Their wandering took them to the late-night diner Rue had once found herself in with Ali, where he kindly dragged her back up after she hit rock bottom. Like the last time, there were only a few other patrons in the restaurant, and time felt like it moved slower within the walls. Like the place existed in its own world where interlopers couldn't disturb those inside.
Rue and Lexi seated themselves in a booth and each ordered a strawberry milkshake from their waitress, whose nametag dubbed her Michelle. As she walked away after setting their glasses in front of them, Michelle gave the two girls an enigmatic smile, as though she was in the know about something neither Rue nor Lexi was.
"You think she's wondering if she could get away with kidnapping us?" Rue asked, taking notice of Michelle's appraising look.
Lexi leaned to the side to avoid snorting into her milkshake. "No, Rue," she said, "I don't think that. Why is kidnapping a subject that's always on your mind?"
"It's not always on my mind."
"It's been a recurring theme these days," Lexi pointed out.
"Because it's a very real possibility!" Rue defended.
"Sure," Lexi allowed with a grin, "but have you ever tried not assuming the worst about people?"
As she thought about the question, Rue put her elbow on the table and rested her chin in her hand. "You know, that's actually kind of offensive because I have never in my life assumed the worst about you."
"Well, I am flattered." Lexi sat back in her seat and gazed at Rue with that look again; the look that was accompanied by sparkling eyes. The look that harbored more words than were being said. The look that was somehow both new and familiar to Rue.
"You should be," Rue told Lexi once she found her voice again. "I don't do that for just anyone."
Lexi concentrated on the condensation that formed on the outside of her glass. She traced a finger down the side deliberately, making the action seem much more significant than it actually was.
This silence wasn't the comfortable kind for them: it was restless, agitated, and felt like it needed to be filled.
"Are you okay?" Rue wondered after a moment, rather unsettled by the sudden shift in energy between them.
"Yeah," Lexi said, but it didn't sound entirely convincing. Then she added, "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course."
Lexi knew her relationship with Rue – whatever it was and however it might be labeled – didn't automatically grant her the right to every detail regarding Rue's life. However, it had never been in her nature to shy away from harsh truths. Especially when they concerned the past of her best friend. She hoped Rue would be willing enough to share at least some aspects of events from which Lexi had been excluded.
"What happened between you and Jules?" Lexi's eyes briefly flicked up to Rue's before returning downwards. "I know it's not necessarily my business, so, like, if you don't want to tell me, I get it. It's just…you two were intense. And now…well, you know."
Rue nodded but didn't say anything yet. She did know. Sometimes she wished she didn't; relationships as intense as what she had with Jules, though, are not forgotten easily.
Rue, moreover, knew that whatever was occurring between her and Lexi warranted this type of conversation. It had been a topic circling her thoughts ever since she and Jules were really, truly over. Perhaps it would do Rue some amount of good to dissect what had gone on.
She just wasn't sure she was capable of such a task. "She left," Rue said.
"Yeah, then she came back," Lexi said in a soft voice.
"Jules and I were done the second she got on a train headed for the city." It was the first time Rue had said the words out loud to another person. Doing so released the flood gates. She took a deep breath and went on, "Even if I didn't want to admit it. Even though we tried again after she got back. We were fucking chaotic, and not always in a good way. Don't get me wrong – we loved each other as best as we could, but I don't think it was ever in the way either of us deserved to be loved. Or maybe it just wasn't the right kind of love for us at the time. If that makes sense?"
"It does."
"We were both running from things. I feel like that's why fell in so deeply so quickly with each other: we needed something to escape to." Rue stirred her straw around in her milkshake, staring at its contents like they contained the answers to life's biggest questions.
"Right person, wrong time?" Lexi offered.
"Maybe," Rue sighed.
"So, she left and you…"
"Did a lot of things wrong while Jules was gone. Relapsing was probably the worst," Rue said matter-of-factly. She meant for it to come across as humorous, but Lexi clenching her hands into fists was most likely indicative Rue had fallen short. "Sorry, bad timing. The point still stands, though. Then I just let myself get out of control and to top it all off, when I saw her on New Year's, I kind of indirectly but also not-so-indirectly blamed her for why I relapsed."
"Ah," Lexi answered. She crossed her arms as her eyes roamed Rue's face, trying to figure out what to say. "Probably not super helpful in the repairment of relationships."
"Definitely not my finest moment," Rue agreed. "And I wish I could take it back. In a way, for whatever time I was clean, and it wasn't long, I just substituted actual drugs with Jules. Which, I know, is a terrible thing to say. But I don't mean that she was bad for me; I mean she was something else I could turn to while trying to avoid my problems. Something else I could be addicted to."
"And how did that go for you?" Lexi asked to progress the conversation despite already understanding the answer.
"Terribly," Rue deadpanned. "It isn't surprising now, but it was when in the middle of things. I should've realized that Jules being that kind of person to me was only going to end in disaster; the moment she did something slightly inconvenient or that I didn't agree with – like getting on a train to the city – I used it as an excuse to get high. I was too dependent."
Rue, for what would surely not be the last time, sent up a silent prayer of gratitude to Ali, hoping he knew how much he helped her gain perspective.
"You didn't want to go with her? To the city?"
"I did want to," Rue admitted. "I wanted to go with her so much, Lexi. It would've been great. Jules and me in a new setting, just the two of us. Far away from here where I've made so many bullshit choices and mistakes."
"What stopped you?" Lexi's voice came out wistful and pensive. There wasn't a trace of judgement on her face, merely the curiosity she always brought to discussions with Rue.
"I don't fucking know. Nine out of ten times I get on that train without a care in the world. But that night…I guess there was one of those annoying little voices inside my head telling me I couldn't go with Jules. That even though I've fucked up continuously here, I couldn't just ditch. I thought of my mom and Gia and, honestly? I thought of all my medications I'd be leaving behind, which would've been a bad fucking idea among a few bad ideas."
"For what it's worth, I think you made the right decision. Nothing against Jules – I think she probably made the right decision for herself in that moment too. But you…you did what was best for you. That's pretty badass, Rue."
Rue let out a laugh; she didn't know if "badass" was an appropriate description for her at all, but it was a compliment that came from Lexi, which meant maybe there was some truth to it.
"Thank you," Rue said sincerely, hoping Lexi understood how much it meant.
"You're welcome." There was a scrutinizing look on Lexi's face when she went on, "Even after New Year's, you and Jules gave everything another shot."
"We did."
"I take it things didn't exactly go any better this time around."
"For a little while they did." Rue shrugged as she sifted through her thoughts. "Or maybe that was just me hoping for the best."
"You figured out a way to have Jules and drugs."
It wasn't an inquiry. Lexi said it knowing full well it was true and not to be argued with. The sheer amount of boldness to say the statement would've fueled Rue to hastily and indignantly remove herself from the conversation if it hadn't come from the girl across from her.
"Also not my finest moment," Rue said. "But you're right. I was selfish. I wanted all of it – Jules, drugs, the way they both made feel. And I knew I would lose Jules if drugs were still involved, so, I covered it up. And, as you know, that didn't go well either. I became too worried about losing her and too worried about who I'd be without the drugs…somewhere along the way everything got tangled up and turned into a mess. I think that's how we ended up here."
"That's how you ended up here," Lexi corrected, but she was smiling. "My path to this diner was a little different."
"Okay, true. I just…at the end of it all, I was in no position to be in a relationship like that in the first place. At any time. It wasn't fair to Jules. She deserves a lot better."
"Well," Lexi dragged the word out, "the whole thing probably wasn't a great example of good choices."
"You can say that again," Rue muttered.
Lexi grinned again. "But," she emphasized, "at least you learned something."
"I did?"
"Are you going to do that – or anything like it – again?"
"No," Rue replied with insistence, meaning it with the entirety of her heart. She was committed to being a better friend, daughter, sister, and whatever other role she may play in people's lives.
"Okay," Lexi said simply, "I'd say you learned something then."
Rue nodded absently as she tried to find her way to Lexi's vantage point on the matter. "Other than not doing it again, what exactly did I learn from this situation?"
"Not to be an asshole to people you care about, for starters."
The response elicited a laugh from Rue. She was sure what happened with Jules would remain a sore subject for quite some time, but talking about it with Lexi did take some of the weight off the burden – Rue felt lighter than she did a few minutes ago.
"Right," Rue confirmed, "don't be an asshole. Got it."
"Also," Lexi went on, "I know it probably feels like you came out of the deal with essentially nothing—"
"It absolutely does feel that way," Rue established.
"Sure but, Rue, you got through it and are clean now, and being clean isn't a 'no big deal' kind of thing."
"It hasn't been all that long."
"Stop downplaying it," Lexi chided. "Any amount of time being clean is something to be proud of."
Rue felt a tug on her heart and a stinging in her eyes she willed to go away. "Always the optimist."
"It's what I do," Lexi said. "Thank you for telling me all of that. It means a lot."
"Thanks for listening." Rue reached over and poked Lexi's arm. "Even though it painted me out to be a terrible person, it helped to talk about it. I didn't know if I was going to be able to."
Lexi rolled her eyes. "Rue, how many times do I have to tell you you're not a terrible person?"
Rue took a sip from the remnants of her milkshake, pretending to think deeply about the answer. "Hmm, every day for the rest of our lives?"
In Rue's head it sounded like a lighthearted, playful comment, and it mostly was. Yet, as soon as the words were said, they brought with them an electric current between the girls.
"Every day for the rest of our lives," Lexi agreed. "I can do that."
There was a beat of silence, then Rue decided to commit to a conversation she'd been worried about. "Can I take a turn at asking you something now?"
"Always."
Rue took a deep, fortifying breath. "What Cassie said back at the auditorium about telling you to drop me…did you, like, at all consider listening to her?" She couldn't find it in her to look Lexi in the eye. "I know you didn't actually listen to her obviously. But did you think about it?"
For the second time that night, Lexi stretched an arm out so she could place a hand on Rue's. Just before they touched, Rue flipped her hand up to interlace their fingers. It felt natural, as if they should've been doing this for the past 17 years and should keep doing it for as long as possible.
Rue and Lexi had similar thoughts – about what the hand holding meant, about how it felt, and about how they hoped they weren't misreading the situation.
Lexi eventually forced herself to break the spell. "Do you remember in 3rd grade, Ben What's-His-Face would always tug on my hair every chance he got? I'd ask him to stop, but he would say he couldn't hear me because I had a 'mouse voice' and keep going. Until one day at recess, he walked by and pulled on my braids and wouldn't leave me alone. You were 20 yards away playing kickball but somehow saw him doing it, so you grabbed the ball, marched over, and drilled him in the stomach with it. You didn't say a word, just came and then went back to your game. The whole thing gave me the courage to kick him in the shins as I was walking away."
The memory brought a smile to Rue's face. "Ben Cooper. Even at that age, that kid was a certified creep. He definitely deserved it."
"He was and he did," Lexi confirmed. "He never bothered me again after that. By then, you and I had been friends for four years, but it was in that moment I knew I wanted you in my life for as long as you'd stay. I figured I was always going to run into Ben Cooper types of people. It'd be a lot easier to deal with them if I have you in my corner."
"You never told me that," Rue said. She glanced at their interlocked hands, trying to ignore the pounding in her chest.
"It's not really something easily slipped into casual conversation," Lexi answered. She weighed her next words, also making an attempt to pretend her heart rate hadn't sped up exponentially. "My point is: no. Not for one second did I consider listening to Cassie. She isn't exactly a great advice giver. I wasn't about to start listening to her on something she knows absolutely nothing about. I wanted you in my life then. I want you in my life now."
"Even after all my shit?"
Lexi bit her lip. "I like to think that even when you were saying and pulling shit, you still would've thrown a kickball at somebody if I needed you to."
"I would have," Rue replied softly.
Though her history didn't necessarily support the notion, both girls knew it to be the truth. Their relationship had been weathered by life events and choices, but it was never in any danger of deteriorating completely – a fact Rue and Lexi were unconditionally sure of, despite never explicitly stating so.
Regardless of circumstance, they would always come running if and when the other one called.
Lexi's phone suddenly vibrated on the table. The screen lit up, informing her Fezco was trying to reach her. She used her free hand to tap the End button.
"You don't want to get that?" Rue asked.
Lexi shook her head. "I'll talk to him at another time."
Full disclosure would see Lexi admitting she hadn't once thought of Fez or his impending phone call since leaving the high school earlier. She'd felt a twinge of irritation upon seeing his name on the screen, but she'd keep that information to herself. It would hurt Fez's feelings and Rue would get too much satisfaction from it.
It pained Rue to say the next statement. "Speaking of time, I should probably get home. It's late, and I'm sure my mom is close to freaking out about where I am if she hasn't started."
"Yeah," Lexi sighed, "I guess I'm expected to show up sometime too. But I'll walk you home first; that way, if your mom gives you the third degree, I can vouch that you were with me all night."
Rue's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Thank you, but also, is that just a way of prolonging facing Cassie?"
"You bet it is."
Rue signaled to Michelle, asking her to bring the check. When she did, she gave Rue and Lexi another smile, looking back and forth between them.
"Everything all good?" she inquired.
"Yes, thank you."
"Very good, thanks."
Michelle walked away with one last glance over her shoulder.
"Definitely wants to kidnap us," Rue whispered across to Lexi.
"It's a shame we don't have a kickball handy."
They reluctantly untangled their hands, but not before shooting small, shy smiles at each other. After tossing some bills onto the table, the girls slid out of the booth and filed out of the diner's door.
Halfway across the parking lot, spontaneity overtook Rue. "Uh, hang on," she said, stopping, "I think I left something behind. I'm gonna go back and grab it real quick."
"Want me to come with you?" Lexi asked.
"No, no," Rue told her. "I'll be right back. Promise."
She walked back into the restaurant; Michelle was leaning against the long counter, ripping out pages in her waitressing notebook.
"Um, excuse me?" Rue said to get her attention.
Michelle's stare slid up to Rue and she brightened. "Back so soon? Did you want a milkshake to go?"
"Um, no, no thank you," Rue stumbled. "I was just wondering…uh, the girl I was with…"
"Your date?"
"What?" Rue responded, aghast. "No, she isn't – she wasn't—"
Michelle nodded as though she understood. "Young lady, if I had someone in my life who looked at me the way that girl was looking at you tonight, I would never let them out of my sight."
Rue joined in the nodding distractedly. She hadn't really known what drove her back into the diner or what exactly she was seeking from Michelle, but the lady had managed to give Rue exactly what her mind needed.
"Right," Rue said. "Okay, yeah, thanks. Thank you." She gave Michelle one last nod of appreciation before exiting again.
Rue didn't yet know how to process the information Michelle had gifted her; it was a heavy sentiment. And, quite frankly, a terrifying one. But it was starting to help feelings take shape that had otherwise been hidden in a haze.
Rue was only certain she didn't want to make Lexi wait for her any longer.
