—-Nonetheless
He missed his dog. And his horse. He didn't make a sound, he didn't move. Somehow by remaining still and cocooned in his bed he was able to pretend that he was still at Heyrick. Comforted by the familiar surroundings, his animals and books. Home.
He must have left the window cracked last night. He can hear the rain on the cobblestones, the garden dripping wet… the noises of the city starting to come to life were rising up behind the more immediate sound of rain. Inside the house he can hear the servants preparing for the day. Groan.
As he starts to wake up he remembers why he isn't at home. The girls. Augusta and Leo need this time, they need to learn to be in the world. It is already doing them a world of good, if smiles and hugs are the measure. Augusta will only be his concern for so much longer- she is beautiful, witty, and accomplished. She wishes to find love and he has no reason to doubt she will. Leonora would be with him longer and he has promised to be the father she needs. He thinks, "When my duty is done, then I will go home. I can be alone with the animals, live in my books and duties. I will be alone, but the women I love will be safe and happy. All of them." In the silence of his heart, even there, he tries not to think of her name. He sends a silent prayer out for her peace and happiness and lets it go.
Every day starts like this, with longing, loss, grief, and a sense of duty. And there is a new sense of life and joy. He owes that to her influence. No matter what happens, for the rest of his life, he will be grateful for her. Where once he avoided his niece and daughter for fear of what he would say or do… Now he finds joy in their presence. In fact, they are his one delight and his only focus here in the city. What he does, he does for them.
Since leaving Sanditon they have fallen into a comfortable and satisfying rhythm. Each day is full of outings, lessons, and family meals. Alexander hired a ladies maid and companion for Augusta and a new governess for Leo. His elderly Aunt has agreed to help manage Augusta's debut and wardrobe and is putting her in all the best company. Thank God for Aunt Marjorie. His role is to listen to all of the stories, pay all of the bills, and to escort them to parties, balls, and on promenades as directed. It is quite delightful to be given a clear role and to know exactly where one's duty lies. Quite appropriate and soothing. On the other hand, not a day goes by that Augusta doesn't find a way to mention… her…. but she seems happy nonetheless. Leo is still undoubtedly the more difficult puzzle to solve. She is still so active, curious, and full of laughter. She requires a teacher who is energetic, patient, creative, and lively. The new governess exhibits those qualities and is making progress with Leo, but invites constant comparisons to … her. Leo mentions it several times a day. "Miss Heywood did it this way." "Miss Heywood would have done it that way." "Miss Heywood …" "Miss Heywood…..". Sigh. But she seems happy nonetheless.
Nonetheless. He has to keep going. Nonetheless, it is hard not to think about what might have been. Mrs. Wheatley was right. He does regret it. Nonetheless.
