My shitty Evangelion Greentext V.1

I saw evangelion like a decade ago, and decided that I can do better.

Spelling errors and punctuation are intentional, or not. I haven't decided yet. What am I, a cop.

Be 69cooldude420

be shitty tech from america

get called in to Dr. Akagi's office for being shitty tech

also for wearing bane mask on duty

and for smuggling and selling firearms to Japanese citizens

see kaji on the way, we jump and high five as we pass

HELL YEAH BROTHER!

get to office and see the boss

get chewed out, but stunned by the debutante doctor.

"ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION YOU STUPID FORGEIN-"

i dont let her finish the the sentence

"NOBODY CARED WHO I WAS TILL PUT ON THE MASK."

i pull of the mask revealing my chiseled face

"THAT, OOHHHHHHHH" i shove my tung down her throat

begin making out with ritsuko

maya walks in with a bundle of flowers

once she sees us, her fowers droop

3

she runs away in tears.

sorry kid

commander ikari walks in

"technician stop that-"

i withdraw my tounge from akagi's throat, leaving her hot and heavy

I leap over to the commander and immediently put him in a head lock

taught personally by president sam hyde.

the commander, unacustomed to being assulted, struggle's weakly

"ah yes, I was wondering what would break first, your spirit"

i let him go and he folds to the ground gasping

"OR YOUR BODY!"

i leap into the air and strike the commanders spine like a 747 into the world trade center.

as the commander lays writhing in agony, security bursts in.

they look confused, and concered.

"take him away boys!" I order

they shrug and bellow "yes sir!"

"WAIT!111!"

see the sub commander

he walks over to gendo, and he, pulls out his penis?

oh no, he begins to piss, i'm sorry, urinating on the helpless commander

"i've been waiting years for this little bitch" he hisses

after a good five minutes he finally stops a piss that plutarch would be proud of

"ok take him away now" and they leave with the traumatized commander.

shinji comes in extremly worried

"what happened to my dad?" he says timidly

rush over to the young man

"don't worry shinji, me and kaji will be your new dad/older brother!"

confused "what do you-" I cover his mouth.

I turn to ritsuko, "go ahead and head home honey, i'll take care of here"

still hot and heavy, she says "ok dear" and almost drunkenly walks to the door

she turns to the kid and says" be sure to obey your new dad shinji okay?"

the confused teen nods, and the lovesick doctor waddles off home.

i throw shinji over my shoulder, and burst off to the gym.

i attach shinji to the barbell, he looks worried.

"now is not the time for fear shinji" he smiles.

"that comes later" his smile drops like the towers on 9/11 (like that tragedy)

i look into his eyes, and begin to astral-project my esoteric barbell knowledge into him

from the wise men, scooby of california, and mark rippetoe of texas

he immediately begins squating with proper form while drinking a gallon of milk from Kroger

hell yeah

two hours later

the now 180 pound shinji is now in his eva

with his eva's fist, through the angels head

while shouting "GAZE INTO THE FIST OF DREDD!"

i told him the angel was a vegan, and the rest took care of it's self.

he leaves the eva and chest bumps me and kaji on the way to the locker room

me and kaji follow along and talk about, guns, food, and physical gold currency

kaji has been teaching us about the wisdom of dr. paul, and the evils of fiat currency

get to locker room

we see asuka

shinji turns to us, "i'll catch up with ya'll later"

i taught him to say "ya'll", golden eagle

grabs asuka by the hair and drags her to the locker room

the riotous redhead puts up a confused but violent struggle

as me and kaji leave we see asuka bent over shinji's lap

he proceeds to put his hand on her posterior like another 747 into a trade center of some kind.

"I'M SORRY SHINJI, I'LL BE A GOOD GIRL!" we hear on the way out

I drive kaji to misato's apartment, as he leaves my car I say

"what you gonna do bruh"

"reverse japan's declining birthrate bruh" he bellow's, waking up the neighborhood

he raises his arms over his head and flexes his biceps.

i flex back as I pullout of the parking lot, yelling "HELL YEAH BROTHER!"

as I open the door to my apartment, I'm greeted by a lovely sight

the great ritsuko akagi, in my bed

in stockings, high heels, and a garter belt

and nothing else

"let's make babies!" she grunts like a cavewoman

HELLYEAHBROTHER!

proceed to teach the cold scientist how to love

hours later, my new wife has her head resting on my chest

I look at the picture on my wall

it's me, the current president for life joe rogan, and tim dillon

we're all standing in areana seats, clutching money in our fists

as george bush and al gore fight for the presidency of america

i kiss ritsuko on the forehead and grab my phone on the nightstand

i begin my call

the line picks up

"president of the united states speaking, how may I help you?"

"joe, I need your halp"

hear a sigh in the other side

"jaime, cancel all my appointments"

roll credits for episode 1.