Chapter 7: Legally Birds
"So, verdict?"
"Burgers good!"
"I admit, that was delicious, thank you, CC." I said, having to agree with Hat, unfortunately.
CC had just finished serving us up burgers, which are apparently a thicker meaty sandwich of sorts, so that already put it in my good books. And miraculously it had made Hat eat vegetables, though I believed it was because she wolfed it down without seeing what was actually in it.
"No problem at all. Still seems funny to me that you've never had burgers, but I guess you are aliens here." She shrugged.
"We have a diet of mostly carbohydrates and packet meats." I shrugged. "Though the Captain tends to have a dangerous sweet tooth which she somehow manages to satisfy."
"I have my sugary needs and secrets." She smirked. "So...um...Tie! What's the plan!?"
"A new part of the planet to ex-" I began to prompt.
"New place to explore! Yaaaaay!" She immediately bolted out of the room.
"Energetic, ain't she?" CC chuckled.
"Chuckle whilst you can." I whispered darkly as I followed her.
The Machine Room, like the rest of the ship, was messy due to the Captain's influence. Letters and papers were strewn about everywhere, dumped here so that she could ignore them when the mail room became practically uninhabitable. Everything just glared bronze from the (completely unnecessary) gears spinning in the walls, to the engine itself, which would rumble whenever I got near it like a dog growling. I know this because it doesn't do it for Hat. Even the ship itself is against me.
"Ohhhhh!" Hat was cooing as she peered through the telescope down at the planet.
"Enjoying a view, Captain?" I mumbled as I walked up to her. Seriously, why all the telescopes?
"I know our next destination, Tie!" She declared with a 'look of determination'.
I took my turn to peer into the scope and saw it was focused on...a big white building in the middle of a desert?
"You're excited over that?" I couldn't help but be a bit exasperated.
"It's not what on the outside, but what's on the inside that counts, Tie." Hat said with her hands over her heart and a wide smile. I vomited in my mouth a little.
"Okay." I gave in. "But what's 'on the inside' isn't where Time Pieces would la-"
"Too late, I'm making room!" Instantly she pushed open the door in the window.
"...Does every window have a door?" I thought aloud.
"Dive, dive, dive!" She yelled enthusiastically.
"I'm dying, I'm dying." I sighed as I walked over.
"You mean 'dive'."
"Yes. Of course. Silly me."
We both leapt out of the window and descended into practically the middle of a yellow-orange wasteland where this giant building was, and several vehicles that seemed to remain stationary outside. The building had a black and white logo on it, as well as the name underneath it.
"Dead Bird Studios? Charming." I commented as I stuffed my hands in my pockets.
"A studio? Think we'll be able to catch a movie, Tie?" Hat asked.
"No." I dismissed immediately, making her pout. "Studios are where they film movies, not show them."
"Then...behind-the-scenes specials!" She instantly made the best of it.
"Time Pieces, remember?" I sighed.
"I know! Come on, let's go!" She grabbed my sleeve and began dragging me.
"I get the feeling you're not considering my words at all. But that would be just silly." I mumbled as we went in, and thankfully it was a lot cooler, but what made me stop was what I saw.
Penguins. And owls. Penguins with sunglasses and owls with brown denim.
"Huh, guess Dead BIRD Studios was super literal, huh?" Hat nudged me with her elbow.
"Stop voicing my thoughts, it scares me." I replied, dumbfounded.
"Look! Things!" She pointed as two...birds? Maybe? Far different from the other ones seemed to be in a row. One of them made me go blind for a millisecond from the gaudiness of the clothes, glasses, obvious wig and stilted shoes. The other one had no eyes. That's all I got from him.
"This studio is too big for both of us DJ Grooves!" Oh space, that accent! What was that accent? It felt like it was physically attacking me, the sentences were straight up coming at me with knives! Oh, and he was talking about Moon Penguins which was apparently a thing but the accent!
"Nonsense, darling, nonsense!" Now 'DJ Grooves' was talking, and was no better. That all-too-happy tone gave me diabetes as he talked about owls, the one he was facing being called the Conductor (seriously? His name was Conductor? What kind of stupid idiot gets named after their cloth-oh wait.) and an 'Annual Bird Movie Award'. I wasn't even in the conversation and it was mentally harming me. "Our new props will bring in the audience."
And that was when I paid attention, because they both produced Time Pieces, causing me to smack my face right into the glass door with eyes wide open, thus causing the automatic door to open and make me fall on my already flat face. Thankfully they were now deep into an argument on copying each other and didn't notice.
I peeled myself off the ground and straightened my tie as they both scarpered off into the recording studios, taking the Time Pieces with them. You'd think I would've tried to stop them or something before they got away but...shut up.
"And who was right, yet again?" Hat beamed.
"The answer we need is how to actually get them." I mumbled, as the doors were now quite guarded. Sure, I could've just smacked them away with my yo-yo, but I'd already killed a good amount of Mafia, so I reckoned that was enough. Until something mindless that wouldn't weigh on my conscious came along.
"I dunno, but check this out! Free glasses!" Hat immediately skipped over to a sunglasses rack and put on a pair, spinning to me with a giddy smile. "Whaddya think?"
'Dumb.' "They suit you."
"Really? Then two will truly suit me!" She then proceeded to put on a second pair, on top of the first pair.
"You never cease to amaze me, Captain." I sighed.
"You put them on too! Captain's orders!" She declared. I grumbled about it but put a pair on anyway. "Hmmm...nah, they make you look all grumpy." She proceeded to chuck mine away.
"Grumpy!?" I gasped, actually offended. "What, just because I look smart?" I picked them up and put them back on. "Everybody knows guys with ties wearing sunglasses are the best."
"Oh, really? I dunno...try two." She put a second pair on me. "There we go! That looks much better."
"Hmph." I nodded.
Looking back on it, she played me like a fiddle.
"It looks good on you two."
"Gyah!" I jumped and spun around to see the disturbingly familiar face of Badge Seller. "Quit sneaking up on me like that!"
"I've been here the whole time." He got me there, though I was tempted to reply with 'then stop being so hideous'.
"Badge Seller!" Hat was more then happy to see the strange figure. "You're here!"
"I am everywhere." Goodie. Nightmare fuel. "Do either of you need Badges?"
"I've got some Pons." Hat showed off, whilst I counted 178.
"I guess I'll take that Cannonball Badge." I mumbled as I gave him the orbs.
"Pleasure doing business." They gave me the Badge which I swapped out for the Rushing Badge.
"Okay, what's it do?" I asked.
"Try jumping whilst crouching."
"...What?"
"I believe you heard me."
"Mmmm." So I crouched do-
"Properly." I crouched further down and put my hands over my head, then attempted to jump.
I then screamed as I shot forward in a powerful blast and smacked into the wall with a loud bang before falling smack on my back.
"It gives your jumps a bit more 'oomph'." They explained.
"Now you tell me." I huffed.
"I'm gonna save up!" Hat declared. There's a first.
"Why do all your badges end up hurting me on first use?" I had to question.
"Quiet the mystery." They seemed to giggle. "Don't worry though, I'll get some new ones especially for you." Bating my breath.
Due to Hat wanting to socialise with anything alive, we ended up talking to a lot of the 'Express Owls' and 'Moon Penguins'. I was detecting a theme between them, but their themes were just so subtle I could hardly discern them. That was sarcasm by the way.
"What next? Rapping robins?" I said with a roll of my eyes.
"Do you think!?" Hat's own eyes were full of hope.
"Please, no." I sighed.
"Welp, now that our explorings done, time to go get those Time Pieces!" She declared as she set off with a stride.
"Wha-? Hat, the doors are locked." I pointed out.
She then knelt down and beckoned me closer. I huffed but knelt down so she could whisper: "Look up."
I complied, and saw a vent door, barely off its hinges, leading into the studio.
"How long have you seen that?" I whispered.
"Since we got in." Of course.
We climbed up and knocked the vent door in, allowing us access, when suddenly a chill ran up my spine. It was a horrible feeling most of us know all too well. It was the presence of...debt!
"I think we're trespassing." I stated.
"Of course we are, silly!" She replied. "Because we're super spies!"
"Since when?"
"We've got the glasses, don't we?"
"That's a point, it's pretty dark in here so I can't really see-"
"Captain orders you to keep them on!" Another reason why reasoning is reasonably stupid with my captain. "And also, you have to do this!" She got into a crouched position, and held one of her hands up in an 'L', imitating a gun.
"...I'm not doing that." I stated with all seriousness I could muster.
"I can't hear you. I'm in stealth mode. You have to be in stealth mode to talk to me." She replied.
"Captain-"
"Can't hear you."
And thus, I crouched down, and made an 'L' with my finger on my forehead. "We might get in serious trouble if we get caught. We don't know how laws work on this planet."
"Maybe there are none. Wooooooo." She made ghostly motions with her arms. And to be frank she had a point, an island was ruled by a mafia. But I was never going to admit she had a point. "But that's why we're being stealthy."
"Crouching down with a fake gun?"
"Exactly."
"...Just be careful will you?"
"Always am. Oh, and Tie." She then put her fake gun to her forehead and stuck her tongue out at me with a smile. Guess she wasn't as oblivious as I thought.
The filming studio, as far as I could tell from being in the rafters, was apparently a black hole of nothingness dotted with filming sets, random lights, and of course, collectibles. The Bat Bow and Spider Tie Badge made traversing pretty easy for me, as Hat insisted I had to keep my finger gun ready at all times.
"Hey Tie, I found a Rift Token." Hat showed me proudly.
"Well, I found some Yarn." More of Knit's magic yarn. I wondered what she was up to at that moment.
"Pons?" She asked.
"41."
"60." She was obviously treating it like a competition now.
"Good for you. But I bet I'll find some more over he-" I stopped as we turned a corner, then instantly slipped back and hid.
There was a penguin patrolling the rafters for some reason!
"Why the heck is one of them here?" I hissed.
"Oooooh, now we can really be stealthy." Hat was ecstatic at this opportunity.
"Just...don't get seen." Was all I could say.
Turns out they actually had security in the form of guards and spotlights, go figure. Still, because we were in 'stealth mode' we managed to slip past a large majority of them and steal many Pons and other goodies right from under them. Seriously, why don't these birds just pick up the money that is LITERALY EVERYWHERE? And yeah, stealthing through this place certainly gave me an idea of these two bird directors styles. They were exactly what you'd think they were coming from 'The Conductor' and 'DJ Grooves'.
But we eventually made our way to a room filled with velvet curtains and gold stars as we walked up to-hang on! DJ Grooves was there! When I just saw him helping with filming! What, can Moon Penguins teleport?...Actually, maybe...
"Hey, it's the funny looking one." Hat pointed.
"Gonna have to be way more specific." I mumbled. The guy seemed to be salivating over a giant golden trophy in the middle of all the flashness. And it was a big trophy, like, five times as tall as me big. Are these birds overcompensating for something?
"It's a replica." Hat whispered to me.
"Oh, than-" I whipped my head to her. "How did you know what I was thinking?"
"Because you're my fwiend." She said as she hugged my arm. My mind could only recoil in horror and fear.
"Oh my! Oh my! What is that I see!?" We were suddenly aware that Grooves was aware of us. "Is it inner beauty? Innocent, pure souls?"
"Absolutely not." I replied instantly.
"Oh, you're right. You're just some kids. Hello!" He waved with his mic holding flipper.
"Howdy." Hat waved back.
"Nice massive eyebrows." Couldn't resist.
"Why, thank you." Oh, he took that as a compliment. "Wait a second, you're not penguins...that's good! I could use some non-penguin company around here. Frankly, they're all terrible actors." Aaaaaaand my racism card comes into play yet again. My secret ace up my sleeve.
"Here's the biz, kids. I'm on a te-rri-ble losing streak, and I've just GOT to win this next annual bird movie award." He explained. "There's no doubt about it. I absolutely must have you as my actors!"
"I get to be a famous actor!?" Hat was obviously beaming at the chance with stars in her eyes.
"Uh, thanks but no thanks." I declined, holding Hat back as she glared at me with all the hate she could muster, which was very very little. "We're kinda busy, so-"
"And if you do, I'll get rid of that nasty debt you two have got for breaking and entering." The shadow of debt was cast over me again. "I'd say 5,000 Pons would be the cost."
"Fi...!" I just mouthed the words like a goldfish.
"Up to it now, darling?" I had the briefest of urges to rip his afro off and beat him to death with it. I'd do it eventually.
"Yep. Actor pants on." Eh, this was easier.
"Splendid! That means we have to get you two some bird passports!" He can teleport. He teleported over to a stand. Because of course he can. "First, you girl, come stand here, and I'll take the picture."
Hat happily skipped over as I sat on the ground with my arms folded. Great, just great. Blackmailed into becoming actors for a penguin, I had controversy already. More importantly, we didn't have time to be actors when we had Time Pieces to fi-hang on...
I began to think more thoroughly. The birds had Time Pieces. Stealthing to try and get them didn't work. So maybe, by being on set, we could get a chance to grab them when they weren't looking! This actually worked out! And hey, I was probably a great actor! After all, I had to act like I wasn't in a sad state around Hat all the time!
"Tie! Tie! I've got my passport!" Hat shoved the passport in my face proudly.
"...What's with all the scribbles?" Her picture had kawaii anime eyes and sparkles all over it.
"Customisation." Well, she was pleased as punch.
"Your turn, little man. Step right this way." He gestured.
"Okay..." I put on my Tip-Top Tie, straightened it, and stood ready to have my picture taken...waiting...waiting..."Any day now."
"You're not smiling, darling! C'mon, show me those pearly whites!" DJ Grooves encouraged.
"Yeah, Tie! Smile like you used to!" I think Hat just got a little jab in at me there.
"Alright..." I gave a simple toothless smile to the flash of the light.
"My goodness! When you're not frowning, you're actually quite good looking! Shocking!" I was both offended and disturbed by that comment. "You should try the whole smiling thing more often, darling. Here's your passport."
"Uh-huh." I nodded simply s I accepted it. I was now legally a bird. If I had to pick one; hummingbird.
"Now then, show up at the set tomorrow morning for filming! Don't be late darlings!" He then ran of for some reason.
"Tie! We're going to be stars!" Hat was giddily ecstatic she examined her passport.
"Time Pieces." I reminded her as I lightly bopped her with my new avian account. "We're gonna use this opportunity to get them."
"All according to my brilliant plan, you don't have to remind me." Hat boasted.
"You're foresight truly is that of psychics, Captain." I huffed.
"Hat. But we still get to be stars, right? Right!?" She stared at me with pleading eyes.
"HEY! WHATCHA THINK YOU'RE DOING!" We both jumped as the Conductor suddenly appeared out of nowhere and stormed over to us, before screaming 'Fraud' and drawing out the 'r' so much they could loop around the room. I think his voice was now physically harming me.
"Where are my owl guards at!? Why are they all so darn useless?" He sighed. "Alright, listen here, ya lttle peck-necks-" Excuse me? "-you're in big trouble. So, if you're helping DJ Grooves rig the awards, and I can't take ya ta jail, you're gonna help me even the score."
"I do not like your insinuation." I stated.
"Yer gonna like it lad, or else." He warned. "Yer gott be the star of my movies too!"
"Two big movie rolls!?" Hat gasped. "I feel faint..." She swooned, expecting me to catch her. I did. t the last possible second though.
"Good to see you're already raring to go." I stated.
"Here, practice holding our newest prop, showing it off, and bring it to the set tomorrow, got that?" He thrust a Time Piece into my hands.
"No complaints here." I quickly replied.
"Good! Now scram! I've got prep work to do!" He then ran off himself.
"Yes, all according to plan." Hat nodded like a wise sage.
"Except now we're starring in two films, causing corruption for both." I pointed out.
"I'd call that a bonus." She smiled. "C'mon! Let's head back and get ready for filming tomorrow!"
"Oh joy..." I sighed as I teleported us back.
As soon as we returned, Hat sprinted to the Orb Machine as I put the Time Piece in the vault. "C'mon, c'mon! Let's put in our Rift Tokens and get something good for stardom!"
"If you insist." I sighed as I joined her, getting out the Rift Tokens we'd collected.
After slotting all of them in, we ended up with a Flair and a Colour each.
"You first! I wanna see how you look!" Hat laid on her stomach, hands under her chin, feet kicking in the air as she stared expectantly at me.
"Alright then...Flair first." I popped open the capsule and it enveloped me in smoke before vanishing. "Okay, what did that do?"
"Oo! Oo! You're tie!" I looked down where she was pointing to see that where the simple smiley face had been on my tie was now a full blown happy sun pin.
'Oh no it's adorable...' I admitted inwardly.
"It's cute." Hat giggled. "Keep it. Captain's orders."
"If you insist." That was actually good for me. "Now the Colour." I popped it open. My hair turned chocolate brown as my shirt turned candy pink, my trousers turned strawberry red, and my tie turned mint green and cream.
"I'm not gonna lie, I want to eat you." Hat said with a scary seriousness.
"You know what, I'm thinking the Noir colour was better..." I said.
"Noooo! Please don't switch!" She begged as she latched onto my leg. "It's so lovely!"
I rolled my eyes. But the colours were nice, even if not my first choice. "I suppose I can keep these colours for tomo-Captain, stop nibbling on my leg."
"Sorry. Strawberry." She apologised. "My go!" She popped open her Flair, turning her Sprint Hat into a ladybug headband. "And now I'm a ladybug."
'Is it fitting in some way? actually, I'm not gonna waste brain power on that.'
"And the Colour!" She popped hers open and she turned blonde of all things with her purple clothes turning blue. "Oooooh, Blueberry Pie..."
"Don't eat your arm." I warned her with a little slap.
"I wasn't gonna." She pouted. "But we look cool, right? Superstar cool, right?"
"Superstar cool." I humoured her.
"Hehe!" She hugged me suddenly. "This is gonna be so cool!"
"Mission."
"I knooooow! But c'mon! Stardom!"
I sighed. "If it's what you want."
"Together! After all...we're birds of a feather now!" She cried whilst producing our passports.
I made sure to give a long groan at that pun.
Cannonball Badge: "I came in like a caaaaannonbaaaaaall!" Turns your jump into a damaging weapon that has greater distance and less height, but gives off a small shockwave when you land!
Sweet Inside: Gives Tie a really sweet palette that makes him look delectable. D'awwwww!
Hey there hat-wearers and tie-wearers! I'm back! After so long! Sorry about that, had assignments and found out I have a chronic illness now, darndest thing, but that's unimportant, because I'm back with a new chapter alongside new DLC!...Well, that was the plan at least.
But enough about that! Everybody focus on our new cover page made by Konan720! Look at it! It's so cool! Make sure to give her a big thanks and check out her other works! Seriously! Do it!
Now back to more trivia with Hat and Tie! This time, it's about anime.
Tie's favourite anime are Gurren Lagann, Mob Psycho 100, My Hero Academia, and Slice of Life anime. He absolutely despises harem anime, including Isekai's. His least favourite is Infinite Stratos.
Hat's favourite anime are Kill la Kill, One Punch Man, Death Note, and Magical Girl anime. She hates anime based on videogames, with her least favourite being Persona Animated.
And with that the filming can begin! If you have any questions for Tie and/or Hat, ask them in a review or PM! And I'll see you in the next chapter!
