It all began in a neighborhood just like yours.
Well, not exactly just like it. This neighborhood was unique.
Why?
Because there was one certain resident of this neighborhood that made it so.
Many therapists and counselors had spent hours analyzing his psyche, trying to see just what it was that drove this human whirlwind of destruction.
His answer, after all, could not be the truth.
What was his answer, you ask?
"Because it's fun, and everyone else are aliens anyway, so I have to."
But there came one day that changed his life, and eventually the whole city, forever.
This is what happened.
Screech! Blam! Crash!
A young boy and his companion reclined on a sofa, watching a film that they were almost certainly not allowed to have knowledge of, let alone watch.
The boy wore red sneakers, black pants, and a red-and-black striped shirt. He had spiky blond hair in a vague mohawk that he had probably tried (and failed) to do himself.
His companion was not exactly the sort of company you would expect a six-year-old to keep. First of all, he was a tiger. Second of all, while he was indeed covered in striped fur, and did have a tail, his proportions were much closer to a human than a feline, walking upright with knees and elbows like a biped. Except for his face, with its high ears, fangs, and truly tiger-like proportions, one could mistake him for a man in a tiger suit.
Their names were Calvin and Hobbes.
Now the story can begin.
"Ahh, this is the life!" exclaimed Calvin, leaning back in his seat. "A whole beautiful Saturday ahead of us, to use however we want! And we choose to waste it watching TV, as the economy demands of us. And as the best shows come on."
"Hear, hear!" said Hobbes. "Although your dad probably won't be happy."
"No worries," said Calvin. "He's off at the courthouse representing a shaving cream manufacturer! No way is he spoiling today's fun!"
Suddenly, a finger tapped Calvin on his shoulder.
He visibly wilted. "Hi, Dad," he said without looking up. "I thought you were…"
"My client settled out of court," said Dad, glowering at the pair.
Well, not exactly at both of them. You see, whenever someone besides Calvin looks at Hobbes, all they see is a stuffed toy tiger. They all think Calvin is playing with his imaginary friend. Calvin doesn't even know this, and if he did know he would almost certainly reject the theory. What you think is up to you. But I digress. Back to the narrative.
"I suppose," began Calvin glumly, "You are about to request for me to deactivate the current program and vacate the current premises to entertain myself with the outdoors?"
"Sounds about right," said Dad, "Only it's not a request."
The next thing Calvin and Hobbes knew, they were lying in the backyard.
"That's one less present for his birthday!" grumbled Calvin as he got up.
"How many presents is he at, anyway? Negative three?" asked Hobbes.
"Negative four," said Calvin. "Remember that time he tried to get me to play kickball with him?"
"Oh, yeah," said Hobbes. "I think they've replaced the weather balloon by now."
"Anyway," said Calvin, "Now that we're out, we might as well go get the wagon. We can try out that new hiking trail they made!"
"Oh joy of joys," said Hobbes. "Yet another new way for us to crash into the lake."
"Oh, quit being so morbid," said Calvin. "We won't crash into the lake this time!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAUUGH!" Calvin and Hobbes screamed as they plummeted off a cliff and crashed into the lake.
This time.
Hobbes gave Calvin an impressively dirty look as they crawled out of the water. "Not a word," said Calvin as he lifted his hair back into the crude mohawk.
Hobbes didn't say anything.
He did shake himself and splatter water over Calvin again, but he was completely silent the whole time.
After Calvin had fixed his hair for the second time, tried to kill Hobbes, failed, and calmed down, they got onto more pressing concerns.
Starting with the wagon.
"I didn't see where it sunk, and this lake is supposed to be hundreds of feet deep. We might never find it!" exclaimed Calvin.
"Actually, I can see in the dark, so I saw it," interjected Hobbes.
"Oh, right. Keep forgetting you can do that," muttered Calvin. "So, do you think you could find it again?"
"Easily," said Hobbes. "It went under a huge boulder pretty far down. Pretty distinctive. We can find it easily."
"Great!" said Calvin. "One problem, though- it'll take a lot of force to move a boulder and drag the wagon to the surface. I have a plan."
Hobbes gulped. Somehow, Calvin's plans usually landed them in a heap of trouble. But, they were out in the forest, so… what could go wrong?
Something moved through the dark and murky water, eyes glowing a sickly green.
Suddenly, a fract of sunlight pierced through the water for the briefest moment, long enough to illuminate… Hobbes, with a vine tied around his waist.
He swam down to a large boulder jutting out of the lake wall, and reached behind it.
Ah- he could feel the wagon's steering column.
Hobbes tied the vine to the column, then quickly swam to the surface.
"Okay, we're good!" he yelled to Calvin, who was holding the other end of the vine. Calvin started pulling at the vine, and as Hobbes joined him, deep underwater the wagon began to budge.
Within a couple of minutes, it jerked free as they pulled their vehicle to the surface.
However, with the wagon gone, the boulder was dislodged.
Within moments it sank to the bottom of the lake, never to be seen again.
Behind the boulder was a large conglomerate of mud and ice, preserved from being behind the boulder.
But now that it was exposed to the warm summer water, the million-year-old ice at last began to melt.
Two red eyes glared out into the dark waters.
A slender form emerged from the mud and began to ascend.
Calvin and Hobbes dragged the muddied wagon out of the water and onto the lakeshore.
"Well, there we go!" said Calvin happily. "Now then, let's continue our wagon ride!"
"Wow," said Hobbes. "One of your plans actually worked without causing mass destruction of public property or major bodily harm to either of us… are you sure you're the same Calvin?"
"Hah hah," Calvin groaned as he climbed back into the wagon.
As Hobbes prepared to start pushing the wagon, none of them noticed bubbles forming at the surface.
Suddenly, with a horrible shriek, a five-foot tall reptile leapt out of the water and landed on its hind legs, right in front of Calvin and Hobbes!
They screamed in terror, although some small part of Calvin's brain remained rational enough to recognise the beast as a velociraptor. And some small part of Hobbes' brain remained rational enough to grab the wagon and hit the turbo.
They rocketed through the forest, all of Hobbes' strength pushed into his legs to gain as much speed as possible. But it still wasn't enough, as when they turned their heads the raptor was gaining!
"SKRAAAAAW!" it shrieked as it swung its vicious sickle-like middle claw.
Hobbes barely avoided the attack by jumping into the back of the wagon. Now their lives (and the steering column) were in Calvin's hands.
He drove the wagon in a zigzag pattern, making it difficult for the raptor to keep up.
Eventually though, it caught on, and launched into a deadly pounce just as Calvin turned!
He pulled himself and Hobbes to the side, turning the bottom of the wagon to the raptor, and the dino crashed into it facefirst.
The wagon went spiraling down a hill.
Calvin tugged desperately at the steering column, trying to regain control.
Suddenly, he realized they were heading straight for a tree!
"AAAAAAUGH!" they screamed.
Suddenly, one of the wagon's wheels caught on a rock.
The wheel fell off, and the wagon crashed to the ground.
Hobbes wiped sweat from his brow. "Oh, thank you, fate," he said.
Suddenly, they heard a familiar "SKRAAAAAAW!" and spun to look up the hill. The raptor was racing towards them!
"Oh, no!" moaned Hobbes. "Without the wagon, we're doomed!"
"Who says we're without the wagon?" asked Calvin. He had found the wheel and was screwing it back on.
Hobbes glanced nervously from the wagon to the approaching dinosaur.
It grinned, baring its fangs.
Hobbes paled. So this was how all those ducks felt…
Suddenly, he felt himself get yanked backwards and pulled into the repaired wagon.
Calvin swerved the steering column and they clattered off, the raptor screeching angrily at its meal being yanked away.
Steeling itself, it shot forward, like an arrow, readying its claws.
Calvin saw this and leaned forward, causing the wagon to speed up.
Suddenly, he saw that their path was cluttered with boulders!
He swerved desperately, trying to avoid crashing into one.
But the raptor just leapt over the boulders and landed right next to them!
It immediately swiped at them with its claws. Calvin turned the wagon so the blow glanced off the side, then rammed the raptor. It recovered and swiped again, and this time it managed to catch Hobbes on the arm.
"Yeouch!" he yelped and punched the raptor. Calvin rammed it again, knocking it to the ground. The wagon zoomed up a slope, leaving the raptor behind. As they approached the top of the hill and the raptor climbed shakily to its feet, the wagon started sliding back down the hill, back towards the predator.
Suddenly, Calvin grabbed Hobbes and jumped out as the wagon, gathering speed, barreled straight towards the downed raptor.
"Bye-bye, birdy," he smirked.
Suddenly, the raptor lashed out with its tail, knocking the wagon into a bush!
It got up, and started growling at them.
Calvin and Hobbes backed up nervously. "This wasn't part of my plan!" hissed Calvin.
The raptor tensed, preparing to spring.
Suddenly, a green beam shot out of the sky, and struck Calvin and Hobbes!
It engulfed them, rendering them silhouettes of green light.
Just as quickly, the beam retracted into the sky, taking Calvin and Hobbes with it!
High above the clouds, almost in the upper atmosphere, an orb-like ship hovered over the land.
Inside the ship, the main room included several computers and screens, showing things like radar and the remaining fuel- typical Star Trek stuff.
In another room, there was a glass tube.
It filled with green light, which quickly coalesced into two shimmering green silhouettes. And in a couple moments, they solidified into Calvin and Hobbes!
The tube lifted up, allowing them to leave.
"Um… what just happened?" asked Hobbes.
"Don't ask me," said Calvin.
"Perhaps we can be of some assistance," came a voice.
Calvin and Hobbes whirled around to see two things that had never before walked the surface of the Earth… until now.
They were quite short, a bit shorter than Calvin. They had no arms, tentacles instead of legs, green skin, no noses, and one eye each. They wore silver spacesuits and high yellow collars. One of them had a pointed hat with a star on it, and the other had a hat with a moon on it.
"Aliens!" gasped Calvin.
"Yes, we are Cosmos. Our names are Galaxoid and Nebular," said the one with the star hat.
"We represent the Galactic Alliance," interjected the one with the moon hat. "We're here to invite your planet to join the Alliance."
"Nebular!" hissed the first alien- who, Calvin supposed must be Galaxoid- "I'm making the introductions here!"
"And you're certainly doing a very good job of it!" retorted Nebular sarcastically. "You're acting all chummy with them. We do not get chummy! We're ambassadors!"
"Oh, are you just mad because I haven't done the laundry yet?" snapped Nebular irratibly.
"It was your turn!" Galaxoid hissed.
"I said I'll get to it!" exclaimed Nebular.
Calvin and Hobbes exchanged a glance- it was like something out of a sitcom.
"You guys aren't… married, are you?" asked Calvin.
"Of course not," said Galaxoid.
"There you go, ruining our mystique again," griped Nebular.
"Well, if you're so great, why don't you talk to them!" responded Galaxoid.
"Fine, I will!" said Nebular smugly.
"So, they are married," muttered Hobbes.
"Take us to your leader!" Nebular loudly demanded.
There was a pause. Nebular looked at the Earthlings hopefully.
Calvin gulped. Earth didn't have one single leader, so he couldn't bring the aliens to him. Galaxoid and Nebular, however, didn't look like they were going to take no for an answer. If Calvin said he couldn't, they would put them back on the ground and go grab someone else while the raptor enjoyed a snack.
"Why, what lucky coincidence that you picked us up," began Calvin.
"You don't mean…" gaped Nebular.
"That's right," said Calvin. "I am the ruler of Earth. The Third Planetary Sovereign Supreme!"
Hobbes fainted.
"Forgive my minister over there, he has trouble with heights," said Calvin smoothly. "Now, as for joining your Galactic Alliance, that would present many opportunities for my people, so… where do I sign?"
The aliens gaped. "Shouldn't you at least talk to your ministers?" ventured Galaxoid.
"Them? Oh, they're just figureheads. Keep the people feeling represented, but no real political power compared to me," said Calvin smoothly.
As Hobbes regained consciousness, he saw Calvin signing a stack of papers. "There, that should cover it," said Galaxoid.
Hobbes took Calvin aside. "Are you seriously handing the Earth over to aliens?!" he hissed.
"Just in name, Hobbes, just in name. They'll be talking to me, so I can tell them whatever they want to hear about Earth, and we'll get rid of the raptor in the bargain!" explained Calvin.
"Get rid of the raptor?" questioned Hobbes.
"Just watch," said Calvin as he sidled up to the aliens. "To seal the deal, what do you say about this planet's first intergalactic business transaction?" he asked them.
"Splendid!" said Galaxoid. "What are you offering?"
"Do you have zoos in space?" asked Calvin.
"Of course!" answered Nebular.
"Look down," said Calvin, pointing at the window. The aliens slithered over and looked out.
"Ooh, are you offering the mocholar-looking thing?" asked Galaxoid, pointing to the raptor (which was currently chasing a deer).
"It's called a raptor. And yes," said Calvin. "Can you use that green laser thing to get it up here?"
"It's called a matter transmitter. And yes," smiled Nebular. He slithered over to a screen and hit some buttons, and the glass tube lowered from the ceiling. He flipped a switch and the ship again fired its green beam. Down on the ground, the raptor saw the ray coming and tried to dodge, but there was no escaping this.
The beam engulfed it and retracted back up to the ship. On the ship, the raptor appeared in the glass tube, but unlike for Calvin and Hobbes, the tube did not lift. The raptor shrieked and clawed at the glass, but it couldn't get out.
"SKRAAAAAAAAAW!" it howled.
"Oh, pipe down," said Nebular as he tapped a couple of buttons on the screen. The tube's ceiling slid open, and powerful suction filled the tube, like from a giant vacuum. The raptor was lifted into the air and disappeared into some unknown cell in the ship's ceiling.
"That will be twenty grablotthor pearls," said Galaxoid as he forked over several glowing spheres. Calvin greedily stuffed them into his coat.
"I suppose this is where we get off?" asked Hobbes hopefully.
"Very well," said Nebular, turning off the suction.
They stepped into the tube.
"Goodbye, Third Planetary Sovereign Supreme!" waved Galaxoid.
"Just call me Calvin," smiled Calvin. And with that, the tube filled with green light, and Calvin and Hobbes were rendered first silhouettes, then indistinguishable light, then nothing as the light shot into the tube's floor.
"We'll see him again, won't we?" asked Nebular.
"No doubt," said Galaxoid. "And hopefully you'll let me finish the introductions this time!"
The green beam shot down to the ground and opened to reveal Calvin and Hobbes before retracting into the sky.
They just stood there for a moment.
Then Calvin saw the wagon in the bushes.
"Wow! It's not even hurt!" he said, rushing over.
"We can finish our wagon ride! And without any dinosaurs!" said Hobbes.
"Well, we don't know that for sure…" said Calvin as they climbed into the wagon and clattered away.
"So, what should we do tomorrow?" asked Hobbes as the trees rushed past them.
"Five words: Get Rid Of Slimy girlS," grinned Calvin.
Author's Notes: Hello all! I'm CalvinZilla and you'll hopefully be hearing more from me. Yes, I know raptors have feathers, but I just wanted to have some fun.
EDIT: After rethinking the overarching story I want to tell, I must regretfully pronounce this installment non-canon. It will remain up due to me wanting to keep record of my first fic, but in the story at large, these are not canon events anymore. I will hopefully be back with more stories soon, including Spaceman Spiff Meets Stupendous Man!, but for now, An Unusual Wagon Ride is chapter zero of the storyline.
