Sorry for the late upload. My semister is almost done, and school has been busy.
Lots of reviews this time, so thanks a lot!
Fluffy, NSGCommando, Guest, The Rapture: Thanks for the kind word(s)!
Accelerator Fan: Accelerator just got reinjuried. He hasn't lost his powers fully. Just back to square one again.
mephisato: Regarding the first part, you might be right, in which case my memory is pretty shit. As for Coronzon not having the upper-hand, well as far as I could remember, Aleister was still on the defense for most of the final four NT book. If not, this is a fanfic afterall, some suspension of canon is needed. :)
Xen01: Yes, it's really fast, but I never intended for this to be long. As mentioned before, this was orginally a very long one-shot (10K) before it got to messy. I planned this story to be about 10-12 chapters long after which I will focus on my crossover fic. Still, perhaps I can revisit this again in the future.
Anyways, thank you all for reading! Enjoy!
Disclaimer: The To Aru Series is owned by Kazuma Kamachi.
What are we all sent into the world for, but to be of use to each other?
― Emily Eden
True to his promise, Accelerator never left the city, even after the argument. Instead, the esper lay on the living room couch in the Yomikawa residence, simply waiting for the demon to show up.
However, an entire day had passed, and Coronzon still hadn't shown her presence.
"IF YOU UNDERSTAND MY PROBLEM SO PERFECTLY, WHAT MORE IS THERE FOR ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT?"
He mauled over the words he and the demon shouted at each other. A lot, actually. Both he and the demon understood what the other had gone through, but when confronted with their own hidden shames, they had crumbled in their reasoning; their ego had gotten the better of them.
In the end, what was meant to be a conversation on the esper's understanding of the demon's situation had dissolved into a frenzical shouting match.
The esper cursed himself. He had promised to show Coronzon the errors of the road she had chosen, but when given the chance he so desired, the esper had all but forgotten that vow once the demon talked about his own personal faults.
At the very least, he had his answer to the demon's question: even if he wanted to emulate the hero, it was a goal he could never achieve. The argument between the two had only served to prove that notion further.
"And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not."
Just as the boy continued getting lost in his thoughts, the residence's front door suddenly creaked open, making way for a now familiar blonde-haired woman.
Taking a few steps forward, the demon silently made her way towards the esper.
"May I sit down?"
Accelerator shrugged, giving Coronzon his unspoken consent to take the unoccupied sofa seat next to the boy's feet. Following the argument, the demon promised to continue their conversation at a later date, and it seemed now was the time that was being chosen.
It was desperately needed by both of them, but it was still something that the esper hoped to avoid. He wasn't even sure how to continue it when it would come to pass.
Luckily – or unluckily – for Accelerator, it was Coronzon that made the first move.
"I want to apologize for what happened the day prior."
The esper almost choked on a large gulp of air. That was CERTAINLY not something the esper would ever expect Coronzon to say, but given the strange ways the demon had been acting after their battle, perhaps he should have expected something like this.
"We both made mistakes during that conversation. Our own pride got the better of us. While that can be forgivable for a human such as yourself, given my entire existence and purpose, it was something I truly should not have let happen. As such, I believe the blame falls mostly on me."
Accelerator continued to stare stoneface at the residence's ceiling.
Coronzon's existence and purpose? That was something new, but the esper had already guessed that something was being hidden. Coronzon had only attacked Aleister once she was contracted, but Mina Mathers never told the esper about the demon's identity before being summoned by her late husband."
"I wish to continue where we left off."
Oh. Coronzon was going to rip the band-aid off- right here and now.
The apology might have made the situation more feasible for the esper, but that was cold comfort for the words that were going to come next.
"Do you desire to become him?"
"I also believe it would be best to take turns asking questions. That way, we can avoid such an incident again."
The demon continued. "May I ask the first question?"
There it was; Coronzon was going to ask that question again.
He wanted to quickly halt the conversation with a stoic 'no.' Anything to buy a little more time to avoid that topic again.
But the esper could only slightly nod his head as the demon continued.
"Do you wish to be a hero?"
Accelerator blinked at the demon's new question. Similar, but it was not as confrontational as before. "What? Of course, no…."
The esper stopped his answer by returning to a deep think. Of course not. He shouldn't, not after what he had done.
But the demon hadn't asked if he was a hero, merely if Accelerator wished to be one. Even with every villainess mask he wore throughout his life, that was the one desire he couldn't hide.
"I suppose I do, but I don't think I will make a particularly good one."
"I guessed that you would say something along that line," Coronzon remarked on the esper's statement. "But that leads me to something else…."
The esper waited for the demon to ask again, but before she could speak another word, Coronzon actively silenced herself by putting her finger on her lips.
"Tch," Accelerator muttered quietly to himself. Was Coronzon committing to some sort of mental powerplay?"
It was none of that, and Coronzon eventually did speak again, but not with a question: "However, it is your turn to ask me something, so I will refrain from pushing any further for now."
Accelerator thought for a moment. This type of situation was new for him. It was almost like a chess match, and while many of his previous battles were 'chess-like,' the same couldn't be said for this one.
The esper was fighting without a clear goal. What was 'checkmate' in this situation? To understand Coronzon? To have the demon understand him?
Eventually, Accelerator decided it was best to try what he had done two days prior- to get Coronzon to realize that he had also tried to walk the same road she was going through. Something that only resulted in nothing but disaster. He had been given a second chance, and the esper didn't want to screw up this one as well.
"What was the original meaning of 'ruin' in your pursuit against Aleister?"
"I planned to simply kill the magician as quickly as possible."
Accelerator pressed a bit. "But over time, the plan seemed to have dissolved into torturing Aleister. Yes?"
Coronzon pondered on that statement before sighing. "Yes, there will be no denying that."
The esper sat up, taking the seat a spot away from Coronzon's. He wanted to push a little further, but like the demon, he willed himself to stop. It was her turn now, and he didn't want this conversation to end like the last time.
"What is your definition of a hero?"
Unlike last time, the esper answered the question on short notice. "A hero is someone who is able to make someone else truly smile."
"I see, now, which past experience does that answer derive from?" The demon whispered rhetorically to herself.
It was the esper's turn again. Accelerator thought about what to say next before asking his second question.
"If Aleister asked you to stop, would you have done it?"
Coronzon looked down at her lap. "Yes. It would have been enough to complete the contract. Mathers may not wanted that ending, but he could shout his outrage in the afterlife for all I cared."
"I suppose we both have one final question left?"
"Yes, best make it count."
"Perhaps it may be best to speak of them both before giving any definitive answer."
"Tch. Alright."
"Were you trying to emulate Kamijou Touma?"
The esper followed soon after.
"What does your freedom entail?"
The esper and the demon stared at each other in total silence. Once again, both soon realized that they were thinking exactly the same thoughts.
"Strange…" The esper spoke. "It appears we have returned to the questions we first asked each other.
The demon responded. "Perhaps now, we can truly find the answers and understanding we have been looking for."
Accelerator sighed before deciding to give out his answer first. "You were right, and I also want to apologize for getting pissed off at you the other day. Deep down, I wanted to emulate the hero. I have seen the way others smiled at him whenever he was there to save them, and even though I'm too far into the darkness to ever receive so many smiles, I always hoped that if I did enough good, maybe I could get at least one- just the brat would have been enough."
"But is trying to copy someone the only way? To attempt to do so while wearing the mask of another person is foolhardy. After all, even if you receive that smile from the clone, is it you who received it, or is it Kamijou Touma?"
"The hero is everything that I'm not. Unwavering, strong, successful…."
"And while those are all good traits to have, do they solely belong to Kamijou Touma? In some sense, isn't Aleister Crowley both unwavering and strong? Couldn't you consider that Shiage Hamazura boy to be successful?"
"…"
"When you try to emulate someone, you also expose yourself to their flaws. Will you copy Kamijou Touma's flaws along the way? Will you also only grow when he grows?"
"There is nothing I can do that the hero can't already do and more." The
esper toned.
"In the end, the best I can hope to be is a shadow, always one step too far away from being the real thing."
Accelerator stated those words with an edge of bitterness in his voice. He didn't expect Coronzon to understand. He wouldn't blame her if she didn't. Even if he could help Coronzon understand herself, was there supposed to be anything else to learn from him?
However, it would be Coronzon's next few words that shattered the resigned notions that the esper had for himself…
"In which case, why are you here? Why were you born? In our first fight, you claimed to have defied Aleister, yet apparently, there was nothing for the magician to have defied him. Touma is there with him on his expedition to the UK. If you are his shadow, you have still followed Aleister's orders."
Coronzon's words came out harshly, but it wasn't mockingly either. In spite of the rigid questioning, the esper could see a genuine desire to understand and help.
"I…"
"I know you are not here through the wishes of Aleister Crowley or Kamijou Touma. Your battle against me and your decision to help me instead of casting me down disprove this notion of dependency."
Accelerator was stunned into silence.
"So, tell me Accelerator. One thing that differentiates you from him, one thing that prevents me from calling you Kamijou Touma."
A part of the esper wanted to lash out again. To highlight the demon's faults and divert the attention away from him.
But he couldn't. The answer he would be giving unsettled him, but Accelerator was even more afraid of what might happen if he didn't give one.
"In the end, the best I can hope to be is a shadow."
Both literally and metaphorically, if the esper said nothing, would he cease to exist? He was still inside the residence, but Accelerator swore he could feel himself running out of breath.
He was being crushed.
Something was crushing him, and the esper needed some form of light… an answer to know what it was.
It was hard, but eventually, Accelerator found his answer: "I suppose that I am not as selfish as the hero. I wanted a smile, but whenever the brat was in danger, that goal always came second to trying my best to save her."
"Hmm," The demon mused. "Yes, I suppose so. You, Accelerator, are indeed less selfish than the Kamijou Touma. Your story in Russia… to beg him to save the girl, in direct contrast to your goal of repentance. For Kamijou Touma, that would be something he would never do."
It was a meek answer, with Coronzon providing most of the reasoning, but the esper felt the metaphorical weights lifting. He could finally breathe… somehow even better than before. Something had happened once he gave his answer.
But what?
Accelerator stared incredulously at the demon. Coronzon had promised in their contract to protect him, but surely this entire conversation couldn't count. Why had the demon gone above and beyond her obligations for him?
"What was the point of that? To make me feel better about myself?" The esper asked.
"Oddly enough, if you can believe what I am saying, this is all connected to my own
story."
The demon followed up with an impersonal question. "How much do you know about the Kabbalah?"
Despite being the super genius he was, even Accelerator had to admit that trying to understand the concepts of the metaphorical tree would likely result in a massive migraine. Despite his experience against Isaac and his lessons from Mina, the esper had only a rudimentary understanding of the topic.
"Honestly, it's tiresome how it can hurt my head so much."
"I will explain anything that you question. Afterall you have told your story in its entirety. It is now my turn to do the same." Coronzon promised before continuing her story.
"To start off, there are actually two trees. Sephiroth and Qlipoth."
Well, that much he knew. Mathers had mentioned that to him in her crash course. "Good and evil?"
"A good baseline understanding of the concepts, but also not entirely correct. It would be wrong to interpret the Sephiroth and Qlipoth as solely good and solely evil, but we can leave that topic alone for a later time."
"The Qlipoth was first planted in Eden- the home of Adam and Eve."
"As in the tree of knowledge…." Accelerator trailed his words. The esper wasn't religious- far from it, but even he knew about the famous creation story.
"Correct," The demon replied. "Once Eve and Adam had disobeyed God by eating the fruits of the tree, the first of mankind were soon cast out of the holy garden."
"But not before God had planted another tree – Sephiroth: the tree of life. It served Adam and Eve as an eternal reminder of their sin…."
Coronzon pursed her lips. "… but also as a symbol of hope; that one day, one of their descendants might return to the holy garden."
"Following their fall, God had tasked me with protecting the Sephiroth. Before that, I couldn't really be considered a being; I had no will or thought. I was given those aspects following my' creation'. In return, however, those actions and emotions would be tied to the tree. Symbolically, I relied on the tree just as much as it relied on me."
"As the protector of Sephiroth, I was meant to keep it in line with the Qlipoth as well as test those who wished to climb it."
"In the latter role, I can be considered as 'The Destroyer of Ego.'"
"Ego…" the esper thought to himself before his eyes suddenly widen in understanding. Oh… that feeling when Coronzon had questioned him…. it all made sense now. It was the weight of his ego, his paradigm, trying to resist the demon's presence.
Trying to drag himself back into the dark.
Coronzon continued. "At first, I tried to do my job; I truly did love the Sephiroth. It was a beautiful tree, something filled with so much hope…."
The demon paused. "But I was never a good protector. I couldn't prevent those who abused the tree for personal gain. Those who failed the final test of ego; found new ways of seeking domination. They mastered their own path of magic before raising themselves from the dead."
"Utter blasphemy, but despite all of my powers, I was inadequate to stop them."
"They were the Magic Gods." Accelerator guessed.
Coronzon nodded.
Yes, that feeling was well known to the esper. To be so powerful yet also so powerless at the same time. It could drive anyone mad.
"Later, the Sephiroth would be attacked by an unknown force. Perhaps it was partially the due to the prevalence of the Magic Gods; perhaps it was entirely something else. Whatever the case was, I would have been destroyed, had the Second Adam not saved it- and, by extension me."
"Second Adam?" The esper asked.
"The one you know as Jesus. He stopped the Sephiroth's destruction with his own crucifixion."
"He had done it so easily. The gratitude given to him were of no words but was almost deafening."
"To only need to protect a little thing and yet fail so miserably at it… Was it just me? If I changed myself, could I do it better?"
"I thought God had sent him to show me what my potential was. I wanted to emulate the Second Adam. To protect the Sephiroth while also receiving the smiles that were given to him."
"However, like your path of trying to emulate Kamijou Touma, trying to be like the Second Adam was something that I, too, could not achieve. Every failure, piece by piece, eventually drove me mad."
"I began to self-loath myself, and when I had emptied out my ability to blame myself, I started to blame everyone else. The Magic Gods, humanity, and the tree itself."
The esper froze at that statement. Would he end up loathing Last Order?
It wasn't a pleasant thought that formed in his mind, but deep down, the esper had to admit the possibility of something like that occurring.
"The tree was eternal, as was myself, the Magic Gods, and human selfishness."
Coronzon muttered. "So, when Mathers contract promised me that I would be free from the Sephiroth. I took the offer. I would no longer be eternally abided to look after it."
Now was the time the esper decided to speak. "Which is now where my question is going to be answered."
"What does your freedom entail?"
Coronzon paused in slight surprise. They had talked about Accelerator's problems so much that she had almost forgotten hers.
It was time for the destroyer of egos to have her own shattered.
"Yes, you were correct. Freedom was simply a tool to achieve something else."
The demon replied back.
"To redefine myself as something else… Lola Stuart…. some other name, it didn't matter. As long as I was not shackled as Coronzon anymore- the immutable existence that I grew to hate."
The esper continued, "And it might even be considered a noble goal, but in pursuit of the goal, you committed horrendous acts."
"In part because I deluded myself in thinking it was the only way…." Coronzon trailed off.
"And in part because you hoped that someone would stop you." Accelerator continued.
"…To help me as well because, despite my powers and pride, I was too weak to do so myself. Something that I never admitted to until my defeat at your hands."
The esper mused, "Perhaps, it cannot really be considered a defeat then."
The two once again sat down on the couch in silence. There were still so many more loose ends to tie up, but neither wanted to speak anymore. It just felt more comforting this way.
Eventually, it was Accelerator that was the one to resume their conversation: "It's not enough that we know our faults; they still need to be fixed."
"And we can fix them. Together. With each other."
This wasn't really the esper's forte. To walk down a new road... someone else, but given everything that occurred over the past few days, it was something new, and perhaps it was also for the best.
Coronzon gave a slight look of surprise at the boy. "Hmm, are you offering another contract?"
"Not everything needs to involve a contract. A promise is just enough."
"The first Adam damned you. The second one saved you. Perhaps, I can be the third one that makes you smile… in my own way, of course."
The esper stammered the last part quickly. Accelerator's face had become beet red in contrast to his albino white skin- a detail the demon immediately noticed.
"OH, HO!" It was the first time Accelerator had seen Coronzon revert slightly back to her old mannerism. It was strangely cute. He kinda missed it. "God did promise Adam that eventually, his descendants would return to the garden. Perhaps, he was speaking of you."
The demon mused. "In which case, I guess that makes me Eve and this place Eden."
The esper scoffed at that notion.
"To suggest this place as Eden? Don't be ridiculous. This God-Forsaken place has always been hell."
"Tch. Were you just trying to get on my nerves again?" Accelerator spoke with further annoyance.
"You're an actual fucking demon, do you know that?"
Coronzon gave another trademark laugh. "A wonderful first attempt, but just flirting wouldn't get you anywhere."
The demon's laughter eventually died down before she stared at the esper in an almost bliss-like muse.
"Apologies if you were offended, but I couldn't help but recall what Adam said to Eve in an attempt to console her…."
"Eden is simply where we make it to be."
About 3.5K words in total.
A lot of dialogue, so tell me if you think I did a good job on it. The next two chapters are probably more romantic in nature, and I hope to have the next one by Wednesday, and chapter 8 by Christmas (The timeline during NT18-22 was close to Christmas, so perhaps some sort of special is in order) :)
Have a good day everyone!
