—- Audentis Fortuna iuvat
She would hear him. She would look him in the eye and hear what he had to say. He might make her sad, he might make her angry, he might confuse her. Whatever he did or said, it would not break her. Her broken heart would continue to heal and she would create a life for herself, a good life. Whatever days were given to her, she would not waste them. She had had enough. She stood up, shaking a bit. It was worth the risk. She had to know.
Augusta reached for her but saw that she was not going to fall and pulled her hand back. She and her maid, Beverly, helped Charlotte dress. She was feeling better by the minute, but also still a bit weak and shaky from the headache. It would feel good to have some tea and toast and recline by the fire downstairs. Once she was dressed they all walked down the stairs to join Mr. Colbourne for tea.
As she passed the threshold into the parlor, Mr. Colbourne looked up at her across the room. The hope and sincerity in his eyes made him seem younger than his years. A lock of hair fell down across his brow as he stood and nodded to her. He had moved the chaise lounge closer to the fire and gestured towards it.
"Have a seat, Miss Heywood. Make yourself comfortable."
As she sat down and leaned back, he covered her lap with a small blanket. He moved a small table so that it was next to her, setting a cup and saucer and a plate on it. He had remembered how she liked her tea. Her toast was a lovely golden color and had been spread with butter.
"Thank you, Mr. Colbourne." She said softly, meeting his eyes again. Mrs. Wheatley finished setting out some things on the other tables and headed towards the door. She pulled it so that it was almost closed, but not quite. They both had followed her exit, and now turned back towards one another.
When Alexander had made himself comfortable on the nearby sofa, he gestured towards her tea and toast. "Eat a bit." Charlotte smiled and took a small bite of toast. It was heavenly. The tea was just as good. They ate together companionably for a few minutes. Wiping his mouth, Alexander took a deep breath. She took his breath away. All his hopes depended on the success of this conversation. "Audentis Fortuna iuvat." He told himself.
He only realized he had spoken out loud when Miss Heywood replied "Indeed."
"To be sure, Miss Heywood, I have not respected you as I ought to have done. I came to the realization last night that I had deprived you of the right to make a choice. It was poorly done of me, high-handed and presumptuous. I did it out of a desire to protect you and, if I am honest, to protect myself." He paused to see what her reaction was, but she only looked at him. It felt like she could see his soul. He continued. "Colonel Lennox said something… that day when Leo went to see him. He said you were obviously in love with me… and that I would fail you like I failed Lucy…" He caught her looking at him sharply. Now he felt like he could see her soul, read her mind. "I know. I know. You warned me that I had to forgive myself, or I would deny myself future happiness. Please know, I would deny myself that happiness if it meant protecting yours. At the time, I thought it was the best course of action. But I was a coward. If I had told you everything and had given you the right to decide, I would have had to put my fate in your hands. I would have had to accept your decision. I was so afraid of taking that step. And I told myself I was protecting you. That is still in my mind- to protect you from myself."
She was entirely focused on him. Her eyes rested upon his face and she was hanging on every word. "Go on".
He was a bit nonplussed that she had not been more encouraging, but he admired her strength in making him push on.
" So, now I will come to the heart of the matter. My father was a difficult man and in many respects my life has been an effort not to be like him. In most ways, I have succeeded. I have rebuilt our fortunes, earned the respect of my peers, and established a code of honor by which I live my life. There are parts of myself that I have not been able to reform. I am not a man who loves society. I prefer to be home with my animals and books. I have you to thank for helping me overcome that enough to bring the girls into society. That part is odd, but not inherently bad." He stood up nervously and walked to the hearth, resting his arm on the mantle. "Regardless, you are a lively person- who clearly loves friends and society. I can not help but think I would make you unhappy. I could not change enough to please Lucy and I am not sure that I can change enough to please you. The other part, the part I am concerned about when it comes to any future partner I might have, is my temper and my ego. When I brought Lucy home I was cruel."
Now he was pacing a bit in front of the fireplace, trying to rid himself of the excess energy. "I felt so wronged, so betrayed, so humiliated, and embarrassed. I said things that I knew would cut her to the core. While I did not directly harm her physically, the damage I did to her led to her death. There is a real possibility that if we were to quarrel I could respond in a wholly hurtful way. I do not know if I could live with that. I also do not know if I could feel comfortable letting you go into society alone for extended periods of time nor do I think I could accompany you into society for more than a short while. These factors might cause one or both of us deep unhappiness."
He sat down again and sighed heavily. He paused, looking down at his hands clasped between his knees. He looked up and met her gaze. "The question I should have asked you before, after confessing all of this, was 'Would you consider a life with someone flawed, someone who is not sure they can be worthy of you? Would you consider a life with me? Knowing all of that? To my credit, I am sure that no man has ever wanted to love, honor, and cherish a woman more than I want to love, honor, and cherish you. Can you weigh all of this and tell me my fate?'" He desperately wanted to touch her, but did not trust himself. That wasn't the answer right now.
Charlotte had been holding her tea cup for a long time. The tea was cold and she set it down. She sighed. "Mr. Colbourne, I am so moved. That you would admit to your worst fears and confide in me the flaws you perceive or imagine in yourself… It is precious to me. Part of me wants to say yes, that I can sustain you through these obstacles, to commit to walking this path with you. Colonel Fraser was not wrong. My feelings for you run very deep. They have not changed. That being said, you broke my heart. I can not simply give you an answer moments after hearing the truth, no matter my sentiments. I am engaged, as you know, and there are considerations for Mr. Starling and implications for my family." She stood as she spoke, "I should be going now. I will take my leave."
"Miss Heywood, I expected no less than your full consideration. Your thoughtfulness, intelligence, and honor are without question." He approached her and touched her hand, cradling it in both of his. "Whatever you decide, you will not change in my regard." He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it gently. "Please choose the path to happiness."
She turned to go and had taken two steps towards the door when he spoke. "Miss Heywood. The girls have asked to come into Sanditon tomorrow. Might we call upon you?" She looked back over her shoulder. "You may."
"Tomorrow, then?"
"Tomorrow, then."
