Charlotte's Journal
The process of rebuilding trust and establishing a new relationship with Mr. Colbourne is very confusing. While I try not to let it show, I often move between several emotions quite quickly when he is around. I will be overwhelmed with love, respect, confusion, and trepidation by turns. Is this what passion is? The conjunction of all these things plus attraction? This chemistry threatens to burn me up inside.
With Alison and Declan things seem so straightforward now. They do not seem to have any struggle to trust, to maintain equal footing, to express their affection in natural and joyous ways. Could Xander and I ever reach that point? Will I one day laugh effortlessly with him, with no angst or hesitation? Will he kiss me casually in the midst of a family gathering, with no concern for what others think? Will we be able to trust one another in such a way that a disagreement no longer poses a threat to our peace of mind?
Will I miss this later? Will it ever end? Today at tea I could scarcely breathe with him sitting so close and smiling into my eyes. Everything he did or said was a fascination. I long for something that is the natural purview of a wife- to feel his touch and to fall into his arms with no regard for anyone or anything… I must guard my heart. He is already halfway to the family I want to have- with the girls and Mrs. Wheatley I could have almost everything I have dreamed of. I feel that I could spend hours trying to puzzle out the workings of his mind. I already know that we share interests in animals, farming, sciences, and in the discussion of the functioning of the natural world. I have been prepared my whole life to be a partner to such a man. He seems to have the intellectual capacity to regard me as more than just a mother and bed-mate. Not every man does, father warned me of that. I don't want to just have his children and spend his money. He might think that I'm a blue-stocking, but I want to have discussions with him that last for hours. I want to exchange ideas and explore all the wonders of this modern world. I want to be a part of a team that makes our family and our community a place where people are welcomed and able to grow and be happy.
Does any of this make any sense? I am going to try to sleep but the simple truth is that I am so excited to pass the day in his presence I can not calm down. I should be more focused on Georgiana and the progress we are making towards finding her mother, but I am selfishly consumed with my own relationship.
