Attitude Adjustment

"Nothing has changed. Nothing has changed. I am still the same." He repeated it like a prayer, trying to contain his emotions. The urge to take her aside and confess everything was growing. He continued to be afraid of hurting her and his sense of being unworthy and incapable persisted as well. However, the thought of her marrying another was becoming unbearable now that he was in the same room with her. With distance he could have continued to ignore it. That being said, he had allowed the girls to convince him to attend. On some level he had wanted this.

"Uggggghhhhhh!" It was all he could do to contain his irritation with himself as he watched Charlotte and Augusta chatting cozily. In any case, this was not the time or the place for such a heartfelt discussion. If he was going to take this momentous step, and he still wasn't sure he could, it would need to be in a place where they could talk privately. Whatever her decision, he wouldn't risk her reputation any more than necessary.

"When in Sanditon it has long been her habit to walk along the cliffs after breakfast." Tom Parker broke into his reverie. "If one wanted to speak with her alone, that might be an ideal moment." Alexander almost jumped at the sound of his approach. He had been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't heard Mr. Parker as he approached, along with his wife and Georgiana Lamb.

Miss Lamb broke in, "I have always thought true love would be worth much risk. If I were lucky enough to find it again, I would not willingly let it go no matter the difficulties." Her dark eyes were serious when Alexander met her gaze with his own. "Would you, Mr. Colbourne? Hypothetically speaking of course." She looked across the room at Charlotte and Augusta. "Would it not be worth the risk?"

"Indeed Miss Lamb, it is a fascinating line of inquiry. What if one was not concerned with oneself, but with the object of one's affection? Would it not be better to risk one's own unhappiness to protect their beloved?"

"If I might, Mr. Colbourne, I would suggest that one should always allow others the freedom of choice. That liberty, to choose one's own path, should not be denied to someone. Even if one might mean to protect another person, is it not cruel to decide their fate for them? To deny them the occasion to weigh for themself the pros and cons of a situation?"

Alexander's mouth dropped open. In his fear he had never considered that Miss Heywood might have chosen him even if she knew everything. He was proud,and solitary, and unused to explaining himself to others. He had not for one moment questioned his own judgment about what was best for Miss Heywood- no matter how much he had questioned his ability to be a successful husband to her. He had sought only to protect her from himself, but he had not explained to her why or given her the information that would have allowed her to make her own choices. He was stunned at his lack of understanding.

He closed his mouth and looked admiringly at Miss Lamb. "Miss Lamb. I must congratulate you. Truly you are a woman of great understanding and insight. I can see now why Miss Heywood has prized your friendship and good counsel. You are wise beyond your years. I thank you for sharing this with me. I had never considered this particular point of view."

"Thank you, Mr. Colbourne. They do say that pain builds character. Any wisdom I possess is surely the result of experience. I am quite certain you have much wisdom to impart as well. We all carry our own lessons."

The clock chimed, alerting them to the late hour. Miss Lamb jumped. "Oh, my! It is time for the cake!"

"I thought you were boycotting sugar, Miss Lamb." Alexander questioned gently, but with genuine curiosity. He was an abolitionist and happily joined in the sugar boycott as well.

"Quite so, Mr. Colbourne. It is a honey cake! Isn't that ingenious?"

Alexander nodded. "I am delighted to join in your celebration. Would it be too much to ask to bring a piece home to Miss Leonora? I know she would delight in it after so long without sweets."

"Of course, Mr. Colbourne. With pleasure."

He nodded and smiled. A great weight was lifted from him. Hope took up residence in his heart and for the first time in months his smile reached his eyes.

"I can not thank you enough, Miss Lamb. I am in your debt."

Georgiana curtsied. "You are quite welcome, Mr. Colbourne."

They both knew he was not referring to the cake.