They always told her the romance would end. They said at some point between falling in love, getting married and being married, there would be a time when she'd realize that although she still loved Shin, she wasn't excited by him anymore. A time when her heart would stop pounding when he looked at her, when her stomach would stop fluttering and her hands would no longer drop behind her back, fingers fidgeting nervously as she hoped he wouldn't see just how giddy he made her.
They made exceptions for her. Of course, they would say, the honeymoon would last longer for her. She and Shin had met on a field of flowers - it didn't get more fairy tale than that. And add to it that she was a hopeless romantic, living always in a world made half of materials and half of ideals, and of course the candle would burn a little brighter for her, a little longer. But they always assured there was no denying that in time, eventually that candle would burn down. It was as inevitable as death and taxes.
Lena took them seriously. She'd been a blind idealist once before, stuck so far in her own head (and up her own ass, some would argue) that she failed to see the world for what it was. She wouldn't be again. Marriage was hard work, and she loved Shin too much not to put the effort in. No matter if the excitement would fade to contentment, the thrill to mere happiness; that they might started to argue over small things that wouldn't have bothered them before; that they would stop looking at each other like lovestruck teenagers and instead regard one another as flawed, imperfect adults… no matter what - come what may - she would keep their love alive.
So Lena had been ready and watching for the moment that would come.
She watched vigilantly for the first year, enjoying the fluttering ecstasy she felt whenever his cool red eyes fell on hers but knowing it would not last. She watched for the second year, and then the fifth, waiting for the day when her mouth would no longer twitch involuntarily at the corners in an implacable smile from the smallest compliments he gave her, even the unspoken ones. And she watched through the tenth, knowing that eventually the sweet electricity she felt from his hand taking hers would be no more.
She continued to watch even as they approached their thirties.
Shin often woke up before her. A remnant from a near-decade of continuous war, where sleep was perpetually in shorter supply than ammo, bandages, and coffee, a luxury meant to be taken where it could and forgotten where it couldn't. Even ten years after the final battle, the result was many mornings like this one.
Lena felt the gentle touch of sunlight on her eyes and came slowly awake. She yawned loudly, still half-asleep as she turned to find Shin staring fondly at her, an unsurpassed calm in his eyes, a peace like none other. Ah, she thought. This is a nice dream. She reached out and touched the smooth skin of his cheek with a gentle poke. It's soft! she marveled, unable to help the smile that spread across her face. She splayed out her palm and cupped the firm line of his jaw, enjoying the feel of it and the palpable sense of ownership that came over her. There was no one else in the world that Shin would let do this, even in dreams. Only her.
"Good morning, Lena," Shin said, smiling in that slight way of his that would have been imperceptible on anyone else, but on his face alone said more than the loudest top-of-the-lungs shout.
"Good… morning," she said between a yawn. "What are we gonna do today, Shin?" Just from saying his name she got a jolt of that sweet electricity. She'd be terminally embarrassed if she were awake.
Shin furrowed his brow. "You don't remember?"
"Are we gonna go skydiving? Or sailing on the northern sea? Last time it was skiing on the mountains of Arcs Styrie… that was a good one."
"Oh, you're still half-asleep," Shin mused. "You're adorable."
Some of the sleep-fog receded. Lena paused. She realized two things: where her hand was, and what she'd said. An instant heat bloomed in her cheeks as her mouth froze half-open. "Um-" she stammered. Then began to giggle. "That's embarrassing." She began to pull her hand back, but with a smooth alacrity Shin captured it in his and kept it pressed against his cheek. He leaned in and kissed her softly.
"I love you, Lena," he said, and gave one of his rare careless smiles, the kind that showed a flash of his white teeth and crinkled his eyes, and even though ten years had put the faint beginnings of crows-feet in the corners she still found them impossibly, shockingly beautiful.
Her face flooded red. Blood burned in her cheeks and she had to avert her eyes or else she'd implode from sheer happiness. Instant organ failure. Total dissolution. Cessation of existence. "Ah… um, thank you… I love you too…" she whispered, not meaning to sound seductive (though she did) but simply because there was no breath left in her lungs to say it any louder.
"Happy birthday," he said.
"Eh?"
Shin paused a moment, looking speculatively at her in that analytical, quisitive way that showed his silent intelligence - and made her feel naked, like he could see through every inch of her. Then he laughed very softly.
"I guess you really did forget. You're thirty years old now, Vladilena Nouzen." He stroked her silver hair, and Lena couldn't help but feel a burst of self-consciousness at not having had the chance to wash or brush it yet. "Looks like you managed to catch up to me after all."
At that the last of her sleep melted away and her memory returned. Today was July 12th - her birthday. She remembered that not because she thought much about it, but oddly enough because Shin had made a joke about it on his own birthday two months prior. "Looks like I pulled ahead of you again, but I'll give you fifty-four days to catch up."
It still amazed her that this man was her husband.
How in the world did I ever get him to fall in love with me?
The thought crossed her mind, and she wondered what was wrong with her brain for it to go through over three and a half thousand days of asking the same question, and never once being able to find an adequate answer.
"We should probably get out of bed," Shin said.
Lena gave him a smile that showed both her shyness and her steel. She didn't dare let him move her hand from his cheek. "Maybe in a little…" she said. "But I want to stay like this a tiny bit longer."
"So selfish."
"Isn't that a woman's privilege?"
Shin snaked his other arm under her waist and wrapped it around the small of her back, pulling her close to him. As their bodies came in contact Lena's heart began to thunder so loud and forcefully she was sure Shin could hear it. That all the world could hear it. But if he did, he didn't say as much.
"Only because it's your birthday," he told her.
—
They had dinner in the penthouse of the Sankt Jeder Skytree, a massive tower standing a mile tall, built to commemorate the war. Its bottom floor in its entirety was dedicated to walls and walls lined with names, those of soldiers and volunteers that had died, as well as those still-living that had served with distinction. The memorial to the 86 that Grethe built on the border between the Federacy and the Republic had been relocated here, now standing proud in the very center of the spherical theater, illuminated in gold and silver light such that each engraved name reflected a brilliant glow.
Shin and Lena both stopped at that obsidian monolith to offer a salute. Once he would only have been able to give apologies for standing in such a place. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry for the pain you went through. I'm sorry that I get to live while you had to die.
But now, thanks to the woman standing at his side, he could give his fallen comrades something far more powerful.
"I'm grateful," he said. "I stand here today because of you. Thank you."
Lena clapped her hands before her closed eyes, once and then again.
"Thank you," she echoed.
He thought of Kaie, of Daiya, of Haruto, of Kujo and Shana, of Alice. He thought of Shourei and he thought of Kiriya. He thought of his mother and father. He recalled what faces he could and filled in the blanks for the others, and for a moment he saw them all standing before him. He lifted his head toward them, standing straight and proud, and he smiled and waved, and one by one they thanked him in turn. They thanked him for carrying them to this beautiful place and for letting them stay together even in death. For not leaving them mired in the cold mud of the battlefield as they'd always thought they would be.
And Shin told them they were welcome. He told them it had been a burden - because they knew it had been and it would only hurt them both to tell a lie - but he added that it was their burden that had given him strength. He told them that some people had a need to be needed, and it was only because they relied on him that he could be strong in the first place.
He told them he loved them and clapped his hands together. Once and then again.
They were the only ones in the restaurant tonight, the entire venue rented out for the two of them alone. Shin had said it was unnecessary, but Ernst insisted. He even threatened to release yet more archived combat recordings from his Reginleif (specifically, some of the conversations he'd had with Lena on the battlefield, half-delirious from exhaustion and injury) if he didn't show his face at the top of the Skytree.
"Now don't give me that 'I don't deserve this' spiel again. I'm serious, you know."
Shin only needed to take one look into the hard black steel of his father's gaze to know that he was ready to back up the threat. So Shin had sighed and agreed, and gave Ernst a reluctant but sincere thanks.
With Sankt Jeder's skyline at their backs, glowing with the evening, he and Lena talked about everything and nothing. She did most of it, chattering about little everyday things: news about the tech start-up Grethe had begun working on after her military retirement, a huge smile lighting up her face as she proudly proclaimed its success; a conversation she'd had the other day with Annette concerning Theo, insisting to Shin that it definitely wasn't a coincidence that her lab released a cutting-edge prosthetic hand onto the market a week before Valentine's day, especially because she'd sent Theo a 'test' product completely for free.
Shin offered a comment here or there, and always an attentive ear. It was a pleasure to listen. He enjoyed hearing her talk regardless of what about. Not just because of the sweet, silver-bell quality of her voice or the practiced eloquence of her cadence, but because he loved to see how animated she became when she lost herself in conversation, hands practically flailing through gestures, expressions freely given. It brought her a genuine joy to talk like this, and he could never not smile when he saw it.
"Lena, I love you," he said offhandedly.
Her hands froze mid-movement. Really, her whole body did, mouth half-open, eyes turning from the window and over to him, widening fractionally all the while. And then the blush spread like pink fire across her pale features and her hands went to her mouth.
"Y, you can't just say that!" she blurted. "You shocked me!"
Shin tilted his head, smiling slightly. "You don't want me to tell you I love you?"
"Not out of the blue like that! You'll give me a heart attack!" She reached across the table and took Shin's hand and pressed it to her collarbone, fingers half on her breast and half on her neck. "Look, feel how fast it's beating!"
Shin took her other hand and pressed it to his neck in turn. "I think we match," he said. It wasn't an exaggeration. As he felt the rapid tattoo of her heart and listened to his own, he was certain they were the same.
"Yeah, but you're a boy. Your heart's stronger than mine, so you can take it. Me? I'm about to die over here!"
"You survived the Legion war. You're not gonna die here."
"Well you don't know how much I love you." The words came out quickly, and through the furious blush on her face and the flustered tone of her voice, it was clear she wasn't quite aware of what she was about to say before she said it. Not even after that, not at first.
And then she realized. And then she drew back, pulling her hands again in front of her open mouth, groaning. "Aaaahhh," she moaned. "That's so sappy… embarrassing…"
Shin couldn't help it. He took her wrists gently in his hands and brought his head close, waited just long enough for her to press her pink lips together before he kissed her.
It was a long kiss. Sweet and good, hot with urgency but not yet with lust. That would come later. As Shin pulled away, she dabbed two fingers at her lips, a slightly blank look in her silver eyes like she wasn't quite sure that had actually happened.
"You really are going to kill me one day, Shin," she whispered. "My heart can only take so much."
Shin smiled, his face still inches from hers. He pulled back slightly. He found his hand entwined around hers and couldn't remember when he'd done so.
"Lena, there's something I want to ask you," he said suddenly.
Her eyes were glued to his, and his to hers. There was no force in existence that could have pulled them apart.
"Anything, Shin," she said breathlessly. She spoke so low her voice was nearly a moan, more breath than words.
"How do you feel about having kids?"
She squealed. It seemed impossible that her face could grow any redder, but somehow it did, and Shin's heart ached sweetly when he saw tears brimming in her eyes, one spilling down her cheek.
"I… yes!" she said, almost screamed. "But wait, are we ready for that? Do you think I'd make a good mom… no of course not, I'd be terrible at it, I'm so scatterbrained all the time. And what about your work, will you be able to take time off? I don't mind staying at home of course, but I don't know if I could do it on my-"
Shin put a finger on her lips, and her voice trailed to anticipating silence.
"Is that a yes?"
Unable to trust her own words, Lena simply nodded.
He brought his head closer to hers, leaning in until their foreheads touched. She breathed out as he breathed in, a sweet smell of grape wine with the underlying taste of her mouth, familiar after a decade of kisses.
"How many do you want?"
She tried to turn her eyes away, but there was nowhere else to turn.
"Um… uh…" she grappled with her own embarrassment. "Lots," she whispered.
Again, he couldn't help himself. She made it too easy. He leaned in and kissed her once more, and this time both lust and urgency and lust again announced their presence. The touch of their lips created an electric, intoxicating buzz between them. Shin felt almost dizzy with the pleasure of it, squeezing his eyes shut in rapture, and his hand found its way to the small of her neck to pull her closer in, as if to press her so firmly into himself they might merge together into one perfect being. Her tongue darted between his lips and he reciprocated.
An immeasurable time passed before they separated again, a string of saliva connecting them both.
Shin wiped his mouth and flashed a toothy grin.
"Lots, huh?
"That's going to be a lot of work. I guess we should get started pretty soon, then."
I guess you could say today is Lena's birth-day in two ways. Ba-dum-tsh
sorry.
This comes as a break from the relentless, weekly misery of Stand United. I honestly don't know what possessed me to write this. I blame the 86-discord and its awful, lovable, awfully lovable people. If you haven't checked it out, or the fics on AO3 - DON'T. Your soul will be better off if you never open that pandora's box.
Stand United will still update on Saturday this week, and will continue to do so until it's finished.
- Verbosity
