Chapter 3: Running Gags
Following another 15-minute breather in-between matches, everyone was gearing up for the third match of the day, which was to take place in the specially-designed 'desert highway area' of the training grounds. Tenya Iida was waiting uncharacteristically impatiently at the starting line, which indicated that the theme of the match was to be a race.
"What kind of opponent doesn't appear two minutes before the start of a race?" Iida pondered aloud. "Certainly not me-I had the good sense to show up a whole hour earlier so I could speak to the staff setting up the course. I thanked them, did all my warm-ups and stretches, I'm ready for this to begin, and then some...Where's my opponent already? I mean it would be a nice courtesy, just so we could get some proper introductions out of the way, exchange cards-"
Before he could finish his thought, what sounded like the screeching of braking tires sounded off right next to him, causing Iida to jump nearly out of his skin. Looking for the source of that noise, he eventually found his gaze directed downwards at a diminutive brown mouse wearing a white shirt and pants, a red kerchief, and a somewhat-large yellow sombrero.
"Hola, Senor Iida!" the mouse greeted in a notable Spanish accent. "My name ees Speedy Gonzales of ACME Looniversity, and I will be acting as the referee for your race. Your opponeents should be arriving just about now."
Soon enough, Iida heard a couple of noises that almost sounded like a car horn and a bike horn, respectively, and turned with a slight start to his other side, where he was astonished by the sight of a couple of birds-specifically, roadrunners. The bigger of the two had a mix of blue and indigo feathers, while the smaller of the two had red and orange ones in addition to sporting a pair of blue tennis shoes.
"Meep meep!" the larger Road Runner greeted.
"Meep meep!" the smaller one, identified as Little Beeper, followed at a higher pitch.
Iida, a bamboozled expression on his face, looked our way and held up a bilingual sign with the following printed on it:
Are they for real?
彼らは本当ですか?
Soon the sounds of Present Mic and Porky could be heard over the PA system as they went into a few more particulars of the race, including how the monitor drones had been upgraded by UA support hero course student Mei Hatsume to be fast enough to keep track of the competitors. Once their spiel was done, said competitors got into their ready stances.
Speedy proceeded to aim the starting pistol skyward. "On your marks...geet set...andale, andale, andale, ARRIBA!"
*BANG*
Unfortunately, due to a bit of a language gap, it took Iida a fraction of a second to understand those last few words, but he soon noticed that the two roadrunners had already left trails of dust clouds next to him, signaling that they'd gotten ahead by at least several dozen meters. Knowing now that this wouldn't be an easy race, Iida did what he did best with his quirk:
He started to run.
-X-
Minutes into the race, Iida was sure he was starting to catch up to the roadrunners, keeping in mind the distance and speed he'd need to maintain in order to beat them. He also pondered his disadvantage in not knowing anything about his fellow racers, but on the plus side, he was thankful for some of the upgrades made to his costume, also courtesy of Mei Hatsume. (She admitted it was a way for her to make it up to him for the way that their match at the U.A. Sports Festival went down.) One of these upgrades, a high-powered binocular function built into his helmet's visor, was used by him to pinpoint the exact spot where he'd meet up with the roadrunners. It was then he noticed something unusual down the road...
Moments before, Wile E. Coyote was giving a lecture to his protégé, Calamity Coyote, pointing out a plan drawn out on a blackboard. It depicted the roadrunners looking into a mirror, captioned by 'Use roadrunners' vanity'. A large 'X' was drawn on the ground underneath them, while a huge boulder held by a rope was shown above them. Calamity nodded in understanding before he started to set the trap, with the last piece being the large full-length mirror. The smaller coyote was carrying it with great difficulty when Iida, having the stroke of luck to pass the roadrunners earlier, stopped at his side, much to Calamity's confusion.
"What exactly are you doing here, little fellow?" Iida asked. Before Calamity could answer, Iida went into full-on class representative mode, with plenty of gesturing involved. "One must be mindful of their safety out on the open road, and large mirrors definitely can prove to be a hazard if moved incorrectly. To properly transport one, you must wrap it in sturdy butcher paper or bubble-wrap, and ensure that it's securely tied-we wouldn't want anyone hurt, especially a guest of U.A. such as yourself. It's very important that everyone..." While he kept yammering on, the Road Runner and Little Beeper zoomed past their one-sided conversation. "...follows any and all safety and security procedures, always. So, if you would indulge me..."
Calamity, nodding affirmatively, quickly began wrapping the mirror in first bubble-wrap and then butcher paper. Wile E., seeing this, gave himself a facepalm.
"That's more like it, youngster," Iida complimented with a thumbs-up. "On behalf of all U.A. students and staff, I thank you." After giving him a small wave, Iida resumed his run as he went to catch up with the roadrunners.
Upon finishing his wrapping, Calamity realized he didn't have anything to tie it securely, and wound up grabbing the rope holding up the boulder for the trap. Wile E., sensing the danger, dashed over to try and get Calamity off of the 'X'. The minute he reached him was when the boulder fell on them both.
-X-
Moments later, after recovering from their initial crushing defeat, Wile E. was explaining to Calamity the particulars of a blueprint labeled 'classic'. Depicted was the following plan:
1. Scatter metallic pellets all over the road.
2. Cover them with birdseed.
3. Once the roadrunners ate the mixture, don both a pair of roller skates and a belt with a large magnet attached.
4. Use the magnetic pull to catch the roadrunners.
Calamity nodded in understanding and quickly began setting up the new trap. Once again, Iida, luckily finding himself ahead of the roadrunners, spotted Calamity as he went about his task, causing him to stop again to lecture the smaller coyote.
"Hold a minute, young visitor," Iida said. Again, Calamity found himself facing the straight-laced, gesturing speedster as he pointed to the pellets and birdseed he'd just poured onto the asphalt. "I don't know how it works where you come from, but here in Japan there is an understanding that the road belongs to everyone, and we all pay our taxes to keep it in pristine condition. If people started littering indiscriminately and deliberately..." Again, the two roadrunners passed the one-sided conversation by, leaving a dust cloud in their wake. "...more people need to be hired to clean and maintain the roads, meaning we citizens have to pay even more taxes, and despite the good cause they go towards, I don't want to have to pay more than I'd already be required to. Or worse, the amount of money stays the same, but the government makes up the difference by tapping into the funding for heroes, and I doubt you want me or my colleagues to be out of a job now, do you?" Calamity shook his head 'no', and was then handed a broom and dust pan by Iida (where he got them from, we have no idea), with which he started to sweep the road clean. Nodding with approval, Iida then dashed to catch up to the roadrunners again.
Once Calamity was finished, he took the pile of birdseed and metallic pellets in his dustpan and tossed it into a nearby garbage can, which was promptly picked up by a garbage truck. Wile E., again realizing the imminent danger, desperately tried to remove the magnet belt from his waist, but unfortunately was too late. He soon fell victim to the magnetic pull and was dragged along on his skates at full speed, crashing into Calamity along the way as the apprentice coyote found himself riding atop his mentor's shoulders. Wile E. tried again to remove the belt as they gained more and more speed, before finally managing to undo it, much to his and his protege's relief. The feeling proved to be short-lived after noticing the truck had made a sharp turn; without the magnetic pull, they kept the momentum going until they rolled off the road and eventually off of a cliff.
-X-
Having recovered from the nosedive their previous plan took, Wile E. had decided that enough was enough, as he pointed Calamity's gaze towards the blackboard he was tapping furiously on, highlighting the caption 'Neutralize speedster first'. He then pointed to the schematic below it, consisting of a large metal sheet disguised as an ordinary billboard, which secretly contained a hidden spring trigger. The drawing that followed in the sequence showed a skeptical Iida looking over the 'billboard', only for it to suddenly close on him at full speed, knocking the young hero out and also becoming a barrier that would hopefully stop the roadrunners. Slamming a door in someone's face at a larger scale, in other words.
Both coyotes immediately began painting the front of the billboard, doing a parody of the classic Botticelli piece The Birth of Venus, with Wile E. standing in for the Roman goddess in question. Wile E., done with his portion, then went to hide at the ready, while Calamity put some finishing touches on the façade. Yet again, Iida appeared at his side, ready to lecture the young coyote. Again.
"Look, little fellow," Iida started to say, "I don't want to be the bad guy in this scenario, as being a hero I do support freedom of expression-but the fact is you still need an official permit in order to put up a billboard near the road. May I see your paperwork, please?"
Calamity, in answer to his request, stepped a few paces away while pretending to rummage around in a bag for the paperwork. Wile E., seeing his cue, released the trigger on the trap...or rather, thought he did, as the spring mechanism hadn't moved even with the trigger's release. Wile E. tried gently pushing the mechanism with his fingertips, and still nothing happened.
"I must admit, this is a really good composition," Iida noted as he kept talking, hands still gesticulating as he did. "I see you've taken a page from Banksy and his ironic takes on classical Western works, as well as..." Wile E., amidst all this, was now pushing on the mechanism with all of his might, to no avail. "...some elements of pop art and Renaissance. Now then, it appears you don't have a permit." He patted Calamity reassuringly on the head. "Tell you what-when the race is over, I'll come back and help you take this down, and then we can make arrangements to have it put on display in another U.A. building. Does that sound good to you?" Before he got any answer out of Calamity, Iida saw both roadrunners zip by them towards the finish line. "Hold that thought, I'll get back to you." With that, Iida resumed his running as he went to yet again catch up with the roadrunners.
When he left, Wile E. got out from his hiding spot and stepped in front of the billboard, perplexed as to why the trap hadn't sprung. Unfortunately, as luck would have it...the trap finally did spring, slamming into and sending both coyotes sailing off another cliff.
-X-
A short time later, a frustrated Calamity watched as his mentor fished around for something in an old trunk, eventually pulling out a book. Wile E. blew the dust off of the cover (which caused Calamity to sneeze), and then showed the younger coyote the title, ACME Hypnotism 101. He then opened the book up to a specific page, titled 'Lesson 11: How to Make Someone Jump Off a Cliff', and handed the book to Calamity so he could thoroughly study it.
Meanwhile, Iida and the roadrunners were neck-and-neck when Speedy Gonzales came running alongside them.
"Andale, andale-theere's just three keelomeeters to go, ARRIBA!" he said enthusiastically before dashing to the finish line ahead of them, monitor drones in tow.
Iida could feel his lungs beginning to burn, indicating the many stops he made to talk with the small coyote were beginning to have their effect on him. Yet still, he remembered that the honor of his school depended on his win, and as he returned his focus to the race...he saw the same small coyote standing around in the middle of the road. Again he ran beyond his limits until he was standing in front of Calamity.
"Look, do I need to impart unto you yet another lesson in basic road safet-"
Before Iida could finish his remark, Calamity began making some strange gestures while looking straight at Iida. Unfortunately, his hypnotic gaze was reflected by Iida's very well-polished armor, causing Calamity to become a victim of his own hypnosis. Now in a trance, he soon began making his way towards a cliff edge nearby...
"What the-kid? What are you-?" Realizing that Calamity was about to walk off the cliff, Iida ran in and caught him just before he could fall. From his hiding spot nearby, Wile E., seeing all this, gave himself a facepalm before he headed towards his protégé and Iida. Iida was having some trouble holding Calamity still as the smaller coyote tried to get out of his grasp and head back towards the cliff, just as the larger coyote showed up, whereupon he snapped his fingers three times, releasing Calamity from the hypnotic spell. Calamity, regaining his senses, blinked before he noticed the cliff edge in front of him and grabbed onto Iida for dear life. Wile E. managed to pry Calamity off of Iida and reassured him that everything was all right. Off in the distance, they heard the faint sounds of the Road Runner and Little Beeper arriving at the finish line, winning the race in the process.
"Meep meep!"
"Well, that settles it then-I've lost," Iida admitted. "But at least I ran a good race with honor and did my part as a hero. Even so, I might as well finish the race." He then looked down at Calamity. "In the meantime, I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from these cliffs, going forward." He then got into a runner's stance. "Not only are they dangerous, but the area around them is so geologically unstable, even the mere snap of fingers is enough to cause a rockslide." With that, Iida ran off towards the finish line, leaving the two coyotes in the dust.
Speaking of said coyotes, Wile E. and Calamity looked at one another confusedly, until they felt a few pebbles fall on their heads. Soon they noticed a large shadow appearing under their feet before they looked up. Resignedly, Wile E. opened up a tiny umbrella above the two of them as they braced for impact.
-X-
At the finish line, Iida, having been met by some of his classmates, was lecturing them about the importance of holding to their sense of honor and values above everything else; the only ones who seemed to pay any attention were Midoriya and Uraraka, and even Speedy Gonzales was listening.
"You're quite right, Senor Iida," the super-fast mouse affirmed. "You study to be a hero, no? The whole time, you made no excuses and did what every hero should, eeven at the cost of losing the rayce. The Road Runner and Little Beeper, on their end, deedin't do anything really funny throughout the entire run." He then raised his hand towards Iida. "As el arbitro, I hereby award the point to U.A. Felicitaciones! Arriba!"
At the announcers' table, Present Mic and Porky commented on the events.
"You heard it here, folks!" Present Mic reported, "Iida's heroic actions mark another victory for U.A. in this zany inter-scholastic showdown!"
"As of n-n-n-n-now," Porky added. "Th-th-th-the sc-sc-sc-sc-score st-st-st-st-stands at U-u-u-u-u-U.A.: 2 an-an-an-an-and ACME: 1."
To be continued...
**Author's Note(s)**
I do wish there was an accent button for this feature. Other than that, I can only hope Chuck Jones would appreciate the effort in my attempt at translating the mainly physical, visual humor of his Road Runner/Wile E. Coyote shorts to prose.
