and not just shinto shrines. Look, Shiozaki, if that's what gets you going, it's alright. But please stop flooding the UA social media with crusader memes after every attack of that gang, or someone starts thinking that you are at the very least a supporter of it. Got it?"

"Uhm… yes?" Ibara does her best to not shrink even further under the stares of her classmates.

"Great, so we have that covered. Next person, Setsuna Tokage." He gets a cocky grin from the girl in question. "Inhuman Supremacy Party."

"What the fuck?!" Kaibara yells. He isn't the only one surprised. "She isn't a mutant!"

"Yes, she is." Midoriya replies. "Rare case of a double quirk. A mutant quirk gives her the ability to split and regrow her body like some… honestly, no clue what sort of a creature that is. But she also has a limited, inward telekinesis that allows her to control the resulting body parts."

"Now that it's out that I'm an ISP member, I have a statement to make!" Setsuna shouts, standing up. "I'm alright with having sex with y'all, for as long as you managed to beat me in a fight! Do it ten times in a row, and I'm alright with giving birth to your kids! Now get better, you bunch of weaklings, because fighting with you is goddamn boring." Then she sits down.

"Oh gods, it's Miruko all over again." Midoriya mumbles to himself. Unfortunately, the microphones picks it up.

"Wait, Miruko?!" Awase asks back.

"Wait, 'gods'?" Ibara asks instead. The stare that she gives Midoriya is full of pent up religious extremism.

Goddammit.

"I'm not elaborating." Midoriya deadpans.

"What if it's a team fight?" Awase decides to ask.

"I can take you all." Setsuna replies.

"In a fight, right?" Awase asks. Setsuna doesn't reply. "In a fight, right?

Still silence. Setsuna's smile grows increasingly wry.

"I have a question as well." Kendou asks while raising her hand. Surprisingly enough, she turns her face towards Setsuna. "I beat you up in a spar two weeks ago. Where and when can I redeem my coupon?"

Midoriya almost falls off the chair. He isn't the only one to react that way. Even Setsuna looks shocked.

"W… what?!" She blinks back at Itsuka. "But… I thought you're hetero?"

"Oh, absolutely." Itsuka waves her hand. "But I find the concept of putting 'conquest' back in 'sexual conquest' intriguing enough to be interested." She says, giving Setsuna a rather suggestive wink. And flexing her muscles a bit.

Goddamn combat junkies.

"Well, then the answer is 'wherever and whenever you want, sweetie'. Setsuna replies. Midoriya is so absolutely fucking done with them all. He is trying to make them all NOT go to Tartarus, instead he feels like a goddamn walking Tinder.

Screw that, let's continue.

"Alright, next one is Pony Tsunotori." Pony opens her mouth to protest. "You can speak Japanese perfectly, you're just pretending not to. Stop, please."

"Oh, alright! No problem with that." Pony replies. Without the tiniest hint of a foreign accent.

"What the hell?!" Monoma freaks out. He, after all, kept trying to fool her into using mean words in front of the teachers by telling her that it meant something completely different.

"You've moved to Japan at the insistence of your uncle, senator Steven Armstrong, in order to get a taste of foreign cultures…" Midoriya continues. "... all of that to realize how utterly inferior they are to the glorious American Way. Also, you're racist."

"What?!" Pony looks shocked. "I'm not a racist!"

"Yes, you are." Midoriya shots back.

"I'm NOT a racist!" Pony shouts while standing up. "Because racism is a crime! And crimes are for blacks, latinos, asians, gays, trans…" She starts counting them out on the fingers, for some reason.

Midoriya swears that someone started choking in the room. He decides to intervene before someone ends up actually choking to death. Yes, Honnenuki is an expert in hiding bodies. No, explaining why the hell is 1-B missing a student to the teachers will be a pain.

"STOP." Midoriya shouts back. "Just stop. Let's agree to disagree on that. Also, sit down." She pouts at him for a few seconds before sitting down as ordered.

"Wait, isn't Senator Armstrong actually a former senator AND something of a Number One Villain in the States?" Tsuburaba asks.

"He isn't a villain! Just a misunderstood hero!" Pony shouts. Midoriya is so goddamn done with this. But he is barely past half of the class. "90% of the Americans totally agree with his political platform!"

"Uhm, what's the source of that?" Tsuburaba asks.

"The source is that I made it the fuck up!" Pony yells back while pointing a finger at him threateningly.

"Well, at least she's honest about that." Kuroiro stops staring at Komori's body for a moment, before asking. "Wait, what's your approach to mutants, by the way?"

"Mutants are alright, for as long as they aren't black." Pony replies resolutely.

"Well, fuck me then." Kuroiro replies. Komori looks like she considered that to be an invitation, but Monoma sprayed her with water before she could start doing anything for real.

"What?" Pony blinks at him a few times. "I mean the other type of blacks. You're an Asian. It's bad, but, like, not that bad. Quite okay, actually. Still not white, but pretty close."

"Wow, how wholesome." Midoriya deadpans. "Alright, another per…" His phone starts vibrating. Looks like someone messaged him on the chat. Probably Auntie Nagant. "Give me a minute or two, it might be important."

(***)

IFoundAGun: WHAT THE HELL IZUKU

IFoundAGun: THOSE ARE FETISHES NOT ALL MIGHT COLLECTIBLES

IFoundAGun: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE SO MANY

IFoundAGun: I had to google half of them to figure out what are they about

IFoundAGun: how tf do you get more perverted than I did after spending seven years staring at the wall and imagining it's a person

SmallMight: uhm

SmallMight: unrestricted access to the internet?

IFoundAGun: That's NOT a valid answer what the fuck

IFoundAGun: I promised you a proper advice and I'm going to give it to you but it's going to take me a LONG while of research

SmallMight: oh, uhm, thank you

IFoundAGun: jesus christ, another afo in the family

SmallMight: What

IFoundAGun: look, he is in jail so I'm kind of ready to risk my life

IFoundAGun: he was, apparently, super pervy his whole life except good at hiding that

SmallMight: what no he wasn't he's like the most vanilla of all people for some reason

SmallMight: he probably needed some endurance quirks to even do the deed

IFoundAGun: Izu

IFoundAGun: he had no 'this' type of endurance quirks

IFoundAGun: He had only their reverse versions that made him LESS interested in that

IFoundAGun: And several, active at all times

IFoundAGun: I know only because of girl gossip with your mom tho

SmallMight: oh. my. god.

SmallMight: WHY DO I ONLY INHERITED THE DUMBEST FUCKING THINGS FROM HIM

IFoundAGun: … what

SmallMight: nevermind

SmallMight: keep digging, I hate my life

IFoundAGun: …

IFoundAGun: you better treat those girls to some ice-creams or smth afterwards, they're in for a wild ride ngl

(***)

Midoriya closes his eyes. Curses quietly. Put the phone down. Looks at the group in front of him and immediately finds something to complain about.

"Tokage, where are your hands?" He asks. Setsuna realizes she fucked up but decides to double down on it. And only shrugs. "And, probably, your tongue." She says nothing. Obviously. "Look, I'm going to close my eyes for ten seconds. When I open them, I want all your body parts to be back in their place."

Somehow, they are. Kendou's face is still slightly red. Midoriya decides that he has to rush this talk before the horny conquers them all.

"Alright, so I have a feeling that this will all end in a murder sooner or later, but Sen Kaibara is an active member of the Creature Rejection Clan…" Setsuna turns her head to face the boy in question, who promptly shrinks in his seat. "... which probably explains his earlier reaction to Setsuna being a part of the ISP. Next one: Tsuburaba, how's your uncle doing?"

"Preparing some new big heist with La Brava and drinking an awful lot of tea." Tsuburaba replies. "I don't even need to check, they do that all the time."

"Wait, your uncle is Gentle Criminal?!" Awase stares at Tsuburaba in shock. "Holy shit, that guy's a legend." Tsuburaba replies with a proud nod. He is probably planning to join his uncle once his skills get good enough.

"Next: Reiko Yanagi." He gives the ghost girl a death stare. "Stick to ONLINE religious extremism, alright?" Yanagi nods.

"Wait, religious extremism?!" Shiozaki cuts in. "I demand to know more."

"Organize a theological debate or something afterwards, I don't care." Midoriya really wants to be done with all of that. "Just use the force of argument, not argument of force. Next one: Hiryu Rin. Member of a Triad, sent to Japan to prove himself on a foreign ground."

"Aww, busted." Rin says while scratching his head.

"Next one, Jurota Shishida." Midoriya continues. He still has a few big ones to describe, so he is trying to rush through those less… problematic. "Late-bloomer. Quirkless Liberation Front."

"... oh, wow." It's Awase. "I didn't see that coming." Shishida says nothing. Perhaps for the best.

"Nirengeki Shoda." Midoriya continues. "An active operative of the equalizers." Shoda looks surprisingly not terrified of it.

"Those terrorists that believe that the people with weak quirks are discriminated upon?" Awase asks. "What the hell?!"

"... QLF, but dumb." Shishida comments.

"You want to fight?" Shoda is clearly used to that, and decides to strike back. Or, at least, threaten that.

Jesus Christ his quirk isn't even that bad, it's just some horrible life choices really. Also, this leaves him with only a few students, each of which… Well, it's going to be a shock. Let's start it with a strong (but not the strongest blow).

"Togaru Kamakiri." The lizard-man gives him a confrontational stare. "... House of Red."

The nearest students practically dart away from him. Kuroiro somehow ended up on Komori's lap and Midoriya isn't going to comment on that. Especially as Monoma sprayed them with water just in case.

"That organization of serial killers and maniacal murderers?!" Kaibara freaks out. Yeah, you're one to talk. "Like Muscular and Moonfish?!"

"I just want to slice people." Togaru shrugs. "It's fun." Yeah, he fits in that organization pretty well.

"No slicing fellow students." Midoriya reminds. "Save for Tokage, she can heal from almost everything." Tokage looks pumped up by a chance for some PROPER fighting. "Other than that, good luck. If any of you need someone murdered in an alleyway, that's your man. Next one, Yui Kodai."

"Hmph." She is, as always, a bit of an ice queen.

"Kodai, Kodai, Kodai…" Midoriya sighs. "Look, I know that you are a child of Mr. Compress from a one night stand. I know that you are trying to become a great thief before seeking him out and hoping to reconnect with your father. Who doesn't know that you exist. But trust me here: you don't have to wait. He always wanted to have a daughter, especially one that wants to be a thief like he is. If he finds out that you exist, he's going to immediately adopt you officially as a part of a family and love and cherish you, all while training you to help you become the best villain you can be. Especially as he has a sister that's his co-villain and an ice queen to his drama queen AND he happens to have an official son your age that's somehow influenced by his father's drama queen tendencies. You'll fit right in. Do you want me to organize the meeting?"

"Hmph!" Kodai looks determined and pumped up. Midoriya gives her a thumbs-up gesture before turning to Monoma.

"You want to be a thief, you should really ask Mr. Compress to be your mentor as well. Do you want me to…"

"... that would be alright." Monoma looks like most of his earlier anger just evaporated from him.

"Great. By the way, Tetsushima, how's your reading about the hematite ore going along?" Midoriya looks at Tetsutetsu, who promptly erupts again.

"I'M NOT TETSUSHIMA, I'M KIRISHIMA!" He yells before freezing for a solid two seconds. "I MEANT TETSUTETSU, STOP PLAYING MIND GAMES WITH ME, MIDORIYA!"

"Good luck with that." Monoma says before sighing painfully.

(***)

Three Years Earlier

"Stop that!" Monoma yells. Midoriya looks at him questioningly. "Stop playing mind games with me all the time!"

"Alright, but only if you beat me in a rock paper scissors." Midoriya announces, practically beaming at Neito. Who decides that it might be a good way of finally getting him to stop. It's a game of chance, right?

"Fine." Neito says, hiding his hand behind his back. Midoriya does the same.

"I'm…" Midoriya says, giving Neito a delighted smile. Their eyes meet. "... going to play rock."

"You son of a…"

(***)

"Right, okay, so that just leaves us with one person." Midoriya says, before looking at Manga Fukidashi. The look on his face suddenly grows tired. Weary. Maybe slightly terrified. "No."

Manga nods.

"That section of the meeting is thus over." Midoriya announces to the whole class. "We can move over to a quick announc…"

"Wait, what the hell?!" Kendou shouts while standing up from the seat. "Yanagi's bit was already short as fuck, but what was THAT supposed to be?! If we're all getting outed, at least do it properly!" The class seems to be in agreement on that.

Midoriya looks at Manga. Once again, THAT look is on his face. Manga nods.

"Very well, but you're going to regret it." Midoriya says. "Two centuries ago, during the Dawn of Quirks, a man was born. A man so horrible that he was cut out of history. A serial murderer that turn pain into a form of art, killing hundreds of people throughout Japan, avoiding police and heroes thanks to their mysterious quirk."

His voice is… emotionless. Yet, beneath the whole thing, there is something audible. Something that seems to be horror and disgust.

The class begins to realize that maybe, just maybe, it really wasn't a good idea.

"He couldn't share his quirk with others, starting a line that would last for centuries…" They don't know what he is referring to. Well, most of them. Neito knows about One for All and All for One. "... so instead, he shared his insight and experience with someone. Beginning a long line of horrible, sadistic murderers that lasts to this day. Manga Fukidashi is a student and heir apparent of the twenty-third holder of the mantle of the Symbol of Madness, a man so horrible and terrifying that even the Kamino Villain himself preferred to distance himself from him."

"Oh… my… God…" Shiozaki whimpers. The rest seems to be too terrified to speak. Those closest to Manga look simultaneously frozen with fear and wanting to flee.

"W… who is that?" Monoma is the second one to force words out of his mouth. "Who is the current holder?"

"He has many names." Midoriya replies. "He changes his MO periodically, both to avoid detection and to learn more about causing pain and ending lives by practicing almost every imaginable way of torture and murder that can be thought of by humans. He's the Musutafu Butcher, he is the Sendai Killer, he is the Quarterer of Kyoto, he is the Skintaker of Northern Tokyo. But you?" He takes a deep breath. "You know him as the Number Eight Hero, Wash."

"... holy shit." It's Awase. Shiozaki and Kaibara actually fainted. Probably for the best. The rest look only barely better.

"Apparently his quirk is rather helpful in erasing evidence." Midoriya comments. Manga starts signing something with his fingers. For some reason, his classmates do not know sign language. Midoriya does. "Uhm, so he says that you do not have to fear, for striking close to his nest would arouse suspicion. You will not be targeted, nor will be those close to you. And that… he wants to ask a bit of a strange question. Before it's spoken, he needs to point out that he is in no way interested in sexual violence, for his mentor taught him that it's a boring thing, something that only those inexperienced in the art of pain and degradation use. Something akin to really cheap special effects. Something that no true maestro of sadism would indulge in willingly. With that said, he wants to…"

Midoriya stops speaking. Instead, he stares at Manga in complete shock. Then he blinks a few times, while Manga is repeating the last few signs.

"Uhm." Midoriya blinks again. "It's about Tokage and Kendou. He wants to watch. And maybe take a picture or two. That he isn't going to show anyone."

Silence in the room.

"...what?" Tokage somehow manages to speak as the first one.

(***)

Midoriya isn't even surprised when, after leaving the room twenty minutes later (after describing the whole Shinsou situation and organizing the next meeting of the UA Villains club), he discovers Kirishima and Mina STILL making out.

He just pinned her to the wall, her legs tangled behind his back, the two of them kissing furiously.

Midoriya sighs. Someone from the building's staff decides to approach him and ask what to do with those two.

"Leave them, unless you need this corridor for something before closing time." Midoriya says before sighing. "Then throw them out."

"What about the other two?" The man asks. Midoriya blinks at him, so the man points to something behind Izuku.

Komori pinned Kuroiro to the wall right after leaving the conference room. His legs are tangled behind her back. They are making out extremely fervently.

"I am…" Midoriya says. Calmly. Oh, so very calmly. "... so very tired of this."

(***)

The epilogue to the UA Villains club meeting happens two days later, when Eraserhead suddenly approaches Midoriya after classes. The underground hero looks just as tired as always. Except, after two rather interesting nights, so is Midoriya.

"So, problem child." Eraserhead says. "I heard that you've got yourself a few girlfriends."

"Uhm… yeah?" Midoriya is slightly confused. Why would Aizawa-sensei actually want to talk to him about that? "How do you know?"

"Because you and four girls from my class all look like you haven't slept for a moment for the past two days." Aizawa comments. "Also they walked kind of funny at the beginning. And they are giving you stares that are oddly similar to what you have when you look at All Might."

Oh.

"Well, I…" Midoriya blinks a few times. "That's an odd logic, I mean, you look like you haven't slept for a few days as well… NOT LIKE IT'S A BAD THING, I mean…"

"You aren't the only person in the room with a harem." Eraserhead announces and Midoriya's jaw drops. Because they are the only two people in the room. "Ms. Joke, Ragdoll and Mandalay. Why do you think I'm not sleeping enough? You didn't think that I was looking over the school AND doing night patrols?"

"H… how did that happen?!" Midoriya asks. His desire to live shrunk under the weight of curiosity.

"It all started with a certain meeting. Many, many years ago." Aizawa replies.

(***)

Many, many years ago

"I gathered you all here… to have a serious talk." Aizawa announces. The few people gathered in a room with him look at him with a mixture of curiosity and surprise.

There is Hizashi Yamada, there is Emi Fukukado, the four people that were to become the Wild Wild Pussycats one day, Nemuri Kayama, Shirakumo Oboro and Tensei Iida.

"With some of you, I'm attending the same class." Aizawa says. "With some of you, I just… keep running into on internships." Which is an odd way of saying 'you're pretty much my friends so here we are'. But it's a very Aizawa way of speaking.

"Awww!" Emi looks amused by the way he put it. "Aizawa! Could you…"

"Which is a problem." Aizawa cuts that short. "Because you're all absolutely atrocious at pretending that you aren't villains in disguise." Oboro almost chokes on his tea. "Which endangers my long-term plan of becoming a hero teacher so that I can let even more villains-in-disguise into the heroics, thus taking the whole system down and taking revenge for being bullied in school for 'villainous quirk' by various hero wannabes. So we're going to have a very serious talk about your acting skills."

(***)

Midoriya stares at Aizawa-sensei in total shock. His eyes, wide. His jaw, dropped.

"The conference room wasn't wiretapped." Aizawa says. "But my students were. So we're going to have a VERY serious talk about your newest club, Midoriya. Right now."

Uh-oh.

(***)

Ah, shit. Here we go again. No third installment is planned, because I'm not sure if I can make it funny (I can only hope that this chapter is as funny as the first one was). But we can all imagine how it would go. Honestly, is there any NON-dirty hero left? Aside from Hawks? Because, oh the irony, HPSC actually ISN'T dirty in this fic. If anything, it's trying to stop the wave of false heroes, like Stain does. It's not working.

Also some omakes.

OMAKE1: Quirk Supremacy

Kaminari: *sees Shoji and Satou on the corridor*
Kaminari: *does the MLA salute*
Kaminari: *realizes that Nedzu is in the room*
Kaminari: uhm.
Nedzu: *salutes back*
Nedzu: Be more cautious next time, Kaminari Denki.
Nedzu: *leaves the room*
Kaminari, to Satou and Shoji: tell me that I wasn't the only one who saw that

OMAKE2: If there was ever a third chapter and I needed an ending for it

All Might: So, Eraserhead
Eraserhead: Yeah?
All Might: How's Midoriya Villains Club doing?
Eraserhead: ... what
All Might: You know, the whole villain-in-hiding thing?
Eraserhead: ...
Eraserhead: You know?!
All Might: I wiretapped him too!
All Might: I'm so proud of him, you know. It's like seeing myself scamming the quirk out of Nana, all those years ago.
All Might: He should work on secrecy a bit, tho.
Eraserhead: Uhm.
Eraserhead: And you also know that he is trying to set you up with his mother?
All Might: Did you see how hot his mother is? AND she is still married to my archnemesis, whom I just put in jail, so... I'm all for it.
Eraserhead: Oh. This country is done for.
All Might: Yep.
All Might: Want to go eat a lunch together? We should talk about the Villains Club in detail.
Eraserhead: Sure.

OMAKE3: One for All, if they heard the Omake2 talk.

Yoichi: Oh my god, we were so blind
Baigoro: Understandable, I mean, we weren't exactly conscious before the quirk hit the singularity, so we could have missed it
Nana: Oh my god, I'm so proud of Tosh... I mean, so terrified of what he did! It's horrible.
Yoichi: ...
Baigoro: ...
En: ...
Nana: ... look, you were dying, so I didn't have time to explain to you that I'm actually a villain, and then I had All for One going after me so I figured out that continuing to pretend to be a hero gives me a fighting chance, so I went for it.
Nana: I literally died fighting him, who cares if I robbed banks before getting One for All?! Right?
Yoichi: ... this country is truly done for.

OMAKE4: If the conference hall was wiretapped [by hjc11 in the comments on AO3 :V]

Nedzu: I've discovered something horrible.
Eraserhead: What is it?
Nedzu: Midoriya is All for One's son.
Eraserhead: ... I knew that.
Nedzu: He also has a harem.
Eraserhead : I'm going to go make a paternity test.
Nedzu: What? Whose?
Eraserhead: Midoriya's. I think he might be my son.